


on the run

by possessivepml



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Howell - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Phil Lester - Freeform, Sad and Happy, Slow Burn, mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 18:29:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 106,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17309687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/possessivepml/pseuds/possessivepml
Summary: 'Innocence swam in those eyes of dark brown-rather ironic, to some people. But to me, it made perfect sense.'





	1. prologue

I gasped for air, my chest heaving as I stared down at the sight in front of me. My hands shook violently, feeling the blood trickling down my arms and dripping onto the floor. I couldn't even tell whether it was my own blood or  _his_ blood that was splattered on to my face.

I felt the blade of the mirror shard pressing into the palm of my hand as I clutched onto it—but the pain in my body was nothing compared to the excruciating fear pulsating through my veins.

I let out a panicked whimper as I stared into his dead eyes, causing me to drop the weapon and take a step back.

He was dead, and it was all my fault.

 


	2. chapter 1

** Dan **

_Dear Diary,_   
_I'm so scared to come home._

_No, that's an understatement._ ** **

_I'm_ petrified  _to come home. I got into an argument with my dad again and...I ran away. I ran away._  
 _Which was the worst thing I could've possibly done._

 _I can taste his anger from here; I can hear it, boiling away in his gut. If I come home, it'll only be a matter of time before he_ —

"Dan! There you are!"

Before I could recognize the voice, I snapped my diary shut and shoved it in my coat pocket. I swiveled round, seeing Louise bounding towards me with a somewhat irritated expression.

As she came and took a seat next to me, I awkwardly folded my arms, placing my elbows on the table and flipping my long fringe out of my face.   
My attempt at hiding from her was pretty pathetic, not gunna lie. Knowing her, she'd search in drawers just to check if I was there, so I didn't really think this through.   
Why I didn't just go in the bathroom, I do not know.

"Uh, sorry I just needed to...study," I lied, stuttering like a confused child.

"I could've helped you!" She complained with a nudge. "What subject?"

"Maths," I replied, smirking slightly. We both knew that Louise was the last person to turn to for maths help.

"Ah, maybe not," she said sheepishly. I chuckled slightly, in which she playfully shoved me.

Louise was one of my best friends, she's always been there for me through every hellish day of my life. We've been friends ever since year 1 **–** we actually used to hate each other after she threw sand at me and I cried because it went in my eyes.  
Quite funny to think about now, although it wasn't so funny when the sand was burning out my eyeballs.

Anyways, we've been friends ever since. Although the only problem with Louise was that she often knew when something was wrong.

I've always been someone that never tells anyone about my problems. I just felt like it'd make things worse to risk it being out in the open.  
Clearly, something was wrong right now. If I burdened her happiness anymore that I probably already had, the guilt would definitely set in. I knew that my problems were my problems. If I ended up getting her twisted up in my shit at home, I'd never forgive myself.

Although I've gotta admit **—** I was terrible at hiding things.   
For example: my emotions.

Therefore Louise could read my feelings like a book on font size 72.

"Daniel James Howell," she said slowly, making my face scrunch slightly. "Why are you unhappy? You look like someone's died."

My eyes widened like saucers, as I knew I could not escape Louise's questions. "Uh, I **—** "

A heavy force on my shoulders caused me to yelp like some sort of animal, and I whipped my head round to see the familiar glasses and light hair.

"Hey dude!" Tyler exclaimed. He was extremely out of breath; probably from racing up to me and Louise at such high velocity.   
"What are you guys talking about?"

I turned back around, rolling my eyes. "Tyler, you scared the  _shit_ out of me," I sighed. "I thought you were someone coming to beat me up or something!"

After a loud guffaw from Tyler, he patted my shoulder twice. "Hello to you too, Dan."

Tyler Oakley is one of the popular kids at school **—** but he's one of the nice ones. Being a mixture of nerdy, flirty, and slightly over-confident has caused Tyler to be someone who is literally friends with everybody.  
He hangs out with Louise and I quite a lot than he used to now, which is pretty cool as he's a great guy and all.

One small fault in that though. He is so loud that he  _literally_ scares me every time I'm greeted by him. What just happened here was one common way he regularly makes me jump out of my skin.

He practically leapt into the empty chair next to me, and hearing the loud thud made me wince slightly. It sounded like it'd hurt him, sitting on a seat at such force **—** but his massive grin remained on his face as he looked from me to Louise.

I glanced at her with a knowing look.  
Clearly his excitement showed that he was desperate to say something.

"What is it?" I sighed, a small laugh escaping my lips.

"I'm  _so_ glad you asked!" He giggled. "So, you know Anthony in our year? Well...he is now single!"

Louise practically shoved me out of the way to talk to Tyler. "What!? How!? Who?! When!? Where!? Why!?" She questioned, with a slightly crazed look in her eyes.

Louise and Tyler loved a good bit of gossip.

As they chattered away like excitable chipmunks, I zoned out. My mind, as much as I didn't want it to, wondered back to my dad. I wondered whether he'd let it slide just this once, as rare as it was, because I really just wanted to sleep in at least a little bit of peace for one night.  
Reality was, that it probably won't be brushed under the carpet.

The room around me began to fragment away so that the corner of my eyes were tinted in darkness. It was a normal thing for this to happen; it happened all the time at home.   
It was like this darkness that you kind of sank into, as if you were a ship sinking down into the bottomless pit of sea. No coming up for air, no escape.  
Just darkness.

Before I could slip deeper into the void of thought, the bell chimed loudly, piercing through my eardrums with its hideous ringing.  
I was used to it by now—but it was still deafening either way.  
We all rose, hoisting our bags onto our backs to make our way to our last class.

"Well, I've got Home Economics now," Tyler beamed. "I'll see you tomorrow! I really love hanging out with you guys, you're awesome."

I gave Tyler a small smile. "Thanks."

His eyes connected with mine, and a small pink glow appeared on his cheeks as he gave me a wide grin.

With that, he turned and skipped down the corridor to his class.

Once he'd turned the corner, Louise gave me the biggest nudge ever. "Ow!" I yelped. "That was uncalled for!"

"I think Tyler has a small crush on you Dan," she whispered.

I snorted. "Don't be so ridiculous Louise," I babbled. "He talks about that Anthony guy everyday, he clearly has a thing for him."  **[crackships everywhere *le gasp*]**

Plus, I didn't know the first thing about relationships. But I didn't dare tell Louise that **—** she'd give me so many dating tips that she could fill a book.

"Nah, that's just a relationship fantasy that he knows he can't take seriously," she retorted. "With you, I think he's willing to take things seriously."

I didn't believe that for a second. Tyler could date anyone he wanted to, he's one of the popular nice guys.  
But arguing with Louise was way too much effort.

"Whatever," I muttered as we started walking out of the canteen. "What do you have next?"

She thought for a moment, and then she remembered. "I have Art!"

I groaned. "You lucky bastard, I have History."

She laughed at me, no signs of sympathy showing anywhere. "Have fun!"

We said goodbye and separated, making our way into our different classes.

☾

_If I come home, it'll only be a matter of time before he loses his temper. He once told me that even the sight of my face made his blood boil, which is a reassuring thing to hear from your own dad._

_I shouldn't have snapped at him this morning, maybe I wouldn't be dreading the end of school so much. This is my own fault though, I can't reverse time. That's not how life works sadly._

"Mr Howell," I heard Mrs Lynn say.

I jumped in my seat, once again slamming my diary shut. "Y-Yes miss?" I stuttered.

"Please pay attention to this unless you want to fail your upcoming test," she told me with an eyebrow raise.

I could feel everyone's eyes burning into me at that moment, and it was the most intimidated I'd felt in a long time. "S-Sorry, Mrs Lynn."

She gave me the look of ' _I've got my eye on you'_ and turned back to the whiteboard to continue instructing the class. I decided to listen for a while, just to avoid the awkwardness again.

During the lesson, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I discreetly took out my phone, reading the text message.  
It was from Tyler.

 _Tyler:_   _Hey Dan,_  
 _Wanna hang out after school? Xx_

After a quick glance around to check that no one could see me, I texted back.

 _Dan:_   _Sure, meet at the gates?_

Almost immediately, I got a reply.

 _Tyler:_   _Sounds like a plan :) see ya there Xxx_

I was aware that being late home was risky, but I needed some more time to calm down. I was almost having a panic attack about it earlier.  
At least hanging out with Tyler will buy me more time, and also be a good distraction from dad.

I slipped my phone back in my pocket, returning back to the focus of the lesson.

I felt a lot more relaxed for the first time in the whole day.

 


	3. chapter 2

** Dan **

_Dear Diary,_  
 _I'm glad I have a distraction now. Although this whole situation is difficult, friends are always there to help you through_ — _even if they don't know about it._

I felt a rush of wind beside me as my fringe flew into my face. I brushed away the stray strands to reveal Tyler, panting heavily. "I'm so sorry I'm late!" He gasped. "I burnt my first batch of cookies so I had to start over."

I slammed my book shut for the third time today, and gave him a reassuring smile as I slipped it back into my coat pocket. "No problem," I answered, slipping my hands into my pockets. "So uh...where do you wanna go?"

A half-smile appeared on his face, immediately telling me that he had an idea. "Well," he started. "There's this movie I really wanna watch, and it's basically all about dogs."

After a look of amusement from me, we both burst out laughing. "Sounds great!" I chuckled.

As we walked to the cinema, I noticed that the way Tyler spoke was suddenly different. He usually talks loudly and incredibly quickly, but now he spoke quieter, and slightly slower.

He almost seemed nervous.

We entered the cinema, in which Tyler immediately ran to the snacks.  
Before I could even start walking, Tyler rushed back with a mountain of sweets and chocolate.

"Do you wanna get popcorn or do you think this'll be enough?" He asked, just about managing to catch my eye over the candy mountain in his hands.

"I definitely think that's enough, Tyler," I laughed, and we took it to the checkout.

Once we'd payed for everything, we raced down to Room 3, which was where our movie was being viewed. Tyler was giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Keep your voice down," I whisper-shouted over the adverts playing on the screen. "Where do you wanna sit?"

"You wanna go to the back?" He whispered.

"O-Okay."

Unexpectedly, he grabbed my hand and dragged me up the steps, until we got to the very back row.   
We sat down at the two lonely seats in the corner, and we put down the endless packets of candy with an exhausted sigh.

The fact that I got out of breath just from going up some steps just proved that my stamina was ridiculously low. But instead of panting like an excited dog, I desperately tried to cover it up by quickly breathing in and out of my nose.

Which, to be honest, probably looked even weirder.

Thankfully, Tyler was too focused on the fact that the movie was starting, so I was safe for now.

About halfway through the film, I suddenly felt Tyler's fingertips gently brush my hand, before they quickly laced together so that he was holding my hand.

I felt my face burning up and I thought my head was gunna blow up, but I kept my gaze and focus on the movie in attempt to act a bit more "chill" than I actually was.

But that plan didn't go so well for much longer.

Because about ten minutes later, I felt Tyler's hand let go of mine—and rest on my inner thigh.

I couldn't help but look down at my leg in shock, but I ended up accidentally looking up at Tyler and making direct eye-contact with him.

And our faces were literally two inches apart.

"Uh," he whispered, his eyes flickering to my lips. "I've gotta quickly go to the bathroom. Do you wanna come with me...?"

I couldn't physically speak at this moment because my nervousness somehow robbed my ability of forming a sentence, so I just slowly nodded at him.

☾

Tyler shoved me against the locked cubicle door, grabbing my shoulders and attacking my lips hungrily, and I kissed him back with just as much force.

By this point the nerves I felt had just been numbed because I found myself doing things that I'd usually be terrified of.

For example, this.

I gripped onto Tyler's hips, pulling him closer as I continued to kiss him fiercely.  
I was very thankful that no one often ventured into these toilets, because I probably would've died of embarrassment if someone caught us.

He pulled away, transferring to my neck. A small sigh escaped my lips as I felt him nibbling gently on my skin. I was trying not make too much noise, but my neck is generally really sensitive so it was hard not to.

He suddenly pulled away, looking me up and down. "Dan..." he whispered, biting his lip gently.

"Y-Yeah?" I asked breathlessly.

He looked me in the eyes lustfully. "Your phone's ringing."

After a small pause, I frowned. "W-What?"

"Your phone," he repeated, pointing down at my pocket.

I quickly looked down, seeing it buzzing and vibrating violently, and I quickly grabbed it and pressed ' _Answer'_ almost immediately.

"Hello?" I said, putting the phone to my ear.

"Son."

I felt all the blood drain out of my face and my spine chilled as I listened to the familiar voice that I really didn't wanna be hearing right now.

"Get home right now."

He said it almost calmly—which made me feel even more uneasy.

"S-Sorry," I stuttered in a high-pitched squeak. "I'll be home in t-ten minutes."

"No later than that."

With that, the line went dead. I turned around, unlocking the cubicle, but Tyler put a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong?"

I turned to him, plastering on a fake smile. "Sorry, my dad wants me home now," I explained, trying to hide the terror in my voice. "We should do this again sometime."

He nodded slowly. "Yeah we should. Are you okay though? You look a bit...pale."

I opened the door. "Do I?" I fake-chuckled. "I have to get going, I'll see you at school."

I speed walked out of there before I could change my mind.   
I really did wanna stay with Tyler, and I felt terrible for leaving almost halfway through the movie.

But that was the least of my worries now.

☾

I stood at the door, my whole body chattering like a vibrating phone. This was my own fault for saying yes to hanging out with Tyler. The situation was already dire, and I went and made it worse.  
I knew that I deserved these consequences.

So why couldn't I bring myself to knock on the door?

I guess you could say I was scared, scared of the consequences. But I knew that was me being selfish. What I'd done could not be excused, I had to face the music.

I raised my fist to the door, and without thinking too much about it, I knocked three times.

Once I'd done it, I almost had a mental breakdown. But dad especially hates it when I cry. He says I'm a wuss, which is one hundred percent true.

Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal dad, and I quickly pulled myself together.  
His hair was everywhere, dark circles hovered under his eyes, and his face was as red as a tomato. Despite all that, he had a completely neutral expression on his face. I'd learnt from the past that when his face is neutral, it definitely doesn't mean that he's calm.

"H-Hi dad," I mumbled, plastering on a smile.

"Hello son," he replied calmly. "Come in."

I stepped inside, and followed him into the kitchen. He walked over to the sink, running water into the kettle. "Tea?" He asked.

"Y-Yes please." I answered, knowing that if I turned the request down then he'd snap.  
I slowly walked over to the dining table, sliding into a seat and nervously peeking over at dad.

My only guess was that he was gunna put something in the drink, so I watched him as he made it.

He put a regular teabag into the china cup, and walked over to the fridge to bring the milk to the counter.  
Red lid. Semi-skimmed. Half full. Looked pretty normal to me.

My eyes darted to the kettle as it started to whistle and bubble in the heat. Dad watched it intently, and as soon as it made the  _ping_ sound, he violently grabbed the handle and poured it into the cup.

I gulped. It didn't look like he could've possibly put anything in the drink; I just watched him make it from scratch, and each step he took seemed like he was just...making tea.

This made me even more nervous, because I had no idea what the hell he was planning to do to me.

He approached me, placing the tea down on the table. I looked down at it nervously as the steam tumbled into my face.

"Take a sip, Daniel," he told me. "I promise it's fine to drink."

Even though I knew the tea was indeed safe, I still felt uneasy.  
I picked up the cup by the handle as dad sat opposite me at the table. I took a sip, hissing as it scalded the roof of my mouth.

Dad chuckled, making my eyes dart towards him. "I'm pretty sure it's drinking temperature," he said. "You're not a  _wuss_ , are you son?"

_Yes. I am. I'm the biggest wuss to ever exist and I wanna get out of here._

"N-No," I replied, laughing nervously. I took a sip again and held back the hiss this time, even though my mouth began to get very sore.

"So Daniel," Dad began, placing both his hands on the table and putting them together. "You are very late home. Care to explain why?"

"I-I was with Tyler, my friend from school," I explained, knowing that lying makes things worse. "H-He wanted to hang out after school, I-I didn't want to be rude."

He paused for a moment, watching me sip the last drop of my boiling tea. "Interesting," he mumbled, standing up. "Let me make you another cup."  
He took my cup and my stomach lurched from the nerves. My mouth was incredibly sore, I was going to be in agony by the end of this cup.

It's what I deserved.

As he started making the second load of tea, I suddenly felt my phone vibrate loudly in my pocket. I took it out, reading a message from Tyler.

_Tyler:_   _Hey Dan,_  
 _Sorry if I was a bit rough with you in the bathroom. I just really like you...:3 Even though we only saw each other for, like, an hour, I still had a great time. Do you wanna go on a date sometime? Xxx_

I blushed to myself, smiling down at the text. I went to reply to him—but before I could, my phone was swiped away from me by my dad.  
I felt the blood rush out of my face as I realized.

_No._   
_This can't be happening._

"D-Dad please—"

He slowly raised his hand, a signal that told me to shut up. As he read the message over and over, a smile began to creep onto his face.   
He then started to cackle with laughter, causing me to slightly sink in my seat.

"So I'm not only raising a lying wuss," he chuckled, his face turning redder and redder. "But I'm also raising a  _fag_?!"

I flinched at the word 'fag'. I've always hated that word. It's such a spiteful thing to say to someone.

I started to shake. "I-I-I'm not—"

He slammed his hand down on the table. "There you go with the lying again!" He boomed, causing me to whimper with fear as the table rattled.

He marched back over to the counter, grabbing the tea and violently shoving it on the table in front of me. He then grabbed my hand, his grip causing me to cry out in pain. "You're going to hell, Daniel," he whispered, spit foaming from his mouth like an angry dog. "Hell contains  _fire._ How hot is fire?"

"V-V-Very hot," I stuttered, a tear spilling down my face.

He nodded, with an evil smile on his face. "Yes. It is. It's  _boiling._ Hotter than this freshly made cup of tea."

I paused, taking a moment to slowly look at the steaming cup of tea in front of me. The steam propelled into my face, giving me a hot flush. I felt it swirl and stick to my face, layering my face with extra moisture, mixing in with my terrified sweats.

And just as I realised what he was planning, he dragged my wrist to the cup and dunked my whole hand into the scorching liquid.  
I let out a loud screech, madly struggling in his hold as he forcefully kept my hand in the mug. I may have deserved it, but boy was it painful. It felt like my flesh was being ripped apart bit by bit, yet all he used was a fucking cup of tea.  
Dad tends to use his creativity in crazier ways than one expects.

With every tear that rolled down my face, another slap was earned across my face.

_Stop. Stop. Stop. STOP. STOP!!_

I suddenly caught a little adrenaline rush from all this intense pain, causing me to whip my burning hand into dad's face, whacking him around the nose sharply.

The moment he took a step back, I knew I needed to run.

I pulled myself out of the chair, bounding towards the front door. I could hear his footsteps behind me, chasing after me as I opened the door, but he was too late. I'd already slammed the door in his face and legged it back down the porch, as if my life depended on it.

 


	4. chapter 3

** Dan **

_Dear Diary,_   
_I've scraped together my spare change and found just enough money for a payphone call. I've called Louise and...she's on her way._

_I know I can't stay with my dad for much longer, but I can't just rely on Louise either._

_After I've plucked up the courage to collect my stuff, I'm moving away. Away from this place. I can't stay here for much longer, it's just a constant reminder of...no, he's not my dad. He's a stranger to me. Unless it's normal behaviour for a father to scorch their fucking children's hands with tea._

I looked down at my injured hand, wincing at how sore it was. It was nearly purple, and shrivelled up like a bunch of raisins.

I knew I'd probably not drink tea ever again after that experience.

It was now pitch black, as I'd been wandering around for a long time before I found a telephone box. The chilly, winter air flew through my long hair as I shivered and flicked it out of my face. I really should get it cut soon, I swear it's longer than an elephant's lifespan.

Eventually, I saw a black Audi pull up outside the phone box, and the horn beeped twice. I shoved my diary in my pocket and gulped, knowing I'd have to tell her what happened.

And I wasn't looking forward to it.

☾

The engine's hum was the only thing breaking the silence as the car slowly drove along.   
I stared out the window blankly, avoiding Louise's line of sight like the plague.

I really didn't wanna tell her, I'd just be another burden on her shoulders. She's too much of a happy, positive person to get involved in this.

Yet I went and called her.

All of my friends seem to be like that. They're so different compared to me. I'm the complete opposite of positive and I hate it. I wish I was the happy, content friend that wasn't so damn problematic, but...I'm not.

After another moment of silence, she finally spoke up. "Are you gunna tell me what happened?" Her voice was calm, but you could tell that she was trying not to fly off the handle.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

The silence lingered for longer until she spoke up again. "Why didn't you tell me about your dad, Dan?"

I looked around to her with shock and fear. "H-How did you know?"

She gave me a sympathetic smile. "I can see the hit marks on your face, Dan."

In panic, I quickly faced the window again, although I wasn't sure what I was achieving there as it was too late to hide it now. "I...I just..." I started, tears forming in my eyes as I violently blinked them back. "I...I just don't want you to get involved because you don't deserve to deal with my problems. You deserve to live a happy life, without me getting in your way. I'm sorry Louise..."

There was a pause before she pulled up outside her house. We both unbuckled our seatbelts and exited the car. I walked round, and before I could look over at Louise, she'd wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly. I froze in shock, clearly not expecting it.

"You numpty," she giggled sadly. "My life will never be perfect, but the least I can do is help out my best friend. You're not a burden to anyone, Dan. You must tell me these things, okay?"

I found myself uncontrollably bursting into tears.

As I cried, Louise led me inside her house, and I felt her lead me upstairs as I sobbed.  
This was truly embarrassing. I'd never cried in front of Louise before—but I just couldn't stop. The tears kept coming and coming; you might as well have just called me Niagra Falls by this point.

I took a seat on her bed, desperately trying to calm down. Time passed, and I eventually began to cease my hysterics, and was left leaning on my knees and my elbows, rocking back and forth gently as I took a few deep breaths.

Louise had left the room and come back with two mugs of steaming-hot tea and a first-aid kit wedged in between the mugs. I gulped, looking away from the mug as she placed it on her desk.

She sat down next to me, taking out the bandages and gently lifting my shrivelled hand. "How are you feeling?"

I sighed, burying my head in my free hand and rubbing my eyes. "Exhausted," I admitted.

There was a small silence as she wrapped my hand in the bandage. She hadn't even asked me about how I got the burnt hand, and that's what I loved about Louise.  
She's eager to help but still respects people's boundaries.

She shut the case, letting out a thoughtful sigh. "Go on, get into bed," she told me. "I'll take the floor for tonight."

I felt bad that Louise had to sleep on the floor, but I was too tired to protest.  
I wrapped myself in Louise's duvet, snuggling up against the pillow. My whole body ached, and my hand was still tingling from the burning.

Louise set out some spare bedding on the floor, and reached over to turn the light out.

She froze. "Dan?"

"Yeah?" I mumbled.

"Please promise that you won't keep secrets from me again. I want to help you," she asked, giving me a saddened, sympathetic look.

You see that's what I hated.  
The sympathy. The look of 'I feel sorry for you', it makes me feel even more like an outcast. Like I'm not good enough to stand up on my own.

Like I'm not a normal person.

I knew this was a promise that I couldn't keep, so I crossed my fingers from under the covers. "I-I promise. Thanks for letting me stay."

"You don't need to thank me."

With that, the light went out.

☾

Tyler wasn't in school today.

If it were anyone else off school, I would've just presumed that they were either ill or skiving.  
But Tyler never skipped school. Literally never.

The only time he skipped school was on school trips, and even that alone wasn't really a proper absence.

I had English today, and I always sat next to him in English lessons. It was weird not being distracted all lesson.

"So class," Mr Urie said, clapping twice to get our attention. "Can someone please give me a definition of 'revenge'?"

As he wrote the word on the board in block capitals, a few people raised their hands.

"Pete," he said, swivelling round to Pete Wentz who sat at the front desk. "Definition. Go."

"U-Uh, when...someone does something like steal your lunch so you...do it back?" He stuttered.

Mr Urie gave him a very blank expression. "Pete that definition was absolutely dreadful," he said honestly.

"S-Sorry sir," he whispered as everyone chuckled.

"You weren't entirely wrong," Mr Urie continued with a shrug. "Revenge is indeed, payback. Revenge is telling someone that they have not won. So let's take Pete's example, if you steal your friend's lunch and they get really angry about it, they can get revenge."

Pete's face lit up, radiating the vibe that he felt special.

I had no idea why he was telling us the definition for revenge, we weren't in Year 6 anymore.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I secretly took it out.

Tyler: h

I frowned down at the message. Why had Tyler sent me a random 'h'? Was he trying to say hi? If so why?

Mr Urie continued. "But revenge can be dangerous in that sometimes, it doesn't end."

Dan: Tyler? Where are you today?

"It can sometimes end up like a ping pong ball, at constant back-and-forth retaliation."

Tyler: hdia

"As a result of the revenge, they can get revenge too."

Dan: What's going on? Are you okay?

"And it'll keep bouncing back until someone gets hurt."

Tyler: he

Tyler: lp

I stood up abruptly, causing everyone's attention to draw towards me.

"Is there a problem, Howell?" The teacher asked me with a raised eyebrow.

After five seconds of trying to form a sentence, I simply blurted: "B-Bathroom!" And raced out of the classroom before anyone could laugh at me.

As I walked down the corridor, I quickly messaged back—

Dan: Hang in there. I'm on my way.

—and then proceeded to the exit.

Because I knew exactly where he was.

☾

With a clenched fist, I hammered on the door, and I felt sweat drip down the back of my neck.

My head was soaring as I quickly brainstormed what the fuck I was supposed to do, but it wasn't long until the door swung open.

I knew I needed to get straight to the point with him as quickly as possible, but try not to flip him off too easily. "I'm s-sorry Dad," I said, pretending to be the usual stuttering mess I was.

For some reason I felt more determined than nervous.

He looked down at me, giving me the coldest smile. "It's okay son," he told me calmly. "Come in."

I stepped inside, walking ahead to the kitchen and sitting down. He stepped through the door, and looked at me with a slightly shocked expression. "Tea, son?"

I really didn't want anymore tea after yesterday, but I needed to stay calm. "Y-Yes please," I replied with a tight smile.

He smiled back, walking over and turning on the kettle and preparing the components for the tea.

I took this short period of time to continue thinking about what to do—but I was so panicked that my mind was blank. The determination was giving up on me, and I needed to think of something fast.

Suddenly, a scream. I snapped my attention to down the hallway as I heard a muffled screech.

Tyler.

I almost legged it to save him, but I knew I needed to be clever, so I forced myself to stay where I was and pretend I didn't notice. Dad did exactly the same thing, although I could see the fury in his eyes as he placed the tea on the table.

I clutched the mug, which burned my sore hand, but I was in thought.  
Tyler was definitely in trouble, and he was definitely in this house.

"So what were you up to when you were gone?" He asked, sitting in the chair opposite me.

I stared down at the cup. "Uh, nothing really," I lied. "I had nowhere to stay so I just waited until the sun rose and I...headed off into school."

He nodded at me, almost suspiciously. "Did you see Tyler today at school?"

Anger rapidly rose in my body, along with a shit load of adrenaline.

I slowly looked up at him, my eyebrows furrowing. "No."

"Why are you looking at me like that, Daniel?" He asked, his face reddening.

I didn't say anything for a few moments, contemplating what I was about to do. But soon after, I answered him.

"Because you, father, are a fucking arsehole."

And I wasted no more time.  
I chuckled the liquid into his face, and he screeched and sank to the floor, writhing in pain.  
I raced out of the room, sprinting up the stairs.

"Tyler?!" I screamed, and I heard his muffled voice coming from my room. I ran to my door, shoving the door out of my way to reveal a tied-up, shivering Tyler.

His mouth was taped, so all he could do was make muffled noises as he saw me in the doorway.

"Oh my god," I mumbled, racing up to him and collapsing down to rip off the seal from his mouth.

He took a massive gasp of air. "D-Dan," he barely whispered.

"I'm so sorry Tyler, I'm so so sorry," I stuttered, a shaky sob escaping my lips as I fumbled with the rope to untie him. As soon as I completely released him, we tightly embraced in relief. "I knew something was wrong," I mumbled. I pulled away quickly to look at him. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes I'm f-fine," he said softly, a relieving smile appearing on his face. Although it didn't last for long, and his smile quickly faded to panic.

"Dan watch out!!"

My head swivelled around, only to be grabbed and dragged by my hair across the room. "Ow! Let me go you bastard!!" I screamed as I struggled.

He lifted me up, thrashing my head against my mirror. I heard it smash, and my eyes immediately dropped and black dots appeared in my vision as he threw my head against it even more.

He stopped, his mouth close to my ear. "I've had enough of your bullshit. You're gunna die, you pathetic piece of crap."

He went to strike the final blow, in which I was too weak to fight back—only to drop me as he was dragged back.

"Get off of me you little—"

He's hurting Tyler.

I gained the last droplet of energy from a dangerously small amount of adrenaline, and I stood up. All I could see was my dad, repeatedly connecting his fist with Tyler's face.

My eyes widened as my anger became intense. "Get the fuck off of him, you fucking sicko!"

He stopped punching, slowly turning to me with an icy grin.  
He then lifted Tyler by the hem of his shirt, who flopped from weakness and pain. His face was milky white, you could see how close he was to passing out.

He let out a small groan, causing dad to chuckle. "I reckon one more whack and he'll be a goner," he giggled evilly. "Say goodbye, Howell."

He raised his fist, and I zoomed to dad. "NO!!"

Silence.

I looked my dad in the eyes, and he stared straight back. His gaze moved down to his stomach, where a mirror shard pierced his skin.   
I clutched it tightly, whipping it out and the blood flowed out of him.

He dropped Tyler, and I took a few steps back as I kept my gaze on him.

He smiled at me. "You think...you're so fucking...clever..."  
With that, his body dropped to the ground.

I gasped for air, my chest heaving as I stared down at the sight in front of me. My hands shook violently, feeling the blood trickling down my arms and dripping onto the floor. I couldn't even tell whether it was my own blood or his blood that was splattered onto my face.

I felt the blade of the mirror shard pressing into the palm of my hand as I clutched onto it—but the pain in my body was nothing compared to the excruciating fear coursing through my veins.

I let out a panicked whimper as I stared into his dead eyes, causing me to drop the weapon and take a step back.

Dad was dead, and it was all my fault.

 


	5. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that Phil will come into it soon!

**_ A/N: _ ** _Just a lil disclaimer that Phil does come into the story at some point, he comes in a bit later :)_   
_\- EJ_

** Dan **

"OH MY GOD!" I screamed, pressing my back up against the wall.

He was dead. Gone. Lifeless. The glint in his eye was non-existent. The first time I'd ever seen my dad look so vulnerable: when he was merely a shell.

Tyler twitched on the ground, groaning as he slowly rose. His head was right in front of my dad's, causing him to unexpectedly scream in shock and panic.  
His eyes shot towards me as I shook violently, feeling the blood of my father burning into my skin.

" _Shit_ Dan," he whispered, shakily standing up. "H-He's r-really go **—** "

" **—** I need to get out of here," I whispered, my eyes darting around the room. "I killed him, I'm gunna go to prison, I **—** I need to get out of he **—** "

"No! You don't have to run away, Dan," he cried, racing up to me and gripping onto my throbbing, bleeding hands. "He was about to kill  _both_ of us. This was in self-defence, if we tell the police t-then **—** "

" **—** It doesn't matter whether it was self-defence or not!" I interrupted. "I killed him. Someone's life was taken from them. And  _I_ took it.  _He was my own dad._ "

He buried his head in his hands. "Oh Dan," he sniffed.

Sympathy suddenly hit me and I flung my arms around him. "I'm sorry Tyler," I wept. "I'm sorry you were dragged into this shit."

We stood there for a few minutes, weeping until we began to calm down. Well, we were definitely anything but calm, but we started to think about our options.

I pulled away gently. "You go take a shower and wash off that blood, I'll deal with him," I mumbled. Although I didn't know how I would cope, I couldn't even look at him.

"O-Okay," he whispered. "Are you sure you don't need any help?"

I hesitated, but then shook my head. "No, it's okay."

He nodded, giving me a sad smile. "Well, see you in a minute."

With that, he left. Leaving me alone with my dad.

I raced out of the room, running downstairs to the kitchen and collapsing against the wall.  
I needed to man-up, but I really was a wuss. Dad wasn't lying when he said that.

I started searching through all the kitchen drawers, and was relieved to find the cleaning products under the sink. I grabbed a bucket, a mop, and as many sponges and sprays that I could find.

Once I'd loaded up every product I could find, I slowly started walking up the stairs, dreading to relive the sight I saw a minute ago.

Reluctantly, I walked back into my room, dropping the objects and rolling up my sleeves, mentally and physically preparing myself. I slid my arms underneath his armpits, dragging him with all my possible arm strength.

Fuck, he was heavy.

I managed to drag him out of the bedroom and down the stairs before taking a break and gasping for air. I groaned as I realised that I'd left a trail of blood going down the stairs. I made a mental note to sort that out later.

_Knock knock knock._

My whole body froze in shock.  
That was definitely a knock on the door.

Surely the police aren't here already?? No one but me and Tyler knows, how is this even possible??

Unless...someone heard something.

I backed up, staying as silent as possible.

Oh God. This is the end.

_Knock knock knock._ "Hello?" A ragged, scratchy voice said. "Sorry to disturb you, but I'm here to sell you cookies!"

I sighed with relief, immediately recognising the voice as Pat, our old friendly neighbour. My dad always turned her away, but she only comes back because I talk to her quite often when I'm on my way to school. She was nice enough.

I tiptoed up to the door, opening it and peeking nothing but my head out of the crack. I couldn't fully expose the hallway, she'll see the blood on my body.

Not to mention my dad on the stairs.

"Ah! Hello Daniel!" She beamed, holding her basket of cookies. "Would you like some free cookies? Just for you! Don't tell the neighbours!"

I gave her a nervous laugh. "Thanks Pat, but I'm okay for now," I said. "I'm a bit...busy right now."

"Busy?" She exclaimed slightly, with confusion present on her face. "Is your father there?"

I paused. "N-No he's out right now. Maybe come back later, I'll take some cookies then."

"O-Okay boy," she replied, still slightly confused. "May I ask...what's that red splatter on your face?"

I began to panic, not knowing what to say. So I simply blurted out: "Ketchup." and slammed the door.

Once I was positive Pat was gone, I resumed to dragging dad's body again.

Pat was a lovely lady, but she's probably one sandwich short of a picnic. Hopefully, she wouldn't have been able to suss out that it was blood, I'd be shocked if she did.

After a shit-load of heaving and gasping for air, I dragged him out to the back garden, where a small shed was sat, and resorted to hiding him in there.

I stared at his body with guilt before shutting the door, locking it, and burying the key into some nearby dirt.

What had just happened still hadn't sunk in. It still feels like he's alive and well, when in reality he's rotting in a shed.

_Stop it Dan_ I thought to myself.  _You need to focus on cleaning up and legging it out of here._

I walked back upstairs, picking up some of the cleaning products randomly scattered over the floor.  
Taking a deep breath, I got on my knees and started scrubbing furiously at the red stains on the floor, desperately trying to erase as much evidence as I could.

Just as I was nearing the end of scrubbing, Tyler walked through in his clothes that he wore before, but thankfully had no more blood on him. I looked up from the last little blob of blood I was cleaning and gave him a small smile. It wasn't elation, but it wasn't complete defeat either.

"I think it's your turn to shower now Dan," he laughed sadly. "You're covered."

I glanced down at my body, only just realising how much drying-up blood was covering my body. Quite a harrowing amount, to say the least.

"I think you're right," I replied, standing up and stretching my back.

There was a small silence between us before I walked out of the room, heading towards the bathroom.

Once I'd stripped off and stepped into the shower, I turned up the heat knob all the way round, as I knew that the instant hotness would give me a boost of energy after these events.

I vigorously scrubbed at my body, desperate to get rid of my own father's DNA off of every part of it. I even scrubbed when the blood was long-gone **—** I wanted to remove every trace, but although the blood was gone, I knew that it will always be permanently etched into me. Those were just the consequences of murder.

But...he was about to kill Tyler...I couldn't let him do that. If I'd have just let him strike the last punch, I would never forgive myself.

It doesn't matter what I tell the police, it's still murder. I'm a criminal. I'm a murderer.

As the water streamed onto my face, I started getting flashbacks. Dad's angry, furious eyes, his punches, his  _rage_ **—** all sucked out of him suddenly.

My mind travelled to the shed in the garden. An image of his lifeless, limp body stuck in my head all too well.

I suddenly got a flash-forward. His body was still sprawled in the same position, flies hovered over him as millions of maggots ate away at his flesh, exposing parts of his insides.

I almost projectile vomited right there in the shower, but I managed to keep it down. I simply let out a muffled gag, covering my mouth with my hand.

Knowing that that's what he'll look like one day, all worn-out and deformed, was a thought that I wished I could erase right away.

I suddenly knew exactly what I was gunna do next.

I turned off the shower, stepping out and grabbing a towel and drying myself off. There was a small, grey toiletries cupboard, where I found a white dressing gown neatly folded up. It didn't look like it'd been worn, so I grabbed it and tied it around me.

I looked up at myself in the mirror, my wet poodle-like hair dripping with hot water as steam cascaded from my body. Thankfully no blood, which was the main thing.

I walked back into my room, where Tyler sat on my bed, staring at the floor blankly. He noticed me in the doorway after a few seconds and quickly stood up.

He looked scared, and quite sad.  
He knew what was coming.

"S-So what happens now?" He whispered, looking at the floor.

I sighed, taking a step towards him. "I...can't stay here," I answered. "And I'm sorry, but you can't contact me again. I don't want to risk the police going after you."

He nodded solemnly, keeping his eyes on the ground. "What should I tell Louise?"

I thought for a moment. "Tell her that... I had to get away from my dad. Don't tell her about the murder part, I'll never forgive myself if she found out..."

"O-Okay."

"And Tyler?"

He finally looked up. "Yeah, Dan?"

I really didn't wanna say this. "Until I come back," I started. "we can't...well whatever we had, we can't keep doing it. I'm really sorry Tyler."

He chuckled lightly. "Of course, I understand Dan. I really hope you get out of this one day. I believe in you."

I smiled at him, pulling him into a hug. "Thank you," I whispered.

Once I'd packed everything I needed and changed out of the dressing gown, I walked down to the front door, where Tyler and I turned to each other, obviously not wanting to move.

"I guess this is goodbye," he mumbled, looking into my eyes. "I'll miss you Dan."

"I'll miss you too, Tyler. Come here." I pulled him into another hug, tightly embracing him before letting go. "Please go to the hospital and get your injuries checked out, promise me you'll do that?"

He nodded. "I will. Stay safe out there."

I opened the front door, and we both stepped outside again. It took every ounce of strength not to burst out crying as I walked down the porch one last time, my suitcase wheeling behind me and crashing against the concrete.

We both got to the end of the porch, looking at each other and smiling sadly.

"Bye Dan," Tyler said, his eyes glistening.

"Bye Tyler," I replied with an extreme voice wobble.

And with that, we both split separate ways, and he'd disappeared from my line of sight before I knew it.

I wiped a stray tear from my cheek as I walked on, through the small town that I'd grown up in.

But I knew that my sad farewells were not over yet.

I headed towards the hairdressers, stopping outside the glass window.  
Louise sat at the reception desk, chatting away to another girl standing close to the counter. I pressed my hand against the glass, my eyes welling up. Who knew that saying goodbye could be so hard?

She caught my eye from inside, beaming and rushing out of the desk to open the door. "Dan! What are you doing? It's freezing out here!" She beckoned for me to come in. "You could've just said you wanted a haircut instead of solemnly staring inside like a lost puppy."

I took a step inside, where Louise eyed my suitcase suspiciously. "What's all this about?" She questioned. "Are you going on holiday or something?"

"Uh...yeah, kind of," I lied. "I'm just gunna spend a few months somewhere further away, just to get away from Dad a bit."

"Good for you, Dan," she said, smiling at me. "Would you like a free haircut?"

I didn't really intend to get my haircut at first **—** but at least it gave me a small-ish disguise.

Ish.

It also gave me more time with Louise, as this'll probably be my last day ever seeing her.

I sat down, and we just talked like we usually do in school, and even laughed every now and again. I didn't want it to end.

But unfortunately, it did.

"Okay, your hair's done!" She exclaimed, putting down her comb and scissors to clap her hands excitedly.

I looked back at myself in the mirror, smiling gently. Once again, she'd done an amazing job.  
I knew that she'd be an awesome full-time hairdresser one day.

I stood up, shaking off the hairs on my jeans. It's always uncomfortable having tiny hairs poking into your skin.

Louise dragged my suitcase over, smiling excitedly. I couldn't bring myself to smile at this moment, as it'd fully sunk in that this would be the last time I possibly ever see her again.

"L-Louise I..." I stuttered. "I...You're the best friend ever. Thank you for everything."

"Awh Dan," she said, dragging out the 'a' in my name. She wrapped her arms around me tightly. "Let me know if anything happens and you need somewhere to stay, but until then enjoy your trip."

"Thank you Louise," I whispered, desperately holding back a sobbing fit.

I stepped out of the hairdressers, looking back at her through the glass, where she madly waved at me. I smiled hugely back at her, waving back just as madly.

And after lingering in that spot for just a bit longer, I walked on.

I fast-walked down a corner, leaning against the wall of a building and pulling out my diary.  
I turned to a blank page, teardrops finally falling and soaking the paper.

I didn't even need to write much for this entry. Too much has happened to all be written down.  
So I scribbled down one sentence.

_Dear Diary,_   
_I don't know how I got here_ **—** _but I'm on the run from the police._

 


	6. chapter 5

** Dan **

"Can I get a one-way ticket to London Liverpool Street please?"

The person behind the desk looked me up and down, twitching his mustache. "Bit late for a little guy like you to **—** "

" **—** It's one-way, I'm trying to get home," I lied, slipping some money through the glass door.

"Ah," he nodded in understanding. "Late night party?"

"Y-Yeah," I stuttered, trying not to make it obvious I was lying.

He slid the ticket through. "Stay safe out there boy," he said, and after thanking him briefly, I scurried off.  
I didn't want to raise anymore suspicions than that.

The train pulled in about five minutes later, and I hurriedly stepped on. It was freezing out there that night, it's never a warm night in England.

There weren't many on the train, just a few sleep-deprived work people. I took an empty seat in the corner of the carriage, letting out a small sigh.

This was a mess. A supposedly normal day, transformed into a day from hell. I already missed my friends. Saying goodbye to Louise and Tyler was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

The train started moving and I checked the time.

_00:45._

It was later than I thought, but now I think about it, it isn't everyday I walked to the train station, as it's pretty far from home.  
Well, what used to be my home anyway.

I wondered how long it'll be until my dad's body is found. It could be next year, it could be next month, it could be tomorrow.

It could be now.

Two fat tears fell down my face, and I closed my eyes, finally giving in to my tiredness and falling into a troubled sleep...

☾

_I awoke in a kind of white, dreamy atmosphere, immediately sending a calming aura over me. I gazed up at my strangely calming surroundings, just a glowy kind of white surrounding me._

_I looked down, jumping slightly when I saw someone's hand reaching out to me. I was slightly freaked out, as the body of the person seemed to have dissipated into the pasty mist._

_Yet somehow, I felt drawn to it._

_I reached out, taking the mystery hand, and as soon as I did, it gently tugged forwards, signalling me to start walking. So I did, following behind the hidden person with their visible hand in mine._

_I frowned, coming to my senses a bit. "W-Who are you?" I asked, looking up and stopping._

_My hand suddenly felt very empty, and the strange figure in the mist had vanished into thin air._

☾

I was propelled out of my dream by a severe jolt in the train, causing me to sit up in shock.  
I remembered everything and why I was on this train, and internally groaned.

It was still pitch black outside, but when I checked the time it told me it was now  _2:30_ in the morning.

_We are now arriving at London Liverpool Street. Thank you for travelling with us._

Hurriedly I stood up, grabbing my suitcase and rushing down the carriage to get to the nearest exit.  
As soon as I stepped out, bitter cold seemed to slice through me, despite the hunky coat I was wearing.

I let out a horrendous shiver, immediately starting to walk in desperate attempt to warm up. Unsurprisingly, it didn't do much.

I kept walking, clearly not knowing exactly where I was headed. I just knew that I needed to find somewhere that I could rest until the morning.

The rest of the night was a blur. I got on a lot of underground tubes and eventually got off at a random place. Anywhere was fine if it was far away.

After even more walking, I eventually turned a corner and entered what looked like a different part of London. It was lit up with Christmas lights, and expensive-looking shops surrounded the area. As it was late, there were hardly any people walking around.  
It was quite peaceful.  
It looked a bit eerie though, as all the shops were closed and the only lights that remained were radiating off of the small street lamps dotted here and there **—** but I needed to call it a night before I collapsed from tiredness.

Through all the shops, a lonely, wooden bench sat on the side of it. Not an ideal kind of bed, but for now it was okay.  
I wandered over there, placing down my suitcase and unzipping it to take out my sleeping bag, which I got into as quickly as possible. I huddled down, shivering from the sharp wind that would very occasionally fly by.  
I was cold, vulnerable, uncomfortable **—** but I could finally get a small escape from life: sleep.

I shut my eyes, wishing for a miracle that I knew wouldn't come around, until I once again fell asleep, not waking up even once.

I was glad I didn't wake up that night; sleeping is the only possible way to forget about everything without taking your own life.

There's no escape.

☾

** The next day... **

My eyes fluttered open, and I winced at the hard surface against my back. I quickly sat up, pulling down my sleeping bag slightly to peek at my surroundings.

People. People were everywhere, walking down the paths and zooming past the bench I was sat on. They were entering and exiting shops, talking excitedly, and eating or drinking something. Lots of expensive shops lined the streets beside me, mostly makeup and overpriced coffee shops.

I huddled back into my sleeping bag, suddenly feeling vulnerable and very claustrophobic.  
I recognized this place, I think it was Covent Garden. I used to come here a lot for Christmas shopping.

"Oh, you're awake."

I looked to the other side of the bench, slightly skeptical.  
Although calmed down slightly when I made eye-contact with a pair of soft, ocean-blue eyes that glowed back at mine. He sat there with a small, lopsided grin on his face, and held two Starbucks coffees in each of his hands.

I uncomfortably shifted my eyes away from him. I wasn't in the mood to talk to people.

I heard him sigh lightly. "It's a lovely day, isn't it?" He said. "For dreary old November anyway."

I huddled more into my sleeping bag, staring at the ground and not saying a word.  
There was another small pause, when I felt a load of warm steam on my face. I looked up in panic and wide-eyes, horrific memories coming back.

"Hey, it's okay," he chuckled, and I looked up at him. "It's just coffee. You looked like you needed i **—** "

"—I don't need sympathy, you know," I snapped. "I'm still a normal person. I do have money."

I didn't have much, but that was besides the point. I didn't wanna be treated like a stray kitten. I'm human.  
It's not like I deserved special treatment anyway.

If only he knew.

He hesitantly took the coffee back. "Sorry, of course you're a normal person," he said in understanding, but still kept a smile on his face. "I just thought you'd want some."

I couldn't help but feel kinda bad. He's clearly bought that drink for me, and I probably could do with a Starbucks right now.  
But I couldn't get close to anyone, not in this situation.

Especially this guy, he looked like the most positive person alive.

There was more silence that followed. After a minute, I peeked out from my sleeping bag and frowned at this man.  
What was he trying to do? He hadn't left yet and he wasn't even drinking his coffee. He just sat there.

"Why are you still here?" I asked, slightly irritated.

"I'm just making the most of the sunny day until it's sucked into the abyss of grey," he beamed. "Also, it's never too late to change your mind about the cof **—** "

"—I told you, I don't want it!" I declared, shuffling out of my sleeping bag and walking away from the bench.

I didn't know where the heck I was going, but I had to get away from him.  
Why on earth did he buy a coffee for me?? There's probably a lot of homeless people around here, and I'm sure he didn't go round giving out free coffee to every unfortunate human out there, although he did seem like that type of guy.

But me? I'm a huge pollutant to his happiness. His positivity is a rare thing. I didn't wanna suck it all out of him with my problematic mental abyss.

As I walked, I took out my phone and pressed the home screen button.

_No battery._

I internally groaned in annoyance, putting it back in my pocket. I really wanted to know what the time was, but I soon just about figured it out from the way the sky began to dim.

I must've been asleep for a long time this morning for it to be getting dark already.

I did a bit of exploring before I finally decided to head back to my bench. I was pretty sure that was plenty of time wandering around and the man from earlier would definitely be gone.

Thankfully I was right.

I turned the corner to the familiar, busy path and saw my bench with my stuff all in the same place. I walked back up there, picking up my sleeping bag and wriggling inside it.

Once I was half comfortable, I noticed something on the end of the bench. Frowning, I reached over and took it, doing the biggest eyeroll when I realized what it was.  
It was the coffee that the man had obviously left in case I wanted it.

At that moment I gave in, taking a sip of the sweet, coffee drink. Somehow it'd managed to stay warm.  
In no longer than two minutes, I'd reached the bottom of the cup. I didn't realize how much I needed a coffee—and boy was that a nice one.

I looked down at the typical Starbucks logo, with the strange mermaid lady in the green circle. I still don't to this day understand the concept of that.

I then realized that there was a name scribbled onto the plastic in black sharpie, which I was quick and eager to read.

_Phil Lester._

Well, meeting Phil was nice while it lasted, but at least he's safe from the truth?

☾

He came back.

He fucking came back.

"I see you enjoyed the coffee!" He beamed, walking up to me with two more coffees. I watched him sit down on the bench, and he handed me the coffee.

I hated this sugarcoated sympathy (quite literally) but I knew I needed a boost. I took it hesitantly, taking a sip and letting the warm drink glide down my throat. It was a colder day today, but I instantly felt warmer.

"I was worried you wouldn't like that type," he chuckled. "This one's a cappuccino instead of a mocha, which is the one I gave you yesterday."

I shook my head. "N-No it's perfect. Thank you." I suddenly felt a tiny bit guilty. "Look, I'm sorry I overreacted yesterday, it's just...it was my first day being out here and **—** "

"—You don't need to apologise," he said, looking down. "I know what it's like."

I frowned, peeking out from my sleeping bag slightly. "You've been...homeless before?"

He nodded, his expression turning sad. "My mum and dad kicked me out of my home because, well, they found out I was bi."

I got flashbacks to when my dad read mine and Tyler's messages, and I shuddered. I'm surprised he didn't kill me that day.

"I was homeless for almost a year, until I made a really good friend who offered me a job at his coffee shop, and that got me back on my feet. And...here I am."

I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness for Phil. He looked like the happiest person alive, yet his backstory is so... _dark._

I looked over at him. "I-I'm Dan. Dan Howell. Short for Daniel," I blurted.

Shit, I should've made up a name so that he doesn't suspect me in the future.  
I guess it was too late now.

A bright smile returned to his face. "Nice to meet you," he laughed. "I'm Phil Lester, short for Phillip. But you probably already knew that from the coffee cup."

I nodded, watching the drink go down as I sipped through the straw.

"At least I can put your name on the cup now! Everyone thought I was a coffee freak, getting two cups two days in a row."

I chuckled gently, the first time I'd laughed in a while. As much as Phil was getting into a lot of shit by talking to me, I couldn't help but open up to him slightly.

Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing.

We talked for a little longer, finding out more about each other, but not telling him everything or that probably wouldn't have been good.

Phil's personality kind of reminded me of Tyler's.

Oh god. Tyler.

A sudden wave of sadness rushed over me and I sunk back in the seat.

"And that day, I promised myself: I will get a dog one day. If I get a dog I think I'll name it Peter. Or if it's a girl I'll call it Susan," he babbled happily. He then looked over at me, tilting his head slightly. "Are you alright Dan?"

I sighed, my gaze returning to the floor. "Yeah," I mumbled. "I guess I just miss my friends a lot."

"Oh, why can't you see them?" Phil asked.

"I...had to move far away," I whispered. "I couldn't face them like this."  
I know I was lying, but it wasn't far off from the truth.

There was a small hesitation from Phil before he asked me the dreaded question. "How did  _you_ get here, Dan?"

I desperately hid my face under the sleeping bag before I exposed my teary eyes. "I...I don't really want to talk about it. I'm sorry."

"I-It's okay I understand," he quickly replied. "It is a hard thing to talk about, I get that."

But he didn't get it. He didn't get it at all.

There was another small silence between us, before Phil unexpectedly shuffled so that he sat right next to me, practically leaping and landing on the space next to me. My face shot up in shock, clearly not expecting that action.

"Well Dan," he beamed. "Would you like to be my friend?"

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets in pure panic. "W-What?"

"You heard me," he chuckled. "So, what do you say??"

I looked up at Phil, staring at his crystal-blue eyes. So full of hope. Happiness. Joy. I can't take that away from him. If he ever found out what I did, all of the life in his eyes would be replaced with pure betrayal.

"I-I'd love to," I whispered. "But...I can't. I can't be friends with you."

His expression changed to confused, and I instantly felt bad. "Why not? I don't understand..."

"It's not you, Phil," I said quickly. "It's just that you're such a happy person. I wouldn't want to ruin that for you. It's such a rare thing for someone to be so bright and positive like you, and I don't want to be the one to drain it out of you."

He paused, taking in what I'd just said.  
Suddenly, he started laughing. A smile cracked up on his face and giggle upon giggle came out of his body.

I stared at him in shock. "P-Phil! What's so funny?" I demanded, sucking my cheeks in and trying not to laugh with him.

He managed to compose himself slightly, and he stood up from the bench. "Dan, no one is happy on this earth," he told me. "If you were completely happy then you'd be perfect. But no one is perfect, are they?"

I was stunned by what he'd just said. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.   
He looked down at me with the same smile on his face, until I finally said something. "I just don't understand," I whispered. "You're so bright and **—** "

" **—** Dan." He leant down, making eye contact with me. I saw that the glow in his eyes had dimmed slightly, the crystal blue had almost turned murky. "You've only known me for two days. You have no idea."

I stared up at him and he held my gaze for a few more seconds before blinking and straightening up again. "Well, it was nice meeting you Dan."

He turned and started walking, and I called out to him. "P-Phil wait!"

This was for the best. I knew it was.

So why did I feel like running after him?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that we finally meet Phil and then immediately he walks out of Dan's life afterwards really amuses me to this day


	7. chapter 6

** Dan **

_Dear Diary,_   
_I've officially been living on this bench for a week now, and things haven't been going so well._

_My money is going down at a quicker rate than I expected, and I know I'll have to go around asking for jobs sooner or later._   
_I've been missing my friends more than ever, I just want to see them again._

_Maybe if I'd just told them about my dad earlier then none of this would've happened. But I left it too late, and the consequences are fucking brutal._

_Also, coffee boy (aka Phil) hasn't returned ever since that day he asked me if I wanted to be friends with him, which kinda confirms to me that he's definitely not coming back anytime soon. Eh, at least he's safe I guess._   
_Although I can't help but think I was a bit of a dick to him._

_I just don't wanna drag anyone else down, I wish I could tell him that._

I shut the book, sighing thoughtfully as I watched my breath condense in the air. It was bitter cold tonight, and my feet felt like ice blocks. I strongly envied the people who were sat at home in front of a toasty fire right now.

I could feel my body begin to grow more tired as I let out a heavy yawn, and I snuggled down in my sleeping bag. At this point, I didn't even try to hold back my tears anymore.

☾

**Phil**

_Ding ding._

I turned to the door at the familiar sound of the customer bell, and grinned at who stood there.   
"Good morning, Pj!" I sang, leaning my elbows on the counter.

"Morning Phil!" He replied, closing the door with a shiver. "It's fucking freezing out there!"

I couldn't help but feel a pang of worry when I remembered Dan. I wish I hadn't have asked him about the friend thing, maybe I'd still get to deliver him coffees.

Pj hung up his coat, looking over at me and smiling. "You ready to open the shop?"

"Go ahead," I replied, and he flipped the sign on the door to  _Open._

Honestly, working at Starbucks is the best job in the world for me. I'm obsessed with coffee for starters, but I also love working with Pj.   
Pj is one of my closest friends, and ever since he gave me this job I've never even considered quitting it or getting a different one. Without Pj I'd probably still be homeless right now, if not dead.

A regular day marched on, taking orders and making coffee. I really did love this job; my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

As I was wiping down a table, Pj approached me. "Lunch hour is coming up, would you like one coffee or two?" He smirked.

I looked down. "U-Uh, one please."

"Sure," He said, sighing. "What was that two coffee thing all about? Were you just particularly craving coffee those last few days?"

I knew that if I told Pj about Dan, then he'd tell me to go back to him. Which I guess I  _could_ do, but I wasn't convinced that Dan would be happy.

So I just shrugged. "I guess so."

He laughed at me, shaking his head. "You confuse me sometimes, Phil," he said, walking away to make my coffee.   
I let out a small chuckle, feeling a bit happier.

_Ding ding._

I quickly jogged up to the till, as no one was stood there at that moment, and swiveled round. "Hello, welcome to Starbu **—** " I stopped, my smile turning into confusion.

There he was. Dan Howell.

He looked just as startled to see me as I was to see him. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was spiraling everywhere, stubble had started to form around his upper lip and chin, and he looked so sad and... _vulnerable._

I frowned down at him. "H-Hi Dan," I mumbled, smiling gently.

He looked down at the counter. "C-Can I get a double chocolate chip frappe please?" He said solemnly.

I nodded quickly. "Of course, coming right up."

I turned to the machines to start making it, finding myself slightly nervous.  
I was debating to myself whether I should talk to him like a friend or a regular customer, and deep down I knew that the second option was probably more ideal.  
But he looked like he could do with some cheering up.

I handed him his coffee. "There you go."

He flinched violently as the steam hit his face, and he reached into his pocket to pull out a five-pound note, which he seemed a bit reluctant to give away.  
He handed it to me, but I pushed it back discreetly. "Go on. Take it for free," I whispered.

He glared up at me, pushing the money back towards my till. "No, I've had enough sympathetic bullshit from you," he muttered. "I can make a decent living without your fucking help."

"Dan, please understand, I'm not trying to act sympathetic towards you," I told him. "I was just giving you free coffee."

"Phil, please shut up, I'm not feeling well today," he snapped. "Can I talk to a manager?"

I knew that he probably felt every bad emotion at once at this moment, so I sighed and went to fetch Pj, who was chatting to a customer.

He looked up at me and smiled. "You okay? You seem a bit stressed," he asked.

That was the biggest understatement of the century. I could feel beads of sweat on the back of my neck.

"Y-Yeah I'm fine," I replied, plastering on a fake smile. "Uh, one of the customers wants to talk to the manager."

The blood drained out of my face when I realized what was happening. Dan wanted a job here.

_Shit._

Before I could stop him, Pj had rushed past me and started talking to Dan. I stood there, watching as Dan talked to him. Then Pj spoke, and I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but I made out 'I'm not sure' and 'not exactly short-staffed', which made Dan's face drop slightly.

I felt like I should say something, but I didn't want Dan to hate me even more than he did already.

Next, Dan said something that made Pj turn to me. I stood there silently, watching his expression as they continued to talk.

Had Dan mentioned me??

After another minute of watching them talk, they both had smiles on their faces and were nodding at each other. I felt my stomach knot with somewhat happiness from seeing Dan smile.

That was the first time I'd seen it properly in bloom.

For a brief moment, a grin crept up on my own face **—** until Dan was given a uniform.

He thanked Pj, and looked over at me. I gulped, expecting him to shoot me a glare **—** but instead he gave me what looked like a grateful half-smile. I wasn't sure why, it wasn't like I'd done him any favors, aside from getting him coffee.

☾

**Dan**

I was officially the biggest idiot in the universe. I didn't  _want_ to be rude to Phil, and I wish I changed my ways—but I just wasn't expecting to see him there, and you could say I was slightly taken aback.

I thought I was never gonna see him again—and then boom, he showed up coincidentally.

Also, I wasn't lying when I said I didn't feel well. I've had the worst headache throughout this week, and it's excruciating.  
At least this job now gave me a distraction, and some money for that matter.

I knew I should be nicer to Phil, especially now I was working with him. But I guess I was just scared. Scared I'll end up betraying him.

I can't keep this secret forever, I was just trying not to drag anyone else down with me.

I'd already let Tyler down. And I missed him and Louise like crazy. Throughout this whole week, they hadn't left my mind once.

"Are you crying?"

I lept out of my skin, shooting my head over to where the voice came from. Phil stood there with worry and, not surprisingly, sympathy on his face and features.

I sniffed, vigorously rubbing the tears away from my eyes. "N-No," I said defensively, but my voice was too wobbly to cover it up.

"Dan you can talk to me," he said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I don't wanna talk," I mumbled, swiping his arm away.

He didn't say anything, he just stared at me for a few seconds—before walking across the room and flipping the  _Open_ sign to  _Closed._

I raised my eyebrows at him as he came marching back triumphantly. "Phil!" I told him off. "Why did you shut the shop!? There's still half an hou—"

"—Sit down right now," he ordered, with a small smirk of amusement on his face.

I eyed him with disbelief before shaking my head and chuckling. "N-No we need to work," I stuttered, desperately trying to get out of the situation.

But Phil only went and yelled: "Shop's closing early today!" and all the staff, including Pj, just shrugged and started piling out. I watched in disbelief as everyone started to leave.

How was this even allowed??

Pj walked up to us. "Phil, is there a reason why the shop is shutting early?" He asked, surprisingly chilled out.

He simply shrugged. "Just wanna catch up with Dan for a bit."

I sighed nervously, glancing around the shop as my stomach flipped with worry.

Why was I so scared??

Pj nodded. "Well, you guys have fun!" He beamed, walking towards the exit. "Remember to lock up, Phil."

With that, Pj closed the door.  
Leaving me and Phil alone.

"Looks like we don't need to work now, eh?" Phil giggled.

I looked up at him, and I simply couldn't help smile at how much of a dork he was being.

"Now," Phil continued, and he suddenly grabbed my shoulders. My eyes nearly popped out in shock as he pushed me towards the booth and positioned me so that I was sat down. He then plonked next to me, resting his chin on his hand. "Now, let's talk."

I felt slightly shocked from the impact of my butt on the seat, but through my slightly dizzied vision I saw Phil's piercing blue eyes. It was as if they were hypnotizing me, persuading me to release my inner thoughts and feelings.

But I tore my eyes away, staring down at my feet. "Phil, I...there's some things that are better left unsaid for now," I barely whispered.

"That's okay, I'm not forcing you to tell me all your secrets," he explained. "I'm just curious. I wanna get to know you a bit more. It doesn't have to be personal. Just...talk. We haven't had a proper one yet, I think we both need one."

That's when I came to the realization that Phil was persistent, and was not giving up until he'd gotten me to open up to him. If I betray him, then that's my own fault for killing someone in the first place.

So with a sigh, I gave him an amused eyeroll. "Okay then Lester," I said, placing my elbows on the counter. "Ask away."

His face lit up, as he clearly wasn't expecting me to react that way. Slowly his smile increased, and he let out a small laugh. I couldn't help but laugh with him.

He had such a bright personality; he was the type of person that always won with their positivity.   
Deep down I knew that avoiding him was the wiser option.

But right at that moment, I just couldn't.

First he asked me what music I was in to, and I was ecstatic to find out that he also liked Muse, which we were both very excited about.  
We then went on to talk about what we like watching and, of course, I bought up anime. I was shocked to find out he'd never seen  _Attack On Titan_ before—but he'd seen  _American Horror Story_ so it was okay.  
We mainly discussed Evan Peters but we did throw in a few things about the plot too.

Well, a  _few._

We continued to ask questions until it began to get dark. Usually, this time of the day would be filled with dread, as it's the time of day to return to the bench and hope that no one has stolen my stuff. Not like there's anything interesting or valuable in my suitcase, but still, it was a possibility.

I stood up. "Well, I'd better get going now," I said, unhooking my coat from the coat hanger.

Phil rose with me. "I-It was really great to talk today, Dan," he said. "Thank you."

His expression seemed genuinely grateful, and I smiled back at him. "No problem. I'll see you tomorrow."

Before I could leave, Phil quickly side-stepped next to me. "Do you want me to walk you back?" He asked.

My brain was obviously in a 'fuck it' mood, so I just nodded. "That'd be great."

The walk back consisted of more talk about interests and stuff, there wasn't any awkwardness between us, it just felt comfortable, even when there were silences.

I arrived back at the bench, taking a seat and settling down in my sleeping bag. As I looked up, I saw a packet of what looked like cookies which Phil handed to me. "Little something to celebrate your new job."

I smiled up at him. "You didn't need to do that," I said, but reached out to take them.

Only this time, I forgot to use my uninjured hand. As I took the bag, Phil's eyes flickered down to my bandaged hand, a frown emerging on his face.

_Damnit, I'd done so well at hiding it until now_ I thought, mentally slapping myself.

Before I could swipe my hand back into the sleeping bag, he took it in his to inspect it. I winced from the pain and memories came flashing back of dad's insanely tight grip, and suddenly Phil's gentle touch felt like a giant Venus Flytrap.

"P-Phil let go," I panicked, in which he released my hand quickly and I hid it back in my sleeping bag.

The curiosity, unfortunately, didn't leave his face.

I sighed, trying to put together a lie. But before I could, Phil interrupted me. "You don't have to tell me everything Dan," he said simply. "But I'm here if you need me either way."

I stared up at him, feeling tears start to tickle the backs of my eyeballs. The betrayal was already building up with every lie I fed him, and every question I left unanswered. I wish I'd have never met him, at least he'd be spared of all my bullshit.

He smiled down at me with not sympathy, but care. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Dan," he said, his breath condensing in the cold wind.

"Bye Phil. And thank you."

"Why are you thanking me?" He chuckled.

I paused, my breath catching in my throat for a second, before telling the truth for once. "I don't know. I just feel like I should be thanking you."

He stood there for a few moments, as he slid both his hands in his pockets. "Well, until you figure it out, then, you're welcome."

We said bye once more before he walked through the busy crowd of Christmas shoppers.

I huddled down, taking the cookie out of the packet. It was a cinnamon swirl, still letting off a light bit of warmth in my cold hands.  
I took a bite, letting the flavor overtake my mouth. As I did, two fat tears trickled down my face and I smiled gently.

That was the first day where I forgot about everything. The murder, the escape, everything. It all just flew out of my mind and I got my first peaceful sleep that I'd craved for so long.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s o f t


	8. chapter 7

**One month later...**

**Dan**

The second I opened the door, before I could even hear the bell chime, I was attacked by a hurtling force that almost knocked me over. I laughed, immediately sussing out an exciteable Phil, who'd then started shaking me by the shoulders.

"It's the first of December!" He gabbled. "It's nearly Christmas!"

Pj ran up to Phil and I, giving me a pained yet amused expression. "He hasn't stopped going on about it all morning," he said, and I raised my eyebrow.

Phil looked back at me. "What?" He shrugged. "The first of December is the date that you're officially allowed to be excited for Christmas without the "it's too early" reply."

"That's bullshit, you've been excited for Christmas since August," Pj replied, and Phil playfully shoved him.

Today was going to be a good day, I could feel it tingling in my whole body.

We opened the shop and got on with our day as usual, and I did the honours of writing up the Christmas Starbucks specials on the festive chalkboard (which was 100% Phil's idea) and lots of people ordered the festive options.  
It was fun to make new coffees and try new things, and Pj even let the staff have a free cookie from the displays.  
I chose the steamy cinnamon roll, as I'd become pretty fond of them recently.  
And it was also festive appropriate, which was a cheeky bonus.

Phil and I sat at the empty table by the window with our cookies (Phil got the gingerbread man covered in sprinkles).

"I would like to propose a cookie toast," Phil announced.

I facepalmed, chuckling gently. "Cookie toast. Just wow."

He giggled, raising his cookie. "Here's to the Christmas countdown!"

"Do I seriously have to clink my cookie with yours?" I laughed, raising my eyebrows.

"Of course!"

"Ugh fine, to the Christmas countdown."

Our cookies touched and we devoured it, laughing hysterically between mouthfuls.  
What weird people we'd become over the time period of one and a half months.

_Ding ding._

I put my cookie down, quickly standing up and brushing the crumbs off my lap. "I'll quickly go and serve that customer," I said, before rushing to the counter and looking up. "Hello and welcome to Starbucks, would you like to try our—"

My face went white and my smile immediately dropped when I saw the just as shocked human in front of me.

"D-Dan, is that you?" He stuttered, tears filling his glassy eyes.

I stood there for a few seconds, not knowing what to say. My mouth kept opening and closing as if I were some weird fish.

"Tyler...w-what are you doing here?" Were the words I just about managed to form.

"I could say the same thing about you," he mumbled quietly.

We decided to take this outside, as to not draw in anyone's attention. Once we were outside, I took some time to take him in.

It was definitely him. His glasses, his light hair, it was all so painfully familiar.

Before we even said anything, we collapsed into the tightest embrace ever, lingering there for at least a minute to make up for all that time not seeing each other.

As much as I wanted to stay like this forever and have a lengthy conversation with him, I knew that this wasn't right.

I gently pulled away. "Tyler, listen to me," I whispered. "You can't be here."

He looked down, smiling gently. "I had no idea you'd be here."

His dorky smile made my stomach erupt with butterflies. I hated to do this to him, I wanted him to stay.

"I-I've missed you so much," I mumbled, trying to keep my voice down. "but please don't come back here."

His gaze returned to my eyes, which were full of hurt. "Why?"

"Because I don't want you getting in trouble," I said simply. "I want nothing more than to hang out again, but we can't. I'm sorry."

"But it's been so long, s-surely there's something we can—"

"—No," I said firmly, my voice cracking slightly. "Please understand that I don't want you to get hurt. I wish I could find a way, but right now there isn't. Simply being here is a bad idea. Y-You need to go. Until this situation is resolved, I'm not coming back into your lives."

He held my gaze before tears began rolling down his cheeks. "D-Dan, I don't wanna say goodbye, I can't," he choked. "You mean too much to me."

I sighed, resting my forehead on his. "I don't want to do this either," I sniffled. "But we both have to stay strong in this. My actions resulted in a murder. Once Dad is found, then that's it. I need to hide Tyler, do you understand?"

He rubbed his eyes, and nodded. "Oh Dan," he wept. "I'm gonna miss you so much. Good luck."

"Good luck to you too," I whispered shakily, and pulled him into one final hug. I buried my nose into his shoulder, breathing in his scent one last time before reluctantly letting go.

Before Tyler left, he did something unexpected. He placed a small, gentle kiss on my lips, causing the tears to finally fall from my eyes.

I really didn't wanna say goodbye. They were the most painful things to ever exist: goodbyes.

He pulled away slowly, whispering one last goodbye in my ear, and running off into the bustling streets. I watched him leave, and the moment he disappeared into the people, my whole world felt like it was crumbling around me.

That was it. He was gone forever. I wasn't ever gunna see him again.

I walked back into the shop, holding back my tears as I walked back to the table that Phil and I sat at.

He saw me and beamed. "Hi Dan! You have no idea how difficult it was to not eat your cookie," he chuckled as I sat down.

I plastered on a smile, even though I had obvious tear stains on my face and new ones developing.

"Where were you anyway? I saw you leaving with a customer, did you know him?" He asked.

I went to reply, but I suddenly realized that if I said anything I would break down crying. So I looked down at my cookie, which was slowly losing its steam.

Phil tilted his head to the side, trying to look up at me. "Dan? What's the matter?" He asked in a soft tone. "Did something—"

"—I'm sorry Phil I can't do this," I mumbled, and rushed out of my chair and raced out of the shop.

I ran through the streets, shoving past anyone who was in the way.  
I just wanted to go home—but what even  _was_ home? My dad's house never was a home, but neither is this stupid bench in the middle of the pathway. All this time have I just been suspended in mid-air??

Have I been homeless all my life??

I turned the corner, racing towards the bench and wriggling into my sleeping bag as soon as I reached it.  
I sat down, burying my head in my sleeping bag and finally sobbing my heart out. They were the shakiest, loud cries I think I've ever done. The freezing air was rattling my bones as I failed miserably to keep warm.

I cried for what felt like hours until my body began to get tired. But I didn't go to sleep, nor did I stay awake. I suspended myself in a world of nothingness, entranced in the artificial atmosphere around me.   
Here I was again. The same darkness that I've been in countless times before...but I somehow felt an overwhelming sense of belonging. If I stay here, my mind is at peace.

I let the darkness overtake my polluted mind even more—when I was suddenly pulled out of it. My eyes scattered around, seeing nothing but blurred lights and muffled voices. It felt like I was underwater, but someone was carrying me. It felt like I was floating.

Gradually, my mind cleared, and I was pulled back into reality. But before I could contemplate what'd happened, my eyes immediately drooped and my body weight sank into the arms of whoever was carrying me.

I was so tired and confused, yet suddenly upset.

I let out a whimper laced with both exhaustion and sadness, when the person who carried me interrupted.

"Sleep, Dan."

I recognized the voice as Phil, and felt kind of annoyed at him for disrupting my peace. But the exhaustion left me too tired to even function, so I simply rested my head against his chest and closed my eyes.

The peaceful darkness didn't come back, but I was instead propelled into the usual, uncomfortable, disruptive atmosphere, where nightmares lurked the deeper I fell.

☾

** Phil **

The train jolted gently as I watched Dan from across the small table as he slept. His head was rested against the window, giving off a light reflection of his face on the glass.   
Despite the fact that he already wore a coat, I'd draped my own coat across his body in an attempt to keep him as warm as possible.

He was even shivering in his sleep at one point, and I wasn't surprised from the weather conditions.

I just couldn't take it anymore. Watching him just completely blank out like that...it gave me chills just to think about it.

He almost looked... _dead._

I couldn't have just left him there on that bench in early December. Every time I walked home from work, or got into bed, an overwhelming sense of guilt would take over my mind when I remembered Dan, and how cold he must be on that bench out there alone.

Well, today I gave in to the guilt.

Eventually, the train got to my stop. I rose from my seat, stepping out of my row and walking over to pick up Dan again.  
But before I could lift him, he stirred in his sleep and his eyes fluttered open.

"Crap, I didn't mean to wake you," I whispered, cursing myself mentally.

"P-Phil?" He mumbled, rubbing his eyes and yawning. "W-What's going on?"

"You're coming home with me, it's freezing tonight," I explained to him through his sleepy haze.

He almost instantly woke up, a small panic appearing present on his face. "N-No Phil, y-you don't have to sympathi **—** "

" **—** I'm not doing this out of sympathy, Dan," I said firmly, eager to make my point clear to him. "I'm doing this because I care."

He looked up at me, a glint of something flickering in his eyes. I couldn't figure out what they were emitting, though.

I somehow knew that I'd remember that small glint.

I pulled my gaze away from his, quickly patting his shoulder. "Come on, we're gunna miss our stop."

He opened his mouth to protest, but seemed stumped on how to reply. So, he simply said: "Fine," and we both quickly rushed off the train.

As we stepped out, I could see small sprinkles of snow delicately landing on the ground and melting away. I couldn't help but smile.  
I've always loved snow, even though it's cold.

Dan slipped his hands into the pockets of his coat, exhaling a breath that quickly condensed into the winter air. "Jesus," Dan shivered as a cold gust of wind cut right through both of us. "Are you sure it's okay for me to stay over? I feel kind of bad..."

"Of course I'm sure," I said, giving him a half-smile. "You're welcome for as long as you like, Dan."

His gaze quickly turned to the slushy, snowy ground. "Thank you, Phil."

As we walked out of the station and on to the pathway, I noticed that the light was starting to dim as the moon crept up behind the trees.

It felt strange taking the normal route back home with someone. I really did hope Dan felt comfortable at my place.

We turned the corner, and started walking down the path leading to my house. I sneakily glanced over at him, smiling at his hopeful face. It'd probably felt like years since he'd stepped inside a house.

I approached the front door and opened it, stepping inside and turning back to Dan.  
He looked kind of skeptical, and there it was again. The glint. The flashing in his eyes. It kind of looked like he'd remembered something of importance.

"Dan?" I whispered.

Almost immediately he snapped out of it and quickly put on a smile. "S-Sorry," he chuckled, walking in as I closed the door behind him.

"Would you like a drink?"

"Just water please," he replied, gazing around at the hallway with a small half-smile playing on his lips. I hung up both of our coats and led him into the kitchen.

I picked up two mugs, placing them on the counter. "Are you sure you don't want any tea?" I asked, turning to him. "I have loads of different flavors, it isn't only PG tips." I chuckled gently, but his face turned panicky again.

The remembrance filled his eyes, along with held-back tears. "N-No I'm fine thanks," he answered, his voice wobbling. "C-Can I use your toilet p-please?"

"Yeah sure, it's just down the hallway and to the right," I told him with concern laced in my voice.

Dan didn't hesitate to sprint down that hallway like his life depended on it.

There's so many things I don't know about Dan, and it pains me. Because I don't know what's causing him to have constant breakdowns like these, and I want to help him. At the end of the day, it was probably just because he was overwhelmed to be back in a house again **—** but something deep down screamed at me that it was something  _more_ than just that.

I ran both the waters and placed them back down, sighing as I thought about what to do. Eventually I just decided to try and talk to him.  
I crept down the hallway, hearing Dan's small sniffles becoming more apparent to my ears as I got closer to the toilet door.

I leant against the door, knocking on it gently. "Dan?" I whispered. "Can I come in? Please?"

There was about a five second pause, before he finally gave in. He unlocked the door, and I slowly opened it.   
My heart broke at the sight I saw.

He was sat up against the wall, with red puffy eyes from where he'd been crying, and his lip was wobbling as he suppressed another sob.

I leant down, looking up at him with a sad smile. "D'you need a hug?" I asked.

He met my eyes, communicating his response mentally. I bent over, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close.  
At that moment, he exploded into hysterical sobbing, in which my heartstrings were abruptly tugged at.

I rubbed his back. "It's okay, let it out."

I always found that holding back crying for a long time makes it ten times worse. When you get it out of your system, you don't exactly feel  _better..._ but refreshed. A very small amount of positivity shines through. That's what Dan needed more than anything right now.

Dan spent a good ten minutes crying until the hysterics turned into small, muffled sniffles.

I gently pulled away. "Dan, whatever's going on, it'll be okay," I told him as he vigorously rubbed his eyes.

He let out a small laugh that emitted no humour. "Wow, I'm so sorry for my wimpiness," he mumbled, shaking his head.

"You're not a wimp for crying, everyone needs to cry sometimes," I explained.

"No I am," he said firmly. "If I wasn't such a wimp t-then I wouldn't have had to betray all my friends."

I shuffled so that I sat next to him on the floor. "Well, what do you mean by that? How did you betray them?" I asked him.

When I first met Dan on the bench, I asked him about things too quickly **—** but now I knew him more, I was determined to take things slow this time.  
Hopefully, he'll open up more as things go on.

He sniffed sharply, wiping the excess liquid in his eyes. "Because I got them twisted up in my problems. And I had to leave them."

I made a mental note of that in my brain and continued. "Is that why you were upset today? Because you saw your friend?"

He nodded slowly, and kind of carefully.

That was the first step.

I tried to push it a little bit more. "What...problems did they get twisted up in, Dan?"

"I...I'd rather not talk about it, I'm sorry Phil," he explained, and I nodded in understanding. Whatever it was, I knew it was a hard topic, and I respected his privacy. But what he'd just told me was enough to deduct one thing.

"Was this why you didn't wanna be my friend? Because you're scared you'll...betray me?"

He hesitated, then looked up at me with his glistening eyes. "Y-Yes, yes it is," he whispered. "I knew I needed to get away from you, but it was already too late."

I stared at him for a moment, then smiled lightly. "Even if you did betray me, I'm not going to leave, Dan," I told him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to suffer in silence. Just think of me as your own personal therapist."

Dan raised his eyebrow, a small smile of amusement playing on his lips. Which caused me to let out a small giggle, quite embarrassingly.

"What?" He said with a frown and a smile.

"I'm not sure," I replied. "I'm just...glad you smiled."

We spent the rest of the evening just talking normally on that same bathroom floor, until I noticed Dan's eyes begin to tire.  
I stood up. "Shall I take you up to the spare room?" I offered, and he nodded sleepily.

He followed me up the stairs and walked down the hallway until we reached the spare bedroom. I rarely had guests, so it'd been a while since I'd come in here.

"Sorry it's a bit small," I chuckled as he looked around.

He immediately shook his head. "When you've been living on a bench for just over a month, a small dungeon with a metal bed is like a luxury."

We laughed genuinely, and positive energy released into the air.

"We'll grab your stuff on the way to work," I explained. "but until then you can use my stuff."

He took a moment to laugh in what seemed like disbelief. "Honestly, this is like a crazy miracle," he barely whispered, and met my eyes with his. "Thank you, Phil. I really mean that."

I was desperately trying not to Cheshire-grin but it was already beginning to form on my face. "It's no problem at all, Dan," I replied. "Well, I hope you have a goodnight's sleep."

"I will. Goodnight, Phil."

I pulled the door to, as I slowly closed it. "Goodnight, Dan."

And with that, I went back to my room feeling satisfied.

There were still many gaps in the answer, but the first step of forming it has now begun.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can remember writing this in June 2018 wishing it was Christmas-and now it's 2019. What happened to the time.


	9. chapter 8

** Dan **

_Dear Diary,_   
_I'm not too sure why I'm still writing in this. This book was more of a coping mechanism for when my dad was alive._   
_Heh, it's kind of weird. Now that he's gone, I have more problems than I did when he was alive._

_Despite all this, there's Phil._ _I'd probably be dead soon if it weren't for him. He basically saved my life._

_But...he's too caring. I may have opened up to him slightly_ — _but that's in no means a good thing._  
 _I'm gonna be more careful from now on. He can't find out what I've done. Not now, not yet, not ever._

I hesitated, before shutting the book and quickly sliding it under the bed.  
I wasn't sure why I was so scared of betraying Phil. It's just...he kind of reminds me of my friends, personality wise. Which makes me feel insanely guilty, because it's almost as if Phil is the only thing keeping me in mental contact with my friends...

I stared up at the ceiling, contemplating my options. I could leave, but I'd have nowhere else to go but that bench, as I ended up getting the same job as Phil did.

There's just no escape from this man, is there?

I felt tears start to form in my eyes.   
No doubt Phil is a miracle **—** but at the end of the day, he's just another one of my friends who's just going to be scarred for the rest of their lives.  
I don't even want to imagine how Louise is gonna react when she finds out. She'll just be so... _disappointed._

I slowly felt my eyes glaze over as I slipped into the same darkness that I did yesterday. I was used to this by now, after living with my dad for so long I fell into these loops a lot.

The black smoke around me expanded until my vision and hearing was completely blanked. For a few moments it felt comforting. This is the only place I truly felt at home; the place where I actually belonged somewhere. It didn't make me so counted out from everything.

Completely unexpectedly, I was propelled into it. Deeper than I'd ever gone before. All my senses returned, but I was still in the same, endless darkness. All I could see beyond me was even more darkness, and I suddenly felt scared.  
I wanted to scream, but I felt too isolated. Like I already knew I was alone, and that there was no point.

I could feel myself plunging deeper into the dark abyss, and I didn't try to struggle. I wanted to struggle, but I just couldn't.

"Dan?"

An ambient voice of hope sang into my eardrums, causing me to abruptly bounce, plunging out of the darkness and back into reality. My eyes darted around, seeing nothing but a blur as it slowly cleared up.

I groaned gently, rubbing my eyes to get the sleep out of my eyes. I felt like I'd just been dunked in and out of murky water ten times before being slapped consecutively in the face.

"Dan!"

At that moment my eyes snapped open and my vision un-blurred.   
Phil stood over me, worry clearly present on his face as he frowned down at me.

I inhaled sharply. "Oh god," I mumbled, massaging my temples. "I'm s-sorry, did I oversleep?"

He stood up straight, in thought for a moment. He looked like he was about to say something, but he quickly stopped himself and replaced it with a chuckle. "'Course not," he assured me as I sat up. "I've called in sick for both of us today."

My eyes nearly popped out. "What!? Phil I can't afford to miss any days of work, I—"

He interrupted me with a shush. "Calm down, Pj is a really understanding guy, it'll be okay," he told me. "I just feel like we both need a day to refresh ourselves, and I'm sure you can agree."

I hesitated, but then sighed in defeat. "I...I guess so—"

"—That's that then!" He declared, running out of the room excitedly.

I internally groaned, falling back against the pillow. Pj may have been nice, but he wasn't gunna let me off. Every day that I stay off is money subtracted, and I can't risk losing a penny.

Phil skipped back into the room, holding a pile of clothes, a toothbrush, and various other toiletries. He placed them on the end of my bed. "Here's all the things you'll need!" He babbled as quickly as he could so that I definitely couldn't interrupt him. "Oh, and feel free to use the shower!"

"Phil wait—"

But he skipped out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Jesus Christ.

At that moment I just gave up trying to get out of the situation and slithered out of bed. I decided to get straight into the shower, as I hadn't had one in quite a while.

I walked into the bathroom, stripping down. As I did, my breathing caught in my throat.  
I looked down at my body.

Bruises and scalds covered my pale skin, and the sight made me cringe. I could remember how I earned every mark. The massive bruise on my knee was from when I was pushed down the stairs and my knee was thumping against the banister the whole time.  
The scald on my leg was from when he poured burning hot water on me and he was too crazed to stop.

And my hand...

I looked down at my bandaged hand, which was slowly peeling away from my skin. Slowly, I began to remove the bandage away, and I let out a shaky sigh. A huge, red blotch covered my milky skin, and memories flashed in my mind.

I suddenly felt like I was being watched.

I shook it off, stepping into the shower and quickly turning on the water. I turned the knob so that it was on a cool setting, and I gradually felt my body begin to relax.

It'd been so long since I'd felt the familiar touch of shower water. I suddenly felt closer to home, wherever home may be.   
That may take a bit more time to figure out.

I leant down to grab the shampoo bottle, but I slipped and knocked my shoulder into the knob, accidentally knocking it into the hot setting.  
I hurriedly reached out to turn it back, but just before I put it back on a normal setting, it came.

A scorching, steaming, magma-like liquid plummeted onto my body, triggering all the bruises, burns, and marks on my body. I slapped my hand against my mouth to muffle the scream that uncontrollably projected from my lungs. It was merely a second, but it felt like forever until the cold water rushed back.

"Tea, son?"

My head snapped around, but saw nothing but steam billowing around me as the cold water soothed my tingling body.

At that moment, I knew what was happening.

He was haunting me.  
He was back for  _revenge._

☾

** Phil **

I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, and I quickly placed his breakfast on the table. He walked through the door, dark circles hanging off his eyes and a sheet of paleness tinting his face.

I gave him a smile. "Morning, Dan," I chirped.

"Morning," he replied, smiling back weakly. He looked down at the freshly-made pancakes. "You didn't have to make me breakfast."

"Yes I did," I giggled, sitting at the table. "Come."

He timidly walked over, taking a seat in front of his food. "T-Thank you," He said as he picked up his knife and fork.

"No problem," I replied. "So, where do you like going? Are there any places that you wanna go today?"

He hesitated, swallowing part of his food. "I—I went to this milkshake place once with my friends," he told me. "They'd blend a chocolate of your choice into a 'shake, they always tasted really good. I think the place was called Shakeaway _._ "

I mentally cheered as I knew that I lived near one. "Yeah, we can go there," I beamed. "There's one in town."

He looked up hopefully, a small smile flickering on his lips. "R-Really?"

I nodded, and he let out a gentle chuckle. "It's been a while since I've been there," he barely whispered. "That'll be nice."

Once Dan had finished his breakfast, we left the house and started walking into town. I could feel excitement rise inside me, and I wasn't so sure why. I just felt so excited to take him around town; take a break.

We turned the corner to Shakeaway, and Dan's face lit up like a lantern as it came into view. I smiled at his reaction as we went through the entrance.

After a long time pondering on what to choose, Dan went with a blended Ferrero Rocher shake, and I went with a blended Reeses shake.  
I could already taste the sugar in my mouth as we waited for them.

It wasn't long until our orders were placed on the counter. Dan's eyes widened and I laughed at the expression on his face as we both took our drinks and payed.  
We took a step outside and I smiled up at the sky, which was filled with a wide array of fluffy, light-grey clouds.

Cloudy days are my favourite days.

"Okay Dan," I declared, turning to him. "Shall we take the first sip of—"  
But I had to stop and stare in amazement as Dan had consumed nearly half of it already.

He looked up at me, pausing his intense guzzling for a second. "What was that you were saying?" He giggled.

I cracked up laughing. "You're strange," I said as we walked along, and I playfully nudged him. "A good type of strange though."

"I'm flattered," he chuckled lightly, and I noticed a pink glow dust his cheeks for a few seconds.

We spent the rest of the day wandering around the shops, and I bought Dan lots of new clothes so that he didn't have to keep using mine. Whenever he'd protest at me for spending money on him, I'd just zip his coat all the way up so that his face was hidden. Every time I did it, I'd laugh my ass off, earning a lot of weird stares from people around me.

We walked out of  _Marks & Spencer's, _heaving the bags behind us.  
"You really shouldn't have bought all that stuff, Phil," Dan huffed. "I saw the price on that screen, don't think that I didn't."

"Well it's too late now," I said, giving him a smug smile. That earned me another playful shove.   
I looked up at the sky. "Do you wanna head back? It's starting to get dark," I asked him as we slowly walked across the pavement.

"Sure," he replied. "We could watch the box-set you bought earlier?"

"Sounds like a plan!"

It was as we were trekking back that I realised how beautiful the sky looked. The last few sun rays were seeping out through the gaps in the clouds, giving the dim atmosphere a small burst of pinky-orange colours.

The world may be ugly, but the sky certainly isn't.

I unlocked the door and we both hurriedly stepped inside, collapsing the bags to the floor and breathing a heavy sigh of relief.  
As Dan quickly raced upstairs to get into his new pajamas, I set up the box-set. I found out that we both liked the TV series  _Miranda,_ in which I just had to buy the set.

I quickly got changed and prepared the snacks just in time for Dan to come back down.  
He wore an oversized, fluffy black jumper with black trousers that had glow-in-the-dark stars printed on them. His brown curls caressed his forehead and he gave me a soft smile.

My heart fluttered slightly, and I smiled back at him. He'd managed to make black seem like a pastel colour from the softness he gave off.

"U-Uh, you ready?" I asked, cringing at the obvious stutter.

"Yeah," he replied, nodding timidly.

We settled down on the sofa, a popcorn bowl wedged in between us as we watched and snacked away.  
I forgot how funny and relatable that show was, Dan and I laughed so hard that we went into a coughing fit.  
Which resulted in even more laughter.

We were halfway through episode 2, when I turned to him. "Dan, can I ask you something?"

He turned his gaze to me, his mouth full of popcorn. "Yeah what?"

I chuckled lightly as he swallowed his food. He looked like a hamster.

Once he'd swallowed it all, I continued. "What did you want to be growing up?" I asked out of curiosity.

He exhaled deeply, resting his head on the back of the couch. "It sounds stupid and impossible," he started. "but ever since I was a boy, I've wanted to be a musician."

I sat up slightly as Dan captured my interest. "Really? That's so cool!" I exclaimed. "What did you play?"

"I sang a lot, sometimes I played piano and guitar with the song," he told me. I saw the recollection flash in his eyes as he eagerly told me about his dreams. I saw the passion radiating off of him as he talked about all the childhood memories with his friends.

"Louise and Tyler were so supportive with it all, they always told me that it was never impossible to reach your dreams," he said, a small smile of remembrance appearing on his features.

Then, his expression changed. His smile quickly faded into a dark frown. "It's too late now though..."

My eyebrows furrowed, and I propped myself up with my elbow. "What do you mean?"

That's when he realised what he was saying and he quickly shook his head. "I-It's nothing. I just stopped doing it, that's all."

I didn't press on; I'd obviously hit another sensitive topic. I knew I needed to be patient.

I shuffled closer to him, moving the popcorn bowl away. "Well your friends are right," I said. "Nothing's impossible if you truly believe in it. So never think that things are too late, okay? You've got plenty of time still, this is not the end."

There was a pause before his eyes started glistening with tears. "Phil...why did you buy me coffee that day?" He barely whispered.

I took a moment to think.  
Why  _did_ I buy him coffee? Well, it was quite simple. But to put it in a way that didn't sound ridiculously cheesy was hard to think of from even the depths of my brain.  
So I searched the depths of my heart, which enabled me to put it into words.

I placed my hand atop of his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Because something just told me that I would end up caring about you a lot."

It still sounded cheesy, I came to realize. But maybe that was okay.

Maybe it's the best way to express things.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This made me feel warm


	10. chapter 9

** Dan **

I was awoken suddenly by someone shaking me incredibly fiercely. Once I'd actually woken up a bit, I fully identified that it was the return of excitable Phil.

"Dan! Dan! Dan! Wake up!" He repeated loudly.

I groaned, swatting my hands at him. "Phil can you not," I grumbled, which was followed by a mischievous giggle from him that sounded like Satan himself.

I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes. "What's going on?" I muttered. I realized I was still on the couch, and had a woolly, pink blanket draped over me.   
I must've fallen asleep whilst watching  _Miranda._

"First of all we're late for work," he began. "Second and most important of all, I found my old guitar in my attic!"

I immediately stood up, entering panic mode. "Phil I'm pretty sure being late for work is more important than a guitar," I stated firmly.

"I know," he replied, dragging out the 'o'. "But it's still important! You can fulfill your musician dreams!"

I raised my eyebrows at him, a loud chortle following the action. "Phil that's a fantasy, I haven't even played guitar in years!" I exclaimed, shaking my head at him in amusement. "Now come on, we're late for work."

Phil looked very eager to press on with the subject, but even he knew that we needed to hurry the fuck up.  
After manically rushing around the house like our pants were on fire, we managed to make it out of the house with time to spare **—** in which I was incredibly proud of that particular achievement.

We were halfway through the route to the train station, when Phil stopped walking.  
I turned to him, and he looked incredibly uneasy about something. He stood there stiffly, furrowing his eyebrows in deep thought.

"Phil?" I tilted my head at his thoughtful face. "What's wrong?"

He hesitated, then connected his eyes with mine. "I want you to take my hand for a minute."

I looked at him with confusion clearly present on my face. "Uhm...why?" I asked, scratching the back of my neck.

"Just take it. I need to show you something," he replied, holding out his hand.

I stared down at it with a frown and flickered back to his face. "Phil we're already late for work, we don't have time for games," I sighed.

"No, this is important," he declared, and grabbed my hand before I could continue arguing. I was taken aback as he gently but eagerly tugged my hand so that I stood right next to him, and I suddenly felt curious on what exactly he wanted to show me.

We were stood beside a dark alleyway, with a sign that was barely readable through all the graffiti thickly coating it.

The sign read:  _Angel Alley._

Phil turned and faced the direction of the alleyway, and his grip on my hand tightened. "Stay close to me, okay?" He whispered in my ear.

I nodded in response, feeling heat rise onto my cheeks. "O-Okay," I stammered in a quiet, intimidated tone.

Why was he taking me down an ironically-named alleyway? It didn't exactly look appealing.

We started walking through Angel Alley _,_ in which I seemed to press more up against Phil as it got darker and deeper. I could sense that he was scared too; I could see the beads of sweat forming on his face.  
So this must mean something, but  _what_  exactly?

Just at that moment, people came into view. Three sketchy-looking men stood in their "gang", inhaling a cigarette or chugging alcohol, and I felt like throwing up just at the mere sighting of them.

One of them caught my eye, causing me to panic and avert my eyes and focus on my feet moving backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards...

"What are you two gaylords doing down here?" One of them slurred, in which I clutched Phil's hands in fear.  
We continued walking past, completely blanking them as they watched us walk down the alleyway.   
They didn't yell anything else at us, but their stares were enough for me to be on the verge of shitting myself.

Eventually, the literal light at the end of the tunnel came into view and we stepped out of Angel Alley _._  
I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding, and frowned up at Phil with anger. "What the actual fuck, Phil!?" I exclaimed. "Why did we—"

I stopped talking, becoming aware of my surroundings. We were...at the train station already?  
Was this a shortcut?

"That was a warning of what not to do," he said gravely. "They're very dangerous guys. They've most likely killed people before."

I flinched at the comment, desperately heaving thoughts of my dad to the back of my mind at that moment as Phil continued. "I know this is a really quick shortcut but please,  _never_ venture down there. You probably won't ever make it out of there again."

I chuckled. "I'd much rather be late for work than set foot in that place ever again."

"Good. They're trouble, don't get involved."

After a few seconds of catching our breaths, I felt my face heat up more and more until it felt like steam was coming out of my ears. "P-Phil," I stuttered.

"Yeah Dan?" He asked.

"Y-You can let go of my hand now."

He looked down at my hand, which was tightly wrapped around in his. He quickly pulled his hand away, coughing awkwardly. "Let's go, we're gunna miss the train."

☾

"You  _what?!"_ Pj yelled, drawing literally all the customers' attention. I vigorously flailed my hands as a very obvious 'be quiet' motion. He apologetically smiled at all the people staring, but immediately turned back to me and spoke in a much more hushed tone. "You seriously went down  _Angel Alley?_ "

"Yes!" I whisper-shouted.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered with a shake of his head. "I would've shit my pants if I went down there."

"I very nearly did," I admitted with a laugh as I wiped down the counter surface.

"So who's idea was that? Phil's?" Pj questioned in utter awe.

"I promise, it was definitely his idea not mine," I assured him.

He sighed in bewilderment. "Wow, he went down Angel Alleyjust so he could warn you of that place," he muttered. "He obviously cares about you a lot."

I sighed, placing down the cloth and looking down at my reflection in the table.

I could stop thinking about what he'd said yesterday. What exactly did he mean by that though? He couldn't have immediately seen me as someone he cares about just from one look, that was ridiculous.

Whatever it was that he meant by that, it still made me smile. "I guess so," I answered Pj, and we continued with our jobs.

☾

That night, Phil looked kind of down during an exciting episode of  _Breaking Bad._ His eyes had kind of drifted off, which doesn't usually happen when watching things.

I turned down the volume, tapping his shoulder. "Hey," I said softly. "What's up?"

He looked over at me, giving me one of those nose-crinkle smiles. "It's nothing, I'm just overthinking things."

"What things?" I asked, shifting so that I was cross-legged and facing him.  
Now was my chance to help him out when  _his_ thoughts were away with the clouds.

He exhaled through his nose slowly, before opening his mouth. "It's just...I'm starting to get used to having company in the house, and I'm really loving it. And I know you don't want to stay here for long, but...can you at least stay for Christmas?"

I tilted my head at him in confusion. "What makes you think I don't wanna stay here?" I wondered out loud.  
In reality, I never wanted to leave this place. But deep down I knew that I can't stay here for too much longer.

He sighed. "Because I know I ask too many personal questions, and I'm pretty annoying. I don't mean to be curious I swear, I'm just so desperate to be your friend and—"

I silenced him by tackling him in to a hug. I was very much determined to prevent Phil from turning into me. If I was already starting to pollute his mind then I obviously needed to try a new method.  
There's no point in sulking about my situation if it's gunna make Phil miserable.

He stiffened in shock, but then relaxed and let out a stunned laugh.

"Phil Lester, don't even start," I told him. "You may be annoying sometimes but that is not a bad thing."

"I'm taking that as a compliment," he said.

"Good, that was my intention," I replied with a nod, causing us to laugh happily.

I didn't really think through what I was about to say, but my brain was in yet another 'fuck it' mood. "About what you said last night..." I started with a gulp, proceeding to look up at him so that my chin gently rested on his chest. "...I care about you too."

From his reaction to that sentence—a blinding smile—I realised that I didn't regret saying that at all.  
His hand moved so that it rested on my curls, and I felt my hair as it was slowly twirled around his finger. My face was beyond a tomato by this point, so I quickly resorted to resting my cheek on his chest in desperate hopes to hide them. I felt Phil's chest vibrating as he suppressed a laugh, which earned him a poke in the ribs.

Unfortunately despite all this, the thoughts that I'd heaved to the back of my mind today still screamed at me.

They were faint, but they still very much remained.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be longer and more eventful I promise


	11. chapter 10

** Dan **

I hissed as the bandage slowly peeled off of my skin. The blotchy-red had thankfully began to get better, but it still hurt like hell.  
I ran it under the cold tap, being careful not to accidentally turn on the heat like I did in the shower a few weeks ago.

I'd been at Phil's for a while now, and it was beginning to get closer to Christmas. The lights had finally gone up, making the setting even more aesthetic than it already was, and the Christmas shoppers in Covent Garden are getting a bit more manic now.  
Which meant more customers, and that was very much a good thing.

I hadn't bought Christmas presents yet, which I made a mental note of doing sometime soon.

I re-bandaged my hand and walked out of the bathroom, forcing a smile on my face. The weekend had come around again, which meant another day of watching anime with Phil.  
I jogged down the stairs to see Phil on the phone to somebody. I peeked around the door to listen to what he was saying.

"Okay. So what time do we arrive at yours?...Alright, sounds good!...Dan? Oh I'm sure he'll be fine with it."

I internally gulped.

If its exercising of any sort then no, I'm not very fine.

"...Okay. See you then! Bye!"

The moment he placed the phone down, I stepped into the kitchen. "Who was that on the phone?" I asked, making Phil jump at my sudden appearance out of nowhere.

"Morning Dan," he laughed. "That was just Pj. He's throwing a Christmas party thing at his place this afternoon, which I'm not particularly looking forward to admittedly, I'm not a party person."

"Neither am I," I snickered. "Me trying to casually dance is like a BTS music video gone horribly wrong."

Phil guffawed loudly as he turned to the kitchen counter to make a start on breakfast. "Well, we'll need a lot of fuel for today," he stated, strolling over to the cupboard. "so I feel like we should go all-in and have a cooked breakfast."

My stomach twisted in the excitement at the suggestion. Louise's mum always made the best cooked breakfasts.

The screaming in the back of my mind unwantedly returned.

_You betrayed Louise._

_You betrayed all your friends._

My dad's haunting voice tingled down my spine, so I knew I needed to distract myself. "Can I help out with anything?" I asked Phil.

"Could you chop the tomatoes and mushrooms please?" He asked, pointing over to the fridge. "They're in the fridge somewhere. All of the cutlery is in that drawer just to the right."

I gave him a nod. "Thanks."

I fast-walked over to the fridge, opening it and skimming my eyes over the condiments until I found the two boxes I was looking for. I grabbed them, placing them on the counter.  
I pulled open the cutlery drawer, seeing a long, chopping knife laid there in the metal pile. It glimmered as the sunlight's reflection bounced from the material, seemingly standing out a lot more than the other cutlery piled there.

_Looks familiar, doesn't it?_

_It may not be a mirror shard, but boy. The way it reflects your face...it really does look like the very piece that you stabbed me with..._

"Shut up," I thought out loud. It was merely a mumble, but it was more than enough for the sound waves to travel to Phil's ears.

"Hm? Did you say something?" Phil asked, not turning around from the open oven, which he batted at with his hands as the hot air flung into his face.

"O-Oh, no it was nothing," I assured him, laughing nervously, turning back to the knife.

I shoved the voice to the back of my mind again, taking the knife and walking back over to the counter.  
I tore off the box wrapping, taking the tomatoes and slicing each of them in half.

The voices were quiet for a good while—until suddenly, like an unexpected gust of wind, his voice, along with the distant screaming, returned.

_Ah, the memories. I bet you're excited to use a sharp object again, huh?_

I shook my head in a moment of agitation, but that didn't stop the voices.

I put the knife down to gain a quick breather, as I'd began getting overwhelmed, which didn't contribute to my goal of acting more positive in front of Phil.  
I stared up at the tiled wall in front of me, closing my eyes to try and compose myself.

_I bet you're desperate to see blood on the end of that knife, huh? I bet you'd get orgasms just from the thought, you psycho._

I clenched my fists, scrunching my eyes together and pursing my lips into a tight line. I tried to keep mentally telling myself that it was just my thoughts turning against me—but no matter how much I told myself that, it didn't stop me from wanting to have a mental breakdown.

_I bet you'd be drooling to watch your little friend as the blood pours out of him, until he can't utter anything but a small whimper as he slowly suffers to his death._

The thought made me want to puke. Phil was... it's safe to say that he's one of my closest friends after this whole debacle. He doesn't even know a snippet of knowledge about why I'm even like this, yet he always knows best.

I could never hurt him. Or any of my friends for that matter.

_You can convince yourself that you're innocent Danny boy, but...tch, see for yourself._

My eyes snapped open, my focus shooting down to my hands. Blood thickly coated the metal, oozing down and splatting down into the counter, loud enough to send echoing through my mind.

I dropped the knife, taking several steps back and blinking rapidly.  
Much to my surprise, the scarring scene that I witnessed had disappeared as quickly as it was projected. The piece of metal made a deafening clang as it crashed to the floor, where the artificial blood was replaced with the tomato juice.

"Dan!?" Phil exclaimed, racing up to me and grabbing onto my shoulders. "Are you okay?? Are you hurt??"

Despite my dad's haunting and the horrific image that was just portrayed, I was determined to keep the happy atmosphere up and running.  
My eyes met with his and I cracked him a wide smile that physically hurt to put on. "You spork, I'm fine," I laughed falsely. "I'm just clumsy."

He let out a deep sigh of what sounded like relief. "You got me worried there," he said honestly.

My mind was scattered like a bunch of children's toys.  
Dad's voice had thankfully gone quiet, but the screaming was just about sensed through a tingle in the back of my mind.  
Trying to keep it together when your ears are constantly ringing with chilling, ambient screams was incredibly difficult. I physically had to strain all my "happiness"; squeezing it dry.

Phil tilted his body so that he could return to his part of the cooking, but seemed to stop in his tracks. His eyebrows furrowed with a look of consideration resting on his face, until he turned back and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a warm, tight embrace. I blushed gently, but after that traumatic experience I knew a hug was just what I needed.  
I returned the hug, burying my face into the crook of his neck and clutching onto him tightly, sighing delightfully.

The screams began to die down, until I was at "Average Dan" stage once again; the stage I was comfortable being in.

We probably stayed in this position for well over a minute, until we both reluctantly pulled away. "That was my way of saying thank you for yesterday," Phil chuckled, staring down at me with a half-smile.

I took a moment to remember, and shook my head when I did. "It's no problem at all," I said quickly. "That's what friends are for, right?"

Oh, how I wish I knew that when Louise and Tyler were still in my life.

I spent the rest of the day desperately trying to distract myself from later by finally starting  _Attack On Titan_ with Phil. I had to literally hold my breath to stop myself from giving spoilers.

I begged the good old Father Time to spare at least an hour, but no such luck.  
Before I knew it, Phil and I were getting ready to go to this dreaded party.

I slipped on a casual black t-shirt and jeans, and reluctantly glided down the stairs, where Phil waited at the door. "You ready?" He asked, passing my coat over.

"Yup," I replied sarcastically, taking my coat from him.

"Look on the bright side Dan," he chirped. "Maybe it'll be fun, I mean there'll be drinks, food, music—I'm sure you'll have a good time."

I shrugged. "Maybe I will. Who knows?"

☾

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Not fun. Not fun at all.

I stood in the middle of a crowd of dancing adults, the radioactivity of the flashing lights making my eyes scatter as if I was on every single drug at the same time.

The music being played wasn't awful **—** Pj had pretty good music taste—but it was all so loud and out in the open. I was used to music being heard on low volumed earphones, I certainly wasn't used to  _this._

I didn't even attempt dancing.

After what seemed like forever, Phil jogged back with two cups of punch and handed one to me. "Drink a bit of this, you might relax a little," he suggested, taking a sip of his own.

I felt so on-edge and anxious at that moment that I didn't hesitate to chug the drink back and finish it in a matter of seconds.   
I exhaled heavily from drinking so much at once, and I could feel Phil's eyes already giving me the stunned look.

"Dan," he said with warning. "Be careful."

I rolled my eyes. "Phil it's just a bit of punch," I replied with an eyebrow raise.

"Well a bit of punch could easily turn into a lot of punch," he said firmly with a small smirk. "You're younger than me, I know best, Daniel."

I found myself cackling at the ridicule of what he'd just claimed. "Phil, if you knew best then we'd all be dead," I giggled.

"Shut up, Spaniel," he simply replied, shoving me gently as I continued my hysterics.

I composed myself, looking up at his tropical-blue eyes. As they stared back down at mine it made me think. About how eyes are the closest doors to emotions that you can get. It wouldn't have mattered what they'd said or whether they were telling the truth or not—the eyes simply give you a direct, instant mirror.

As I searched them, through the haze of the flashing lights and the rattling bass echoing in my ears, I could still see the care and happiness as his orbs of blue light locked onto me.

I let out a heavy sigh, thinking about the past, thinking about how I made him leave. If I hadn't have bumped into him at Starbucks then none of this would've continued.

It was all so complicated, I found myself unable to look so deeply into it. All that mattered was the two open doors I gazed into.

"Hey," he whispered. "Do you wanna go out for some air? You look sad all of a sudden."

Obviously my eyes were just as readable as his, which was a downside.  
I shrugged. "I guess it's a bit crowded in here," I admitted. I wasn't used to parties. I've only been to a couple with Louise and Tyler, but we always stuck together like glue, and had a good time.

Those times were rare anyways, my dad was always lurking wherever I went.

I shuddered from the thoughts of my dad as Phil and I walked out through the hallways and into the open air. The fresh air hit me like the kick of a drug, and although it was cold as heck, anything was better than the sweaty, drunken surroundings that were around me a minute ago.

Before I could even look up, I felt my body being wrapped in a familiar warmth that I immediately recognised as Phil's embrace again. I didn't realise how much I craved a hug at that moment, so my arms linked around his back as I clung onto him as if I'd die if I let go.

I rested my chin on his shoulder, shutting my eyes as warm, fuzzy feelings erupted from every nerve ending in my body. As well as outward warmth, his tight hug provides enough inner warmth to heat a cold room.  
Maybe they were the best ways to keep warm.

"Dan," Phil whispered in my ear, sending a nervous chill sprinting laps up and down my spine. "You're probably going to hate me for saying this."

"Don't say that," I clutched him tighter. "I could never hate you."

He gently pulled away from the hug, but there still wasn't much distance between each other, causing my face to darken.

I watched as he struggled to put his words into a sentence. "I'm only saying this because I'm worried for you," he started, making my stomach churn slightly. "but...are you in trouble?"

Panic started to creep into my system as I frowned. "What do you mean...?"

He sighed in thought, shaking his head. "It's just that...your secrecy...it makes me wonder if there's a bigger picture to hide from this?"

And just like that, the pure description of the eyes became one dreadful feature that I wished Phil didn't know how to read.

☾

**Phil**

I was pushing it. I was  _really_ pushing it.

But I've had a bad feeling for a little while now, and my curiosity was finally getting the better of me, and I found it difficult suddenly to change the subject, or forget I even asked it.  
It's just...there's so many gaps in it all. Leaving his friends. Constantly terrified of small things that are somehow big to him.  
His fear of betraying people.

Of betraying me.

I'm lucky to even be talking to him today. Yet I felt like I just had to figure these things out. It was like my life suddenly depended on finding out what's making Dan so unhappy.

We still stood incredibly close to each other as I watched Dan's expression slowly begin to drop.

I felt terrible for pressing on like this—but it needed to be done at some point. His gaze trailed off, looking as if he were in deep thought about something.

There it was again. I saw it. The recollection eyes. I could practically see as he focused on something; an image.

The silence hung in the air as I awaited a response.  
He opened and closed his mouth repetitively, until he finally spoke.

"No."

That was all he said.  
But I was determined.

I squeezed both of his shoulders. "Why don't you tell me these things, Dan?" I questioned him. "You know you can trust me with anything, right?"

He didn't reply, he simply looked down at his feet and fiddled with the sleeves on his coat.

I continued. "Even if you're in really deep trouble, you know that all I'll ever do is stick by you, right?"

He began muttering things that I couldn't hear as I tried to open him up to me. "Dan, look at me."

He hesitated, but he slowly turned his head up. His eyes were glistening with weighted tears, and I noticed his chin wobble slightly.

I'd overstepped a line big-time, whatever it was.   
But I kept going.

I met his chocolate-brown eyes once again, saying what most definitely came fresh out of my heart. "You're my best friend, you know that right? I can't leave, even if I wanted to—"

"—P-Please stop," he barely whispered. "I can't do this right now..."

Before I could say anything else, he'd raced off back into the building, leaving me to stand there as guilt replaced the determination.

My curiosity needed to fuck off if it was gunna hurt Dan.

Before the guilt could even hit me, I felt a firm grip slap my shoulder. My head shot round, seeing a slightly tipsy Pj smiling up at me. "Hey buddy," he chirped as I turned fully around.

"Hey Pj," I said, with slight sadness in my voice.

"You having fun?" He asked with a sparkle in his eye.

In reality, I really wasn't. I just wanted to go home and forget about tonight's events. Making things right with Dan was the only thing I cared about at this moment, and I knew I needed to go and find him.

But I knew he probably wanted some space after my unintentionally-forceful way of gaining information, so I was glad to talk to Pj whilst he calmed down.

Pj looked like he was having one heck of a time, and I didn't want my honesty to ruin his joyous mood.

So I smiled widely and nodded. "Yeah, it's awesome!" I lied. "You're really good at throwing parties, Pj."

"Thanks dude!" He replied, giving my shoulder another friendly pat. "D'you wanna join me and the other guests?"

"I'll come, I'm just getting some air for a minute," I said, staring up at the sky. The sun was beginning to sink away, hiding as the moon came into view. A blush emitted from the burning ball of sun as the light began to blend into the darkness. A small sense of comfort soaked into my skin just from painting out the picture above me with my mind. My love for the sky never died...

"Alright mate," Pj said in understanding. "I'll probably be at the snacks table."

I chuckled at his comment as he skipped off, a drink in hand as it sloshed out of the cup slightly.

I collapsed against the wall, exhaling deeply as I drew my phone out of my coat pocket. I tapped on my contacts and scrolled through—until I'd found the number. My thumb hovered over the 'call' button as I took some nervous, shaky breaths.

It'd been a long time since I'd done this.

Every time I do it, it always ends the same way. I already knew exactly what was going to happen. But every time I go for the contact, there's just this sickly sense of  _hope_ —and no matter how much I tell myself;  _convince_ myself, that it'll never change, I still do it.

I felt the familiar, unhealthy excitement build up in my gut, sending adrenaline pulsing through my veins and causing my thumb to stab at the call button.

I pressed the phone to my ear, crossing my fingers and toes in desperation and pleading.

_Beep beep. Beep beep._

Every  _beep_ stabbed a gaping hole in the hope, and every pause made my stomach lurch with nerves.

_Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep._

I felt myself begin to deflate, as once again my hope was betrayed. Tears prickled at my eyes as the beeping continued, and my shoulders slumped.

_Beep beep. Beep beep._

_..._

_..._

_...Hiya! You've reached my voicemail. Leave me a voicemail and I'll be sure to—_

I stabbed the hang-up button, vigorously wiping my eyes with the cuff of my sleeve. I couldn't break down yet. I needed to stay strong for Dan.

I needed to stay  _positive_ for Dan.

I sniffed harshly, looking up at the sky again. A few stars had begun to dot around the sky, pulling at the corners of my lips with the beauty of the atmosphere. A cold wind rushed over me, batting through my black hair and refreshing my mind.

I guessed it was finally time to go back in and face the music—literally.

Yet before I'd even moved, Pj had bounded back out, constantly repeating my name and almost knocking me over from the impact he ran at me.

"Woah Pj," I yelped, steadying him with my hands. "What's up?"

"Oh my God Phil you need to get back right now," he babbled in between gasps for air. "It's Dan."

I felt the blood drain out of my face as a sickly sensation bubbled in my stomach. "What's happened??" I demanded, giving him a small shake.

"He's out of control! One minute he's sat down drinking in a corner, and next thing I know he's dancing on fucking tables and yelling song lyrics at the top of his lungs!" He explained, incredibly fast-paced in his speech.

_Oh no_ I thought.

I raced past Pj, going back into his house and internally groaning at the sight I saw.

Dan was, indeed, dancing on a table with two drinks in his hands whilst he sang along to  _Toxic_ hoarsely at the top of his lungs. People were swarmed around the table, either cheering him on, recording him, or laughing at him.  
He didn't even look like Dan Howell. His curls had gone haywire, clad with sweat as they sprung out from all angles, his eyes rolled round and round constantly, and a massive red flush was stamped across his cheeks.

I covered my mouth with my hand in pure horror. He had no idea what he was doing, the alcohol had overturned the confidence knob and, like Pj said, he'd lost control.

Pj jogged up behind me, taking a moment to stare up at Dan and shake his head.

This wasn't  _him._ He'd never do this in a million years, he's the shyest person to ever exist.

"Phil! You're the only one that can help him!" Pj yelled over the music, which had very noticeably gone up in volume.  
I knew I was. And I was very much determined to get him down from there in one peace.

I marched over, practically barging through the sea of people that crowded the table until I got to the front. "Dan!" I tried to yell, but he continued to strut around the table, drunkenly singing the lyrics.

"Dan!!" I yelled even louder, but not even the slightest acknowledgment was made.

I really wasn't looking forward to doing this, but I knew I had to.  
I heaved myself up onto the table, standing up and approaching him in his drunken state. I placed a hand on his arm, not giving a shit that people were watching. I leant so that my lips were inches from his ear, whispering his name once more. "Dan."

He stopped singing, swiveling round to me. He ended up stumbling and nearly falling over, in which I steadied him by clutching on to his shoulders protectively. He giggled at his clumsiness, looking up at me with a giddy smile. His pupils looked almost fully dilated, and his eyelids drooped with an unknown tiredness.

But the alcohol didn't hide the inner pain that emitted from those brown orbs.

"H-Hey Phil," he hiccuped, giggling like a school-girl. "D-D'ya wanna join in??"

"No Dan, we're going home right now," I told him firmly, still keeping hold of his shoulders. I was absolutely terrified that he was going to fall over.

"B-But this is my favorite song  _ever,_ Philly," he whined, tugging at my jumper. "Y-You can't do that to me."

"Yes I can and I will," I answered. "I'm gonna take you home and you're gunna have a bath with a good cup of coffee, and you're gunna get a goodnight's sleep."

"But Phil," he pouted, dragging out the 'i' in my name. "Don't you wanna sing with me?"

"We can sing later," I lied, incredibly desperate to get off this table and into the car. I took the two drinks from his hands, placing them down on the table. "Now come on, let's get back."

I placed my hand on his lower back, guiding him off the table.  
After warning everyone to delete the videos of Dan that they greedily took, we managed to get Dan out of the door with a little help from Pj. Dan had his arm slung around my neck as he dragged his feet across the ground, continuing to giggle and mumble things to himself.

Once he was in the car, I exhaled stressfully. "Thanks for the help, Pj," I thanked him. "I'll have him sorted."

"No problem," he replied, with a small frown. "Out of curiosity, do you know exactly  _why_ he went and got that hammered? He just doesn't seem like the type."

Guilt waves crushed and splattered in my body, as I knew that I was one hundred per-cent responsible for this situation and that was that.  
But I felt like this matter needed to be private for some reason or other.

"I'm not sure exactly, I think he just had a bit too much fun at the punch table," I chuckled. The chuckle was artificial; clearly put on. But Pj seemed to buy it.

"Ah," he nodded in understanding. "Well I wish you both all the best, I'll see you on Monday."

I said my goodbyes to Pj, incredibly thankful that he was there to help out, and got into the car—where Dan's tiredness hadn't kicked in one bit.

I started driving, relieved that it was only a short journey back to my house.

"P-Philly," he giggled, a small hiccup following. "Y-You're silly."

I chuckled to myself. " _You're_ the only silly one here," I retorted with an amused grin.

He laughed with me, his head collapsing back against the car seat. "Y-You're very funny,  _Lester_ ," he said my surname with a hint of emphasis, and I couldn't help but grin.  
Dan was pretty funny when he was drunk, despite the cause of his state. I couldn't bring myself to be mad at him at this point, and I guess I should've been. But I just wasn't.

I pulled up outside my house with a sigh of relief. I walked round, opening the door for him. I helped him undo his seatbelt, leaning over and unbuckling him with a small  _click._

"Can you carry me?" He pouted, clinging onto my sleeve. He stared up at me with puppy-dog eyes, where every now and again they'd roll back from his insobriety.

I breathed out heavily, giving in to his request. I slid my arms under his body and legs, hoisting him out of his seat with a grunt.   
He grasped my shirt, examining my face with a tipsy grin. "You're such a gentleman," he chortled, burying his face into my chest.

I really shouldn't have become bashful over such a sentence, let alone from a wasted boy.

I entered the house, kicking off my shoes and carrying Dan upstairs, laying him carefully on his bed. He sighed contently, relaxing on the mattress as I sat down next to him. He began to grow tired, but was, unfortunately, still very much intoxicated.

"Do you want me to make you a coffee?" I quietly asked him.

His eyes crinkled and he smiled at me widely. "I-I'm good," he grinned. "You're so kind to me, Philly. No one's ever been  _this_ kind to me before..."

He gazed off into the distance, his face becoming more solemn and vulnerable.

"Hey, it's alright," I assured him. "You're my friend, it's what friends do."

He wheezed with laughter for no particular reason, before catching my eyes. I caught the first small sign of slight sobriety.

He reached out, unexpectedly placing his cold hand on my cheek. I felt my face redden as I found myself not fighting against him. His thumb brushed over my cheekbones gently, the small touch sending a calming, unknown electricity through my nerves.

I knew that he was drunk, but I found my eyes exploring all his facial features, absorbing all the tiny indents in his soft skin so that it clearly stuck in my memory. Every small feature outlined his mesmerizing beauty, and I was focused on taking every single bit in. I suddenly felt close to this boy; a fondness had started to grow on me like a fungus, and it sent shivers and tingles sprinting up and down my spine.

_This is not what sober Dan would've wanted_ I thought to myself, coming to my senses a huge amount.

I tore my eyes away from him as if I were stuck in some sort of trap, and stood up abruptly. "U-Uh," I stammered, scratching the nape of my neck. "I'll go grab your pajamas for you, it must be uncomfortable being in your day clothes still, eh?"

He shrugged loosely. "I guess so," he mumbled, stretching his legs up to the ceiling and pointing his toes up daintily.

I left the room to grab his favorite black, fluffy, warm pajamas from the airing cupboard, and quickly walked back to place them down.  
Somehow I just knew by taking one glance at Dan—he was giggling to himself and making a snow-angel on the bedsheets—I knew he needed some help with actually getting into them.

I marched over to him. "Come on Dan, let's sit you up now, yeah?" I said in a reassuring tone as I placed a hand on his shoulder.

It was weird how alcohol had transformed him into a childlike character, he usually acted so grown up. Although, I'm sure I was a lot worse to deal with when it came to drunk Phil.

He managed to slither up so that he was propped up against the cushions, and I instructed him to lift his arms up so that I could remove his shirt. I let him babble quiet nonsense to himself as I lifted up his shirt.

But as his torso became exposed, my eyes widened in the horror of what I was witnessing.

Bruises. Burns. Scars. They were carelessly littered all over his small frame, and there was barely any skin that wasn't injured with a mark of some sort or a deep shade of blotchy red.

Dan realized what'd just happened despite his giddy mind, and immediately grabbed his pajama jumper off of me, covering himself as much as he could. "Y-You weren't supposed to s-see..." he murmured, staring down at his lap as tears filled his eyes.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know how to react. I was just in a constant, horrified loop.

"G-God, Dan..." I shakily whispered, covering my mouth with my hand. "Who...who did this??"

He didn't answer, he simply gripped the shirt tighter and tighter until his knuckles were pasty white.

I didn't even need a huge amount of context for this. I knew exactly what this was.

Before I could say anything else, he burst into fits of uncontrollable sobs, and my heart felt like it had been smashed into glass-like pieces.  
I grasped ahold of him, pulling him into the tightest hug I'd ever given him, or anyone. "Shh, shh, it's okay Dan, it's okay, I promise you're safe..." I coaxed and shushed him as he wept hysterically into my shoulder.

I couldn't get the awful picture out of my mind. There weren't just a few scars and bruises—they were  _everywhere._  I'd never seen anything like it in my life.

Dan continued to cry for a long time, shaky sobs wrenching out of his fragile body, until they slowly died down and he'd stopped completely.  
I didn't care—I still refused to let go of him. He needed to know that he was safe now. I would never hurt him in a million years.

Soon, he felt loose and heavy in my firm hold, and when I checked, he was indeed fast asleep in my arms. His lids closed over his tired, emotional eyes and his mouth gaped open slightly as he slept.

I placed his body down so that he was sleeping comfortably, draping the thin sheets over his trembling form. I flipped down next to him, facing his sleeping form, my eyes flickering down to his bare chest. I was cringing at how many marks he had on his body.

I ran a finger gently down his front, running it over the bruises and bumps. I found myself trying not to cry. Knowing that someone had hurt Dan like this was utterly disgusting. He's just a vulnerable boy, he doesn't deserve to be treated like an object.

He was so much more than just human, let alone an object.

I cupped his cheek in my hand, sighing carefully. "If I ever find the one who hurt you," I started. "I hope that God looks away."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was around the time I discovered the good old thesaurus, so this is where the writing generally improves a bit


	12. chapter 11

** Phil **

_Beep beep. Beep beep._

_..._

_...Hiya! You've reached my vo_ —

I once again stabbed at the  _end call_ button, tears of frustration forming in my eyes as the hope and adrenaline soared out of my body at an alarming rate.

I hadn't done this in a while, why the hell was I suddenly addicted to doing it again?

I just...I just needed her to answer, even if it's just a simple 'hello.'

I shoved my phone in my jean pocket, my eyes flickering towards the clock. For once, I was reluctant to go to work. I was absolutely shattered, I felt like I could sleep all year after last night's events.

I was pretty scared to talk to Dan today. Last night I saw probably the most personal thing to him. Each mark on his body radiated with backstories, and he doesn't even need to explain anything to me. It was heartbreaking.

I paced up the stairs with a mug of fresh coffee in one hand and a hot water bottle in the other, approaching Dan's room. I walked in, taking a look at his sleepy form. He had a blanket draped over him to hide his injuries and a damp flannel placed across his head. His eyes scrunched up in pain from his intense hungover headache as he tried to get some sleep through his conditions.

I came and placed his coffee on the side, kneeling down so that I could lift up his arms and gently nestle the hot water bottle to his chest. He hugged onto the warmth, immediately wincing at the movement.

I placed a hand on his shoulder, stroking it gently with my thumb.  
I really did feel a lot closer to him all of a sudden. I mean, we always have been very close, but it was...different, somehow. It's like the more that's revealed the less the distance there is between us.

"Dan?" I whispered, gazing up at his pained face. "I'm off to work now. I've made you some coffee, it should help your hangover. Are you sure you'll be okay on your own?"

He simply grunted in response, snuggling more into the hot water bottle. His wild curls fell over his face as he did so, his lips smacking gently as his disorientation mixed with tiredness.

Ideally, I wanted to stay home and take care of Dan, but I knew I couldn't miss work. Hopefully he'll be fine.

As I walked to the train station, I remembered Pj. Pj was always one for giving good advice. Without his advice on how to sort my life out all those years ago, I'd have been screwed. As much as I take care of Dan in times like these, I'm just Phil. I can't do anymore than that. I was useless when it came to helping people.  
So I knew I needed Pj's help.

I walked into Starbucks, and Pj immediately turned around at the sound of the bell. "Hey Phil," he smiled as I trundled over to the counter. "I'm not used to not seeing Dan with you."

I chuckled to myself, tapping my fingers rapidly on the counter. My stomach bunched into an untwistable knot as I took a small breath in and out.

Pj frowned, tilting his head. "You okay? Has something happened?" He questioned.

After a lot of stutters and hesitation, I finally answered him. "I...I think Dan was a victim of abuse."

Pj's face dropped, his mouth gaping open. "Holy shit."

"You can't tell  _anyone_ that I told you, especially not Dan," I told him firmly, my fists clenching into balls. "Is that clear?"

He nodded hardly. "Of course I won't, it's safe. But...how do you know? Did he tell you?"

I cringed at the images of his torso, scars and bruises slashed everywhere I looked.

"N-No," I stuttered, my gaze averting to the floor. "I...I saw something that I wasn't meant to see."  
There was a small pause before I looked up again. "Pj...what do I do? There's only so much I can do to help him and it pains me. Should I talk to him?"

"Yeah, definitely talk to him. But don't stop assuring him that he's safe now, because it's easy to feel isolated when you've been through this shit," Pj explained. "When the time comes around and he wants to talk, I'm sure you'll know what to do anyways. I believe in you."

I shook my head. "You're a lifesaver, Pj," I told him, and pulled him into a friendly hug.  
The day rolled on, and for the entirety of it, Dan never left my mind. I was determined to bring his smile back. It was rare for him to genuinely grin, but when he did it it was like a bright light in a pitch-black room.

And maybe I was the room.

☾

Taking a few deep breaths, I slid the key into the keyhole and unlocked it. I stepped through the door, wiping my snowy shoes on the doormat. "Dan?" I called up the stairs. "I'm back!"

As expected, there was no reply. Sighing, I jogged up the stairs and walked over to Dan's bedroom.  
But what I was definitely not expecting was for Dan to be sitting upright on the bed, staring at the wall. He was fully clothed, and looked like he'd cleaned himself up a bit—but the expression on his face completely contrasted with that.

I was kind of taken aback as I peeked through the door, and unexplainable nerves filled my gut.  
His gaze stayed focused on the wall, but thankfully I could still see emotion in his eyes.

He wasn't completely out of it.

Slowly I tiptoed over, carefully sitting down on the bed next to him, as if abrupt movements would snap him right in half. Silence filled the air as we sat there, just...thinking. It wasn't awkward, it was just kind of peaceful for a moment. It was the peace before the storm of emotions that was soon to take over.

I opened my mouth to say something, but surprisingly, Dan interrupted me.  
"I don't know why my dad hated me so much," he started.

I slowly looked over at him with wide eyes, and he was now staring up at the ceiling with his head tilted back against the headboard. He looked comfortable to talk about it suddenly.

I guess patience really is key.

"Whatever it was, he absolutely despised me with such a strong, burning, unknown passion. But he wasn't like the regular, stereotypical abuser. He was one of the creative ones. He was... _very_ creative."

Somehow the word 'creative' was sickening to think about at this moment in time.

His gaze travelled down to his bandaged hand, and he reached down and slowly began to peel away at the bandage. I winced at the sight of his blotchy-red, shrivelled hand, and it made me wonder how on earth it'd gotten so bad.  
I felt like crying for him.

Dan pointed to it. "You see this huge burn?" He directed. I nodded solemnly, and he continued. "He planned that one out. He watched as I drank cup after cup of tea with such a terrifying patience, until my mouth was scalded from the inside out. It sounds like such a strange way of inflicting harm, but it hurt. It really fucking hurt."

I frowned, inspecting his hand from a distance. "H-How did your hand get like that, then?" I asked, with fear in my voice. I didn't want to find out to be honest, but I needed to know.

He chuckled gently. "He held my hand in the fresh tea and didn't let go, even when I was screaming. My hand still tingles sometimes."

I didn't know what to say. If I ever saw his dad I wouldn't hesitate to kill him right where he stood.

I let out a shaky sigh, horrified by the anecdote.   
Then, something else clicked. Another puzzle piece was merged together. "Is that why you get scared at the mention of tea?"

Although he didn't really need to answer much for me to understand.

"Yeah," he barely whispered, propping up the back of his head with his hands. "Messed up, huh?"

"It is," I agreed. "Jesus, I had no idea you were going through this, Dan. Did you tell your friends about this??"

"Nope," he said, popping the 'p'. "They were so happy. They were so different to me. But I didn't want to get in the way of their happiness."

"Dan, no one is happy on this earth," I mumbled, and silence fell upon us again.

My mind was swarming with questions that couldn't be answered yet, and my inner impatience was screaming. But through this deep conversation, I felt guilty. He'd opened up to me, and I hadn't really opened up myself. I was having a mental debate for a few seconds until I decided to just go ahead and say it.

"I had a sister," I blurted, and as soon as I'd said it I knew, there was definitely no turning back now. I struggled to find the words, and I suddenly knew how Dan felt.

Gulping, I continued on. "Her name was Lav, short for Lavender. She was about four years older than me, and she was my most favourite person ever. She always stuck up for me no matter what, we were a team, me and her. I loved her so much."

I looked up at the ceiling as I replayed the dusty memories. "Then, one day, when I was about nine, I told her that there was a boy I liked in my class, and she went nuts. She had nothing against it, but my parents did. She told me to never mention it to Mum or Dad, and I didn't, for a while. They did find out, but that was when I was much older. She saved me from being kicked out at nine years old, and I've always been thankful for that."

I looked over at Dan, and his glistening eyes were gazing up at mine as he contentedly listened to the story. A small smile lay on his lips too. "She sounds amazing," he barely whispered, but then frowned. "What...happened to her?"

I hated to think about this. The way my heart was torn apart at the sight of her empty bed—I remembered that feeling too well.

"I...I haven't told this to anyone, not even Pj, so this is...difficult for me to find correct words for. She...she mysteriously left one day. I never knew why or how, but suddenly she was just... _gone._ The first few years without her was absolutely awful, and I've never really gotten over her. The sad thing is, I still try calling her most days, in hopes that she'll answer. Stupid, I know, but I've never stopped missing her."

I felt Dan shuffle closer to me, until our arms were pressed against each other's. He squeezed my arm comfortingly, giving me a genuine, caring look. "It's not stupid," he said firmly. "I think it's beautiful how you have such a close bond with her. I would've loved to meet her one day." He paused, his gaze turning down to his sleeve that he fiddled with. "This will probably sound strange, but...I don't know what I would've done if you didn't come into my life. If I hadn't have run away, I'd never have met you. And I just can't imagine that, because...I really am grateful. It's a hard emotion to describe, but it makes me feel like I've known you all my life."

His gaze returned upwards to meet my eyes. We both had small blushes on our faces as we continued to delve deeply into each other's emotion doors.  
My eyes couldn't help but flicker down to his lips, as they appeared in front of my vision, slightly agape, possibly awaiting a response that could only be put into one way.

Before I could even control myself, I'd closed the distance between us as my lips were gently pressed to Dan's. I felt like I was a robot being programmed by a remote, because I had no idea what I was doing until I'd gone and done it.  
Dan's body stiffened in shock, but he didn't pull away, which was a sign that I wasn't  _completely_ fucking up.

I left the soft, gentle kiss on his slightly moist lips and pulled away slowly, our noses brushing together with a bashful delicacy.

My face grew hot when I realized what I'd just done, and quickly shifted my burning face away from his. "D-Dan I'm sorry," I babbled in panic. "Let's forget that happened, I don't wanna ruin our friendship—"

But before I could continue, Dan had pulled my face back round and crashed his lips to mine. My thoughts were swimming as the butterflies exploded from my gut and stretched down to the tips of my toes. My lips were tingling as they locked perfectly with Dan's and I felt like we'd been suspended off the bed, just floating in an atmosphere of stars in an unknown universe.

With a softness that took my breath away, he slowly pulled back and left my lips. We were so close; merely a few inches apart, and I could feel his small, warm breaths on my skin, making me internally shiver.

He cautiously removed his hand from my face, placing it back down with a shaky breath.  
I was completely in denial of what'd just happened, but I definitely felt happy.

The moment came to a close as Dan sunk down, getting into the sheets and closing his eyes. "Night, Phil."

I gazed down at his sleeping face, admiring every small feature that lay before me. I sank down next to him, a feeling of confidence overwhelming me. I raised my arm, sliding it round his waist as I drew him closer. He buried his face into my chest, and I felt his nose gently nudging at one of my ribs.

I knew he was unsure from the way his hands clutched my shirt and trembled. Whatever was holding him back wasn't going to get in the way. Not this time.

I rested my chin on the top of his head and his curls caressed my skin. "Night, Dan."

☾

_"Pack your bags right now!!"_

_I stood up, banging my hands on the table with pure impatience at her lack of listening skills. "No! Please just listen to me, Mum!" I yelled. "I can't change who I am_ — _hell, it's not even a big deal!"_

_"I beg your pardon?! You've betrayed God, of course it's a big deal!" She screeched._

_I sighed in frustration. "I thought God loved everyone no matter what."_

_"God hates fags!" She boomed, and I flinched at her incredibly harsh words. "And I'm doing you a favor! Your father would've been a lot more harsh on you than me!"_

_I cackled with ridicule. "You're kicking me out of my own home! You're disowning me because of my sexuality! Sorry Mum, but I'm pretty sure that if you were anymore harsh than that then you'd have physically harmed me!" I turned away from her, angry tears filling my eyes. "Lav warned me about this. She warned me of your homophobia."_

_She sat bolt upright with shock. "Lav knew?! So both of my kids support this.._ sin!?  _Oh lord give me strength! Good riddance to her, then!"_

_"Don't you dare talk about my sister like that," I warned her in a dark tone. "You know what, why am I even arguing? I'm glad to be free of you and dad." I rose from my seat and marched to the door. "Good fucking bye."_

_And I slammed the door to begin packing, packing for a journey and a life that I was certainly not ready for. But hey, anything is better than this place._

☾

My eyes slowly flickered open to a strange emptiness in my arms. Once I'd fully pulled out of my sleepy haze, I realized that Dan was gone.  
I sat up, looking around the room that I didn't usually wake up in—then I remembered everything and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I've never told anyone about Lav. Not even Pj, and I told Pj near enough everything. Just...not that.

I wasn't sure why it was all so personal to me. I just really love Lav, more than anyone else in the world.

And she left.

Why I decided to tell Dan, I do not know. I shouldn't have. That whole malarkey is something locked away in the rusty depths of my heart. And Dan unlocked it.

Did I regret it?  
Truth was, I wasn't so sure. I haven't known Dan nearly as long as Pj, yet I felt like I trusted Dan more. It was a hard emotion to put into words, but I sounded like I was being selfish and I hated that.

Dan kind of reminded me of Lav too, personality-wise. The way Dan's eyes sparkled when he was telling me a story, the way his smile lit up the whole room—those traits were very much shared with her. I guess that was one of the many reasons I felt so close to Dan when I was only months into our friendship.

I decided to stop pondering about life and actually get my ass out of bed. I slid my lanky form out of bed and walked up to Dan's mirror, where I witnessed the worst bedhair I'd seen in a long time.

Obviously it was the least of my worries, but I'd felt uncomfortable about my hair recently, I felt like I needed a new style but I wasn't sure what'd suit me. I couldn't help but wish I had Dan's soft curls, it just all falls into place so easily.

A small smile crept up onto my face as I remembered last night as his silky locks brushed against my chin, as if it were from the feathers of an owl.

On that note, where was he?

I jogged downstairs, frowning as I searched around for him.   
He wasn't in the kitchen.  
He wasn't in the living room.

Panic started to fill my stomach, and a heavy pressure weighed down on my chest, and I had trouble breathing properly.

What if he'd left? What if he'd ran away? What if he'd gone out of the blue, just like Lav??

"Dan?!" I called out with worry, in the direction of upstairs.

"Yeah?!"

I almost screamed with relief at the instant reply. "Where are you??"

"I've just got out of the shower, I'll be down in a little while!"

Oh.

I'm an idiot.

I mentally facepalmed at my constant worrying. Why did I have to be so damn annoying?

I shook it off quickly, fearing that my head would explode if I cringed anymore. I made a start on breakfast, and suddenly nerves took over.

What if our friendship is ruined because of last night? What if I screw up and make us distant? What if he regrets last night?  
'What if's swarmed into my brain like a sea of sardines, and I found myself incredibly nervous about Dan coming down.

_'When the time comes around and he wants to talk, you'll probably know what to say anyways.'_

Pj's advice echoed in my mind and I took a deep breath, assuring myself it'll all be okay in the end no matter what.

I continued on with breakfast for a short while until finally, Dan trundled in. "Good morning," he said with a yawn.

"You too," I answered, and immediately cringed at the way I'd formed that reply.

There was a small pause before I overheard Dan laughing over my shoulder. I peeked round with a nervous smile. "What?" I chuckled.

"Relax, Phil," he assured me in a soft voice. "I don't regret anything."

I almost dropped the strawberry packet I was holding. I had to replay that sentence a few times before I actually made sense of it. "Y-You don't?"

"No," he said, a small blush dusting his cheeks. "I mean I know I shouldn't do this, but...it doesn't mean I regret it, I guess."

He went from confident to bashful in that small amount of time.

This guy.

I had no idea why he said that he shouldn't, I wasn't sure what was holding him back. But I took this golden opportunity as if it were the only one I'd get.

He took a small step towards me before I could even move, which caused my feet to stay glued to the ground.  
His gaze turned to the floor as his blush continued to spread around his cheeks. "U-Uh...I don't mind if we took things slowly and see how it went, but if you don't want to then I don't mind remaining friends either," He babbled, and turned his red face up to mine. "So...what do you say?"

I was probably smiling a bit too wide at that moment but I didn't care.   
I snaked my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me in a slightly timid fashion. "I'd love that," I grinned, causing him to squeal lightly with embarrassment.

I couldn't believe he'd just said that! Even though there's still things that don't quite add up yet—I'm happy.

I wasn't even fully certain that I liked Dan in that way yet, but I guess time will tell.

☾

**Dan**

_What are you doing you filthy little faggot?!_

That was all I could hear on the train to work that morning. I'd done a pretty good job with ignoring my dad's voice this whole time (he uninvitedly returned during my shower) but I could feel him starting to get under my skin.

But in all honesty, what  _was_ I doing??  
Being friends with him is bad enough, and now I've gone and  _offered_ to take things further? Why on Earth have I, Dan Howell, decided to go and do  _that_ to myself? The truth was...I'm not sure. It's just, today in the shower I guess I just had a think about everything.  
About Phil.

I could tell that he didn't exactly like talking about his sister very much—hell, he hadn't even told Pj.  
Yet he told me. And somehow, after he did, I just suddenly felt like I knew him so much more than I ever had before. I wasn't sure if this meant that new "feelings" had developed, but this was my way of experimenting whether they had or not.

The only person who'd made me begin to develop feelings was Tyler.  
But he's gone now. He's not coming back.

"What's on your mind, Daniel?"

My body tingled at the familiar sound of Phil's gentle voice, immediately calming the distant screams in my head. My eyes drifted in my direction, and I couldn't help but stare into his. They were like two big, blue crystals glowing back at me.

"Nothing," I replied.

"You sure?" He placed his hand on mine, intwining his fingers with my own. "Is it about your dad again?"

I was about to deny it, but I found myself hesitating for some reason. The pause ended up giving it away, so I just sighed in defeat. "Yeah," I admitted, looking down at the table.

His grip on my hand tightened protectively. "You're safe now. I promise."

Those words were all I needed to shut my dad up for a while.

When we got closer to Starbucks, I suddenly felt myself go into a cold sweat. The last time Pj saw me I was extremely pissed and screaming lyrics to  _Toxic._ How freaking embarrassing is that?

We walked into Starbucks, with me cowering behind Phil with embarrassment when I spotted Pj at the counter. I heard him greet us and felt Phil give me a small, encouraging tug of my sleeve. I tiptoed forwards,  giving him an awkward smile.

"Hey Pj," I said quietly, feeling my face go all hot.

"Hiya Dan," he smiled, followed by a laugh. "It's fine, everyone's been drunk before, it's nothing new. Phil's old drunk stories are  _hilarious._ "

I looked up at Phil, whose face began to redden. "Don't tell him," he said with warning, but Pj was having none of it.

He went on to tell me all of Phil's drunk stories, which were...very shocking but very amusing. The first one he bought up was when he did a full-blown hour's karaoke in front of an entire nightclub, and then told me about when he ran around Pj's house and made ape noises whilst he removed all his clothes. But the one that got me the most was when Phil was so severely wasted that he threw up on someone—and that someone just so happened to be a footballer's wife walking by.  
Pj and I were practically snorting at the stories—Phil, not so much.

We all split up to prepare for opening the shop, and just as I was checking the coffee machines, Phil leaned right up close to my ear and uttered one small sentence.

"I'll get you back for that, Howell."

"I didn't do anything," I sniggered, craning my neck around.

I did not realise I would be  _that_ close to him at that moment in time.

He gave me a cheeky half-smile, poking my ribs and making me squirm. "I'm warning you," he giggled with raised eyebrows. "I've got a plan and you're not gonna like it."

I rolled my eyes at him, a small smile peeking out my features. "Whatever, Lester."

We both giggled like the children that we mentally were, and our noses brushed together gently. It was a small gesture, but it sure did make my face like a cherry tomato.  
Which Phil found particularly amusing, earning him a sharp nudge.

☾

Why was I scared of Phil's plan all of a sudden?

I could just tell from his mischievous grin and evil chuckling he kept doing as we walked back to his house that he knew  _exactly_ what he was doing.  
I gulped as we neared the familiar, Christmas-lit box. I couldn't help but smile for a second though; his house was always so inviting and I hadn't felt that before.

It felt...homely.

We got inside, removing our shoes and hanging up our coats.   
"I'll go make up some snacks," I said quickly, but Phil latched on to what I was doing immediately.

"Get back here, Howell," he ordered with amusement, and I turned back around to face him like a toddler being caught with sweets. "There's something we need to do before the snacks."

"You can't let me starve, Phil," I said melodramatically.

He simply grabbed my hand and pulled me down onto the couch and took a step back. "Wait here," he pointed before racing out of the living room. I chuckled at his enthusiasm.

What the hell was he planning?

He came bounding back into the room with a huge smile on his face, and he held something in his hand. I was about to ask what it was, but I groaned when I realised.

It was that fucking guitar he was yapping on about the other day.

"Phil I am not playing that damn guitar," I confirmed as he sat down next to me.

"But Dan you have to," he pouted. "I can really imagine you being a musician."

"Phil it's a fantasy thing," I argued.

"I'll only believe that when I hear it," he declared, and positioned the guitar on my legs before I could even push it away. "Go on, play anything you want. Name a song you like."

I rolled my eyes. "Uh, I don't know,  _It's U_ by  _Cavetown_?" I named one.

"There we go!" He clapped excitedly. "Now just go ahead and let it out."

I produced a small laugh, rubbing my eyes in despair. "I haven't done this in years."

I can remember the last time I played and sang. My dad found out I was getting lessons for my GCSEs and he banned me from going ever again.  
He used a lot more... _creative_ methods of informing me, though.

I felt Phil's hand comfortingly rest on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know I'm being forceful," he sighed, his face turning serious. "I just think that music is a really therapeutic thing to get in to, no matter how skillful you are."

I found myself instantly agreeing with him. I can remember when I did do music, it was definitely one of the best medicines at the time. Just being able to strum and sing to your heart's content—it spirals you into this void. But it's not a bad void, it's one that sends calming emotions coming your way in big but gentle waves, and it's like the feeling of falling asleep whilst suspended in this beautiful, glowing hole of light. It was an indescribable feeling, and I found myself wanting to feel it again.

My fingers glided over to the frets, picking at the first few notes of the song. Somehow, I just immediately knew how to play it, despite those years of not playing it at all.

Phil looked up hopefully, a smile finding its way into his face. The familiar thing that music bought: smiles.

I was a bit nervous, but I felt a lot more excited and hopeful, to finally feel that beautiful, bright void again. My tongue glided across my lips, and I took a breath before quietly singing the lyrics.

_I guess it's just another one of those nights,_   
_Where I'll spend way too much time,_   
_On something so small that no one really cares about at all._   
_I guess it's just another one of those thoughts,_   
_Where I can't really find the cause,_   
_Whether it's all just in my mind or,_   
_Something more here in my life._

I went to sing the chorus, but two fat tears trickled down my face, causing my voice to crack. The feeling was overwhelming; it'd been so long since I'd felt it, and I wasn't used to it. It felt like a ton of bricks.

Phil moved closer to me, placing his hand on my string-bent fingers, which he squeezed tightly. "You don't have to go on," he told me, but I found myself shaking my head.

"N-No, it's alright," I said quickly, looking up at him with a comforting, weak smile.

"You sure?" He whispered huskily, moving his hand to my face to gently brush away any tears.

I let out a shaky sigh, but nodded.  
My fingers moved back down to the frets, and as I did Phil's arm snaked around my waist as a comforting gesture that I appreciated very much. I resumed playing and singing, my voice still a bit wobbly, but every time my voice wavered or faltered, Phil's grip tightened encouragingly.

I managed to get to the end of the song, and playing that final D chord made my whole body tingle. I felt like I was glowing with a confusing happiness that only I could understand.

As the sound rang out, Phil and I were both speechless. I didn't think I'd ever experienced so many emotions at once.

My eyes drifted to his, that were glistening with unspilled tears. I let out a small chuckle. "Phil, why are you crying?"

"Because I'm so proud of you, Dan," he whispered, and bought me into a tight, supportive hug that I practically melted in to.

☾

** Phil **

As I switched off the late night TV, I decided that I should probably be getting some sleep. Dan had gone up to his room earlier to get some well-earned rest, which I completely understood.

I didn't lie when I said I was proud of him. It must've taken a lot of courage to do what he did, especially after all that he's been through.

I made my way upstairs, yawning and stretching out. I didn't even realise how tired I was.   
I passed Dan's room, where his door was slightly ajar. I couldn't resist taking a small peek inside, and I gently pushed on the door and poked my head round.

I smiled at the sight of Dan in a mountain of sheets, softly snoring into his pillow with his curls spread out around his head. As I stared at him, I thought about the song he sang. How he sang it. There was something about how it was projected, it seemed to explain hidden meanings that not even the greatest speakers could put into words. I've listened to many artists before, but none of them have had that much of an impact on my mind.  
What Dan had was unique. Something that needed to be made, whether it was public or not.

The way he sang was soaked with hidden emotions; hidden sadness. It hurt me to feel the sadness inside him right now, he deserved the world. He's lit up my world, and he deserves a light in return.

I found myself wanting to be that light in his world. I want the light to soak into his skin, like Vitamin D, so that he knows how much I'm there for him, no matter what.

Was this a metaphor for something?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably my favourite chapter to write. As a musician, expressing my love for songs and music is incredibly therapeutic for me, and if I end up creating future works, that will most likely always pop up.  
> It just means a lot to me, I don't know if anyone will understand my passion other than me myself.


	13. chapter 12

**Dan**

It was five days until Christmas and I still hadn't bought any Christmas presents.

Phil and I were supposed to go decoration shopping today, but thanks to my unorganised ass we have to do each task alone. It'd been a while since we'd gone out together, and I was too nervous to admit it, but ever since the whole thing with my dad I've been really anxious to go anywhere alone. I'd gotten used to having people by my side, and when no ones there the only company I have is my dad's unwanted voice, and that  _fucking screaming._

It'd been a while since actual dialogue had occurred, but he's always there. He's always there,  _waiting_ for the right moment to strike.

I felt two arms snake around my waist, gently dragging me out of my thoughts. My head tipped back, smiling as the back of my skull pressed against his warm shoulder. For a moment I forgot about my problems, I just focused on this golden part of time I was experiencing.

"Is your phone charged up?" He asked me in a mumble. I could feel his warm breaths softly brush against my skin, making the hairs on my neck stand up.

I hummed in response, showing him the 100% battery bar on my phone before putting it back in my coat pocket.

"Call me anytime you want," he told me, pulling away so that he could twist my body to face him. "I'm always up for a chat."

I felt comforted by this offer, but I knew I wouldn't pester him too much. I was still trying to keep up with the whole "stay positive" thing, although I totally suck at it at the moment.

"Alright," I replied softly. "Don't put up the decorations without me."

"I won't," he giggled, and handed me the keys. "See you tonight."

I took them from his hand and gave him a flustered grin. "See ya."

As I walked out of the house, a small ray of positivity shone through. Which is exactly what I wanted.

I got on the usual train to Covent Garden, and as I was walking off of the train, my phone vibrated. I took it out to see a message from Phil.

_ Phil: _ _Miss ya x_

I almost cackled out loud, but instead I suppressed the laughter and went red instead. I'd only just got off the train!

This guy.

I shook my head in amusement as I typed a reply.

_ Dan: _ _I've only just arrived you spork :'D but don't worry, anime and snacks are coming your way tonight x_

I decided to put my phone away after that, determined to get this Christmas shopping done and dusted.

First I shopped for Pj. I'd known Pj for long enough to tell me that he really liked animals and clothes (it sounds specific but that's because I casually asked him what his favourite things were and that's the exact thing he replied with). Miraculously, I walked past a clothing shop with a massive dog jumper on one of the polystyrene models in the window. I also bought him some Ferrero Rochers, some bunny slippers and some floral-looking shirts. The floral stuff wasn't very festive-appropriate, but hey, they looked pretty darn good.

After a small shopping break of eating chestnuts, I began shopping for Phil. Similarly to Pj, he really liked animals, preferably dogs.  
I was wandering around all the random shops dotted around the place when, like some weird dream come true, I saw a massive Shiba Inu jumper in the window of a shop. I nearly screamed with excitement, but I restrained myself, seeing as I was already drawing everyone's attention from the strange, excited bopping I was doing. I bought it in a heartbeat, along with some new pajamas, a cute koala plushie and various other adorable gifts.

I still felt like I was missing something, though.

I bought myself a caramel latte so I could ponder on the missing gift, which smelt absolutely divine, and turned a corner.

I stopped in my tracks. I suddenly felt like I was in one of those movie scenes where the whole world is moving past in slow motion-and I'm just stuck in the middle.

There I saw the dreaded bench, where it all started.

I gulped, slowly approaching it.  
It'd probably been just over a month since I'd even seen the dreaded thing. I found myself purposefully going over and sitting down, anxiously staring at the world whizzing by.

Ah, I almost forgot the feeling.  
It felt somewhat strange without Phil seated on the bench next to me.

"Dan?"

My head shot up in pure shock, but sighed with relief when I saw Pj stood over me with a wide smile. "Hey, Pj," I greeted him as he sat down next to me. I nudged his present bag under the bench before he could see them.

"Heya," he greeted back. "What're you doing back here?"

I exhaled slowly, watching my condensed breath as it flew off into the atmosphere. "I dunno."

He chuckled softly. "Man, you're really lost without Phil. You're like a puppy without its owner."

I looked down at my feet. "N-No I'm fine," I stammered, resulting in more un-sympathetic laughter from Pj.

Once he'd stopped laughing, he sighed, gazing up at the sky that'd began to grow dim. "It's crazy," he said in disbelief. "I've never seen him so happy before."

I couldn't help but find amusement at that. If anything I was eroding his happiness. His rock-solid mind was in danger, to be honest.

Pj gave me a small, playful shove. "It's true!" He emphasised. "I think he's really taken a liking to you, Dan."

I didn't say anything, staring down at my feet sadly. The pause continued until I admitted to the fact that'd been eating away at me for a long time.

"Pj, I...I don't think I can stay here."

I could sense his confused frown. "Why? Do you not like it here?" He asked.

I shook my head quickly. "No, I love it here and I wish I could stay forever," I whispered. "but my past is catching up with me and I don't wanna drag anyone down. Then again...I can't leave. Because...well, I don't know how I feel about Phil but-"

"-You love him," he finished the sentence with a shrug.

My face exploded into a deep red. "I...I...I'm not sure if it's that deep," I stammered. "but...I know that there's definitely something, and whatever it is is stopping me from leaving."

Silence fell about the air; only the people around us could be heard. At first I thought Pj was mad at me-but I heard him let out a soft, composed sigh. "I can't stop you from leaving," he began. "But...whilst you're still here, give Phil all the care you can. He may have always seemed like a happy-go-lucky guy, but all the shit with his homelessness has left a dark cloud looming over his head. He knows what it's like, so let him take care of you. Let him buy you things. Let him care. It'll really make him happy."

God, I really didn't wanna leave this place. But staying forever would be selfish of me.

I smiled brightly as an idea popped into my head. "Don't worry Pj," I told him. "I'll make sure he's happy."

He looked at me with an expression of gratitude, his eyes glittering with hope.

Pj eventually had to leave as he was late for a convention that started in fifteen minutes, so I chucked my empty cup in the trash and marched across the path with great, mighty strides.

I knew what the missing gift was, and I was going to get it.

☾

Nervously, my eyes scattered over the shimmering materials laying before my eyes, either on displays or people. This looked like a very expensive shop. Looks like the work I've done at Starbucks definitely paid off.

I timidly approached the lady behind the desk, who gave me a warm smile as I got closer. "Welcome young man, how may I help you?" She chirped.

"Hi," I started, gulping. My social anxiety was kicking off with an awkward start, as usual. "I'm Christmas shopping for someone and I want it to be special, y'know?"

I cringed so hard at my pathetic attempt at dialogue.

"Mhm, I see. Who's it for? Your girlfriend?" She kindly asked.

_Oh shit._

What do I say? He's not my boyfriend-well, I don't  _think_ he is-but he's not exactly just my friend, is he?

And he's  _definitely_  not my girlfriend either.

"N-No, it's f-for..." I stuttered. "I-It's for my boyfriend, who isn't actually my boyfriend but we're acting like we are, except not in that stage yet-"

"-Oh I see. You're dating?" She suggested.

I just nodded at that, as that's the closest I'll get with this description, even though we weren't really dating.

"Okay. Is there anything in particular you're looking for? As in a necklace, a bracelet, or something along those lines?" She questioned.

I did not think this through at all.

"U-Uh, well I was thinking that it could be a...necklace, w-with a picture kind of thing inside it?" I babbled, making it completely up on the spot and settling with that option.

Thankfully, she beamed at my suggestion. "I see where you're going! Let me fetch some of our lockets and we'll go from there."

She quickly rushed off and dashed back one minute later with five rectangular boxes in her hands.  
She opened all of them up, revealing six, shimmery, colourful necklaces, all with a tiny stock photo in the picture compartment. My eyes glazed over at the dazzling designs, inhaling sharply as I inspected all the details of the silver.

"There are all the lockets available as of now," she explained. "Each one is made of sterling silver, but they all have small designs on them that make them pop. Which one's caught your eye?"

They were all so beautifully sculpted, but there was one out of the six that captured my interest the most.  
There was a medium-sized heart locket, attached to a chain that were shaped into prickly vines, which intertwined perfectly with each other.   
Surrounding the edges of the heart were small, crushed up stones that glimmered with a pure, sea-blue, and I was immediately reminded of Phil's bright, mesmerising orbs of light gazing back at me with affection.

Before I could start blushing, I timidly pointed to it. "Could I get one of these, please?" I asked, continuing to stare down at that beautiful blue.

"Of course! Would you like it gift wrapped?" She asked, and I nodded in response to her question.

In the end it was a very expensive piece of jewellery, but I knew it was worth it.

I walked out of the shop, smiling to myself like an idiot as I realised that my Christmas shopping was finally over.

I could finally get back to Phil's house.

As I was on the train, my phone bleeped again. I hurriedly took it out and grinned down at the message.

_ Phil: _ _You on your way home now? I have the decorations x_

I didn't hesitant to tap back a reply.

_Dan:_   _Yeah I'm on the train. See you soon x (by the way, which anime should we watch tonight?)_

He almost immediately got back to me.

_Phil:_ _We have to finish_ Your Lie In April.  _If it's a sad ending then Christmas is off :) xx_

I chuckled to myself evilly, already knowing what happens at the end.

I practically skipped off the train, sprinting down the path with all my bags of shopping flinging in the wind in my hands. I propelled myself into the front door with excitement, and Phil opened it quickly.   
"Woah!" He laughed with wide eyes at my excitement. "You've obviously had a few coffees."

"I've only had one actually," I said smugly, hurrying inside and placing the bags down with a long sigh.  
I shielded then with my arms. "Don't look!" I exclaimed, and he giggled as he tried to cover up his peeking gaze.

We walked into the living room, where my mouth dropped into a big 'O' shape at the amount of boxed decorations on the floor, ranging from Christmas lights, to baubles, to all kinds of glittery ornaments in all different shapes and sizes. But what especially caught my eye was the tall, prickly Christmas tree in the corner, currently undecorated but still very beautiful. I could already smell the gorgeous scent of pine needles.

"I don't know about you," Phil started, skipping over to the decorations and bending down to look at the assortment with a big grin on his face. "but I'm dead excited to put these up."

☾

** Phil **

"It isn't just you who's excited!" Dan replied with a laugh.

That damn smile. Simply seeing that little dimple peek out from his rosy cheeks made my stomach and whole body feel like mere fragments of glass gracefully suspended in slow motion. No metaphor or saying could even describe the feeling in an understanding way, but I knew that the feeling was definitely affectionate towards the curly-haired boy in front of me.

As we de-tangled our way through the Christmas lights, I furrowed my brow in thought.

Did I like Dan??

I guess it was a very forward emotion to experience after only knowing him for a short amount of time-but that song he played. I could feel all his emotions being poured out like a mixture of mystery, and I'd never felt so emotionally connected to this boy.

The song on the radio changed, and I smiled at what'd come on.  
 _Last Christmas;_ honestly one of my all-time favourite Christmas songs. It was just one of those classics that always stuck in your head.  
But there was more of a deeper meaning behind this song.

Dan looked up from the lights, his smile gradually expanding as he watched my expression. "Your whole face is glowing," he laughed in amazement.

I chuckled gently, but looked down. I realised that this song held a lot of memories.

☾

_"What're you listening to, Lav?"_

_She looked up from her IPod, taking out one earphone and cracking me a toothy grin. "I'm listening to Christmas songs," she answered, holding out the other earphone. "Wanna listen with me?"_

_I nodded eagerly, taking it from her and plugging it into my right ear, where waves of sound drifted into my hearing. I didn't know which song it was, as it was just ending, but the next song played soon after._

_Lav slapped her knees to the music enthusiastically, and I couldn't help but laugh at the excitement on her face. Her brown eyes were sparkling with all different light shades, blending with her golden-brown chestnut eyes._

_"It's a good song, alright?" She admitted, giving me a playful shove._

_Her head rested against the wall as she let out a heavy sigh. "This song really_ does  _make me think about last Christmas. When me, you and Rose snuck out to watch the fireworks together. Seeing those colourful, exploding fragments in the sky was so...memorable. Do you remember it, Phil?"_

_I didn't hesitate to nod sharply. "Sure I do! I remember it like the back of my hand." My gaze drifted downwards to my lap as I fiddled with my sleeves. "What happened to Rose, though? We never see her anymore, I really liked her."_

_Lav sighed deeply, clearly not comfortable with talking about it. "Phil...you're right. Some people are nice. But some people are_ too  _nice. Because it's such a rare thing to be so goddamn happy, sometimes it's the best thing to not mix with people whose emotions contrast with that..." she paused to think, before abruptly shaking her head and tightly smiling. "Ah, it doesn't matter. You'll understand one day, little man."_

_She ruffled my hair, making it messy, and laughed as I tried to flatten it down._

_"But hey!" she said excitedly, placing her hands on my shoulders. "How's about we go back this year? To the fireworks? That'll be fun, huh?"_

_"I guess so," I admitted, smiling gently._

_She rested her head back against the wall, chuckling. "Who needs Rose? She's not worth the trouble."_

_I nodded in a naive understanding as we continued to listen to the song._

☾

"I-I'm sorry I'll be right back," I mumbled, scrambling up off the floor and racing to the bathroom.

I closed the door shut, locking it, and hurriedly took out my phone in a state of desperation. The false hope layered and layered, and I felt myself being overtaken by the sickly sense of excitement that seemed to control me.   
I scrolled until I found her contact- _Lav's_ contact-and I felt my whole body tremble as I called her number.

_Beep beep..._

"Please Lav," I whispered. "Please pick up the phone. Where are you, sis?"

_Beep beep..._

My body was shaking with sadness and the overwhelming fear of the worst. I don't care what she says. I don't care if she tells me to fuck off or something like that, I just wanna hear her and know that she's okay.

_Beep beep. Beep beep._

_..._

_...Hiya! You've reached my voicemail!_

I went to stab hang up-but something stopped me. An undeniably heavy, mental force had glued my arm to that same spot, and forced me to just listen. My eyes filled with tears as I listened to her voice, picturing her in my mind saying these exact words, painting out the way she talked so happily with that huge smile permanently printed on her face.

_Leave me a voicemail and I'm sure I'll get back to you in no time! Although, I never go anywhere without my phone, so I don't see any reason for this feature_ - _hah, I guess boredom's a bitch. Well, see ya!_

There was a small beep before the phone went silent, recording my voice and waiting for me to say something.

This hope, this hell, this desperation-it needed to stop. Whatever happened to her, she's gone.

But boy, I had a lot of things to say to her.

"H...Hi, Lav," I croaked out, taking a deep breath. "It's your brother, Phil. I-I know you'll never hear this message but, I haven't stopped dialling this number for years now, and I...know this needs to come to an end.

"Well, uh...where do I start? I guess from the beginning of your disappearance." I paused to sadly sigh, and went on. "My parents found out about my sexuality and, they kicked me out. So uh, thanks for advising me not to tell them, or I would've probably been kicked out at a young age.

"Anyway, I was...I was homeless for a few years, and that was pretty rough. B-But I met a really good friend called Pj, and he offered me a job at the Starbucks up at Covent Garden. Obviously, I accepted, and I was so happy. I'd finally found somewhere that I belonged, and I still work there to this day.

"I love it there, I'd never want to quit in a million years. I guess the years went on, and I suppose I was happy the majority of the time, but I...I always had all these problems on my mind. I didn't even know what they were, I just felt so low all the time." Two tears spilt from my eyes, and I cracked a small smile. "Then I met Dan. On a bench one day, wrapped up in that blue sleeping bag, always sleeping like a kitten. We became friends, and now  _he_ works at Starbucks too! He's also staying with me currently, and we're putting up decorations as I speak.

"He...he reminds me of you a lot. You have exactly the same eyes. You would've loved him, he's amazing." I stared down at my feet, nibbling my lip. "I get worried sometimes. Worried that he might go away. I don't know why, I just...I've got a feeling. I guess I can't stop him from leaving, but I just...can't imagine a life without him. Even today when he was out shopping, I just missed him so much. I just wanted to take him in my arms and watch a good TV series with him until we fall asleep. His absence seems to create a black hole, and I feel myself propelling into it. But as soon as he's there, I'm pulled right out of it, and I feel safe again. Safe from that black hole. I've been wondering for a while now...is this something else, or just toxicity?"

It was like I expected her to answer; the last droplet of hope was driving me insane.

I chuckled with melancholy. "I need to stop talking to myself. But...I love you, sis. I hope you're out there somewhere, living your best life. I'll see you around."  
I whispered the last word. "Goodbye."

Finally, I pressed hang up, and stared at the wall in front of me breathlessly.  
At that moment, I knew I'd said everything I needed to say to her. I'd taken apart all the pieces in my heart and showered them over her. Even if she never hears the message, it's always there for her when she may need it, on her phone and her phone only, and that's what mattered. It compresses all my trust and love for her, and, opened or not, it  _existed._

I vigorously dried my eyes, forcing a smile on my face.  
I felt refreshed, and determined to move on. Move on, but never forget.

I have Dan. Jesus, I have Dan now. And it's fucking awesome.

I walked out of the bathroom, trundling back into the living room. Dan sat on the floor, cross-legged, still untangling the lights-although it looked like he was on the last loop.

His head snapped up at my presence, with a hint of worry disguised in his features. "Phil? Are you okay??" He questioned, standing up and jogging over to me. His fingertips brushed against my cheeks and gave a small frown. "You look like you've been crying..."

He merely brushed the skin of his fingers against my face, but it was enough to send a strong, pulsating current through my body that lit up all the bulbs in my brain, illuminating my happiness. A smile tugged at my lips as I gazed up at his features, recapping all of the details I'd drunk in on that night of insobriety.

_I have Dan now._

"I'm fine, Hun," I whispered, and waited in excitement for his reaction to the nickname.

As expected, his face lit up into a deep shade of red as he looked down at his feet with a bashful smile. "Hun?" He snickered, and turned his head back to me. "I like that."

"You do?"

He responded with a crimson-faced nod, causing me to chortle in amusement. He gave me an embarrassed shove. "Shush, you," he warned, but I could see his lips had curled upwards. "Let's put this tree up."

We tangled up the Christmas lights onto the tree, and I told Dan that we'd leave the light reveal until the end, to make it seem more of a surprise. He strongly agreed.

We picked through all the baubles, ranging from the glittery, shiny ones to the matte, smooth ones, and tried fitting as many on the tree as we could. Although Dan insisted on removing some of them to make it nearer, which I reluctantly let him do.

After touching it up with some silver tinsel, I let Dan do the honours of placing the big, glimmering star on the top of the tree. "This tree is going to look so amazing," Dan stated, adjusting the star so that it wasn't wonky, and then stepping back to admire it.

"I guess it's time for lights?" I said with excitement, and Dan laughed at my elation. I reached down for the remote to the Christmas lights and, after counting down from three, I clicked the button.

My eyes were lit up by the gentle glow of the lights, and a smile cracked on my face. Red and blue lights twinkled in unison, lighting up the tree as the neon reflected off of the ornaments that dangled off of the dipped branches.

The colour combination reminded me of a police siren, but the way it slowly flashed before my eyes made it somewhat calming.

"Wow!" I gasped. "It looks so amazing!"

My gaze trailed over to Dan, who stood beside me, mesmerised by the lights.  
But behind those two doors of emotion, his recollection eyes had returned, brimming out and bursting with questions left unanswered, and stones left unturned.

_What's on your mind, Hun?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas was happening as I published this on Wattpad so this felt extremely christmassy to read back


	14. chapter 13

**Dan**

_Dear Diary,_

I chewed on the end of my pencil, feeling nervous to write this entry for some reason.

_Phil's turning me into a happier person...and I hate it._

It was currently about 3:30 in the morning, and I'd been awake since 1. I don't know why I wasn't getting any sleep that night, I just felt pretty emotional. Like I could break at any moment.

It'd been a while since I'd actually written an entry in this book, but I somehow just knew that this was going to be my final entry.  
This writing shit had to come to an end—it reminded me of my dad too much.

Suddenly, I started writing, not thinking about it at all. I just wrote, and wrote, until my hand ached and I physically felt out of breath.   
I pressed in the final full stop, re-reading the mess of words I'd just thrown together.

_I hate the way he's so nice, when I don't deserve it._

_I hate the way he makes me laugh just by his smile._

_I hate the way he wants to be my friend oh so desperately._

_Because then all I can do is cry and remember what I've done._

_When my mind is bombarded, he keeps me going._

_But I'm the only one that truly knows what's going on._

_It's almost as if I'm using him. That's what any normal human would think._

_But he's just another friend who will be betrayed. Just like the others._

_One day the men they'll...come and take me away..._

_And this bond we've built together will be torn apart._

_And it wouldn't only affect him. It would affect me, too._

_But that's the thing with Phil. He makes me forget. Suddenly it feels like everything is okay..._

I paused for a few moments, before slamming the book shut. Most likely for the final time. I shoved it under my bed, collapsing onto my back and limply resting my arm over my forehead, staring up at the ceiling.

I felt him. My dad. He was peeking behind the wall of my mind, getting ready to pounce at me.  
The ceiling seemed to peel away, revealing a scary darkness, and I knew what was going on.

It'd been a while since this darkness had sucked me up, but it came without knocking.

I felt my body suspend, and I didn't even bother fighting back. I needed to accept that this was where I belonged, this was my true home...

I closed my eyes, fully prepared to embrace it, to come into contact with it, I was ready—

I heard my door click. Just like that, the black hole dissipated away, and dropped me back into my same-old senses. I hurriedly closed my eyes just as I saw the door creak open, and a small crack of the landing light poured through, which I saw through my eyelids slightly.

I next heard footsteps—which was followed by a creak as the space beside me on the bed dipped and a weight laid next to me.

"Dan?" I heard Phil whisper. The hairs on my neck stood on end as I felt his breath tingle on my skin.

He was pretty fucking close to me.

My breathing hitched for a moment, until I shifted sideways so that I faced him. I connected his eyes with mine, and despite the consequences of my emotions, I couldn't help but smile lightly at him.

"Yeah, Phil?" I whispered back.

"I...I just wanted to say that, uh," he started, a tiny blush dusting his cheeks. "you're welcome to call this place your home, that is, if you want to."

Again, I had no clue how long I'd be here for. But quite honestly? This is the only place I'd ever truly felt at home. I couldn't imagine ever living anywhere else other than by Phil's side.

My hands glided down to his hand, interlocking our fingers together and squeezing gently. "Thank you," I mumbled. "In that case, it's good to be home."

He smiled softly at me, and as we silently stared into each other's eyes, it was as if we were both awaiting  _something._ I wasn't quite sure what it was, and I feared I'd make a huge mistake if I simply guessed.

"Well, goodnight Hun," he whispered, giving me butterflies fluttering all the way up and around my skull.  
He shifted up so that he could return to his room, but something stopped him.

It even took me a moment to realise that it was me who'd halted his actions—or, rather, my hand that'd latched onto his sleeve.

He tilted his head back towards me, seemingly waiting for me to say something.  
Eventually I did, and it barely even came out as a croak.

"Stay."

A moment passed between us where we shared a gaze that spoke every truth, and every feeling, until Phil finally flipped back round to me.  
He draped the sheets over us, and I felt his arm link around my neck as we both huddled in each other's embrace, our legs twisting up together and our torsos closing all the distance once made.

My arms linked around his waist as our noses both nuzzled into each other's necks, and the small thudding of Phil's heartbeat caused my eyes to droop little by little.

I could feel my hair being twirled around his finger, which relaxed me to an extent where everything Phil did overwhelmed me with a sense of home that I hadn't even experienced before.

"You're really quite gorgeous, you know?" Phil complimented me quietly.

I giggled with embarrassment at the comment, not used to this shower of affection. "Goodnight, Lester," I simply replied, pulling away from his neck so that I could look at him once more before I slept. His face was glowing again, with that constant care.

It never really was sympathy with Phil, was it?

"Goodnight, Howell." He gazed at me for a few more seconds, giving us both a chance to drink each other in.

He then took the opportunity of eye contact to lean in, placing a small, passionate kiss on my lips, exploding every one of my nerves.

_You shouldn't be doing this._

Our lips gently smacked as we pulled apart from the kiss. His nose nudged against my own, causing an uncontrollable giggle to wrack out of my body.

_You're just gunna end up betraying him._

I rested my cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat constantly drum in my ears, and I let out a contented sigh as I closed my eyes, finally feeling tired.

_Maybe if you weren't such a faggot then your departure wouldn't be such a hardship._

I'm not listening...

_Why would he want to help a wuss like you??_

I'm not listening...

_If you don't leave now then you'll betray him even more!_

I'm not leaving...

_You'll get caught, and spend the rest of your filthy life in prison._

I'm never leaving...

_That's the only place you'll ever belong, you worthless piece of shit._

I'm home...

☾

Christmas Day rolled around, and Phil and I were ecstatic. We awoke at the usual work time, skipping round the house as we got ready.  
By the time we got outside, my voice was hoarse from singing Christmas songs.

And I'm pretty sure the neighbours were glaring at us through their windows.

We took the usual route to Covent Garden, bursting through the door with an excitement that could terrify anyone who isn't used to our presence.

"Merry Christmas, guys!" Pj laughed as we fast-walked up to him.

I've never had a Christmas that was  _this_ exciting before, so I grasped ahold of it with two hands.

I had such a good feeling about today.

I really felt like I'd begun to let go of my problems. I'd finally learnt how to ignore my dad, and focus on the things that made me truly happy.  
Sure, the past is onto my ass—but the future's pulling me through. That was the main thing.

The fact that we had a shift on Christmas Day actually made things better. Being able to wish customers a Merry Christmas and mess around with my best friends was amazing. Christmases were usually traumatic for me one way or another—but I refused to think about that.

We finished work early as it was Christmas, but we suggested that Pj should come back and have Christmas with us, which he was pretty happy about. We also invited all our other colleagues, but they said that they'd arrive later as they had families to tend to, which was understandable.

But there was one word swirling round and round in my head as we took our route back.

_Home._

It was weird to think that if it weren't for Phil, I'd have lost track of the days; still be bundled up on that wretched bench. I never realised how lucky these turn of events really were.

We turned the corner to home— _home_ —where I saw the tree blaring its lights through the glass. They kind of made me feel sick, in all honesty. I guess it was just their colours.

Kind of like a siren.

I felt a hand slip into mine discreetly, and I looked over at Phil with slight shock. He stared ahead and continued his conversation with Pj as if the contact hadn't even been shared—but I could see the faint outline of his cheekbones, glowing crimson red.   
I let out a chuckle, giving his hand a squeeze.

He couldn't keep his calm if he tried.

We bustled through the door, and Phil'd already rushed into the living room, yelling behind his shoulder: "Let's open these damn presents!"

Pj and I guffawed at his childishness, following him into the living room.  
Phil was crouched under the tree, causing all the pine needles to collapse onto his back as he reached for the gifts that were buried under the tree, which was twinkling with the red and blue.

Kind of like a siren.

He beckoned us both over, and we gathered around the tree with amusement as Phil scurried out with a gathering of wrapped presents. His hair was completely covered with the pine needles. "I have your presents, Pj!" He beamed, handing them over.

"Thanks Phil," he chuckled, pretending not to notice his hair. I quickly reached over, brushing them out of his hair with a small giggle. For a moment we exchanged a look that communicated all the pent-up affection, and a blush immediately erupted onto my face, causing me to avert my gaze before the crimson became purple.

We watched Pj as he unwrapped all his gifts, and he seemed to really like the dog jumper I bought him, which was great to watch as his expression changed to one of brilliant elation. To be honest, Pj was just as much a child as the rest of us, he was just good at hiding it.

Although when it came to Christmas, his childishness spilled through the edges as a result of extremely high volume.

We kept working through the gifts, with Christmas music playing in the background and a light, comfortable conversation flowing—there was truly no place I'd rather be.

I realised that Phil was incredible at buying presents. He'd bought me many scented candles, some new headphones, a pair of silk slippers (which I immediately put on) and many more that I just couldn't even get over. They were very "Dan" presents.  
Although, he reserved one present that I had to open later—which I had also done with his necklace.

"Ooh, mystery gift eh?" Pj said, suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.

"Shut up Pj," Phil laughed, giving him a playful shove as I covered my heated cheeks with my long sleeves.

We spent a long time chatting about random stuff (and singing along to the Christmas songs) until Phil bought something up that I somehow knew he'd mention.

"Oh, did you know that Dan can sing, Pj?" He asked.

My head snapped up, giving him a look of warning as he simply smiled at me with what  _looked_ like innocence, but really wasn't.

"What!?" Pj exclaimed, placing down his almost-empty coffee. "Dan you never told me!"

"I'm not singing, Phil," I told him, still giving him the look.

He then gave me that pout that melted the cold edges of my statement, and I groaned. I really shouldn't have fallen for that face so easily—but it was just so damn adorable.

"Come on Dan, he's giving you that look," Pj laughed. "He won't take no for an answer."

After a moment of looking from Pj to Phil, I sighed and got up to fetch the guitar. "Fucking hell," I groaned, and they both laughed in victory.

I shuffled back, placing the guitar on my lap and tuning it. "Well, what do you want me to sing?" I asked in defeat as I turned the tuning knobs.

" _Can't help falling in love_ by Elvis Presley," I heard Phil suggest. I turned my gaze to him, and he gave me a serious, flushed expression.

I couldn't tell whether that was communicating something, but I couldn't really dwell on it for long.

"Phil that's not a Christmas song," Pj complained with an eye roll.

"It doesn't have to be! Plus if I hear one more Christmas song I will strangle myself with tinsel," Phil said honestly, and we both laughed at his truth.

"Agh whatever, I love that song and that's the main thing," Pj sighed, looking over at me.

I couldn't really escape this now as they both stared at me hopefully. I breathed out of my nose nervously, and positioned my fingers to the first chord.

I began the strumming pattern, and the overwhelming feeling I got when playing music came back to me, tumbling down on my shoulders. Suspended in a constant wave of delicately-plucked chords and vibrating metal strings—the feeling wasn't escapable.

I ran my tongue over my chapped lips, the action I've always had a habit of doing before singing, and rang out the first lines.

_Wise men say,_   
_Only fools rush in,_   
_But I can't help,_   
_Falling in love with you._

I couldn't bring myself to look up off the floor as I felt a particular pair of blue eyes boring a hole, almost gently, into me.  
I was too crimson at that moment.

_Shall I stay,_   
_Would it be a sin?_   
_If I can't help,_   
_Falling in love with you._

I felt the world gently collapse around my form, and suddenly it was just me and my guitar simply floating atop of an infinite supply of light. My gaze lifted up, staring into the white blur that would've been the ceiling. Through the light, I saw the flashes of red and blue from the tree as it reflected into my eyes.

Kind of like a siren.

_Like a river flows,_   
_Surely to the sea,_   
_Darling so it goes,_   
_Some things, are meant to be._

A chill ran laps around my spine as the lyrics brushed against my heart, like a feather's touch but softer. So much softer. It was comfort from the chaos in my head, and boy, was it working.

_Take my hand,_

But...

_Take my whole life too,_

...it's not enough for me.

_Cause I can't help,_

It'll never be enough.

_Falling in love with you._

But...Phil is.

A small part of reality had struck as I felt his presence. I felt him, staring at me as if I was the fucking world. As if the shit with my dad didn't even matter. As if I, Dan Howell, was an innocent boy with a life to live.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, and tell him to run away, to sprint whilst you still can.   
Just...run.

Hah. But that's not going to happen, is it?

My gaze left the floor, finding his eyes through the strange mixture of the light and dark.

Grey.

_Cause I can't help,_

You're never going to leave me, are you?

_Falling in love,_

You'll just take me to bed, giving me a gentle kiss on the forehead, and utter the words that'll work as our superglue.

_With,_

'Goodnight, Hun.'

_You._

The more the final chord rang out, the more I came back into the room. I felt breathless, and quite exhausted. Connecting with something like that just made me want to collapse into the hands of sleep and curl up there forever.

"Dan..." Pj whispered, letting out a sigh that sounded like a laugh. "...You can sing. Like,  _really_ sing."

To be honest, I couldn't even focus on the way I was singing. I'd just disconnected myself, uttering the lyrics and analyzing them just like a poetic paragraph. But it was good that it sounded alright too, I suppose.

"Thanks," I said sheepishly, glancing over at Phil.

He almost looked giddy, and I know that he felt it.

He felt it, too.

We didn't have much longer to dwell on it, as we heard the doorbell ringing.  
"I-I'll get it," I stammered, taking that opportunity to shoot up from the floor and escape the gazing of an affectionate Phil.

We welcomed all the guests in, feeling comforted that it was all people we knew and not like Pj's party.  
This was more of a get-together, much to my delight.

We realized that our Christmas lunch was still there on the table, so instead of Christmas lunch, we all had Christmas dinner. Phil found a way to squeeze all the chairs around the table, and although it was very cozy, nothing mattered to us other than the gathering of all our colleagues.

I don't think I'd ever eaten so much in my life, but it was Christmas so I guess it was okay to be a pig.

I thought it'd be awkward but the conversation was actually very chilled. Many people who didn't often talk with each other actually became quite good friends.

The sun began to go down—way too early for my liking—and we'd all poured the champagne, ready to take a sip, when Phil stood up.  
Everyone quietened down, looking over at Phil who clinked his fork against his glass to get their attention. "U-Uh, I just wanna propose a toast," he started. "I just wanna thank Pj first of all, he's always been there for me, especially when I was going through a tough time with getting a job and stuff. I wouldn't be celebrating if it weren't for him."

Pj earned many respectful nods and smiles, which he was admittedly, very happy about.

Then, Phil's gaze turned to me. My face dropped, trying to send him a mental 'don't do it' message—but whether he got it or not clearly wouldn't have mattered.

"I won't go on for too long, but I need to also end this toast with Dan. We met a few months ago, but in all honesty it feels like my whole life. I'm really glad that I have company at home now."

_Home, home, home._  There it was again. I couldn't get enough of the word.

"I really hope you're happy here—"

"—I am," I barely whispered, and we exchanged a smile that spoke volume. Maybe even for too long that felt comfortable.

"W-Well, I'd like to propose a toast, on that note," Phil announced, raising his glass. "To Pj and Dan!"

A chorus of 'To Pj and Dan's was said in unison, and everyone clinked their glasses and took their sips of champagne before regular conversation resumed.

My eyes stayed on Phil, half mad that he'd dedicated his Christmas toast to me, half admiring him. There's a lot of things I would've said about Phil, if it weren't for my lack of confidence. Good thing I was confident enough to say those things later.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and I took it out, smiling as I read the message.

_ Phil: _ _Can we step outside for a sec? I wanna give you your present x_

I turned my head up at that damn dork, who sat with his phone in his hand and a big grin on his face.

_Dan:_ _Why are you texting me you spork? x_

_ Phil: _ _Because I felt like it. x_

_ Dan: _ _Weirdo x_

_Phil:_ _Nerd :P x_

I laughed down at our short and strange conversation, and proceeded to getting up from the dinner table and jogging into the living room. I knelt down, reaching back behind the blaring tree.

Kind of like a siren.

I grabbed my carefully wrapped gift from the opened pile, and raced through the hallway to the back garden.  
I peeked out from the doorway, seeing Phil waiting there with a wrapped box in his hands. The moon had reflected onto his skin, making his face glow which contrasted with his dark hair. His eyes sparkled with his own stars and the ones above, making them look like a selection of the finest, polished crystals.

"Hey," I whispered, stepping outside into the chilly breeze.

He saw me, and instantly smiled. "Hi Hun," he greeted softly. He instantly wrapped me in his warm embrace, in which I hugged him back just as tightly. A wave of safety rushed over me as his body warmth effortlessly deflected the cold air around us.

_Home._

"I loved your song," he told me in my ear, gently swaying as my cheek rested on his shoulder. "You have a really beautiful voice."

I pulled away so that I could give him a nose-scrunch smile. "It's not  _that_ difficult to sing," I admitted.

"You wanna try me?" He asked jokingly, and I laughed hysterically as he started singing a line of the song in an incredibly low, opera voice. In all honesty, didn't sound  _X Factor_ worthy.

"You strange person," I teased as our noses brushed together softly.   
I suddenly remembered the present and quickly pulled away to grab it out of my pocket. I placed the box in his opened palms. "Merry Christmas, Phil."

"Why thank you, Hun," he giggled, pecking my forehead and carefully tugging on the ribbon to undo the bow.

It was when he removed the lid that his whole face lit up along with the blue stones that sparkled in the moonlight. An uncontrollable grin erupted on my features as he gazed down at it in awe. "Dan," he choked out with a laugh. "This is so adorable." He pointed at the middle of it excitedly. "It has that picture of us in it!"

"Yeah!" I laughed, craning my neck to look at the picture again.  
It was that day when Phil and I were on the final episode of  _Breaking Bad,_ with nothing but a bowl of snacks separating us as we sat on the couch, beaming and holding our thumbs up at the camera. It felt very appropriate to save that moment, and it definitely came in handy in the end.

I took the necklace out of the box, instructing Phil to turn around so that I could wrap it round his neck and clip it on. It was quite a fiddly process, but we managed just fine.  
He swiveled around, admiring the gift like it was a valuable metal. "Dan...thank you so much, I love it," he whispered, placing a hand over the locket as a loving gesture. "That kind of makes me nervous about mine now."

"Phil, it's a great gift to simply be here today, and that can't be compared to any expensive gift out there..." I told him, a bit too seriously. I quickly laughed to lighten the statement. "Sorry, I got a bit deep there."

Phil waited for a moment, then gripped onto my hands and ran his thumbs over my wrists. "Never feel unwelcome Dan, got that?"

I nodded, but I knew I was lying.  
I didn't really feel welcome anywhere, let alone my, what I now call, home. I'm just this burden dragging everyone I love down, infecting their minds until—

—No. I have to be positive for Phil.

"Well, time for my present!" Phil exclaimed, pulling a similar box out of his pocket, probably a tad smaller. He handed it over, and I took it into my slightly shaky hands.  
I wasn't too sure why I was nervous.

I began to slowly unwrap the mystery box. I revealed the lid and immediately let out a tiny gasp.  
Inside the velvety container, there sat a beautiful, silver bracelet, which glimmered with ruby-red stones, and was all joined together by a golden chain. There were a few of the silver balls that had letters instead of crystals on them, and I read them out loud as they sat in a row.

" _Home,_ " I read, welling up with tears and shaking my head. "Jesus, Phil. It's...perfect."

A tear escaped my eye, and his hand made its way to my cheek. "Hey," he whispered, wiping the tear away with his thumb. "No tears."

"They're happy tears," I chuckled hoarsely, carefully putting on the bracelet and admiring it. I met my eyes with his. "Thank you, Philly."

"Wow," he replied. "That's the first time you've called me that sober."

I laughed gently with him. "I guess it is."

He guided my arms around so that they slung around his shoulders, pulling me closer to him. "There's this song I heard on the radio the other day, surprisingly not a Christmas song," Phil joked. "but I really liked it. I could imagine you singing it."

"You think so?" I blushed, zooming in on all the different colours in his eyes.

"I know so," he chuckled, and his hand moved to his pocket to take out his phone. "It's called Stay by Post Malone."

He tapped on the song, placing his phone back in his pocket as it played through the speaker. A mixture of acoustic instruments and husky yet calming male vocals danced into my eardrums, and I knew I liked it already.  
My chin rested against his shoulder, and I giggled as we swayed slowly to the song.

_It's true,_   
_That all that you know is all that you are._

A few mere moments later, I could see white, falling snowflakes begin to drift around us. I pulled back for a second, smiling with excitement. "Look, it's snowing!"

His head tilted back to admire the falling snow as it gracefully swirled past us and onto the ground. A few dots landed on Phil's hair, and I laughed at his expression when he acknowledged it.

I'd never understood the concept of "perfect". I've always thought of it as an impossible word, yet still somehow used in our everyday English language. I've never recognized it as something that has truly existed; it's more of a fantasy thing you'd only see in stories and fairytales—so why do people use it?

At that moment I realized, that it's up to you. Once you witness something that, in your eyes, is so beautiful and where you want to be, then it is. It is flawless, perfect, however you'd want to put it.

Right now, I can't think of any other place to be other than out here in the snow with my best friend, listening to music.

Right now, home is perfect.

_Tell me that it's all okay,_   
_I've been waitin' on this all damn day._

"I like this song," I mumbled through the material of Phil's coat as we moved like trees in the breeze.

_Call me in the morning,_   
_Tell me how last night went,_   
_I'm here._

"You think you'd be able to cover it?" He giggled, and I nudged his sides, making him squeak.

I knew I wasn't exactly terrible at singing, but I never was content with sharing music with others. I feel I was the only one, as someone who sings, who kinda felt like that.

_But don't count on me to,_   
_Stay a little longer if you convince me,_   
_And tell me all the things that you have against me,_   
_Every time we make-up, the truth is fadin'_   
_Everybody's blind when the view's amazin'_   
_Damn, who are we right now?_

Phil let out a sigh after a moment of comfortable silence, and his grip suddenly tightened around my waist. I would've used to flinch at tight contact made—probably not used to my dad's death—but instead of fear, comfort would fill my body, and I felt safe.

"Dan, I..." he whispered, stumbling over his words. "I...I don't know if I can let you leave."

My body stiffened, and a wave of guilt rushed over me. "What makes you think I'm leaving?" I asked him.

"I've had a feeling for a while," he answered, and continued on. "Please...don't. Don't go."

My words faltered on forming a sentence, and I suddenly felt something that I couldn't describe, but it was screaming at me to stay with him.

Deep down, I really wanted to.  
I didn't wanna leave.

"Phil I...I don't know what's going to happen," I whispered. "But it's—"

"—I'll take care of you, we can go wherever you want, we can do whatever you want," he choked, and I pulled my face away from his shoulder so that I could look at him. I could see tears beginning to form in his eyes. "I just can't ever lose you, I—"

"—Phil, calm down sweetheart," I shushed him, placing one of my cold hands on his warm cheek. His eyes squeezed together to reverse the tears' direction, and he rested his hand on the one that caressed his face.

I didn't know what to say to him. I truly couldn't imagine a life without Phil being there, it's like I've been living in black and white all my life, and he finally began to add saturation and colour to it.   
But if he ever found out what I did, I'd have to go.

Fortunately, it's been a long time since the day I took my dad's life. As far as I'm aware, no one's even suspected anything.  
Maybe...maybe I've still got a while. Maybe it'll take years to come up.

Maybe I'm okay for now.  
Maybe  _we're_ okay for now.

Phil stared up at me, his eyes now glistening with not tears, but emotion, as he awaited something from me that I was yet to figure out.

He shook his head, dropping his hand and hanging his head. "I'm sorry," he sighed sadly.

"No, don't be," I whispered, touching my forehead with his. "I...I'm staying."

His eyes flickered up to mine and his eyebrows raised, filled with hopefulness. "Really?" He croaked.

I nodded in response, and realized that I genuinely meant it.  
I only had one reason to leave him, and I don't know when that'll even happen. Until then, I knew I'd stay. Phil motivates me in every way, and I probably wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him.

He was my best friend. I couldn't lose him either.

Phil sighed shakily, clutching my waist. "I'm acting so clingy, I know I am, but...you've changed me. No one has ever made me feel this way before, and for the longest time I've wondered why.  _Why_ do I have this overwhelming trust and care for you all the time?  _Why_ am I so scared to lose you?  _Why_ does my stomach almost make me physically sick from the butterflies I get when I see you? Well Dan," he looked up at me with a teary smile on his face. "I think I know why now."

_I'm here,_   
_But don't count on me to stay._

"W-What is it?" I asked him quietly, feeling my heartbeat begin to race.

Silence broke as the song ended on those powerful words, and his palms cupped my burning cheeks. His eyes were only focused on mine and his pupils were dilated. "D-Dan...I—"

_Ring ring. Ring ring._

We froze for a few seconds, frowning in confusion. Phil checked his phone to see if it was his, but strangely, it was  _my_ phone that vibrated in my jeans pocket.

I hurriedly got it out, looking down at the name of the caller.

_No Caller ID._

"You're the only one who calls me, Phil," I gulped.

I don't know why I suddenly had such a terrible feeling.

"Maybe it's a wrong number?" He suggested, still flushed from our closeness a minute ago.

"I'm gonna answer it anyway," I said, looking at him with a small smile. "I'll be right back."

"Alright," he said, and quickly pecked his lips against mine and sending fuzzy feelings racing through my veins.

I walked back into the house, going through and standing in the hallway as I anxiously stared down at the ringing screen.

It had to be a wrong number.  
Surely it was.

I slowly pressed  _'Answer'_ and gradually raised it to my ear. "H-Hello?"

" _Oh my God!_ " I heard a voice say hysterically through the phone. " _D-Dan that's you, right??_ "

"Y-Yeah, who is this?" I asked nervously.

I heard a small sob escape the person's lips before they answered. " _It's me, it's Tyler. I-I'm sorry, but I needed to call—_ "

"—What the fuck are you doing calling me?!" I hissed into the receiver. "You're putting yourself in even more danger!"

I was annoyed that he'd called—but at the same time, it felt incredibly calming to hear his voice again. I didn't realize how much I missed him and Louise until I heard him again.

" _I'm calling from a h-hidden phone, no one w-will know,_ " he spluttered, still hysterically crying. " _Oh my God, Dan. I'm so so sorry, I can't b-believe this is h-happeni—_ "

"—Tyler, take a deep breath, tell me what's going on," I told him, although my mind was screaming with fear.

" _There's no time for deep breaths!_ " He wept. " _Just...turn on the TV, Dan_."

No.

My hands grabbed the remote, stabbing the  _on_ button.

And there I was. My picture was on the screen, along with a female reporter. My eyes widened and I felt like I was gunna throw up as I listened to what she was saying.

" _The son of the man, Daniel James Howell, is said to have killed his own father, hid his body in his garden shed, and run off. He'd left some evidence on the man's body, and a close neighbor was said to have seen him just before he left._ "

I almost screamed when Pat suddenly appeared on the screen, surrounded by many microphones which greedily feasted on the information like crazy cannibals.

" _He was acting very strange when he opened the door, and despite the fact that I'm just an old lady selling cookies, I could tell that Daniel was acting different. For many months I had no reply when knocking on the door, and I only recently went with someone else to investigate. We were horrified to discover his father's body in his shed—which explained why he had a blood splatter on his face before he left!"_

I gagged from the thought of my dead father and the thought that I was officially caught.

" _Dan?_ " I heard Tyler weep over the phone. " _Wherever you are right now...run. Please, run away_."

Tyler continued to try and direct me, but it was simply heard but not processed. My dad was cackling in my brain at that moment, and I clawed at my hair and hung up the phone. I shoved it in my pocket, letting out a panicked whimper.

Suddenly, the TV paused.

The blood drained from my face, and I dreaded to turn around. I dreaded to face the betrayal, the anger, the  _sadness..._

As soon as I did, I got what I expected.  
Phil stood there with his eyes brimming with tears of hurt as his eyebrows knotted together into a sad frown.

Silence passed between us as I watched Phil's reaction as his heart tore apart, like a fragile piece of paper.

I took a step back, pressing against the wall. "P-Phil, I'm...I'm not going to hurt you. I swear I'm not."

He continued to give me the look of sadness, which made me want to just disappear.

I let out a shaky sigh. "I know you're horrified by this, but Jesus, I would never even  _think_ to hurt you—"

"—Why didn't you tell me, Dan?" He asked me quietly, shaking his head. "I thought you trusted me with everything. Why would you suffer in silence like this...?"

I didn't know what to say.  
Had he missed the point? Had he missed the fact that I've taken someone's life?? Had he missed the fact that I'm on the run from the police??

"Dan...why didn't you tell me you were in trouble?" He whispered, leaning against the doorframe from the shock of it all.

I looked up at him with sad confusion. "Do you not see why?" I croaked, my voice thick with an unreleased sob. "I've  _killed someone,_ Phil. How could I tell you that you're living with a...murderer?"

He let out a ridiculous laugh. "You!? A murderer!? Piss off, Dan. I  _know_ there's an explanation. But that doesn't even matter—if you'd have told me, then I'd have  _helped_ you, Dan! I'd have  _protected_ you—"

"—No Phil, I can't get you twisted up in this shit, that's why I left my friends, that's why I couldn't get close to you! Oh my God," I sobbed, tears flowing down my face. "I've made such a terrible mistake, I believed that our friendship would be okay, oh my God, I should never have stayed here..."

Why did I ever believe that this would end well?? All that bullshit I was thinking when I fantasised that the body would never be found—why the fuck would I ever even consider that!?

"I don't give a crap that you've killed someone, Dan!" He stressed, taking a step forwards.

I shook my head at him. "Well you should!" I said loudly. "It could get a lot of people in trouble!!"

"That's not what matters to me! Just  _listen!"_ he exclaimed. "What matters is that you didn't tell me sooner, and all this time you were facing this on your own. You have no clue how much this frustrates me because I just wanna  _be there_ for you, no matter what you've done!"

"No! Phil this is ridiculous!!" I yelled, clawing at my head and weeping. "I just don't understand!"

"What don't you understand, Dan??" He said softer, looking down at me sadly.

I wanted him to tell me to leave. Just so that I could get away, just so that I could save him from getting in trouble—but he was still trying to solve me, with a determination that I just didn't get.

"I just..." I strained, sniffing violently. "...Why don't you care, Phil? Why aren't you afraid??"

Tears started to glisten in his eyes. "Dan, please don't make me say it—"

"—Say  _what,_ Phil!?" I snapped. "What explanation do you have?? Because I honestly have  _no damn clue_ right now!!"

His gaze trailed to the floor, and tears fell from his eyes. Deep down I just wanted to go up to him and hug out all the tears and the pain, but I was just so  _confused_ that I found myself overtaken by this frustrating force, and I couldn't rest until I found out what the hell is stopping him from running.

I watched him with mad eyes as he didn't reply. I marched up to him. "Go on then! Tell me why! Why the actual  _fuck_ do you still fucking trust me after all of this!?!?  _Why_ —"

"—Because I love you!!"

A deafening silence exploded around the room as we stood there, gasping for air.

It was those words, "I love you" that knocked some sense into me. Everything made sense, and the answer was simple.

I should've run away from Phil a long time ago.

Because those three words, in this instance, have such a deeper meaning to it. Him saying that, shows that he doesn't care that I have blood on my hands. He's spoken the words that say, he wants to take my hand in his and jump headfirst into the problems with me.

I suddenly knew what I needed to do.

"P-Phil," I sniffled, taking a step back from him. "T-That's exactly why I need to go."

He stifled a sob with his hand. "N-No, I won't let you! I'll keep you safe, just like I said—"

"—I've dragged you down to the extent of  _love,_ Phil," I wobbled, shaking my head. "We  _can't_ go any further than that, or you'll end up going to jail. I would never forgive myself if that happened."

"I don't give a fuck if I go to jail or not, Dan," he whispered shakily, trying to take hold of my hands.

It hurt to do, but I shrugged them away. I couldn't even bear to look up at his face. "Well, I do care," I said simply.

"Please don't do this," he sniffed. "L-Let's run away together then, I'll go with you—"

"—Stop making this harder than it already is!" I choked, vigorously wiping my sodden eyes. "I'm sorry for what I've put you through, please just forget about me."

"I could never do that, please don't do this Dan—"

"—Hey Phil!" I heard Pj call from the kitchen, sounding a little bit drunk. "We're all gunna get going now, come in here so I can give you a Christmas hug, dude!"

Laughter and joy was heard from the room, which completely juxtaposed with us.

Phil violently wiped his eyes, looking at me in the eyes. I couldn't bear to stare up at them, as they desperately tried not to spill with the salty, unwanted water.

"Stay here. I'll be back."

There was a few seconds before he practically tore his eyes away from me, leaving me in the living room with a slam of the door.

_I told you that you should leave. But you've never listened to your father, have you son?_

Just like that, my dad returned after all that time. But instead of going crazy, I let him speak.

_If you don't leave now, then that'll probably drag you_ both  _to jail, so I suggest you take this opportunity to run._

And for once, I listened to my dad.

I walked over to the window, opening it and exhaling a shaky breath as the breeze whipped through my curls, sending a chill of uncertainty down my back.

_Awh, poor little Phillip. You broke his little heart, didn't you? Well guess what, Howell? The longer you stay, the further he'll fall._

I sniffed harshly, looking back at the living room. The place where we watched anime, ate snacks, talked together—this was the last time I could see it.

I wanted to stay, but I couldn't do this to him.

I swung my legs over, shrugging myself off the edge and landing on the grass with a small thud.  
I turned back to the house, smiling up at it sadly.

Home.

With that, I ran off into the darkness of the night, whispering one final thing to myself as home went out of sight.

"Goodbye, Phil. Thank you for saving me."

☾

**Phil**

As soon as I'd walked into the empty living room, I knew he'd run away.

I raced over to the window which was flung wide open, grabbing onto the frame and frantically leaning out and whipping my head around the porch. It was now dark outside; a pitch black had inked the sky and darkened my vision. The strong breeze battled through my hair, and for once the atmosphere hadn't calmed me one bit.

"Dan!!" I screamed into the empty, open air. It felt especially empty without him here. He was the main jigsaw piece to my puzzled mind, and I could almost feel the wind race through the empty part where Dan should've been.

As a result of the deafening silence I got in return for my call, my first instinct was to ring Pj.  
Pj was quick to answer me. "Phil," he said gravely. "I saw the—"

"—Pj he's gone! He's left and I don't know where he is and it's driving me insane!" I sobbed into the speaker.

"Phil, calm down, listen to me," he began. "He left because he's been caught for who he really is. You should, quite frankly, be relieved that he didn't hurt you."

After taking in his answer, I roared with angry laughter. "He isn't like that, Pj! He told me all that's happened with his dad and it all matches up now!!"

"You need to consider the fact that he may have most likely been lying to you!" He yelled through the speaker. "You can't trust people that have done something like this!"

An overwhelming anger washed over me as my protective side crashed around me like an obscene tidal wave. "You weren't there, Pj," I began, with a low voice of warning. "You weren't there when he cried nearly every night for weeks over a secret he kept to himself. You weren't there when he told me all that's happened to him. You didn't..." I paused to hold back another sob as my voice dangerously wobbled. "...you didn't  _see_ what I saw. The marks on his skin. The fear in his eyes. You can  _never_ truly know unless you've seen it yourself, Pj."

There was a small pause before Pj asked me something. "Well, in that case, Phil—did you actually physically  _witness_ Dan being abused by his father? Did you actually  _see_ Dan when he killed his father?"

"N-No, but I—"

"—Words are words, Phil. Especially in this situation. When so much trust has been lost like this, mere words are like a tiny bump on the shoulder. They lose their meaning."

I shook my head. "I trust him, Pj."

"Then you need to get your head out of your ass and see the reality in all this," Pj hissed, his tone suddenly switching to irritation. "If you don't then a lot of innocent people are gunna get hurt. I suggest you stop being so selfish and tell the fucking police that you've seen him!"

At that moment, I'd had enough of Pj's so-called "advice", so I ended the call with a warning.

"If you dare tell the police then you can forget our fucking friendship."

I hung up and chucked the phone on the floor. I sank down against the wall, hugging my knees as I sobbed hysterically, mumbling Dan's name over and over, wishing he was here.

I would never tell the police. What's the point anyway?? If you believe someone is innocent then there's no point in telling the fucking police.

None of this seemed right. It wasn't right at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The storm has begun. You can tell as this is nearly 8000 words long, and that's a lot for me


	15. chapter 14

**Phil**

"Dan..." I croaked into the phone, raising the glass to my lips to sip the bittersweet alcohol that my body had relied on so much.  
The gentle kiss of a glass didn't even come close to matching up with the gentle kiss from someone you love.

I took a big swig, downing the rest of the drink and feeling myself go even more lightheaded, gradually tipping me over the edge of sobriety.

"D-Dan..." I repeated, a little more clearer this time, but still wobbly. "It's been...six months, Hun."

I still couldn't believe how long it'd been. I still had no clue where he's gone, or if he's even alive.

"...I just wanna talk. I'm sorry I yelled at you that day, I could never hate you. Just...call me back, okay? I miss you."

I limply pressed the  _end call_ button for what seemed like and possibly was the 100th time, and hung my head.

The date was now the 25th of June, so I guess it was a mourning anniversary, which I mostly spent hugging a bottle of wine and dialling the same numbers, over and over. I'd memorised the sequence of numbers so well that I could say them backwards now.

Who am I kidding? I don't only do this on an "anniversary." I've done this everyday since Dan left.

I've missed so many days of work, I've become reliant on alcohol, and I just can't get Dan out of my head.   
I couldn't get my head around the fact that I'd lost him. I just refused to accept it. The night he left, I didn't stop leaving him countless messages and voicemails, but he never even opened them.

He could be dead for all I know.  
I break into a cold sweat just thinking of that possibility.

It was only recently that I realised how this whole malarkey was weirdly like Lav. Getting through that was hard enough—and now another person I love has left, scurrying away from my life with no explanation.

Sighing, I craned my neck over to the digital clock to check the time.

_7:30._

I promised myself I'd go to work today, even though I was slightly tipsy already and was suffering from a banging headache. I rolled out of bed and began getting ready.

I stood in front of the mirror, cringing at the sight I saw. My dark eye bags were getting more and more prominent after each sleepless night, and my pale skin had even began to look grey. I was like a walking grey cloud.

I dragged myself out the door and took the usual route, shuffling onto the train, feeling the strings attached to my mouth pulling down and securing itself. As the world whizzed past me through the window, I thought about what my future was gonna be like without Dan. I guess I'll move on, get married and start a family, and just...live a normal life.

But I'll never get to see Dan's eyes again. I'll never get to hear the sweet sound of his singing voice again, in harmony with the strings that gently pounded against his nails. I'll never have that same connection with anyone, because it was Dan, and Dan  _only._

I gazed down at the picture nestled into the blue stones on the necklace, running a finger over it and sighing. Simply seeing Dan smile in the photo tugged at the corners of my mouth, and I could almost hear his laughter simply from looking at it.  
I could feel every damn emotion in this necklace, and after being at loss from that indescribable feeling for six whole months, it ended up aching instead of fluttering.

I clutched onto it, clasping it to my chest for a few moments before I finally let go, and it continued to dangle from my neck. I made sure to hide it so that no thirsty witnesses could question me on why the so-called murderer of his father was on my necklace.

They know nothing.

I walked off of the train, and as usual, got many stares of fake sympathy. It's not like they knew that I was sheltering Dan, presumably they could just see that I'm no longer happy Phil. I guess my mask of happiness has finally been unraveled, it's there for the world to see. That was just what honesty does sometimes.

I turned the corner to Starbucks—and I froze at the sight I saw.  
Police cars had crowded into the cooped-up street, and officers were walking into the very place that I worked in.

My mind had immediately gone to the bad place, and I instantly feared the worst.  
I raced over there, panting like a dog as I skidded in and frantically looked around.

About five officers were stood around Pj, all with a notebook and pen in each of their hands. Pj was talking to them all, and they listened intently as they scribbled things onto their notebooks in a rushed manner, cramming as much information onto the page as they could.

As soon as Pj caught my eye, his face instantly filled with guilt. I was eager to find the message behind that sinful expression.

I fast-walked over to him, practically barging past the officers. "What's going on?!" I demanded.

"Is this Phil Lester?" one of the policemen interrupted before Pj could even answer.

What was this? Why did they know my name? Had they found something?

I looked over to Pj for an explanation, but he simply gazed down at the floor sadly. "Yes," he mumbled. "That's him."

I went to demand for answers, but I once again got interrupted by the main police officer. "Okay Phil," he turned to me. "We just want to ask you a few questions, that's all. It will only take a minute."

Then, I realized.

A wave of betrayal washed over me as I stared down at Pj in disbelief. "What are the questions for?" I asked bitterly, not taking my eyes off of Pj.

"These are about Daniel James Howell who has been said by Pj to have worked here for about two months," he answered, and it took every part of me not to pounce at Pj and scream why he would do this. Why he would break this situation even more than it already has been.

I didn't  _want_ to talk about Dan, I didn't  _want_ to put him in danger—but now I'm being forced to do both of these things. I knew I'd get very mad at Pj later, but I instantly knew that I was not going to help the police find Dan in any way.

"Fine," I sighed, folding my arms as the main police officer prepared his notebook and pen.

His name tag read 'Bob Pancakes'.

"Pj you can go now, thanks for the contribution to our research on the investigation," Bob said with a friendly nod at him.

I couldn't even look at Pj at that moment; I couldn't believe he'd done this. I wondered why he acted like those two months of knowing him as a good person didn't even happen. Because it did. It did happen. A friendship was formed, and he's just decided to flush it all down the drain like it was a piece of filth.  
It really angered me that he gave up on Dan like that, it wasn't right.

Everyone deserves a chance.

Pj nodded at Bob, sighing and walking off with his head hanging in what looked like shame.

"So Phil," Bob began, and I mentally prepared myself in being careful at what I said. "Pj tells me that you were the first one to meet Daniel."

"Yes that's correct," I said, trying to be as brief as possible with my answers.

"How did you two meet?" He pressed on.

"He was homeless at the time, I bought him coffee because I thought he'd like one, and then everything just went from there I guess," I shrugged.

I'd twisted the truth a little bit; I knew that none of this would've happened if Dan hadn't coincidentally bumped into me in the place I worked in—but I didn't want to delve back into the past too much, it held too many memories that I'd done a good job of drowning out for a while now.

He scribbled onto his pad, nodding. "I've also been told that you had "special relations" with him," he air-quoted, and I instantly wanted to vomit from the sickly remembrance of the way he used to hold me, the way he used to make me smile until my cheeks hurt. I missed it. I missed it too much.

"Why is this relevant?" I unexpectedly blurted.

"Well we just need some back-up information to learn more about Daniel, it's nothing to be scared of, it's just some extras so that we can join the dots more easily," he explained, but that didn't convince me one bit.  
This was just pure nosiness. It wasn't for "extra information" or shit like that, because why would you need to know that?

"Okay fine, yeah I did," I muttered, knowing that it wouldn't have mattered if I'd said it or not either way.  
I didn't care whether or not  _I_ got arrested at this point, I was only focused on protecting Dan.

Although it was getting pretty darn difficult to protect the information when Pj was spurting out bullshit to the police.

After more scribbling, he asked one last question. "Did you offer him any forms of sanctuary? If you did then we'd obviously need to investigate your house and premises to fully confirm that he's not still there, but Pj tells us that you had no idea of his situation until it popped up on the television."

I didn't want them fucking investigating my home! Who did they think they were?!

Again, how is searching my house going to help?? Dan stayed at my house for all that time, but do I have any idea where he is right now? No, no I don't. So I don't see how this is going to count as a dot to join up.

But I really didn't want to risk the police finding him. If they somehow found him using that info, I'd never forgive myself.

"No." I said it simply.

Bob gave me an unconvinced look. "Phil, it is against the law to lie to a police officer you know," he warned me. "I'll give you one chance and one chance only. Did you offer Dan—"

"—Yes," Pj walked over and answered for me, in which I had to suppress shoving him into oblivion. "He did. But he had no idea at the time, it wasn't his fault, officer. Please believe me."

There he goes again, planting all the blame on Dan. Who was once a close friend and colleague to him. If anyone was betraying me, it wasn't Dan at all. It was fucking Pj.

Bob let out a heavy sigh, writing it down. "Thank you for your honesty," he thanked us, although I wouldn't have been honest if it weren't for Pj. "We will come over to your house to search for him, but it won't take long at all. Every piece of information counts towards the investigation, so your answers have helped a great deal."

Yeah, right. More like helped with invading privacy.

Once the police officers had piled out, I didn't hesitate on turning to Pj, who didn't make eye contact with me.

"Hey!" I yelled in his face, and he was quick to look up at me with fear. "Why would you do this!? Huh?!"

"Phil, I just wanted to help you," he choked, shaking his head. "You're falling into a depression, I just thought that if they found him then—"

"—Why  _on earth_ did you think I'd be  _comforted_ by the  _police_ finding him?!" I roared, and I didn't care that people were staring.

"That wasn't my point!" He squeaked. "I just thought that, if he was found and locked up then you'd be able to move on with life quickly! Not have to worry about whether he's dead or alive! Do you not see what I mean here, Phil??"

"That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard! I thought you were good with giving advice, but this is just bullshit! Are you running out of ideas or something?? Because that's what it looks like!"

His gaze turned to the ground, a sob escaping his lips. "Phil...you need some help in this situation, I understand that..."

"How are you gunna help me then, huh??" I yelled at him, almost laughing at how stupid he sounded. "That clearly wasn't the help, so what  _is_ the help?? If you don't tell me  _right now_ then you are  _no friend of mine_ —"

I felt a hand being placed on my shoulder, in which my head shot around in mid-fury.

A lady stood there, formally dressed and young. Her dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, out of the way from her gentle eye makeup. She gave me a smile, soaked with sugarcoated sympathy, the one thing I'd learned to hate after living with Dan for two months.

Her name tag read: Cat.

"Phil Lester?" She asked softly. "I'm your counselor, sweetheart."

I didn't even look at Pj, but I was mentally murdering him at that moment. Because his "help" was officially one of the worst things to ever exist.

☾

"So this first session is just gunna be a time I get to know you a bit," Cat started as she took a seat opposite my couch. "Just know that this is all one hundred percent confidential, so anything said stays between us unless you  _want_ it to be made public. Everything written down will be destroyed after each session. Got it?"

I shifted uncomfortably and nodded, trying not to lose control too much.

I couldn't believe that Pj had not only told the police—but gone and paid for a full-blown fucking counsellor. He's been my best friend for years now, how the hell does he not understand me so much all of a sudden?   
It's as if this whole issue has stripped him of all personal knowledge of me.

"So Phil," she began, looking down at her clipboard. "Where are you currently working?"

"I work at the Starbucks that we were in earlier on," I replied bluntly, eager for the hour session to end.

Still so long to go.

"Do you like it there?" She asked me with a smile. I simply couldn't tell whether it was sympathetic or not, at this point I'd just learnt to not trust a smile at all.

"Yeah, I really do."

Even though I didn't want or trust a counsellor, I had to admit that Cat was quite an easy girl to talk to, and I appreciated that.

She scribbled something down. "That's awesome! Do you plan to work there forever?"

"Definitely," I said with zero hesitation.

I guess it was difficult without Dan there with me, but I could say quite confidently that I've always loved my job. I couldn't imagine working anywhere else.

"It's really great how passionate you are about it," she said sweetly. "Aside from that, did you have any lifelong dreams that you wanted or want to fulfil?"

I took a moment to think, scraping around the corners of my memory, then remembered something from my childhood. "When I was a young boy, I always wanted to be a weatherman. It's not a very interesting life choice," I laughed. "Dan's dream was a lot more intere—"

I froze, realising I'd said it.  
I'd said his name.

My dimly-lit mood became even more grey as I thought about him. His damn voice with that guitar. It'd never left my head, not even once. I'd give anything to hear him again.

Or see him...

"...You wanna talk about Dan?" Cat suggested with a sad tone to her voice.

I scratched my neck, my fingers briefly making small contact with the chain of the hidden necklace. I felt the song of emotions vibrate in my chest, and I exhaled a long sigh. "I...I'm not ready to talk about Dan. I'm sorry," I barely whispered.

"It's fine, sweetheart," she assured me.  
"You talk about Dan whenever you want to."

I gave her a grateful nod, and my gaze fell to the floor sadly.  
The session dragged on from there, and most of the questions were just general questions about my interests and stuff.  
But my mind had already drifted off, as if slipping into a dream. A dream where Dan was stood with me, swaying in the snow with our favourite songs in the background. The most perfect moment—yet it was the calm before the storm looking at it now.

If only there were a pause button at that moment, so that phone call didn't come through, so that story wasn't projected on the news, so that small thing of hope could last for as long as we wanted to.

And I wanted forever.

But I didn't even get a segment of that forever.

The session finally ended, and Cat gathered her things and approached the door.  
I opened the door for her. "Thanks for the session," I said gratefully, ignoring the fact that I didn't need a counselor.

It was kind of nice to talk to someone.

"No problem," she smiled. "You have my phone number, do not hesitate to call me if anything gets too unbearable."

"Okay," I nodded, and she waved goodbye as she walked down the porch.

Once she'd disappeared, I noticed that the sky was beginning to darken. Just like a small droplet of black blended into the dim blue as the day met the night.

My sleeping schedule was incredibly messy, and I found myself feeling incredibly tired. Physically  _and_ emotionally.

I shuffled upstairs, and found myself walking past my bedroom. I stopped at the white door, deserted at the end of the corridor, as some unknown force had dragged me towards it. I took a few shaky deep breaths, before I gently pushed on the door and the light projected into the small room.

The already-made bed looked bare without Dan's starfish-like form sprawled out onto it, and his possessions were still scattered over the bedside cabinets.  
A comb, a pot of dried hair wax, a can of almost-empty hairspray—it all seemed unneeded for his bouncy curls, falling perfectly into place every time he woke up.

I walked over to his wardrobe, slowly opening it to reveal all of the clothes he'd worn over those fateful months of staying with me. My eyes skimmed over them, picturing Dan wearing each of the items of clothing and smiling to myself weakly. His dorky grin never ceased in each of the imagines.

My eyesight trailed to his fluffy, black and white pajamas, the ones he wore nearly every night.   
I took them from the wardrobe, shutting the door and getting changed into them. It must've looked weird, getting into fluffy black pajamas in late June, but if this was the closest I was gunna get to Dan then I didn't care.

As soon as I tugged the jumper over my head, I took a sharp intake of breath as I got a gentle waft of his scent.

He smelt like cinnamon and coffee, just like the shop.

I clutched onto the fabric, letting out a wobbly sigh as I pictured him in my mind.

It'd been a long time since I'd seen his face, I didn't know why I hadn't even started to lose memory of his features yet. I still remembered every single freckle, every single crease—all of it.  
Part of me wished I could move on from him. It'd be so much easier—but I don't want to. I don't ever wanna forget Dan.

But the more I remember, the more I fall away.

I shuffled over to his bed, stepping into the covers and wrapping myself in them. It was incredibly hot weather at the moment, but I was surrounded by the smell of Dan, and that was all that mattered to me.

I hugged the pillow where his head once rested, burying my face into it and sniffling as the tears began to give way and soak into the material.

Thinking about it, this was equivalent to someone dying. I mean, he's left my life forever, there's no possible way I can properly see him face-to-face again, how is death any different?  
I guess it's a matter of whether he physically is dead or not.

The fact that I'll probably never know pains me to consider. He could be absolutely anywhere right now, and I don't know where. He may be dead or alive, and I'm unaware.

But...if he really  _is_ alive, I want it to be with me. It wasn't fair at all.

I curled up in a mountain of Dan's possessions, falling into an uncomfortable sleep.

☾

_My eyes snapped open, and I knew I was in a dream._

_I searched my surroundings, but there was nothing but infinite darkness everywhere I looked. I tried to wake myself up, but my body remained asleep._

_This must've been important._

_"Hello?" I called out with uncertainty, and my voice bounced off the non-existent walls surrounding me._

_Nothing replied, other than my own echo._

_I decided to call out louder. "Is anyone there!?" I yelled this time, and I suddenly felt a presence from behind me._

_My body desperately swiveled around, and like a dot in the distance, I saw someone._

_I ran closer and closer to them, and they began to get clearer and clearer. The boy was sitting, slouched over on the ground and propped-up against nothing. His faintly familiar eyes stared up at the darkness blankly, showing no emotion. His emotional doors were shut tight._

_"Dan!" I exclaimed, collapsing down to my knees next to him. "Is that you??"_

_He didn't reply, he just continued to stare up at the nothingness above._

_It was definitely him._   
_But at the same time...it wasn't._

_The real Dan was away, away in a faraway land._

_Was that death? It very much looked like it. There wasn't even a hint of life in those lost, chocolate eyes._

_"Oh, Dan..." I whispered, reaching out to touch his cheek._  
 _But my hand passed straight through him_.

_I pulled back in my hand in horror, and covered my mouth to suppress a sob_.

_I could only watch as he slumped there, practically dead, unable to do anything but beg for him to give me a sign._

_This was all just a dream...but it was real. It felt so real._

_"Dan, please talk to me," I urged him with a violent voice wobble, but I already knew the only response I'd get was my own, lonely echo. And that's what I got._

_I couldn't wake up, no matter how much I told myself. I was stuck in a loop of begging Dan to say something, and I couldn't get out of it until fate allowed me to._

_This must mean_ something.

_My head fell forwards, my eyes dropping to the infinite ground. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," I sniffed. "I wish I could help you, but this is just a dream..."_

_There was something. I could feel it. Simply doing nothing and giving up was not what life had planned out for me. I needed to find that plan, and fucking_ do it.

_I searched my surroundings, but black was all I saw._

_There's nothing here. What could I possibly do to reach Dan at this moment and place? Something other than darkness upon darkness_ —

— _The necklace._

_I fumbled manically across my neck, my fingers coming into contact with the cold, thin metal._   
_I tugged it over my head, and the stones even glittered in the pitch-black as it dangled in front of me._

_"Hey Dan," I gabbled, putting the picture against where his eyesight would've been. "Remember this, Hun? Sat on the couch, snacks shared between us, final episode of_ Breaking Bad— _you remember all that, right?"_

_He didn't respond, just continued to blankly stare up at the black abyss above._

_And I wasn't giving up._

_"Remember when I gave you this necklace? Out in the snow on Christmas Day?" I pressed, my speech becoming more wobbly as my hands shook with desperation. "Hun, I know you're in there somewhere. But give me any sign of life, just..._ please! _"_

_There was a moment more of silence, and I began to give up hope._

_Then,_ flash.

_I saw something. In his eyes._

_I watched intently as they filled with that familiar remembrance, and his eyebrows raised slightly as he recalled everything._

_I saw Dan again._

_And he saw me._

_His eyes connected with mine as I stood over him, with the necklace shaking in my hand as I awaited the reassurance. I caught onto his gaze, clinging to it like a treasured possession, and I swear that he saw me. He saw me standing over him, tears streaming down my face as the darkness suddenly began to fade into grey._

_"D-Dan...?" I whispered uncertainly, watching and observing his expression carefully._

_He stared up at me, almost speechless or in denial for a moment._

_"Hey!!"_

_Dan's eyes shot over my shoulder, causing my head to snap round and see who just called out to us._

_A tall looking figure marched closer and closer, with a very intimidating stance._

_"Get your fucking butt off of the fucking floor!!"_

_His face was hidden by his ominous hoodie that shaded over his features, so I couldn't identify him._

_I turned back round to Dan. "Who is that, Dan?" I asked, feeling slightly panicky at the speed he was walking._

_Dan simply looked up at me, still in pure, frozen disbelief._   
_He acted very fearful of this figure approaching him._

_I wanted to hold him, tell him over and over again that I'd protect him, but every time I ran my hands against his cheek, it'd sail straight through him as if he were simply air._

_"Howell you're fucking dead if you don't get up!!" The man behind us roared, and I could tell from his voice that he was closer._

_I searched Dan's eyes, but he was almost paralyzed by fear. I leant over, my face inches from his unreachable features. "Dan, I-I'm here for yo_ —"

"— _Go," he simply croaked, and lunged his hands forward and collid_ _ed_ _his hands with my chest. Somehow managing to make contact with me._

_I flung backwards, away from him, and as soon as I made contact with the ground, I could feel it swallow me up._   
_I was falling, falling, falling, into the bottomless pit of darkness that waited for me with open arms, as gravity dragged me further down, eager for me to dive in and forever fall into the abyss of nothing._

☾

My body shot up with no control, and my chest heaved in panic as a thick layer of sweat slathered my face and chest. I shot up so hard and fast that my balance completely gave way and I'd tumbled off of the bed, my head crashing against the bedside table with a concerning thud.

"Fuck!" I groaned loudly as a searing pain spread like fungi around the back of my skull, stimulating an immediate headache. Wincing harshly, I massaged one of my temples, trying to take a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart.

I'd had nightmares about Dan many times before—but there was something about that one in particular that stuck out to me the most.

I was almost convinced that'd actually just happened. But I deep down knew that it didn't, and Dan was still out there in the unknown.

Once I'd calmed down a bit, I looked down at the fluffy pajamas I wore, and I almost burst into tears when I realized that the sweat had probably blocked out Dan's scent. Instead of crying, I weakly flopped my arms to the side as I lay there on the ground, staring up at the ceiling and thinking about the dream I just had.

I could picture Dan's expression so easily, as if it'd actually just happened in front of me. I'd never seen him so stripped of personality before; I almost didn't recognize him.

I really did hope, with all of my heart that he was safe. If he was in trouble again, that'd make me want to protect him more.

To love him more.

I turned onto my side, facing the edge of the bed.  
Then, I frowned. Something was poking out from under it.

I reached out, taking ahold of it and pulling it out—to find a brown book with ' _Diary_ ' written on the front.

What was this doing under Dan's bed?

I removed the thin layer of dust with a simple, small blow, and cautiously opened it up to the first page.

_Dear Diary,_   
_I'm not too sure why I decided to start writing entries, to be honest._

My heart dropped. I'd connected the dots and found that that was most definitely Dan's handwriting, and I was literally reading his  _diary_ right now.

"Holy shit..." I whispered, my eyes as wide as the moon as I read on.

_Louise gave me this for my birthday, said it'd come in handy or some shit, so I guess this is me trying it out._

_So, my name is Dan._

_I have two friends, I guess. One of them I've already mentioned (Louise) and I have one other (Tyler). I love them both so much, they're awesome._

_Okay, this page is full now, thank god._

I chuckled at his dry sense of humor, continuing to flick through the pages of scraggly handwriting. They were all such positive things, it sounded like he just lived a normal teenage life.

I wish I could say it was sunshine and rainbows, but...I already knew it most certainly wasn't.

There were quite big time jumps between the entries, each with a small apology for not writing much recently.

But there was one entry that I paid full focus to.

_Dear Diary,_   
_Sorry I haven't been writing much in this book. All of those previous excuses were lies. The reason I don't write much is...because my dad has been getting worse recently._

_The abuse is becoming more violent, and I've been hurt some way by him at least once every day throughout this week._

_He hurts me because of Mum. He blames me for her...death._

_Believe it or not, we were a happy family once, and whether it was fake love or not, it felt like a normal, loving family to me._

_When my mum died_ — _a brain tumor_ — _I was eleven at the time. My dad was okay at first, he'd only snap every now and again. And...I guess it's gotten a lot worse since then._

_I'm so scared that my dad will find this diary, I'd be dead for sure._   
_But...I guess I know why Louise gave me this notebook now._

The whole entry of that day told me everything I needed to know about Dan's father—basically that he was a nasty piece of work.

I wish I could've saved him earlier...

There were more entries as I flicked through the book, and they were all incredibly dark thoughts put down with pen and paper.

What did he ever do in his life to deserve all of this shit? He wasn't a bad person. He never  _has been_ a bad person.

I just didn't understand.

I absorbed each scraggly word written on each of the crumpled pieces of paper, until I reached an incredibly sudden and short one that made my heart drop.

_Dear Diary,_   
_I don't know how I got here, but I'm on the run from the police._

I could see the tear stains on the paper, and I run my fingertips over the dried-up moisture, feeling his pain and loss at that moment in time.

I then realized how much that page stood in a time like this. The sentence on the paper, it's stating the wrong that he's done, and what he's committed—yet the tear-stains beside it, slightly smudging the ink, shows he has feeling, he isn't the cold-blooded murderer that everyone thinks he is. He is a human, who made an unforgettable mistake—and is  _aware._ He's 100%  _aware_ that he's killed him, and he doesn't feel insane. He feels  _unhappy._

I snapped the book shut, shoving it back under the bed and burying my face in my sweaty palms in thought of the realizations I was making.

Dan Howell is not a murderer.  
He is a human, and he needs  _trust._ Just like everyone else on this earth.

And I was prepared to give him every drop of trust, because I know Dan Howell.

And he is certainly not a killer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that I'm not professionally trained in the police force so this isn't accurate at all. I did do some research for this but I obviously don't know everything about it so I can only guess.


	16. chapter 15

** Phil **

I waited outside the entrance to Starbucks, exhaling a long, weighted breath. I secretly clutched the necklace, immediately acting as my one true coping mechanism during this time.

I knew that if I wanted Pj to believe me, then I'd have to talk to him again. I'd been dreading this massively, as we both had very different views on Dan—but Pj's been there for me through thick and thin and I can't just let things drag on like this. I'll end up isolating myself even more than I already have.

Without thinking about it too much, I pushed the door open with my shoulder and entered the shop. I saw Pj's eyes flicker up to mine briefly at the familiar sound of the bell ringing, but quickly averted his eyesight back to the till, manically pressing buttons in a desperate attempt to look busy.

This routine has gone on for all this time since our argument at Christmas, and it felt pretty relieving to know I was about to put an end to it. I did kind of miss him, he was my best friend after all.

I sighed, slowly walking over to him. "H-Hey Pj," I began, placing my elbows on the table and staring down at him sadly. "Can we talk?"

He hesitated, as if thinking about it, but quickly shook his head. "I'm kinda busy right now," he replied, not taking his wide eyes off of the buttons.

"It'll only take a minute, please Pj," I murmured. "It's been six months since we've properly talked. I've really missed you."

"Well that was your own damn fault," he retorted, stopping what he was doing but still keeping his gaze at the till.

I turned my head to my hands, which fiddled with a loose string on my jacket. "Did you not consider that maybe I was overwhelmed? Upset?" I barely whispered, trying not to picture that night too much.

The darkness of the open window had never left my head. It was like a literal abyss when I saw it. It was the abyss sucking me into the slow, painful process of forgetting about Dan.

Didn't exactly go to plan, though. I still think about him non-stop, and I wish I could say I didn't.

But this was about Pj, not Dan. I needed to focus on that before I'm back at square 1.

There was slight hesitation before Pj sighed, finally looking at me. "I know you were upset, Phil," he answered. "But so was I. I was sad that Dan turned out to be a murderer, Phil. He was my friend too, you know."

"He's not a mu—" I tried to argue, but I stopped myself. That wouldn't have ended well if I finished my sentence. "...I just wanna know why you're so convinced by it. Do you not question it at all? That it's not very...accurate?"

"That it's kinda unbelievable? Yeah Phil," he said with a breathy laugh. "But you'd been left broken-hearted and reliant on alcohol for all those months. I  _hated_ seeing you like that, I really did. My instincts told me to point a finger, and it almost instantly pressed on Dan. And, honestly? It still does."

Six months ago, I would've exploded into a dragon-like rage at that confession—but as much as I hated to admit it, Dan was gone now. Most likely forever. And as it's now been such a long period of time, I've finally come to terms with that.

It's hard. In fact that was probably an understatement. But I need my friends close to me in order to get on with it, and right now I was determined to get Pj back.

Opinions didn't matter anymore. Life goes on, I guess.

I let out a short sigh. "Well, we may not have the same views, but he's gone now," I said sadly. "I guess we'll never really know the truth about Dan."

Pj placed a hand on my shoulder with a small smile. "Friends?"

"Friends," I nodded, a small smile appearing on my face. "Just don't get the police involved again, got that?"

"I won't," he laughed, lightly punching my arm.

He wasn't swerved about the idea of "innocent Dan", but the main thing was that I have him back. The convincing period should come later on, I guess.

About halfway through my shift, Pj tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, Phil, I was meaning to ask," he started as I swivelled round from the table I was cleaning. "Me and a couple of other colleagues are going to this nightclub just across from your hometown, you wanna come with us?"

I wanted to straight-up yell 'NO!!' in his face and walk away savagely, but it'd been a long ass time since I'd been out anywhere.

"Sure!" I said, with very false excitement in my voice.

"Alright!" Pj fist-pumped. "It's been decades since we went to a club."

"I'm not  _that_ old," I joked, and Pj laughed at my comment.

I couldn't deny the fact that I was kind of looking forward to it? I mean yeah, I'd much rather stay inside my house, but at least I'm finally gunna let loose and have a bit of fun for once in my life.

☾

I already regret everything.

The whole dance floor was packed with dancing teenagers, swarming around the claustrophobic interior like energetic swarms of bees, in which I stood in the middle with unfinished punch, (it was quite disgusting) weirdly bopping to try and blend in at least a little bit.

If anything, I stood out  _more._

Pj had quickly left to grab another drink, but ended up talking to a girl for an extremely long period of time, leaving me by myself, considering why we couldn't have just gone to a nice, wholesome cafe instead.

Pj's extroversion was something that I hadn't got used to yet.

The repetitive beats from the speakers were beginning to make my ears ring and it sounded like I was floating underwater.

Someone's shoulder collided with mine, causing me to dangerously fly backwards on my feet. "Oi, watch it!" I hissed with an eye roll.

The man made eye contact with me, his pupils dilated and his hair sticking up everywhere. He held a whole bottle of wine in his hand.  
I recognised him.

He gave me a smile that emitted no humour, and stumbled off to buy more drinks.

"Not a party person, eh?"

I swivelled round, to see a girl stood there with a drink in her hand. She had blond hair and very colourful clothing, yet she also looked kind of drained.  
Tired, upset, maybe a mixture of the two.

I sighed, taking a sip of the vile drink and wincing. "Nope," I answered with a small chuckle. "What about you?"

She shrugged. "I used to like them, but not so much anymore. I'd rather sleep."

"Me too," I laughed. I could already relate to her, it seemed. "I was dragged here by my friend Pj, but I'm pretty sure he's ditched me."

I searched around for him, but he wasn't even in my line of sight anymore, and neither was the girl he talked with.

"I did think you looked a bit lonely," she chortled, taking a sip of her punch.

I laughed with her, and for once it didn't feel forced, it just felt like genuine laughter. She seemed like a very joyful person to be around, and I clearly needed that at this moment in time.

"So, what brings you here, then?" I asked, eager to keep the conversation going.

Her joyous expression dropped slightly and her eyes stared down at her drink as she gently sloshed it around the cup. "I'm looking for someone."

I was curious to find out more, but her expression told me that she wasn't very comfortable with talking about it, so I was careful with my words.   
"Oh...did you find them?"

She shook her head, keeping her gaze on the swirling drink. "Not yet."

Silence passed between us before I decided to ask her if she wanted to head outside, in which she was eager to accept that offer.  
We headed through the cramped corridor, opening the exit and stepping outside in the open air. The breeze once again cleansed my sweaty mind and the moon shone down in encouragement as we both faced each other.

I looked down at the girl. "You can talk to me, if you like. I know we've just met but I've had people rant to me before."

Memories of when Dan finally opened up to me about his abusive father flashed before me, and I could still remember every facial expression he pulled, and every word he uttered from his trembling, chapped lips. It was like his actions and speech were coated in a think layer of superglue, because they all just instantly stuck with me.

The girl gave me a tight smile. "You're so sweet. Are you sure? It's just that...all my family and friends are suffering too, so I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it..." she barely whispered.

"Go for it," I said immediately, eager to help her all of a sudden.

She took a few deep breaths and began talking. "Okay...so my best friend went on holiday to get away from town a bit. But...I didn't realise how bad his situation  _really_ was. I let him go...and I was oblivious to everything that'd happened. I only found out recently that he'd done something so... _awful,_ and I just somehow knew that I needed to find him."

My ears pricked up slightly at what she was saying, and I wasn't sure why.  
There was a strange familiarity to her situation, but it couldn't possibly be what I think it is.

"At first I didn't pay much attention to him leaving and stuff, I just presumed he wanted some time away after going through such a hard time."

I frowned to myself, trying not to think about Dan and focusing on what the girl was saying instead.  
I was obviously just getting really worked up about him, but...I dunno. I don't know why I was thinking about him so much all of a sudden.

"My other friend was behaving really... _odd._ Odd as in, he'd lost his bubbly personality and he started to fall into a depression. Anyways, I forced an answer out of him, and then he confessed that he'd seen my missing friend working in the Starbucks up at Covent Garden."

Holy. Shit.  
My eyes widened and I felt myself start to sweat, but I forced myself not to freak out too much.

Even though I knew exactly who this girl was.

"So I went there to search for him, but...I was too late. He was gone." She took a big gulp of her drink and sighed. "So I came here. To try and just...drown all the memories out before I go crazy. I—"

"—What was his name?" I pressed firmly.

She looked like a rabbit in headlights when she'd processed my question, and she began to trip over her words helplessly. "I...I can't tell you who it is, I don't wanna get—"

"—Is your name Louise?" I blurted, staring at her with a sudden urge for more information.

The fear on her features mixed with confusion, and she took a small step away from me. "H-How do you know my name?" She whispered carefully, as if I were about to shoot her.

"Because I knew him," I choked, a tear sliding down my face. "I knew Dan."

I just couldn't hold back anything any longer. I hadn't seen him for six whole months and it really hurt. I'd kept this pent up for all that time because I had no one to talk to about the situation.  
But now was probably one of the worst times to simply let it explode from my mouth like that.

She paused, her expression turning panicked. " _What!?_ " She exclaimed in disbelief. "When did you see him!?"

"I...I..." I tripped over my words from my wobbly voice, running my hands through my tangled fringe as I began to get overwhelmed.

Out of  _all the people_ I could've started talking to in a club—it just  _had_ to be one of Dan's best friends, didn't it?? Why couldn't it have been someone that hadn't even seen him on TV; who doesn't even know of his existence in any way shape or form?? Maybe that way, their oblivion would begin to rub off on me, and maybe I'd  _learn_ to not remember Dan.

But with people who know him— _personally,_ in fact—the only thing that'll rub off on me is grief.

"Listen here buddy," Louise said in a calm yet firm tone. "I haven't seen my best friend in almost a year now. I don't give a crap what shitty news reporters have claimed about him—I just need to know he's okay!"

Ah. Finally. Someone who understands me. Someone who understands that even if Dan was the most dangerous serial killer to ever set foot on this planet, our relationship labels to him are still there. It could never deflate the love for him. Disappointment, fair enough—but  _never_ hate.

I'm not even disappointed in him, because I still believe that there's an explanation.   
I'm just so frustrated that I can't see him, or at least know that he's okay, and it's driving me insane.

"Louise, he..." I began, struggling to even say it as a result of upsetting flashbacks. "...he was with me. For two months. He stayed with me. Then he...he ran away, out of fear. Fear that I hated him or some shit. And..." My voice cracked at the last sentence. "...I don't even know whether he's dead or alive at this moment!"

A moment passed between us, where the only sound that was heard and from the chest-rattling bass from inside the venue.

I felt a sob in the back of my throat, so I knocked it back by drinking the rest of my punch, swallowing the fairly large amount of it in one massive gulp.  
I knew I needed a lot more than a shitty cup of punch at that moment.

I chucked the cup onto the ground after crumpling it in my fist, and shakily exhaled. "Louise, I...I think you should go hom—"

My eyes flickered over her shoulder, and almost jumped at the sight of the man from earlier, leaning against a flickering lamppost from the other side of the road. He'd pulled his hood over his head so I could no longer see his face, but I got a glimpse of that cold smile from the shadows of his face.

"I—I cant go home! Not now I can't!" I heard Louise stutter. "Phil, he's my best friend. We can both search for him together, I can't just—"

"—I freaking live here, Louise," I told her in a dark tone. "I have searched left right and centre to see my Dan again, and he's gone. He's gone for good. So please, take my advice, and go home!"

Before she could even react, I ran off behind the building and cowered at the bins, gasping for air and silently begging her not to try and find me.

I hated myself for being so damn cruel, but I couldn't deal with it. I've had enough of getting my hopes up.

Plus, my brain was screaming at me to follow this man, and I didn't know why exactly.

I waited there until I was certain that Louise was gone, and peeked out from my hiding spot slowly, begging for the man to miraculously, and kinda weirdly, still be there.

Unfortunately, no such miracle occurred. I simply saw a flickering light, putting its faulty spotlight onto nothing at all. Almost making fun of me for not getting there in time.

I kicked the plastic bins in frustration, growling like a hound.  
Every time I was pushed a step closer to something, I immediately got shoved right back again.  
Why was this? Was this really what fate had planned for me??

It was that moment that I finally realised.  
Maybe I really  _am_ going mad.

I've been blinded by this constant sense that Dan's still out there, and that fact alone has driven me to not answers, but insanity.

I brushed myself down and choked back my tears, looking forward at the path ahead of me.

I was done with crying. I was done with riding my hopes up so ridiculously high that I get hurt every time. I was so  _done_ with searching for evidence that just isn't there.

Because he's gone. I'm not gunna find Dan, and I needed to accept that.

I started walking away from the building and onto the pavement, with confidence in my stride and a teary, forced smile on my face.

I do love Dan. I love him so much.

So I'm letting him go.

☾

I opened the front door to a new, healthier smell of hope.

I immediately went upstairs, eager to get some well-earnt, sober sleep. I'd usually fall asleep whilst under the effect of intoxication, and had done for nearly the whole of six months now. Tonight will finally be the night where I don't even need or want it, and that was pretty crazy to consider.

I went back into my room, with my made-up bed and possessions that have lived on in this very section of the house for oh so long now. Every belonging made up my room to its fullest, and I've never appreciated it more than now.

I collapsed onto the mattress, curling up with a small smile tugging at my lips.

I knew that this positivity wasn't going to last long. That fact alone was simple. But I forgot how good it felt.

Before Dan and I even met, I wore a mask. An artificial happiness. For a while I went without it when Dan was in my life, because he opened me up when I didn't even realise I needed to talk to someone.  
But I'm ready to put the mask back on, and never take it off.

If this was it, and I really was moving on from Dan, I was going to need it.

So I slipped away into the cradle of sleep, wearing the mask with a grin stamped across my lips.  
The mask was not see-through, so it was 100% unseen—that was the good thing about it.

But I didn't check the strength of the material...

☾

_...Because now I'm back here again._

_I took a sharp intake of breath, realising that I was back in the darkness that I was in only yesterday. The infinite black surrounded my form, hemming me in and giving me a sudden sense of claustrophobia._

_It was so..._ lonely  _out here. It always had such a sense of realism to it, yet it's all in my mind._  
 _And I knew that. I wasn't stupid. I knew that this was just an illusion of my mind_ — _but it was more than that._

_I've had nightmares before, about monsters, mutant spiders, giants_ — _all that kind of stuff, and I could wake up and realise that that most definitely wasn't real at all, and it was just all my imagination merged into one big mess of scenes that were too out-of-this-world to be true._

_But other times, I'd have dreams about everyday topics that seem too real to be fake, and they're usually the ones of importance to my real life._

_They're like visions. Messages._   
_It's as if, in these dreams, I just have to figure out how to actually read them instead of seeing it word-for-word._

_So that's why, this dream of such ongoing darkness and loss is making me go crazy; making me suspicious. Because when nothing but darkness is surrounding you, the message becomes a lot more blurry._

_I closed my eyes, trying to bring some sense into this._   
_This is still a dream. I can learn to control parts of it. The mind is a powerful thing._

_My eyes snapped open, and once again, lost Dan was slouched against an invisible wall, staring into space with an almost skeletal structure. He was like a bag of bones, forever lost in the tunnels of his mind._

_Hence this whole "moving on" thing, I couldn't help but cradle this moment, as if it were a child._   
_I felt needed whenever I saw him there, isolated like that, but I hated to see him so sad all the same._

_I slowly knelt down, and I already knew that I was unseen_ — _but I saw him, and that was the main thing._

_"Hey,_ _Hun_ _," I whispered, smiling sadly. "I...I'm sorry I can't help you. I would if I could. I'd welcome you home with open arms anyday."_

_As expected, not even a glimpse of life returned to his features._

Please smile  _I thought over and over again, but his mouth had been permanently stitched to the same sad expression, which I really still wasn't used to seeing._

_I wish I could make him smile like I used to._

_I exhaled shakily. "I miss you," I confessed once again, longing to actually feel something as I ran my finger across his supposedly imaginary hands._   
_I looked down at his wrist, seeing the one true thing that'd kept its life._

_The bracelet that I gave him twinkled ironically as we sat in the pitch-black, the word_ 'Home'  _hitting my heart in a place that I hadn't even thought to explore yet._

_"I hope you come home soon, Dan," I told him, looking up at his darkened eyes. "Where...where_ are  _you?"_

_I wasn't even too sure whether I meant mentally or physically._   
_Both, probably._   
_I missed Dan in every possible way right now, so the type wouldn't have even mattered._

_Just as I asked that very question, I heard the all-familiar_ "Hey!!"  _from behind us._

_Dan looked over what would've been my shoulder, with not exactly life in his eyes_ — _there was practically none—but something that told me that he'd noticed the person._

_I was suddenly feeling very determined to find out who he was, despite the fact that I hadn't even turned around yet. I was too focused on comforting Dan, yet he couldn't even see me._

_"I know you can't hear me, but I'll always have your back, Hun," I said to him, hea_ _ring_ _the footsteps getting closer. "I won't let anyone hurt you, okay?"_

_Even though there wasn't even a hint of recognition, I hoped he knew that._   
_I placed a gentle kiss to his forehead, ignoring the fact that I couldn't feel him and I'd probably just kissed the air as a result of being in a dream, and shifted so that I was stood up._

_I hadn't actually seen this figure face-to-face yet, and I was ready to memorise what he looked like and stamp him permanently with the label_ "Utter dickhead"  _in my brain._

_Taking a deep breath, I turned around._

_But I frowned in confusion._

_The man that was walking towards me, didn't only sound familiar, but he_ looked  _familiar too._

_Then, it hit me. I saw him at the party tonight. He was the mysterious stranger who bumped into me, stared at me, and left me confused as hell. The man that I knew from somewhere, but still haven't been able to print out his name. It was buried at the back of my memory files_ somewhere,  _I knew it was._

_"How many times have I told you to get your ass off of the fucking ground!?" He hissed in the familiar, snake-like tone. "This is the only place you can go, remember that, and we will very gladly chuck you out and feed you to the piranhas that we call the police. Got that!?"_

_We?? That must've meant there's more than one. He's not the only one here, and that fact alone made me feel very queasy._   
_Even though this was a dream, the idea of more scary men was actually quite horrifying. Plus, I wasn't allowed to wake up yet, so I was stuck._   
_Stuck in this nightmare._

_Dan didn't reply to the man's comments, which made him even more angry. His marching became massive long strides, and his face grew redder and redder._

_I stood in front of Dan, shielding him from the guy with my arms_ — _but he passed straight through me, as if I were a ghost._

_That's when I realised, I just couldn't protect Dan this time. It wasn't possible._

_I'd just faked a promise to him._

_I screamed in frustration, swivelling back round to where Dan slumped._   
_His expression had turned fearful as he stared up at the man._   
_He looked like he was about to hurt Dan, and deep down I knew that all I could do was watch and pray for my awakening._

_But I wasn't waking up. Not until I figured something out._   
_But I was still blind as to what that "something" was._

_"Are you gunna answer me, you fag?!" He spat, inches away from the poor boy's face._

_He couldn't even move his mouth, he just stared up at the man with fear in his eyes._

_"Don't you dare touch him!" I tried to yell, but neither of them barely batted an eyelid._

_"Do you know what'll happen if you don't answer me!?" He roared at Dan, raising his fist._

_I covered my eyes with my hands, a loud sob escaping my lips when I heard the thud as his fist connected with his face._   
_He didn't even groan._

_"I'm sorry, Dan," I wept. "I'm sorry..."_

_No. I needed to think. This dream was happening for a reason. It had to be, or I'd have woken up by now._

_Think, Phil._

_"You think you can just sit here like this is some fucking holiday camp?!"_

_Another thud._

_"Well guess what?! You're not at a holiday camp!!"_

_Another thud._

_My eyes scrunched up tight, trying desperately to drown out the horrid noises and focusing on thinking. The cogs in my brain were speeding up, and I'd detected something. My brain was beeping like a metal detector._

_Ugh, but what is it though?_

_"I suggest you make yourself useful rather than fucking around with us, fucking gaylord."_

Gaylord.

_Just like that, it all fell into place upon my heavy shoulders, and my eyes snapped open._

_Suddenly, everything looked different._  
 _Dan, me, and the man were no longer surrounded by darkness_ — _but I stood somewhere._

_It all made so much sense._   
_I knew who the guy was, and I knew where we were._

_And just like that..._

☾

...I instantly woke up.

I didn't even feel sleepy. My eyes were as wide as saucers as I lay there, spread out across the duvet with sweat dripping down my face and onto my neck.

I didn't waste anymore time.  
I shot up out of bed, grabbing my coat from the wardrobe and shrugging it over my shoulders. I then fumbled through my drawers, picking up my phone and some old, unused pepper spray, in preparation for what was going to come.

I glanced at the clock.

_2:40am._

Perfect, everyone will probably be asleep by now.

I jogged down the stairs, racing for the front door and pulling it open harshly. I flung out of my house, running as fast as my legs could go.

My mask was off the moment I left the door. I had hope again.   
But this time, it was definite. I knew I was right. All those dreams, all those signs, they came together and I suddenly understood everything.

I skidded to a stop, staring down at my destination.

As I stood there, I took out the picture on the necklace, just about making out Dan's smile in the dim lighting.  
I pressed the picture to my lips, knowing that the picture will be my luck on this journey.

"I'm coming, Hun," I shakily whispered, staring down at the dark alleyway that read  _'Angel Alley'._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are about to get messy oop


	17. chapter 16

**Phil**

_"Phil, you have to promise me something."_

_I stopped eating my cookie and looked up at Lav. "What is it, sis?" I asked her, tilting my head._

_Her voice and expression was deadly serious. She was starting to look a lot more drained than usual. The colour in her eyes were beginning to dim, and her face was a gravely pale, and her hair spiked up in all different directions._

_I was getting a bit worried about her. But I guess everyone gets sick sometimes. She probably just had a cold or something. Quite a heavy cold, it seemed._

_But she was changing, and...I wasn't sure how, exactly. I guess she was just losing her spark a bit._

_I've wanted to ask her if she's okay for a long time now, but like I said, it's probably just a cold._   
_Colds pass._

_"Promise me that when you grow up into a man," she began, taking my small hand in hers. "you'll be a good boy. Don't get into trouble, get good grades, and lead a normal, successful life. Promise?"_

_I frowned. "Why are you making me_ — _"_

"— _Just do it, dork," she laughed, but I could see tears in her eyes._

_I sighed. "I promise, I guess."_

_"Good," she barely whispered, shaking her head. "I don't want you to end up wasting your whole life. It has to be put to good use, and you only get one, y'know. I wanna see my little brother growing up to be a good person, yeah?"_

_I nodded, still confused as to why she was saying this. "Do you think being a weatherman will be living my life, Lav?" I asked her, taking a bite out of my cookie._

_"If it's what you wanna do with your life, then go for it!" She laughed, and tears spilt down her face as she smiled. "You can do anything, bro!"_

_"Lav, why are you crying? Are you sad that I didn't wish to be an astronaut?" I frowned._

_She guffawed loudly, squeezing my hand. "I'm happy that you have goals. That's why I'm crying."_

_I didn't know why people cried when they're happy. Why would you wanna smile if you're sad?_

_"Do you have goals?" I asked her._

_She clicked her tongue in thought. "Let me think of one," she pondered. Her face lit up slightly when she thought of something. "My goal is to be careful with my trust. It's a small thing but, it's a goal."_

_I stared up at her with curiosity. "What do you mean?"_

_"It's a bit complicated for me to tell you right now," she mumbled, still keeping a smile on her face. "I'll explain it to you when you're older."_

_"But I'm almost 10 now! I_ am  _older, sis," I pouted._

_She just laughed and shoved me lightly. "Dream on, Phil."_

_"Hey!"_

_"It's not a bad thing! Being a kid is awesome. No one can judge you for doing childish things and stuff. I'd give anything to be your age again."_

_"But there's school."_

_"Ah, forgot about that part. Well, apart from that, you're pretty much a free spirit as a child. Never forget about your childhood, it's the segment of life when you learn how to be a human being. That's what I always say."_

_"More like learning pointless maths symbols."_

_"Stop being sarcastic, you cheeky mite." She pinched my cheek and I squirmed at the force she'd pinched me. "You'll understand one day. Just wait it out, buddy."_

_I swallowed the last bite of my cookie, sighing and placing my hands in my lap. "Well, okay Lav. I promise to be good."_

☾

I slowly walked down the dark alleyway, my right hand in my pocket which held the pepper spray can.

I can remember when I walked down here with Dan, and it was the longest fucking journey of my life. It felt weird venturing down here again, and it was a lot scarier with it all being so early in the morning. I could only just about see my hand in front of my face.

I was so scared right now. Not only about the dodgy gang down here, but also for Dan. He may not even be here, but I felt like he was. I really hoped he wasn't in too much pain.

After what felt like the longest walk of my life, I abruptly came to a stop.

I heard a noise behind me.

I found myself glued to the ground as I waited there with wide eyes and my pepper spray ready.

"A-Alfie?" I heard a raspy groan. "I-Is that you?"

The figure coughed violently, sounding incredibly wheezy and like dust had completely clogged up their lungs.

I stood there, shaking as I clung onto the only weapon I owned, sweat making my grip slippery.  
I just couldn't move. My terror had left me paralyzed.

The person behind me stopped coughing, instead letting out a noise that sounded like a pained grunt. "I-I'm sorry," he spluttered. "I-I'm such an idiot..."

Another hacking cough erupted from their throat, and a small sob just about managed to escape their lips.   
"I-It hurts," they squeaked out.

I slowly turned around, not making any abrupt movements, and shook my head in disbelief.  
Through the darkness, I saw someone. They didn't look like they were gunna hurt me, they looked too damn weak for that.

I couldn't make out much, but I knew whoever it was was hurt.

I fumbled for my phone, my thumbs trembling as I tapped on the button with the torch icon. The white light projected in the darkness, and I shone the light to view the person.

As soon as I did, I nearly dropped my only source of light in horror. "O-Oh," I breathed, in a state of hysteria.

A boy slumped there. His head had sunk back, revealing all the meatless bones poking out from his shoulder and neck. His eyes were almost black from his sadness, and his curls had grown out around his head and a few strands stuck around his cheeks as a result of being clad with blood.

I collapsed down to my knees, covering my mouth with my hands.

He looked at me, expressionless, sat about a meter away. I couldn't read his expression, but I didn't even need to. All I got from his state was pain. He couldn't even move.

"O-Oh my..." I gasped out, taking him in. "I...I...oh my God..."

I was speechless. I could barely recognize him through all that...all that  _blood_  covering his face. The red, metallic substance that should've remained inside his body and never escaped.

I carefully crawled up to him, and he took a sharp intake of breath at my movement.

"Sh sh," I uttered shakily. "I'm not going to hurt you, Hun."

"P-Phil," he croaked out, resulting in an explosive coughing fit. Blood dripped out of his mouth before he continued. "Y-You c-can't be here..."

His voice was barely recognizable. It was like he'd smoked 100 cigarettes.

"D-Dan," I choked out, never thinking that I'd say that again. "What...what  _happened_ to you?"

Just as I said that, Dan's eyes trailed over my shoulder, and my stomach lurched.

It wasn't a dream this time. It was 100% real now. I was about to face the bastard that hurt my friend.

Who hurt my Dan.

"What do we have  _here?_ " I heard him growl behind me.

I felt Dan's hand weakly but desperately grasp onto my arm, but emotionally his grip was tenacious.  
I gazed into his eyes, full of fear and excruciation, calling for help. Calling out for an escape.

"Y-You need to go," he whispered, his tears soaking up the fresh blood.  
I felt his tired arms pushing on mine with the little force that remained in his body, but I remained where I was.

I pressed my forehead to his, being gentle so that I didn't hurt him. "I'll figure out a way to get us out of here," I whispered. "You stay strong for me, okay?"

"N-No Phil, you don't know what Alfie's capable of," he wheezed, his eyelids opening and closing.

Ah. Alfie. I knew I'd remember that name from now on.

"Wow, Howell," I heard him spit. "It's about time your little boyfriend showed up."

I wasn't scared of him. The only thing I feared was Dan; he sounded awful, and if he got hurt any further...that'll be the end for him.  
But I was going to protect him, and I wasn't going to break that promise this time.

I pressed my lips to his forehead, and kept them there for a few seconds more than a peck. Blood coated my lips, and the metallic taste danced on my tastebuds. But all that mattered was that my lips were finally touching his skin again, after all that time of thinking I was never going to see him again.

Yet here we are.

Reluctantly but determinedly, I pulled away from Dan, standing up and not turning around just yet.

"You're gayer than I thought, fucking hell," he said with bitterness.

"Why are you talking like it's disgusting? Are you stuck in the 18th century?" I asked rhetorically, clenching my fists.

"Look, buddy," he sighed, and I could practically sense the smirk on his face. "I don't want any trouble here."

I finally turned around, facing him.  
In person, he looked even more cold-hearted than he did in my dreams. I also had slight knowledge of that already in the club.

"If you didn't want any trouble,  _Alfie_ ," I hissed. "then why is Dan on the floor practically  _dying!?_ "

Alfie burst into fits of uncontrollable, psychotic laughter. "Well, looks like we've got a difficult one." He twitched his head as a signal motion, and suddenly, two other figures emerged from the darkness behind him.

My hand snapped to my pocket, grabbing the pepper spray and pointing it at one of them—but before I could spray it, they whacked it out of my grip and it fell to the ground with a deafening clang of the metal.

They grabbed ahold of my shoulders, making sure I didn't escape.  
"Let go of me!" I seethed, fidgeting violently, but I could barely move in the tightness of their grips.

I tried to get the pepper spray by reaching my foot out for it, but Alfie had snatched it off from the ground before my toe could even touch it.

He looked down at the can, and grinned his cold smile. " _Pepper spray?!_ How old are you,  _ninety??_ " He spluttered.

"Are you saying because I sound old that it doesn't hurt?" I hissed. "Because it sure damn hurts like a bitch."

He paused, looking up at my with a smirk. "Yeah, it really does, doesn't it?" He said slowly.

I gulped, a feeling of uncertainty bubbling away in the cauldron of my stomach.

He slowly walked up to me, connecting his chilling eyes with mine. His movements were so painfully careful, it was like he was building up to something that he was scared to do.  
Except he wasn't scared at all. It was excitement. He was bursting with it.

I flinched at the pop of the lid as he removed it, and a chuckle escaped his lips, feeding off the fear like a ravenous hound.   
The only thing keeping me going was the fact that Dan wasn't being hurt at this moment in time.

But he was in a lot of pain. I had to get him home.

And home wasn't here.

"You're right, it does hurt," he chuckled darkly. "That's given me an idea."

He raised the spray to my eyes, inches away from where the spray came out. It already made my eyes water slightly as some of the particles had already drifted into them.

"Don't you fucking touch him!!"

All our heads swung round to the source of the loud screech.

Dan stood there, one hand up against the wall to steady his wobbly stand, the other pointing a knife in Alfie's direction, the grip on the handle almost failing from the heavy trembling coming from his arms and legs.

My eyes almost popped out of my head at the shock of him standing up, despite his physical state.  
He looked absolutely crazed from the adrenaline that was probably soaring through his veins at that moment.

"You put that fucking knife down, Howell," Alfie warned him.

"No!!" He screeched. "Not until you let him go!!"

The two guys holding me looked over at Alfie, unsure of what to do. After a small pause, Alfie told them what to do.  
"Chris, keep ahold of Phil," he directed. "and Joe, deal with Dan."

The man who went by Joe released me, and Chris's grip on my shoulders became a lot more firm.

Joe tried to walk up to him, but had to pounce backwards slightly as Dan pointed it further towards him. "I'll do it!" He screamed.

He winced angrily. "Shut up, Dad!!"

I frowned in confusion and terror, and the other boys laughed.  
The laughter made me feel sick to my stomach. What a fucking messed up thing to laugh at.

Alfie threw the pepper spray over his shoulder, and it landed on the ground with a loud metal bang. "You're not gunna stab anyone," he seethed. "You could never hurt someone again, you're already in trouble, Danny boy."

"You bastard," Dan snapped, laughing at him angrily. "You've done  _way_ worse than me. Don't even try and talk to me about what I've done, you fucking hypocrite."

"Oh Daniel, you're missing the point," he said with false sweetness. "I knew how to hide it. Whereas your attempt? It was pathetic. Which is why I haven't been broadcasted worldwide on the TV. Whereas you, my friend, one hundred percent have."

For a second he froze, stuck in a trance─but was quick to snap out of it. "Shut your fucking mouth!!" he screamed, making everyone jump. "I'll fucking kill you if you don't let him go now!!"

I needed to do something. If Dan killed him, he'd be in even more trouble─but if he didn't then we'll both be dead meat. I knew that death was never the answer, so this was down to me.

I clenched my fist, taking some shaky breaths.  
And, without thinking about it too much, I turned round and swung my fist into Chris's nose.

As soon as my knuckles made contact with his nose, a deafening crack sounded in the night air. He loudly groaned and took a few steps back.

I took that opportunity to race towards the pepper spray, and just as I'd grabbed onto it, I felt a heavy hand grab onto my shoulder. Without hesitation, I turned my head around and pressed the nozzle, and the substance clung onto Joe's eyes. He screeched out in pain, collapsing back and covering his eyes with his palms.

As Joe stumbled back, he created a clear path for me and Alfie, and I raced up to him, shoving him against the wall and preparing my pepper spray.

"Woah dude, wait," Alfie said, still with that stupid smirk on his face. "Okay, you can both go. I'll let you go. Jeez, dude."

I moved so that I was inches away from his face, mocking his stupid smirk. "If you think I'm just gunna leave you with that fucking grin then you can kiss my ass."

And I sprayed him. And it felt so damn good to get revenge for what he's put Dan through.

"You fucking bastard!!" he roared, clawing at his puffy eyes as his face began to swell.

I stepped away from him. "I hope you rot in hell, you twat."

I walked away from him, my face softening when I approached Dan. He stood there in shock, his adrenaline soaring out of his body and his legs growing wobbly and weak. I replaced the knife he held with my hand, intertwining my fingers over his, which were violently shaking and slipping in my grip. I let out a shaky sigh, holding back the tears of relief as I cradled his hand in my palm. The hand I thought I was never going to touch again.

"Let's go home, Dan," I whispered, tugging him forwards as we finally made our way out of Angel Alley.  
Trembling, shaken─but alive.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's alive! You probably already guessed that but whatever.
> 
> I just wanna say a few things here. First of all, I have nothing against Alfie, Chris, or Joe. I love them, in fact. Just because they're portrayed as the bad guys, I have no hate towards any of them. Just clarifying that.
> 
> Also one other thing. Seeing as we now know that Dan's alive, I just wanted to point out something that you probably didn't get because I didn't write it very well. The whole thing with seeing Dan in his nightmares were actually visions. The reason he saw these visions was because Phil had fallen into the same darkness as Dan had, which explains why they were surrounded by darkness and all that. They were both in the darkness at the same time so that's why Phil could see him. And that's kind of where Dan's "episodes" that happen every now and again, comes into the story.


	18. chapter 17

**Phil**

"Ph-Phil, slow down," Dan gasped, and slowed behind me as we hurriedly fast-walked down the pavement.

I turned around, stopping for a second to turn to him. I couldn't quite believe he was there. He looked tired and ill, but he was  _Dan._  
He finally came back into my life.

"Shit," I mumbled. "You look like you're about to pass out."

His eyelids began to drop and his face became a sickly white as he clutched onto my arms for support.  
I tried to wrap my arm around his waist to keep him up, but he yelped. "N-No Phil it hurts," He squeaked out, letting out small wheezes.

"Where does it hurt, Hun?" I asked him, unsure of where to touch him.  
He looked like he was about to snap in half, his body felt so delicate.   
Unhealthily delicate.

"I-I don't know," he gasped, and his body weight fell heavy on me. I gripped onto his arms, breaking out into a sweat.  
It must've multiplied his pain by freaking forcing his body to stand up like that.

I heard his heaving pants in my ear, and his whole body twitched with every breath he forced in and out of his lungs.

He needed an ambulance—but I couldn't call them. He'd be busted by the police. I can't lose him again, but if I didn't do something, he'd probably die.

"I-It's alright, sweetheart," I comforted him, desperately searching around me for somewhere to set him down.  
I anxiously and carefully helped him over to the wall of a closed up co-op and propped him against it, giving him a chance to sit down.  
As soon as he sat down, he heaved up a load of stomach acid mixed in with blood, sobbing in pain.

I ran my hands through his blood-clad hair, clutching onto his hand with fear. "D-Dan," I stammered shakily, feeling his palms tremble under mine. "You're gunna be okay, just...hold on to me, okay?"

I snatched my phone from my pocket, scrolling through my contacts frantically. I didn't have any friends that were doctors, or that were even willing to help Dan at all.

I didn't know how exactly Pj would react, but somehow I knew that he wouldn't be making this situation any better.

The only person I could think to call was Cat. I didn't know her very well, I didn't know if I could trust her or not. Not to mention the fact that she was a counsellor, not a doctor.

But Cat was the only option I had right now.

I clicked her contact and pressed the phone to my ear, not letting go of Dan's hand.

As the phone rang, I made sure I didn't stop talking to Dan. "H-Hun, look at me," I said as softly as I could, and his glistening eyes made contact with mine.

They were screaming in pain.

"Please stay strong for me, okay? I'm calling for help right now."

His trembling lips opened in desperate attempt to speak. "N-No...d-don't call..." was all he managed to say before his shortening of breath continued.

I shushed him, running my thumb over his hand. "It'll be okay. I'll always protect you." I leant over to him, giving his bloody forehead another long affectionate kiss. I pulled away gently, touching my nose with his.

"I-I love you."

Finally, Cat answered.   
 _"Hello? Phil is that you?"_ I heard her say through a yawn.

I pulled away quickly. "C-Cat??" I stuttered into the phone. "Y-You need to get here right now, I'll explain everything once you're here."

Dan clasped my hand through his wheezes, and I refrained from kissing him again.

" _Okay, where are you?_ " She mumbled skeptically, hearing her shuffle out of bed.

"I'm outside the co-op near my house, p-please hurry, Cat," I babbled in panic.

_"Don't worry, I'm on my way. Hang in there, Phil."_  
The line went dead to start her journey here.

I put the phone down, taking his hand in both of mine and gently pecking it over and over, desperately doing anything to try and send him some comfort whilst Cat was on her way.  
The waiting consisted of a lot of that, along with many 'You'll be okay's whispered many times consecutively.

I didn't cry. I knew I couldn't cry yet.

After what felt like years, a car came and pulled up in front of us.  
Cat came rushing out, not even stopping to shut the door. "Phil, what's going—" she stopped talking when she saw Dan, covering her O-shaped mouth with her hand.

Before she could point out the fact that this was Dan the so-called "murderer" lying there, I interrupted her. "Cat we need to help him," I babbled quickly. "He's...he's going to die if we don't."

Thankfully, she didn't press on about the obvious subject yet, and was quick to crouch down with me. "Well we need to get him back as soon as possible," she began, talking slowly with shock. "Help me get him up."

I was quick to nod at the direction and shuffle to the left side of Dan.   
"Hun, we're gunna lift you now," I told him softly, beginning to slide my arm around his back and under his arm. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. It won't hurt for much longer, okay?"

He let out a panicked, helpless whimper in response.   
I didn't want to hurt him, but I knew we had to get him back home.

After a quick countdown from three, Cat and I lifted him up with a heavy grunt. I felt Dan's fingernails digging into my shoulder as he suppressed a scream, and I continued to comfort him as we helped him along the path, constantly reminding him that he was doing so well.

We finally managed to get back to my house, and we heaved through the front door. We then took him through to the living room, which had its fair share of empty cans of alcohol. But not even Cat glanced at that as we laid him down flat across the couch, careful not to hurt him too much.  
He'd began to grow weaker, but still breathed very irregularly.

"I'll go grab him some water, he's probably very dehydrated," Cat said quickly, racing out of the living room to the kitchen.

I clutched onto Dan's hand, and I could feel him squeezing back weakly. "You're so brave, Dan," I whispered shakily, stroking his hand with my thumb in circular motions.

Cat came racing back in with a glass of water, and I propped Dan's head up against the cushions slightly.   
I took the glass from Cat and pressed the cup to his lips gently. "Try taking a sip," I whispered, tilting the glass to pour some of the water in his mouth.  
He took a few sips of the water before exploding into panicked wheezes again.

"Oh, Dan," I choked, a hidden tear squeezing from my right eye.

"Hang on," I heard Cat say carefully. She gently pushed me to the side with a frown. "Dan? I want you to take some nice big breaths for me, okay? Just follow the way I breathe," she directed.

I didn't question what she was doing, I just let her try and help him. Cat was our only hope at this stage.

Cat made Dan do these breathing exercises for about ten minutes—and much to my surprise, he began to calm down. His breathing began to level out again, and he was still in pain, but no longer wheezing.  
His head dropped in what looked like tiredness, but Cat assured me that he'll be okay.

"How did you make him stop?" I asked her in bewilderment.

"All the injuries and scarring experiences caused him to go into an extreme panic attack," she explained. "If you keep doing breathing exercises it'll soon start to pass and your breathing pattern will begin to regulate."

I shook my head. "But...he was coughing up blood, Cat," I added.

"Was he assaulted?" She asked me quietly, as if we were in a room full of people.

"Yes, he was," I answered, trying not to think about the dream I had too much.

"Then that would've been the blood from where he was probably punched in the mouth," she explained. "What Dan was experiencing was sheer panic. Yes, his injuries may have winded him, but it was only small because...well, he's clearly feeling better already."

I turned to him, sighing as I watched his sleeping form. He was covered head-to-toe in blood, had a lot of bruises and cuts—sleep was the only possible medicine to drown all that pain out for a few selective hours.  
Without sleep, we'd never really have a peaceful way to escape.

"Thank you," I breathed, with genuine gratitude. "You saved him. Is there any way I can repay you?"

She hesitated, her expression turning serious slightly. "No, of course not," she mumbled, then sighed. "Phil...I'm going to have to tell the police about this."

My eyes widened in shock. "No you can't," I begged her. "Please, Cat. They'll take him away again, I can't lose him."

"I'll lose my job if they found out I was keeping this from them," she told me sympathetically. "As much as I don't want to, I can't risk it."

"They won't find out, I swear to God," I promised. "My house has been searched by the police already, they're not gunna search it again. And if they did find out, I'd cover for you. I'll say it was my fault, and they'll arrest me instead. I've got it all sorted just please... _don't_ tell the police."

She shifted uncomfortably. "But what if Dan ends up being a danger? He  _is_ all over the news right now."

"He's not who you think he is," I told her firmly. "He is  _not_ a murderer. He made a mistake, in self defence." I began to choke on my words. "His father...his father was an evil man. The things he did to Dan were completely unbelievable and utterly disgusting. Death is never the answer...but Dan wouldn't be alive if he hadn't have killed him."

I remembered that time in Angel Alleywhen be randomly yelled at his dad to shut up, and it immediately clicked. "I'm...pretty sure he hears some form of dialogue from his father every day of his life, and it's started to drive him insane. He needs actual  _help_ —prison will just make the situation worse for him."

She froze to think about what to do, and I hoped and prayed that she'd help him.

Finally, she sighed. "Okay," she barely whispered. "This will remain between us all. I won't tell a soul."

I almost cried with relief. "Thank you, Cat. I swear he's not who you think he is."

We took some time to check on his wounds whilst he slept. I didn't let her check his torso though, I knew Dan wouldn't want anyone seeing his Dad's main damage. I helped her bandage up all of his wounds and clean off the blood with a warm flannel, trying to make him as comfortable as possible before he wakes up.

Soon after, the sky was beginning to inject some colour and light into the night's sky, and the time had reached probably just over 5am.

Cat stood up. "I'm really sorry but I have a client booked for 7 and I don't wanna be late," she explained as I rose with her. "If Dan ever starts panicking again, direct him through the breathing exercises and try to encourage him to keep going, even if it doesn't work at first. If he goes into more serious conditions then call me straight away."

I nodded at her, slightly breathlessly. "I can't even thank you enough, Cat," I sighed in amazement, shaking my head. "I guess I'll see you next week for our session."

"Of course! I wish you and Dan all the best," she smiled.

We exchanged a tight, friendly hug and Cat left soon after.  
Leaving me alone with Dan—safely—for the first time in what felt like a lifetime and a half.

I slowly approached him, smiling sadly at his familiar starfish-like form and bouncy curls.   
He may have been hurt and underweight—but it was most definitely my Dan.

After all that hope, after all that wasted time—I didn't even  _think_ to look down Angel Alley _._ He was down  _there,_ all that time.  
He must've felt so alone to resort down that route. I wish he knew sooner that I trusted him no matter what.

But that was just it, wasn't it? Trust. It's been the cash to the checkout, it's been the building blocks to what made home. Without it, you're a goner—but when you  _do_ have it, it makes you feel as if you're stringing people along like puppets.  
And after that short period of talking to Louise that day, I was fully positive of the fact: that was  _exactly_ how Dan felt.

Maybe that realisation alone bought me back to him.

I ran my fingers through his hair, listening to his beating heart, gently thumping against his chest like knuckles against a door.  
It comforted me to watch him breathe. It was almost overwhelming for me. Just the simple rise and fall of his chest told me that he was alive, he was still with us.

With me.

He stirred in his sleep, rubbing his tired eyes as they slowly blurred into an image. His lidded brown eyes flickered up to me as he inwardly yawned.

"H-Hey Hun," I whispered, my voice cracking. "Go back to sleep, everything's alright."

He was half asleep, but I knew he still acknowledged me. It wasn't like those nightmares anymore. We both saw each other for real, and I appreciate that more than anything else in the world.

"Phil, sleep..." he mumbled, his lips smacking in slight disorientation.

I let out a small laugh, and fresh tears were quick to seep down my cheeks.  
I trailed my hand down to his shoulder, and it began to shake as my upset was spilling from the edges, reaching its full capacity.  
I gripped onto the fabric of his shirt, placing my head on his chest and listening to his heartbeat closely.

_...Thump, thump..._

At that moment, I exploded into fits of hysterical, explosive crying, choking out loud, ugly sobs that'd been compressed for half a whole fucking year now.

It'd been so long since I'd cried like this. I couldn't tell whether it was out of relief, fear, trauma, of probably a hefty slice of all of it at once.

But as I slumped there, soaking Dan and myself in my long pent-up tears, I learnt that, whatever happened, Dan was remaining at home and  _only_ home. If the police did end up finding him, then I'll go down with him.

Because no one deserves to feel alone in a world full of people edging you towards isolation. Having someone to help fight through the crowd could be the unknown essential to every situation.

 


	19. chapter 18

**Phil**

"Tell me that it's all okay..."

_My eyes fluttered open at the beautifully familiar sound of music. I smiled before I could process where I was or what was happening, just taking in the sweet sound of music whilst I could._

_My vision un-blurred, and I expected to be surrounded by that same, infinite darkness_ — _but it was white._  
 _Soft, glittery white surrounded my form, and I felt like I was floating._

"I've been waitin' on this all damn day..."

_Strange. It didn't sound like the original song._

_I turned to the source of the sweet sound, gently smiling as I saw Dan. He sat there, delicately strumming the strings and ringing out his perfect voice. I watched as each of his fingers squeaked along the frets, and my stomach fluttered as I observed how his fingers moved from Am7 to Dm7 so effortlessly._

_He looked complete, sat there. Just him and his guitar. I almost didn't wanna disturb him._

_I_ _w_ _atched him from afar, admiring the way his passion glowed out of him, making him look like a pearlescent angel._

_And the song. The damn song. The very song we listened to outside in the snow, the very picture of "perfect" itself._

_But...it was also the moment the call came through. The moment that Dan was broadcasted all over the news._   
_The moment he lost all hope._

"Call me in the morning, tell me how last night went, I'm here _," he sang contentedly, there in his own world._

_His head drifted up with that dimpled smile. As soon as his eyes made contact with mine, his smile dropped, along with the dreamy white behind us. It tumbled down from white, to grey, to the deepest shade of black that made my vision falter slightly._   
_But despite this shade surrounding us, Dan still stayed present, as if he were under a spotlight, almost._

_His last chord and the B he sang rang out in an ambient echo as he looked up at me with tears in his eyes._   
_I was debating whether to take a step forward or not, but my mind seemed to be paralyzed at that moment._   
_I could only find one sentence to utter from my frozen brain._

_"Why...why are you sad, Dan?"_

_It took him a few seconds to process the question, and even longer to produce an answer._

_He slowly looked back down at the guitar, locating the final chord with a squeal of the metal against his rough fingertips, and plucking them with his long fingernails. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, looking back up at me. He took a clogged breath, and sang the final lyrics._

"But don't count on me to stay."

☾

My eyes snapped open abruptly, finding myself still with my head rested on Dan's form. He didn't feel so tired out though, his chest felt stiffer and his breathing was more controlled.  
Stable, at least.

My head rose from the position I slept in, and I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, fading back into reality a small amount.

"...Phil."

I took my hands away from my eyes at the familiar sound of Dan's voice.  
He laid there in the same spot he fell asleep, staring up at the ceiling with a neutral expression.  
I could help but smile gently at his natural beauty.

"Good morning, Dan," I whispered, not used to saying that sentence. It felt strange on my tongue, but it had a sweetness about it that made it feel right.

There was a small pause before I figured out what to say. "How...how are you feeling?"

"Pretty shit," he muttered with a small laugh. He tried to sit up but ended up wincing harshly as a result of his injuries and sinking back down again.

"Take it easy," I soothed, putting a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Alfie didn't exactly go easy on you."

The little amusement was quick to drain out of his face at the mention of the bastard's name, and it made my heart ache a lot for him.

I would've strangled him if I wasn't in a rush.

He exhaled through his nose slowly, gently nibbling at his bottom lip. "Phil, you...you shouldn't have found me," he admitted simply.

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Because...that was my one hiding place. The one place that I truly belonged, really."

The very words shattered my heart into tiny fragments. Not even  _he_ believed that he was a good person, and that hurt. I wanted him to believe that home was where he belonged, and nowhere else. Especially not that godforsaken alley.

I circled my thumb around his shoulder. "Don't say that," I whispered. "What...what on earth makes you think  _that?_ "

He shrugged, staring down at his fingers, which fidgeted on his chest. "I don't know, Phil. Maybe the fact that I'm a murderer on the run and all over the fucking news," he said sarcastically.

"You're not a murderer, Dan."

"Then what am I?" He looked into my eyes, and his brown spheres were filling with tears.

Like blood, tears should never have to escape the body.

I gave him a sad smile. "You're human. It's not rocket science, Hun."

His gaze disconnected from mine at the word 'Hun', which kind of hurt—but I didn't zoom in on it too much.

"This is why I ran away," he mumbled. "because you're not careful with your trust, Phil."

People have told me that all my life, and I'm not stupid. I know that I need to be careful, and I know that I shouldn't trust everyone I see.  
But...it's just Dan. There's something past all that sadness, all that negativity. It was as if I were a pirate on the hunt for treasure, and I knew that Dan's heart unlocked the shiniest, most stunning jewels that I will ever set my eyes on.

I sighed deeply, looking down. "Dan, I...it's impossible for me to not trust you. Because...I lo—"

"—Don't say it," he wobbled, tears filling his eyes and he clenched his jaw. "Don't say the words."

I felt a small stab in my chest. "Say what?"

"You know what."

And he was right. I was about to use those three words that drove him away in the first place.

I reached my hand out, trying to cup his damp cheek in my hand, but he pushed it away before my fingers even made contact with his skin.  
I took my hand back, looking at him with a sad frown. "Why are you being like this? It's fine if you don't love me, Dan, I couldn't give two fucks about that. It's just—"

"—You don't get it, Phil!!" He said loudly, tears spilling down his soft cheeks. "I do! I really do! I'm head over heels for you! All that time in Angel Alley, you never left my head! I felt nothing but guilt whenever I thought of you, and when I thought I'd escaped you— _freed_ you—here you are! I don't belong to be with someone like you; I don't  _deserve_ it. We're like fucking drugs and candy put together, it just doesn't work, Phil!"

My brain felt very spacey all of a sudden, as every one of my nerves exploded and my heart sank like a drowning ship.

"T-Tell me what I can do," I whispered, my voice feeling heavy in my throat. "What can I do to make it work? Because I'll do anything. If I get dragged off to prison, then so be it. I don't even care about the police, I don't care at all."

"Well I care!" He snapped, his eyes flooding out. He pinched the bridge of his nose, looking away from me. "I...I need some time to think, Phil. Please just...leave me alone for a while."

"But for how long?? How much longer do I have to wait until I finally get to relive what we used to be??" I sounded desperate, but I wanted to prove my point. That point being that he wasn't alone.

But he wasn't letting me come back to him, because he  _felt_ alone.

He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve. "I don't know, Phil. But...I need a while. I never considered this because I thought I'd never see you again, so now's the time I need to think about everything, and...it's not a quick thing. You understand me, right?"

I wanted to understand—but I just didn't. I didn't understand why we couldn't just talk things out  _now_ instead of later. I thought I'd get to actually talk to Dan normally again, and I guess, that time will come.

But boy, was I sick of waiting. My impatience had me on the brink of insanity; my feelings had been compressed after all this time, and just when I go to release them out in the open, they're sucked back up again, bursting with pure desperation and deflating hope. It was a crushing feeling, especially when my love for him just exceeds toxicity.  
Whether it be platonically or romantically—did it even matter? Did unconditional love really need a label?

I wanted to argue with him, I wanted to break down, but only my brain had the courage to do that, and that was all pent up, too.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to clear my overcrowded mind a bit.   
I just needed to make some space for at least a tiny bit of relaxation and stability, I couldn't get angry at Dan.

Because the last time I got angry, he left.

I felt a bit of guilt begin to squeeze through, and I shakily sighed as my hands dropped to my lap. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I've just really missed you, Dan."  
I refrained from saying 'Hun', even though I'd gotten quite used to saying it.

His head tilted towards the sofa cushions, away from me, and rested his tired eyes. "Me too."

Nothing more was said to each other that day. Dan transferred himself back up to his bedroom—with a slight struggle hence his injuries—and basically slept in there all day. He did come downstairs for food, and we watched TV in the evening. But not even an ounce of speech slipped from either of our mouths. The silence between us was beginning to make my ears ring, and I just wasn't used to it at all. I didn't wanna  _have_  to get used to it. It was kind of ironic how we were probably bursting with questions and stories, yet we proceeded to saying nothing.

Days dragged on, and nothing had changed. I had to go to work again so Dan stayed at home everyday when I went out, not daring to go out in public even once.

I wouldn't ever stop thinking of him.

Almost a week had passed, and still nothing from either of us. Dan's state began to get worse. He'd started to not come down for dinner, and whenever I went up to check on him, he'd be pretending to sleep. I knew when he was pretending—when he's sleeping his breathing is a lot heavier, almost snoring but oh so gently, and his mouth is slightly agape. But when he's pretending, his body is a lot less visibly relaxed and his breathing almost sounds mechanical.

He'd started getting nightmares, too. I'd always hear him whimpering and sometimes screaming in the middle of the night, and I just wanted to help him, or cradle him in my arms and comfort him—but I found myself scared for the outcome of that option.

He might leave me. He might hate me. All sorts of pointless but possible crap would whir into my brain, and I'd be almost paralyzed as it happens. As I hear everything.

Cat visited me every week as usual. She'd try and talk to me but we always avoided talk on Dan when that was the main problem, so we weren't making much progress. I appreciated that she was there, though.

Two weeks passed, and I noticed that he was out of his bed. My first reaction was to start panicking and start racing around the house like a headless chicken, and he wasn't even in the shower this time.

I stumbled and tripped to the last place that he could've been—and much to my relief, he was stood in the garden, gazing out into the starry night's sky.

I didn't see a problem—until I noticed a cigarette parting his lips ever so slightly. I watched in in awe as he shut his eyes, taking a long drag of the cancerous substance, and listened to him sigh slowly as the smoke tumbled from his lips and mixed with the clean air.

I wished with all my heart that I could just remove the cigarette and let my lips be the thing parting his mouth instead.

But it's not that easy. It's never that easy.

Three weeks in and Pj was starting to notice my anxiousness at work. He'd often try and question me about what was wrong, but I couldn't tell Pj, not after he opened his mouth to the police. We were friends again, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it. I guess it'll take some time for our friendship to go back to normal, but I can't shake off the fact that he's blaming Dan for my misfortunes, because I've clearly done it to myself.

I fell for Dan too much, and that was on me, not him.

Dan had started muttering to himself whilst we watched TV. I wouldn't usually be watching the program, because I was usually too busy observing Dan and trying to figure out his actions. As he mumbled to himself, he'd often show extreme agitation. He'd often flinch or wince in what looked like anger or upset.

I didn't need to hear much to figure out for myself that he was talking to his dad. Ever since I found him in Angel Alley when he yelled at his dad randomly to shut up, I just knew. I longed for a way to access his mind and remove all the baggage of his dad. That man didn't deserve a place to stay in his thoughts.

And on that same night, Dan had a nightmare again.

As I laid there, staring at the ceiling, I listened to the way he screamed. It sounded a lot more brutal than the other times, and he sounded like he was being somewhat tortured. But that all made sickly sense, didn't it?

His screams continued for what felt like about an hour, which I spent asking myself why I was being such a wuss. And I didn't even have an answer. I wasn't sure what exactly I was afraid of.

Eventually, his screams began to fade, and he silenced once again as he managed to clutch onto a fragment of the deep sleep he craved. I tried to get some sleep myself, but I'd been left wide awake and thinking once again.

I flipped over to the left, reaching out for my phone and switching it on. My eyes winced from the brightness, but I managed to make out the time.

_3:24am._

This was gunna be a sleepless night, it seemed.

My eyes squinted into a frown as I saw that I also had a notification.

_**Reminder:** _ _Appointment with Cat today!_

I inwardly groaned.

Cat was incredibly helpful when it came to counselling, but today was one of those days where I just didn't feel very up to it—but that was probably because it was three o' clock in the morning.

I put my phone back down, exhaling a long sigh and running my fingers over the necklace that still draped around my neck. I held up the picture, smiling at it sadly.

Dan looked so happy in that photo. I missed happy Dan so much.

It didn't even feel like Dan had returned in the first place. I found myself still missing him.

Because my Dan is still out there somewhere, and I was determined to find him.

☾

_Knock knock._

I stood up with a sigh as I heard a knock at the door. I wasn't dreading it as much as I did last night, but admittedly I would rather not do it to be honest.

I would be angry at Pj, but if he hadn't have gotten me a counsellor then Dan would be dead.

It felt like Dan died that day anyway. The way he drifted away from me made it seem like he isn't even there.

I swung open the front door, seeing Cat and giving her a tight smile. "Hey," I greeted her, stepping to the side so that she could come in.

"Morning, Phil," she chirped, hanging up her handbag on the coat peg at the door. "How are you today?"

I wanted to say "I haven't slept hardly a wink and I still really miss Dan", but I simply said "I'm good" instead.

We went through to our usual seating area—the living room—and got on with our session.  
"So first of all," she began with giggle. "How have you been liking this hot weather?"

I shrugged. "It's alright, I guess."

Cat had a pretty comforting way of easing in slowly with the session, and she always began with simple, non-invasive questions to get me talking a bit. I was very glad I had her for a counsellor and not a grumpy old lady who doesn't know what privacy is.

"I'm quite enjoying it, not gunna lie," she laughed. "but that's interesting, are you more of a winter person then?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I...suppose I am."

"Why is that?"

I gazed up at the ceiling. "Winter's the time of month to sit on the couch watching a film with a steaming mug of cocoa whilst the fireplace crackles in the background. It's a comforting feeling, especially when it's cold outside and your house is filled with warmth." I breathed out of my nose. "It just gives the shop so much life, y'know?"

"I totally get that," Cat smiled, nodding slowly. "Especially when it's snowing, right? It makes you feel grateful that you have a roof over your head."

My fingers fiddled with each other and I looked down at my lap. "I used to love the snow. Not so much anymore, though. The snow holds too many painful memories."

As soon as I'd said it, I wished I hadn't.

"What kind of memories?" She asked. "You don't have to answer that if you really don't want to, remember this is your session and you can say what you like. I won't be offended."

I furrowed my brow, thinking things through.  
Cat had always been careful when the subject veered towards Dan because she's seen for herself what he's been through this past month, so she understands where to hold the line.  
But now I think about it...all this small talk of the weather, of the shop, it's almost as if she's scrounging for something else to focus on, anything other than Dan—yet he's the core in all this; the main issue.

So I asked myself: was I really going to get anywhere by avoiding the subject?

I lifted my head. "I-I'm ready to talk about Dan."

She glanced up at me, with slight un-expectancy in her eyes. "...O-Of course! Go ahead!" She smiled, looking very relieved that we'd started digging away at the gold mine.

I scratched the back of my neck, not knowing where to start.  
There was a  _lot_ of the situation that needed to be covered.

"Well I guess...he hasn't been himself ever since I found him in Angel Alley _,_ " I began with stating the obvious. "and...this past month has just been a nightmare for the both of us. We haven't talked since the day he came back home."

"Why not?" Cat asked softly.

I clenched my jaw, holding back the tears that tried and failed to leak from my eyes. "Because..." I whispered, swallowing back a voice wobble. "...because he knows I love him."

Cat sighed sadly. "I kinda got that vibe from the night we bought him back. Well...what's so bad about it? Does he not love you back?"

"No no, well...I'm not sure, but I don't think that's the main thing." I shook my head with a frown. "From what he's portrayed, I think he feels guilty. He feels like he's burdened me, when he's actually changed my life. For the better. I wish he knew that, but...I dunno, everything's just such a mess right now."

I couldn't believe I was telling someone this. For such a long time it'd purely just been a conversation with myself, talking about all the feelings I felt with no one but my brain and I. But I guess that can get a little lonely sometimes.

Cat rested her chin in her hand. "Have you tried talking to him?"

"No, not yet." I felt really guilty about my answer, but...I just couldn't.  
Dan was clearly crying out for help in all those nightmares, and all those days of isolation, but I was just stricken by this terror that I would lose him again.

"You should definitely try talking to him, Phil," she told me.

"But I'm scared," my voice wobbled dangerously.

"Why, sweetheart?"

"Because he's everything to me, and if I lost him again then I don't know what would happen," I sniffled, pinching the bridge of my nose to stop myself from sobbing. "I've let him down, I didn't save him sooner and the shame of that is just engulfing me to a state where I don't even know what to do anymore."

She watched me as I buried my face in my hands, producing muffled sniffles to try and reverse back my tears.  
I didn't know talking about him would be so overwhelming.

There was another long pause before Cat spoke up. "Phil," she started. "Dan may be the core problem here, but this session is about you. It's about helping  _you_ out, and I'll help as much as possible but I can't fix what Dan's going through right now. So, because of that, I'm going to ask you this." She placed her hands on the coffee table. "What do  _you_ want to happen? What will make  _you_ happy if something changed?"

I looked down, smiling gently as I thought of the possibilities. "I want us to be friends again. No matter what's happening with the police. Yes, it's a big thing, but...I believe that we can both get through it. I want him to know that I trust him with everything I have, and he's no burden to me at all. Whether it be romantic love or not, it's there. And I don't want it to go to waste." I smirked sadly to myself. "Well, I guess it won't ever go to waste...it's always gonna be there. Whether I want it there or not, it won't fade. So I want us to use it; create a friendship that's unbreakable, that no past can get in the way of. Just move on from everything, leave the past in the past. Because it doesn't matter, not anymore." I took a few deep breaths, a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. "I guess...that's what'll make me happy."

I looked up, and my heart dropped down to my stomach as the whole room just seemed to disintegrate around me—all apart from the door.

I gazed up at his teary eyes as he stood in the doorway, peeking through the tiny crack in the door, his delicate hand clutching the wood as his mind processed every word I said.

Oh my God. Every word. He heard every word.

The moment he realised that I'd seen him, his eyes disconnected from mine, and he quickly moved away from the doorway, hearing him race back upstairs.

I wanted to follow him—but that same paralysis came back, ordering me to leave him alone.

"Phil? You look a bit startled," Cat questioned with a frown.

I quickly looked back to Cat, as if I'd just been abruptly awoken from a deep sleep. "I-I'm fine."

_He heard every word._

☾

I pressed the glass to my lips, the alcohol wafting into my nostrils as I took a fairly large gulp.  
It wasn't pointless drinking, it was just to relax me a little bit. I'd been off of it for a while, as Cat advised me to take a break from drinking, but when situations are beginning to crush me, a bottle of wine is the only thing that gives me mild support.   
And mild support is all I have right now.

I sighed in frustration, clicking the TV off.  
Dan didn't come downstairs tonight. I don't know why I was surprised, but whatever. I wasn't used to the way he acted around me; I just wanted it all to stop. But I didn't know how to put an end to it without freaking out and not knowing what to say.

I placed the empty cup on the coffee table, and got up off the couch and walked out of the living room.

I sleepily dragged myself upstairs, trundling into my room and belly-flopping onto my bed. My eyes flickered over to my digital alarm clock, checking the time.

_1:43am._

Jeez, I knew it was early—but not  _that_ early.  
All of that time wasted on waiting for something that wasn't going to happen. It made me feel queasy, almost.

My ears pricked up as I heard a familiar noise.  
I soon identified it as Dan's whimpers, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to sleep before the guilt washed over me too much—but it was too late. I was already aching all over from the excruciation of not being able to help someone.

His whimpers began to grow louder and more panicked, and soon I could hear his muffled screams through the walls separating our rooms.

My eyes scrunched together and I clutched the pillow, tears seeping through the creases in my eyelids as I was forced to listen to his suffering.

But that's when I realised—I don't have to let this happen. Neither of us had to endure it every night if I just did something.  
The whole paralysis thing just sounded like a shit excuse for me being a goddamn wuss. I can't live my entire time with him like this. I need to get that adrenaline kick through the obstacles so that I wasn't so stuck—and his blood-curdling screams of terror were pulling my body off of the bed, moving one foot in front of the other and bursting into Dan's room.

I gasped for air, as if I'd run a marathon, and stared at Dan in horror.  
His whole body was trembling as his body heaved out poor excuses for breaths, and sweat poured from his face and stuck in Dan's hair strands as he screamed into the covers, in pure horror.

I raced over to him, sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. I placed my hands on his shoulder and shook him gently. "Dan," I whispered. "Dan you're having a nightmare. Wake up, it's okay."

His screams transformed into heavy wheezes, and I knew he was having another panic attack. In his sleep.

I shook him harder. "Dan, it's me. It's Phil. Please wake up, I've got you. We'll tackle this panic attack."

His heavy wheezes continued, but his eyelids slowly opened. I gazed down at them, filled with fear.

He was crying out for help. I know he was.

"Dan?' I squeezed his shoulders.

Unexpectedly, both of his hands gripped ahold of my arm. "P-Phil I-I'm gunna die," he mumbled quickly in between wheezes.

"No you're not," I told him firmly. "We're gunna get through this, okay? Now, take some deep breaths with me. Take a big breath in."  
I took a big breath, and he followed my lead, his whole body like a plate of jelly.

We held the breath for a second. "Now breathe out," I exhaled, and he copied my motion, once again exploding into unstable breaths.

We kept doing this, my determination keeping me going and keeping me from freaking out.

Eventually, his body began to relax and his breathing began to regulate.  
His head flopped back onto the pillow, his eyes closing once again to rest them.

I released my hands from his shoulders, slowly placing them back in my lap as I watched him drift off to sleep.

He fell asleep very quickly, and I wasn't even surprised at his exhaustion after going through this countless nights in a row.

I draped the sheets over him as he gently snored without any nightmares disturbing his sleep.

I decided to stay for a little while, just to make fully sure he'll be okay.  
I shifted slowly so that my body laid on its side, facing Dan with caution and carefulness.  
I really didn't wanna wake him, not after that.

I observed his features, watching his nostrils delicately flare in and out as he breathed, and his eyelids occasionally fluttering as he slept soundly.  
He was so beautiful, no matter what state he's in. He always manages to make me smile.

Watching Dan sleep gave me a small memory fest of old Dan.  
Old Dan was beginning to shine through a bit, but whether that was only because he was sleeping or that it was late at night I was unsure of.

Who knows?

He's still Dan, and I realised that's all I needed.

 


	20. chapter 19

**Phil**

I slowly drifted out of my tired haze, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as a yawn followed.  
I freed my vision as my eyelids lifted, and the sunlight beamed through the window, lighting up the room. Looked almost angelic first thing in the morning.

Then I realised.

My face dropped and I sharply shot up, my head shooting round the room I laid in like a distressed meerkat.

I'd fallen asleep in Dan's room—and Dan wasn't in the bed.  
Instead there was a folded piece of paper.

I grabbed onto it, shakily unfolding it and reading the scraggly handwriting on the page.

_I think we need to talk. Meet me in the garden._   
_\- d_

"Fuck," I cursed, slamming the note face-down back onto the mattress.

I wasn't ready to talk. Maybe that's just because I'm a wuss. But what if it goes wrong? What if he tells me that he's leaving again?  
'What if's swarmed into my head like bees and nerves filled my gut.

I slipped on some clothes and quickly ran my fingers through my hair, and after brushing my teeth I slowly crept downstairs, as if there were bombs selectively planted around the house.

I walked through to the back and, sure enough, there he was. He stared up at the morning sun, smoke passing through the air as it escaped through his mouth and the burning cigarette he held between his fingers.

Gulping, I stepped out of the back door, approaching him nervously. I stood next to him, and I knew he'd acknowledged me, he just didn't look at me.

Quiet passed between us as we embraced the calm before the storm. The birds sang, the trees swayed, the clouds passed on by—it was a beautiful day. It was good to admire it sometimes, especially when you're in the middle of a stressful situation.

The peace and quiet was nice, but sometimes quiet is violent.

Dan inhaled another load in his cigarette, and I watched out of the corner of my eye as it dissolved into the atmosphere from a mere breath.

_Say something_ my brain screamed at me, and my body stiffened as I forced out strained syllables.  
"W-Where'd you g-get those?" I squeezed out, and I could physically feel the ice between us melt away at the edges as I spoke the first sentence to him after a month of silence.

A stupid thing to say when there's so many more important questions waiting in line, but it was  _something,_ and that's all that mattered.

He dropped the cigarette, placing his foot over it and putting it out, causing it to sizzle under his shoe. "From Alfie. He gave them to me at Angel Alley," he replied with a small shrug. "That was the last one, though."

I nodded slowly, looking down at my feet. I would've lectured him about talking to me instead of turning to cigarettes, but I understood why he was doing it.

Like me with alcohol, we all have a coping mechanism, and that was obviously his. I wasn't stopping him, well not yet at least.

Because during that month, words failed the both of us.

I heard Dan take some weighted breaths before he spoke. "So...I spent a month not talking to you. I hoped it'd help us both move on from whatever feelings were there, and I hoped that'd be less of a burden." He let out a humourless laugh. "But doing that has made things just as bad, so now either one I do is gunna end in pain and heartbreak anyway. So...I'm honestly just stumped. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here."

I frowned over at him, carefully studying his expression as if I'd opened an intricate picture-book. He chewed on his nails in what looked like nervousness, awaiting my answer.

I opened my mouth. "I..." I managed to get out. "I...guess, if it's gunna end the same way then...we should pick one."

"But I don't know which one to pick because they're both gunna end with bad results," Dan sighed, shaking his head.

"It might not," I barely whispered.

"Phil. There's no getting out of this," Dan mumbled, massaging his temple. "But I don't wanna talk about that right now. If we're gunna choose then we have to do it now. So...what are we gunna do, Phil?"

I kicked a stone on the ground gently. "...Well do you  _want_  to continue being silent with me, Dan?"

I could almost see the mental debate he had in his head with his Dad, and from the way his face winced and tightened every small second, I knew how lost he'd become.

After a few more moments of mental debate, he tangled his fingers through his bouncy curls and scrunched his eyes up.

"N-No," he admitted with a wobbly sigh. "Of course I don't. I hate this. But I don't even know what's for the best or worst anymore." He looked down at the worn away cigarette on the ground, listening to the fading sizzle of it still going out. He gently prodded it with his shoe, whispering the next sentence. "Maybe...maybe I should just leave, Phil."

"No!" I grabbed his arm without thinking, and he looked up with shock.  
His eyes glittered with pent-up emotions, dying to just spill out.  
I wanted to tell him that it's okay to cry, it's okay to break down—but I too was on the verge of tears, and feared that I would burst if he did.

I eased the grip on his shoulder, speaking a bit quieter. "That's...not an option, Dan."

He looked down back at his feet. "But the longer I stay with you, the more you'll get into trouble, Phi—"

I silenced him, pulling him forward into a tight hug, clinging onto his shoulders.   
It felt so good to have him close again.

Dan didn't pull away, but his body had obviously stiffened in shock.  
I took in his warmth, clutching onto him with an almost suffocating tightness—but I didn't wanna let him go.

If the only way to keep him here was to embrace him where he stood, then I'd not hesitate. I'd cradle him to my chest for as long as I was challenged for. As the clouds went by, the flowers wilted, as our skin grew wrinkled—I'd do it.  
That option was so much better than watching him walk away into the unknown, with no one to place his trust in.

I felt Dan place a hand on my chest, pushing slightly. "P-Phil—"

I clung onto him tighter, my hands beginning to shake as I didn't release him.

Dan didn't move again, but he didn't stay silent. "Phil let go—"

"—No." I wobbled, squeezing my eyes shut as a few tears escaped from my tear ducts. "I'm not gunna let you leave, Dan. You're my best friend. I can't live without you."

He froze, letting me weep into the fabric of his clothes, soaking his shoulders in my salty tears.

After a solid minute, I felt his arms wrap around me. My crying ceased slightly as I felt his embrace squeeze back at mine, and he rested his chin on my shoulder.

"...Do you really want me to stay, Phil?"

"Yes. More than anything H-Dan," I stuttered, mentally cursing myself for almost using 'Hun'.  
He seemed to let it slide though, as I felt him deeply sigh and relax his tensed-up body.

"...Okay. I'll stay."

I pulled away, a small smile tugging at my lips through the tears. "R-Really?"

He nodded, smiling at me. "Yes really," he giggled.

"Does this mean we're friends again?" I asked him.

"Phil, the only time that we weren't friends was when we hadn't met each other yet," he laughed, giving off one of his beaming smiles for the first time in so long.

I thought my heart was going to burst with pride at the first return of old Dan.  
When he was happy, it was like a perfect, crisp, fresh music note sang at such a beautiful range, and it made the back of my spine tingle with excitement.

I giggled with him. "Well, as we're talking again," I began, a small smirk on my face. "can we watch  _Attack On Titan_ season three?"

I watched in amusement as his whole face morphed from happiness to absolutely gobsmacked. "There's a new season!?" He nearly screeched, and then proceeded to marching inside in front of me. "Sign me the fuck up."

I couldn't stop laughing as he paraded around the kitchen like a zoo animal let loose, heading straight for the cupboard with the popcorn in it.

As he aggressively poured the popcorn into a big bowl, I couldn't help but sneak a look down at the picture on my necklace.

We were literally about to relive how we used to be. Maybe not romantically, but I was okay with that.  
I loved him in every single way, including friendly love, so what does it even matter?

We went into the living room, queuing up the first episode with the popcorn bowl in between our legs.  
Dan giggled with excitement, and almost knocked over the bowl. We were both very much fangirls when it came to fictional anime characters.

About halfway through the episode, I noticed that Dan's excitement had died down a lot. This may have been because he was hooked to what was happening in the episode—but he wasn't even looking at the screen.  
He seemed lost in his own thoughts.

"Dan?" I tilted my head over at him. "What's up?"

He sighed slowly, reaching for the remote and pressing pause.   
He ran his tongue over his bottom lip. "I feel like...you deserve an explanation," he admitted.

I frowned. "For what, exactly?"

He smirked sadly. "Everything."

There was so much of the situation that'd been left uncovered, I didn't even know where to start.

"You...don't have to tell me if you're not ready, Dan," I told him seriously.

"Yeah, I know," he smiled lightly, making my stomach twist in a knot. "I want to talk about it. I'll feel better once you know everything. So...ask away, Phil."

He definitely  _looked_ as if he wanted to talk about it, so I didn't dismiss the offer.

First I asked him about his friends, and he talked to me about how he first met Louise at reception when they used to hate each other. The "sand in eyes" story especially made me giggle.

He then talked about Tyler, who'd not been his friend for that long but it felt like he'd known him all his life. He even opened up about the fact that they had a small thing going on, which I found hilarious to tease him about.

I didn't talk about the night I saw Louise because I knew he really missed his old friends, and that he didn't wanna even consider the possibility of her knowing.

I then asked him about his dad. I already knew a lot about him, but the more I discovered about him, the more I could get mouthy about him in front of Dan. I heard  _a lot_ of punishment horror stories that Dan shared with me, and it just made me even angrier.

I always believed that death was never the answer—but I could see some understanding of his death.

On that subject, I questioned things about what happened the day he killed him, and he told me the whole story of how it went about. The fact that he'd used Tyler as bait for Dan was the most disgusting thing I'd heard of since fizzy milk.

But when he talked about the mirror shard that he sliced through his skin, it just confused me at how the press and the police was making such a big deal over this whole thing. They didn't even know about the entirety of the situation.  
If he hadn't have killed him, then his dad would've killed them both anyway.

It made me question why self defence was such a massive crime all of a sudden.

I asked him a lot of things, until I knew nearly every detail about him; from the day he was born, to the colour of his braces when he got them at 12 years old. It was an incredibly interesting conversation.

"Can I ask you one last question?" I mumbled, resting the back of my head against the propped-up sofa cushions.

"Of course," Dan replied, taking a piece of popcorn and popping it into his mouth.

"What...what made you go down Angel Alley? What happened throughout those six months?"

After he'd taken in my question, he let out a small wheeze-laugh. "This is gunna take a while to say. Are you sure you wanna hear all of it?"

I gave him a nod. "Every detail you can think of."

☾

**7 months earlier...**

**Dan**

The more I ran from home, the more I felt my heart tear to shreds. It physically hurt to walk away from him, when all I wanted to do was race up to him and hug him with an extreme tightness that guaranteed safety.

Hah, I was pretty selfish for thinking of all these thoughts about him—but I just couldn't help it.  
He was everything to me, and I couldn't stop the physical pain from being away from Phil.

I slowed down my run, pressing my back against the wall and choking out a sob that was slightly muffled from the back of my hand.

I may never see him again.

Was that really the final conversation I had with him—not even a face-to-face goodbye?? But an explosive argument??

_Could've easily just avoided all of that by walking away from him in the first place._

"Shut the fuck up, Dad," I snapped, wiping my eyes vigorously. "I listened to you in the end, what more do you fucking want?"

He simply replied with a victorious cackle, and I clawed at my hair in anger and frustration.

I didn't know where I was gunna go from here. It was as if there was a magnetic field attracting me towards the direction of home.  
I was repelling against it, and it just wasn't natural. It was so forced as I continued on through the streets, putting one foot in front of the other. I knew I needed to be quick if I wanted to cease risks of Phil trying to find me—but I couldn't bear it.

This wasn't meant to happen. The books of fate had clearly just gone into self-destruct, because this wasn't supposed to occur.

Suddenly I froze, as a chill wiggled through my spine. My head slowly turned to the side, and I let out a rattling breath and I swayed on my feet.

Squinting in the darkness confirmed that the sign sitting a few yards away definitely read  _Angel Alley._

A surge of fear swooped through me as I remembered walking through there with Phil. One journey down there was enough to tell me that place couldn't be trusted one bit, especially the people in it.

I went to walk away, but then I stopped for a moment.  
The fact that they were bad people probably wasn't a danger to someone like me, because I'm a danger myself. I mean, if I acted like a saint and tried to talk to them then, let's be real, I'd probably die in there. But the fact that I've done wrong too; the proof that I wasn't going to get them busted for what  _they've_ done—it gave me a better chance of gaining their trust.

That advantage alone routed me through the alley. I didn't even consider the disadvantages, which, I probably should've.   
But where else would I go? Where else would be so hidden away like this?

I needed to take the chance, even if it costed me my life.

I continued down there (which was a lot more scary alone in the dark), creeping through and searching through the darkness with suspicion.  
I probably looked like a lost mouse. Which, in itself, made it even more dangerous.

I froze in the spot where I passed the gang last time, and my stomach lurched when the place they once stood was empty.

I gulped, opening my chapped lips. "H-Hello?" I barely breathed.

All I heard in response were ambient drips from the damp drains.

Then, on spur of moment, two mighty forces wrapped around my chest and mouth, locking me into the position I stood in daunting terror as the two forces fixed me there, unable to move a muscle.

The moment the word 'DANGER' was broadcasted in my brain, I squirmed under the grips of arms, kicking my helpless feet in desperation to break away.

"Hold still," I heard a harsh voice hiss.

I opened my scrunched-up eyes, breathing in and out of my nose rapidly.

I was already getting flashbacks to the way my dad held me down; the way I struggled to escape, to speak, to breathe...

My sight told me that a figure stood in front of me, holding a knife with a white-knuckled grip.   
He smiled at me coldly, giving me the sadistic vibe almost instantly.

"If we remove the hand from your mouth, you're not gunna scream, you're not gunna cry out for help, you're gunna stay silent and only speak when asked a question," he directed quickly. "You slip up then you're dead, got it?"

I nodded with zero hesitation, knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to speak much anyway as a result of pure shock.

I felt the hand loosen over my mouth and was then removed altogether. I took a big breath through my mouth to regulate my breathing at least a little bit to keep me from going into a panic attack.

The grip of the unknown figure stayed behind me as the man in front of me began the interrogation. "So, what brings you down here, buddy?" He said with an unsettlingly calm voice.

"I...I..." I found myself stumbling over my letters at the completely inconvenient time, as the man looked eager to kill me. I took a few shaky deep breaths to try and regain my basic communication skills, and spoke. "I...need somewhere to hide. I'm on the run from the police."

He gave me an amused frown. "What'd you do? Steal a chocolate bar from your gran's sweetie pot?" He snorted.

"N-No," I defended, sighing. "It's...definitely worse than that."

He nodded slowly in mock understanding, dragging his fingertip across the smooth metal of the knife. "What's your name, sugar?" He questioned, staring down at the knife as he continued to fiddle with it.

"M-My name is Daniel James Howell," I stuttered.

"Woah woah woah," I heard someone else say. We all turned to the direction of the voice to see another guy standing there, merely a black silhouette in the darkness. "You're the one who killed your dad, right?"

I heard him cackling distantly in my mind as I struggled to admit to the wrong I'd done.

But eventually, I nodded. "Yeah. That's me."

Silent communication passed around through the group's frowns, and the focus soon returned to me. "Joe, check him for wires or weapons," the man in front of me ordered.

The guy who went by Joe walked round from behind us, and started fumbling through my pockets and patting around my body for threats.

He got down to my wrist, seeing the bracelet and catching hold of it to canvass the object.

The guy holding the knife grappled the thing that kept me closest to Phil.  
He snickered. "The fuck is this?"

"N-No please," I stammered, fidgeting in the tenacious hold. "That's the only memory of home I have left, please don't take it..."

The guys around me cracked up laughing as tears threatened to spill. I kept them swallowed back, telling myself to stay strong.

He shook his head, and much to my relief, he handed it back to me. I grabbed it back, clasping it in my palms as Joe proceeded searching me.

He picked out my phone, which was buzzing with messages.  
I got a glimpse of one as it passed my eye, and it said something like  _'don't do this.'_

"We have to destroy evidence, sorry sugar," the guy in front of me said with fake sweetness.  
I watched as my phone slapped against the ground, before Joe stomped on the screen repetitively with the heel of his foot.

It was for the best, but when all those messages from Phil were brimming my notifications, it caused every stamp to pang at my heart so that I felt every blow.

I stared down at the pile of glass shards that was once my phone, managing to stay calm.  
The bracelet that curled up in my sweaty palm released a calming energy that spoke to me softly.

_'It's goin_ _g_ _to be okay' , 'You'll get through this_ '—messages like that floated in a circle around my head, and although I didn't believe them, they kept me clinging to the edge of sanity. Just enough for me not to have a meltdown.

A hand faced towards me, and I was too dazed to acknowledge it at first—but then I saw that it was a handshake motion.

I turned my head up to the guy.

"I'm Alfie. Alfie Deyes," he introduced himself.

Hesitantly, I shook his hand.  
His grip was unsettlingly firm, a bit like my dad's.

Once we'd shaken hands, Alfie pointed to the two other guys. "The one holding you is Chris, and the one over your shoulder is Joe. You can stay with us, but we have a few rules which you need to follow if you don't wanna get kicked outta Angel Alley. Got it?"

I nodded quickly, and he continued. "Rule number one, is never leave here unless absolutely necessary. We're all hiding too, but we won't tell you why until we trust you a bit more. Well, all apart from Joe. He's got a job 'n' stuff and that's how we survive down here. We sometimes leave here but not all the time, Joe is the one who leaves the most."

That probably explained why he was the only one who knew who I was.

"Rule number two, is don't let our group knife get into the wrong hands. As you can see," Alfie ran his finger along the cold metal. "this is our knife. We don't trust you enough to give it to you yet, so that's not much of an issue as of now. And rule number three," he started, looking up at me with icy-cold eyes. He slowly stepped closer to me, and he bought the knife close to my face. The metal touched my skin and I felt the small, individual hairs on my neck stand on end.

He gave me a menacing smile. "If you don't obey me, or if you piss me off in the slightest way possible, I will fuck you up. You understand, sugar?"

I didn't wanna know what he meant by that.

"I-I understand," I stammered.

"Good." He stepped away from me again (much to my relief) and looked at Chris. "You can release him now."

I felt the grip around me loosen a great amount, and I wanted to scream with relief as my movement wasn't restricted anymore.

The three of them took a step away from me. "Every night someone needs to do night watch, and tonight it's Joe's turn. The rest of us get some sleep. Howell, you'll be on night watch tomorrow."

I nodded quickly. "Okay."

I didn't care what kind of people I was involved with at that moment, I just needed to focus on remaining in this hiding place for as long as I could.

We basically separated widely across the long alleyway whilst Joe stood next to the graffiti-clad sign, staring out for any threats.

I huddled up in my coat, shivering as the chilly breeze swept through me.

I'd forgotten that it was still Christmas Day. Wow, the one time Christmas seemed to last a lifetime, it was a complete nightmare.

I felt so awful for ruining potentially everyone's Christmas, especially Phil's. He had so much hope for this year, and I'd gone and completely flushed it down the drain.

I removed the bracelet from my wrist, staring down at it as the moon's light bounced off the crystals.  
My eyes skimmed the four letters over and over again, tears filling my eyes the more I read it.

I pressed the possession to my lips, and fell asleep clinging onto the accessory.

I would say I clung to it like it was all I had—but it really was all I had now.

☾

**Phil**

I watched Dan silently as he stared down at his bracelet, fiddling with it whilst twitching his mouth slightly.

"There's a lot more to it, now that I think about it," he mumbled. "They didn't seem that bad when I first met them all, but...I don't really wanna talk about the rest of it. I'm sorry."

I was quick to shake my head. "Don't be silly, it's fine. You tell me whenever you're ready, Dan."

He sighed, and I noticed his bottom lip begin to wobble.

I frowned, putting my chin in my palm. "What's the matter?" I asked him softly.

He wiped his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve, sniffing loudly. "It's just...I've never known someone to care about me so much. Don't get me wrong, Tyler and Louise were the best friends ever. With you it's like that...but so much stronger. Even after all the wrong that I've done, you just don't seem to care. I've never understood why, but I'm just... _so_ thankful."

I breathily chuckled. "Dan," I whispered. "All those things you overheard when I was having my session...I meant every word. I trust you, more than anything or anyone else. I very much am careful with my trust, but with you it just instantly clicked. The media may label you as "murderer" or "psycho", but to me you're just... _Dan._ And my label is the right one. No one can tell me otherwise."

His glistening brown eyes peered up at me, and I could see a hint of happiness beginning to process in his mind.

He looked down at his lap. "Phil...can I have a hug?"

I smiled at his request. "Of course you can."

I gradually shuffled over so that I was sat right up against him, and carefully linked my left arm around his shoulders. As I pulled him closer to me, I felt his own arms snake around my waist as his cheek pressed up against my chest, where he probably heard how fast my heart was beating at that moment.

Our bodies slowly relaxed as we embraced each other with not too much tightness but enough for it to be a comfortable, protective hug.

My left hand rested on top of Dan's curls in which my fingers couldn't help but coil around them.

"C-Can you promise to stay here until I fall asleep?" He whispered.

A blush dusted my cheeks. "Of course, I promise. Sweet dreams."

I sensed his little dimpled smile from here. "You too, Philly."

And I guess I broke another promise to Dan that night.   
Because I didn't only stay there until he fell asleep. I stayed there all night, watching him drift into the hands of sleep peacefully.

And for the first time in ages, Dan didn't have a nightmare.

 


	21. chapter 20

**Phil**

_Knock knock knock._

_..._

_Knock knock knock._

"Hey, Phil! I know you're in there!"

Consecutive banging echoed throughout the house, causing my eyes to snap open. My eyes travelled skeptically around the room until every trace of sleep had sailed out of me.

I let out a yawn, trying to stretch out—but a certain someone was blocking my action.

My head tilted down to Dan, and I smiled softly as I watched him sleep.  
He remained in the same position he fell asleep in last night, with his cheek squished up against my chest and his arms wrapped around my waist. His mouth had dropped loosely so that small, soft breaths could gradually escape in and out, and his curls still tangled up over his eyes, gently touching his forehead and glabella.

He looked utterly peaceful, and as that was probably the first proper sleep he'd gotten in so long, I wasn't surprised.

"Phil! Open the door!"

I jolted in shock, causing Dan to stir in his sleep. His eyes slowly blinked open in confusion as I cursed myself in panic.

"Shit I'm sorry for waking you," I whispered, shifting up and supporting his head as I moved.

"What's going on?" He mumbled, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

"U-Uh," I stammered, searching around the room desperately.

Should I just not answer the door? Wait until he leaves? But Pj will probably call the police if I'm apparently not in my house, because he takes one extreme to the other.

"Dan get in the kitchen," I directed quickly, standing up off of the couch and running my fingers through my hair briskly.

He frowned up at me, carefully sitting himself up. "W-Why? What's happening?" He spoke in disjunction.

On the split second he finished his sentence, the door-banging returned. "Phil wake the hell up! It's urgent!!"

As soon as Pj's voice reached Dan's eardrums, his face dropped in alarm. "O-Oh," he breathed, and got to his feet with slight unsteadiness as a result of just waking up.  
I steadied him with a hand on his shoulder, and quickly led him to the kitchen.

"Stay here," I told him, and hurriedly shut the door.

I jogged to the front door and finally opened it, revealing a very annoyed Pj.  
"Morning, Peej," I greeted, trying to hide the clear nervousness in my voice with a tight smile.

"You took your fucking time," he tutted, walking inside after I'd stepped out of the way.  
He marched forwards a small distance, making my stomach lurch.

_He was so close to the kitchen._

"U-Uh, sorry I fell asleep," I lied, cringing at how obvious my voice sounded.

I've never really been one for acting, but the skill was very much needed at that time, it seemed.

"For goodness sake, Phil," Pj facepalmed. "Anyway, let's get to the point. I know this is your day off but we need you to come in today."

I stopped in my tracks, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "Wait why?" I questioned him, stuck in a constant loop of anxiousness.

"Because we have a fancy business person coming to review the place and we need you there! The shop isn't complete without you," Pj babbled.

My eyes widened as the processors in my brain failed to function what was going on.  
Dan was hiding, Pj doesn't know he's here, and he's saying something about work. The more information I heard, the more my blind panic rose.

"O-Okay?" I answered, only just realising what he'd said.

My face dropped at the sudden thought that occurred—I was gonna have to leave Dan home alone.  
Did I trust that Dan wasn't gunna run away again? Did I trust that he was gunna stay here without a problem?  
The answer was, not really.  
And now that we're friends again, leaving him behind is even worse.

I guess he would've left a long time ago if he felt so obliged to get away from me, but I couldn't help but worry all the same.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he'd be coming today," Pj stressed. "I just want everything to be perfect."

"Hey, it's no problem, you know I enjoy work anyways," I reassured him, patting his shoulder.

I decided to worry about leaving Dan alone later—for now I was focused on not getting him caught by Pj.  
He was being very quiet at that moment, so I was kind of comforted by that.

"What would I do without you, Phil?" He chuckled. "Well, he gets to the shop in an hour, so be there as soon as you can."

I nodded once. "Got it."

Pj held his thumbs up and began walking back towards the front door. "Cool, well I'll meet you the—"

A loud bang was heard from the kitchen, and I felt my face go very clearly achromatic.

_Shit._

I prayed to God that Pj didn't hear it—but his head had already snapped to the kitchen door with a raised eyebrow.  
I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there with a very forced smile on my face, wishing the ground would just swallow me up.

Pj's eyes looked back to me. "What was that?" He asked.

"U-Uh," I stammered apprehensively. "I...don't know?"

After a small moment of ground-breaking silence, Pj began walking towards the kitchen door.  
I hurriedly stepped in front of it, gulping.

He studied my expression with a frown. "What are you hiding, Phil?" He challenged.

I tried searching for a reply. I really did. But the only thing my mouth could produce was silence.

Unexpectedly, Pj cracked open a massive, mischievous grin.  
"Ah, I know what's going on," he observed carefully.

My eyes broadened in fear. "W-What?"

He crossed his arms. "You hooked up with someone."

I was about to furiously deny his bold presumption—but that was probably the excuse that'd get me out of this awkward situation.  
"N—I...I mean, yeah?" I cringed intensely.

I wasn't the type of person to "hook up" with someone at all, it felt so wrong talking about this.

But I had to protect Dan, even though it was awkward as flaming hell.

Pj smiled widely with amusement. "Who's the mystery person then, eh?" He pushed.

He reached for the door handle and I hurriedly whacked my hand over it before he could touch it.

"No don't! H-He's getting changed!" I blurted, instant regret washing over my body.

Pj laughed in shock. "I cannot believe this, I never thought you'd be the type to do this!" He chattered in awe.

I chuckled nervously, scratching the back of my neck. "Yeah," I dragged out. "W-Well, I'll meet you at work, Peej!"

"Ah yeah, I'll leave you with your mister," he wiggled his eyebrows, and I encouraged him out of the front door until he finally and thankfully left.

I watched him walk down the porch, and once I was positive that he'd left I jogged to the kitchen door and swung it open.

At first I had to search around the room a bit—until I spotted Dan cowering under the table in what looked like shame and tension.

His head peered up when he saw me in the doorway. "Phil?" He whispered, unsure as to whether Pj was gone or not.

Sighing, I wandered to the table and squatted down, peeking at him with my head tilted sideways. "What on earth was that bang?" I asked him softly.

He scratched his head in embarrassment. "I...wasn't fully out of my sleep yet, and I fell asleep for a brief second and crashed into the table," he mumbled. "I hid under the table because I thought he was gunna come in."

I had to take a moment to look at him in pure astonishment at what he'd just admitted to. I couldn't help but giggle hysterically, covering my mouth in attempt to stifle them.

He watched as my giggle got more rich in sound, his neutral expression gradually stretching to an embarrassed smile. "Stop laughing," he flushed, giving me a poke on the shoulder. "I should be the one laughing at  _you_ for all of that improv out there a minute ago."

My amusement halted, morphing into bashfulness. It was Dan's turn to laugh.

"Shush, you," I warned him as he continued to laugh. "I panicked, okay?"

After a short while, his laughs died down. His smile fell and his gaze dropped to the floor.  
"Does Pj really hate me now?" He mumbled sadly, twiddling his thumbs.

A pang of sadness for him hit me, and I exhaled a long, weighted sigh. "Of course not," I told him honestly.

"You don't have to lie," he said. "I deserve to see the consequences of what I've done."

I frowned, observing his melancholy with guilt.  
I ducked my head so that I could crawl down under the table, and sat myself next to him. I still sat about one inch away from him for personal space, but I couldn't help but want him closer.

Space makes it more difficult to give the best comfort.

"Look, Dan," I breathed. "Pj has been my best friend for a very long time now. He was there for me through my roughest times, and because of that, he's overprotective of me. It's not that he doesn't like you, Dan. Deep down I'm sure that he doesn't hate you, but it's difficult for him because he doesn't understand the whole of the situation right now. He means well, I know he does."

A sad smirk twitched on Dan's lips. "It seems that  _everyone_ doesn't understand the situation right now."

I placed a hand on his shoulder. "I know. But they will one day, all of them will. I mean, I didn't understand at first—but I've  _never_ hated you at any point in that time period. So I can't see why it's not the same for others."

Dan hummed in response, dropping his hands in his lap.  
His head drifted to the side, resulting in it resting on my shoulder lightly. "I just wanna be happy again, Phil," he admitted, with added thickness to his voice. "I wanna go back to December again. Before all the bullshit happened. That was the best month of my life."

"Me too, Dan," I agreed softly, pulling him into a side-hug. "But December will come around again. It'll be filled with even more happiness."

Dan's head craned up to look into my eyes. "You think so?" He questioned.

Innocence swam in those eyes of dark brown—rather ironic, to some people. But to me, it made perfect sense.

I gently smiled back at him. "I know so."

It may not have been a solid promise—but it still held hope, and to me, that's what counted.

We sat in that position for a little while, comfortably quiet and just appreciating each other's presence.

It was funny how uncomfortable silences were so rare between us. Even on the first week of knowing each other, we just never had a damn care in the world.   
And I guess, little things like that spoke volumes because, well, here we are after all this drama.

Dan soon broke the silence with a confession. "You know, you never left my mind once, Phil," He mumbled, fiddling with the fabric of his shirt. "All that time in Angel Alley just miserably failed to get me to forget about you."

Butterflies rose in my stomach and I couldn't help but grin. "You never left my mind either," I barely whispered, squeezing his shoulder gently. "I always just wished that I'd have not yelled at you, and maybe stayed a little calmer, but I just...got scared. Not  _of_ you, but  _for_ you."

"It was a natural reaction to have, Phil," he told me. "I know it seems weird and unnatural for us to get angry or upset with each other—but when we pull through all of those negative emotions, I guess that's what makes a friendship stronger."

He wasn't wrong about it feeling unnatural. I jut wasn't used to the negative emotions towards each other that we sometimes experienced, because I wanted it to be perfect, and not at risk in any way.

But he was right. Everything comes with at least one risk, but it'd have to take a lot of that risk to break down a friendship.

But Dan and I withheld different emotions, emotions that were not public but there all the same.   
I didn't need to spell it out.

I exhaled a long sigh, and discreetly rested my chin atop of his feather-like hair. "I don't know. I just wish things went a bit differently, that's all," I admitted.

There was a small hesitation before Dan's head tilted up to look at me. "How do you mean?" He breathed.

I saw a hint of shock flash in his watery eyes at the unexpected closeness of our faces. I was quite shocked too, as my eyesight had direct access to his chestnut orbs all of a sudden, and our noses were almost brushing together. Just a small nudge forwards and they'd be touching.

"I..." I whispered, finding it difficult to process an answer when I was so distracted and mesmerised by this boy's eyes.

It'd been so long— _too_ long—since we'd been this close, and I forgot what it felt like. All the butterflies, all the explosions to my nerve endings, all those familiar sensations that I'd craved had just tumbled back in a mess of red-faced bashfulness that I'd almost forgotten over all that time.

It felt amazing.

"I...just wish that perfect moment in the snow on Christmas could've lasted forever," I eventually stammered out.

We stared into each other's eyes, absorbing every detail that our brains may have left out.  
I saw the recollection flicker in his eyes as he remembered that fateful night, swaying together without a damn care in the world with music lifting us off the ground into a faraway land, where no one could ever find us.

We were waiting. Waiting for that to miraculously come back to us.

Why couldn't we just stay there? Why can't we go back? Why can't the past become the present?

Thoughts swirled and crowded my brain at that moment as I cowered under the table, with Dan cradled in my arms, just waiting for  _something._

My gaze was stuck between a constant loop of his eyes and his lips, finding myself unable to decide on focusing on just one.

Dan seemed to mirror my actions, both of us at lost of where to go, or how to get back to December.

"Y-You're gunna be late for work," Dan mumbled, tearing his eyes away from mine.

Disconnecting from those eyes so abruptly was like my body had been torn in half.

It took me a few seconds of opening and closing my mouth before I finally realised what he'd said.

I unhooked my arm from around his shoulder, shifting hurriedly away from him and clambering out from the table. "R-Right," I replied, a little disorientated. "You'll be alright being home alone for a few hours, won't you?"

He hummed in response, seemingly staying slouched under the table.

I nodded once. "Well, I'll see you then."

It pained me to walk away from him like this with such an unsatisfying end to the conversation, but time was the biggest motherfucker to walk this Earth.

Time was rolling on, erasing memories with every tick of the hand. Swooping round like a vacuum, it doesn't give you many seconds to consider the good times.

And I wish I'd come to that conclusion when we were both happy. Would that slow it down, or speed it up?   
What would've happened if time had slowed down?

Would that phone call have spared just a few minutes so that I had a chance to properly say what I needed to say to Dan?

☾

**Dan**

_You little shit._

I rolled my eyes, belly-flopping onto my mattress and laying there, burying my head between my pillows to try and block out the distant screaming that came with dad's voice.

He'd found the perfect moment to strike; kicking me when I'm already down. I couldn't do much to fight back at this weak point.

_I can't believe you're doing this. You're letting your faggot self take over your mind instead of pushing it away. If I were alive right now, you'd be sorry._

"The only thing taking over my mind right now is you," I hissed. "And you're not even alive—you're dead. So you'd better start accepting that because your words won't get you anywhere."

_Remember, you're the one who murdered me, so saying things like that will also get you nowhere. Fucking idiot._

"I can say whatever I want to you," I spat, my anger rapidly rising. "After all those years of being victim to your sick "creativity", I have every right to get pissed off at you."

_I am trying to help you here!! Staying here with this stupid gay boy is gunna get you nowhere but more trouble, you dumbass!_

"No it won't!" I yelled. "It wouldn't have mattered whether I left or stayed—it'll always end on a wobbly note. So I chose home, not some pathetic excuse for you to taunt me even more than you already have!"

_Oh Daniel._ He did another one of his icy cold cackles.  _If the police found you at this place, then you wouldn't be the only one going off to jail._

My anger calmed, sinking into unsettlement. I sat up, leaning on my knees as I stared at the wall, a sad frown knotting my features. "W-What?" I breathed.

_You idiot. If the police found you here then Phil would be seen as the one that offered a hiding spot for a murderer, and down he'd go. I can't believe you forgot about this, you're just too gay to even see the truth._

As much as I despised my dad with a burning passion—he was right.  
If I stayed here and got caught by the police, Phil and I would most definitely go down together.  
And I didn't want that at all.

_Now grab your things, and leave while you still can._

My eyes flickered over to the digital clock, and Phil's shift still had ages to go. I walked over to the wardrobe, opening it and grabbing my coat. There was a small wad of cash in my pocket, enough to get me through a short while, and I jogged downstairs to grab the front door keys.

I put the key into the lock, but as soon as it slotted in place, I stopped in my tracks.

_'I wanna go back to December again.'_

My own words suddenly broadcasted in my brain.

_'Me too, Dan.'_

Now Phil's voice? What was happening? Why was this all coming to me now?

_'But December will come around again.'_

I let out a shaky sigh, my firm grip on the key loosening as I thought about the words exchanged between us under the table this very morning.

_'It'll be filled with even more happiness.'_

I rested my forehead against the closed door, not knowing what to do.

I wanted December again. I wanted it so bad. I wanted all those cozy decorations back up and all those cheesy Christmas songs playing on the radio again. I wanted to feel the warmth from the fireplace and the fuzziness from the cozy atmosphere.  
All this summer bullshit is overhyped. It's nothing compared to winter. Winter holds so much more power and love.

_'You think so?'_

I saw the rubies on my bracelet glint, almost seeming like a signal. Like it had its own code and it was trying to signal something to me.

_'I know so.'_

But...was it the right thing?  
To stay or to go?

☾

**Phil**

"Jesus, I can't thank you enough for today," Pj stressed as we walked out of Starbucks after a very long day of work. "Like, I know I'm the manager but, having support there from my best friend is a lot more relieving for an anxious person like myself, y'know?"

I gave him a half-smile. "There's no need for thanks, Peej," I chuckled.

My feeling of separation from Pj was slowly beginning to filter through. I'd learnt to push all of his opinions on Dan to the side, and now that I'd finally learnt to do that, I was beginning to feel our friendship glueing back together again.

Deep down I knew that he was a good person. I'll tell him the truth about Dan one day—only when Dan himself is ready, obviously—but I feel like for now any talk between us about Dan shouldn't be discussed.  
Because to Pj, he was a figure of the past.

"But I probably interrupted your plans with your man," Pj complained.

My face nearly exploded when I remembered the embarrassing lie I had to make up. "N-No, not at all," I stammered. "It...was more of a one-night stand anyways, I probably won't see him again."

Pj looked incredibly baffled about me having a "one night stand", which I understood a great amount. I'd probably surprise myself if that'd happened to me.

Pj and I soon departed as I hopped onto my regular train home.   
During the whole journey, I pondered whether Dan was okay or not. I wanted to call him, but his phone was destroyed when he was down Angel Alley. Plus it probably would've contributed some evidence to the police. Which wouldn't be the greatest thing.

As soon as the train came to a halt, I was quick to jog off and rush down the path to my house.

I still wasn't used to the fact that he was back. Sometimes I get random bursts of excitement in my belly just from merely thinking about that occurrence.

I slotted the key through the hole, turning it until it clicked and pushing my shoulder against the wood.

The moment I stepped through the door, I called out to him. "Dan, I'm back," I declared loudly, shutting the door behind me.

Silence.

I frowned, walking down the hall and poking my head up the stairway. "Dan??" I called out a bit louder.

Silence.

I felt panic slowly begin to rise with every second that emitted no sound, and I began searching all the rooms.  
Not in the living room. Nor the bathroom. Nor the kitchen.

"Dan," I yelled a little louder as I bounded up the stairs.

I felt sick to my stomach. I knew this would happen. I knew he'd leave. Why the hell would I think he'd stay after all he's been through?

I tumbled into the last room he could possibly be in—my room—and felt myself deflate all of the panic in such a non-graceful way that I probably looked as if I were in pain.

But the relief didn't last very long when my eyes fully focused on what was in front of me.

Dan was curled up in the corner of the room, his eyes wide open with un-blinked tears streaming down his face as he rocked back and forth with his knees hugged to his chest.  
His face was a very fair shade of white, certainly not matching up to his usual skin tone, and he was taking incredibly wheezy, shallow breaths that didn't sound good at all.

I didn't let the hesitation drag on too long, and I raced over to him, crouching down to meet his height. "Dan?? What's going on?" I babbled, placing a hand on his knee. "Are you having another panic attack?"

He buried his head in his lap, the grip around his legs tightening.

I was struggling to figure out where to place my hands, but they eventually fell upon his hunched shoulders. "Dan, I need you to talk to me, sweetheart," I said as softly as I could, even though my insides were screaming.

His fearful, upset expression turned up to mine slowly, making him look like a lost puppy. His eyes just seemed to read ' _help me'_ over and over again.

"M-My..." he forced out, a loud sob following.

I realized that was most definitely my queue to comfort him in the best way possible at that moment.  
I pulled him into a hug, resting my chin on his head as I slowly rubbed his back, rocking him gently as if he were a newborn child.

I needed to calm him down at least a tiny bit if I wanted him to talk to me.

The moment I embraced him, his tensed-up body loosened in my hold, and he clutched onto my shirt as he wept into the fabric.

Soon after, I decided to try again. I pulled away from him a bit, so that I could look at him whilst we spoke. "What's the matter, Dan?" I asked him calmly.

He took a few trembling breaths before he stuttered it out. "M-My dad," he choked, his voice cracking under the pressure of fresh tears. "H-He keeps talking t-to me, and he w-won't stop y-yelling, Phil."

At first I was confused as to how his dead dad was talking to him—but then I remembered the dialogue mentions, and it all made sense.

I squeezed his hand. "It's okay, Dan. He can't hurt you. I'm here."

Dan's eyes scrunched together, resulting in more tears to seep down his cheeks. "B-But the yelling w-won't stop, Phil," he sobbed, latching onto my hand. "I-It's deafening."

"What's he saying to you?" I asked him, locking my eyes with his.

His chin wobbled as he stared up at me. "H-He told me to leave and...I nearly did," he admitted sadly.

"What??" I exclaimed, slightly taken aback. "But... _why?_  Why would you listen to him, Dan?"

"B-Because...I don't know what's right or wrong anymore," he whispered, his voice trembling. "My heart is telling me to stay with you, because my heart knows what I truly want. But my dad's taunting me every second I stay here and I feel like I'm trapped. I'm not even convinced fully that my dad is dead, even after all this time, because he's still here. In my mind, all the time." He pointed to his head. "And I can't escape him, ever. He's always gunna haunt me, and I don't know how to get rid of him. He feeds off my sadness, and I've had enough, Phil. I just want to disappear into the dark for good."

Every word he uttered, with that thickness to his voice, was like a punch to the gut. It told me more and more of Dan's sadness, and I wished I had a magic wand to wish it all away. If I could, I'd take his place in a heartbeat.

Because he doesn't deserve any of this trauma.

There was a short silence that passed, where we just focused on each other. Our hands clasped together, our eyes locked into place, absolutely transfixed for one beautifully inconvenient moment.

I knew how to help him all of a sudden. "Well, Dan," I whispered, exploring the wetness on his face which I just wanted to wipe away and rid of forever. "if he's feeding off of your sadness...then get rid of it."

Dan's lips curled up into a saddened smile. "Phil, I would never know how to do that. It's almost impossible," he told me softly.

I didn't accept that response; I was determined to prove him wrong.

I got to my feet, pulling him up with me. He stared at me with disguised desperation, which had been covered by a sheet of puzzlement.

I was desperate to see him smile again. Sure, he could put on a fake smile, but that's not a  _smile._  
A smile can be seen sparkling in the irises, dancing in the pupils—it's not only your mouth pulling upwards. It's so much more than that.

"Follow me," I said softly, tugging his hand forwards encouragingly as we slowly walked out of the room. I led him down the stairs, across the hall and into the living room.

He let go of my hand once we'd reached the doorway to the living room. "Phil, what is this?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing into a sad frown.

"Just, come and sit down," I ordered with a gentle tone to my voice. "You can trust me."

There was a small, nervous hesitation from him before he almost tiptoed over to the couch. He perched on the edge of the seat stiffly. "Now what?" He asked with a slight shrug.

I didn't waste anymore time. I walked to the corner of the room, picking up the dusty, neglected guitar that slanted on the wall.

I turned back round to Dan, who stared at the guitar with tears in his eyes.  
But he didn't try to argue with me.

Because I knew he had his trust with me, forever and always.

I approached him almost carefully, and crouched down so I could place the guitar on his lap, moving it so that the curve in the guitar perfectly fit around his right thigh. I guided his hand to the fret positioning with just my fingertips, and proceeded to sit next to him on the couch.  
He stared up at me, tears gliding down his face once more.

I stared back at him, giving him a determined smile. "Let's go back to December for a moment," I whispered to him.

And he played. He played, and sang his heart out. My God, it was heaven-like. I could see the relief crashing its tidal waves around him, drowning out everything. The kill, his dad, his past—all of it. Even if it wasn't permanent, it was an escape. A refresh.  
Soon, the tidal wave will become less choppy, and less likely to become destructive, and the unhappy thoughts will come swimming out of there like immortal beasts—but it was crystal clear that, although it was temporary happiness, it wasn't full-on sadness. And if it's kept up, the sadness will soon run out of oxygen, and it'll drown out for good.

And I can picture that happening for Dan. I mean, here he is belting out something straight from his heart. He had a future, a life to live.   
And the obstacles were not getting in the way. Not anymore.

Dan's song soon trailed off, ending on a gorgeous, husky, low G that sent shivers down my spine.

The way he made every song sound so powerful—it was a gift, and it's gunna be put to good use one day. I just know it.

He let out a shaky sigh, turning his head to face me.  
I searched his eyes—and hope was the only thing I could see. It was a beautiful sight, it truly was.

"T-Thank you, Phil," he whispered, his forehead brushing against mine. "H-He's not yelling anymore. I-I think he's gone."

"You think so?" I whispered back, my heart in my mouth as our closeness tampered with my emotions.

"Mhm. I...I think he knows I've found an escape," he replied, our foreheads pressing together more and more.

"Music?"

"No. You." Our eyes met again. "You're my escape, Phil."

I strangely felt my heartbeat slow down when he said that. Because I realised that I was comfortable around Dan, and there was no need to be afraid. Or nervous. The way we clicked so naturally, it was almost calming.

And I loved it.

I loved  _him._

_I loved him._

I was about to close the heavy distance between us—but I was interrupted by a ringing.

I pulled my head back, slightly startled at the sudden noise—which I came to realise was just my phone ringing.  
Frowning, I took out my phone to see who it was.

I felt the blood drain from my face the moment I looked down at the screen.

"Who is it?" Dan whispered.

I paused, taking one more moment to look at the caller ID before looking back up at Dan in bewilderment.

"It's...it's  _Lav._ "

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *queue non existent dramatic gasps*


	22. chapter 21

** Phil **

Dan and I shared a look of pure disbelief as the phone continued to ring. With every ring that sounded, the closer I was to missing out on the opportunity that I'd been waiting for nearly my entire life. The longer I sat there, paralysed with shock, the less of a chance I had.

But I was scared. It'd been so long since I'd even heard from Lav, and I don't know if I'll be able to cope very well with hearing her voice again.

What if I screwed up? What if I say the wrong thing? I've never thought this through because I didn't think it'd happen to me ever again.

I felt the soft, gentle touch of Dan's palm rest on mine, sending a surge of comfort crashing around me.

I turned to Dan, who gave me a small, caring smile, enhancing his cheekbones that were dusted with pink. "Answer it, Phil," he told me, and he squeezed my hand. "You can do this. I'll be here."

I was experiencing too many emotions at once to even glance down at his hand, but my thumb managed to pick up some determination from God knows where to tap the 'answer' button, and the call began.

I pressed the phone to my ear, taking a few deep breaths. My fingers tightly tangled with Dan's as I prepared myself for what was about to happen.

"H-Hello?" I croaked out.

There was silence on the other end, and all I could hear was heavy breathing.

Then, I finally got a reply. "...Phil? Is that you?"

Her voice hit me like a full-on punch in the face. But it wasn't because I was relieved. It wasn't because I was happy.  
It was because I was confused as to whose voice just spoke to me.

I frowned, feeling my hope deflate once again—but it was bigger and more painful than ever before. "L-Lav? Is that you?" I whispered, feeling the tears prick in my eyes as I already knew the answer.

There was a long, sad sigh from the other end. "N-No. It's not Lav, Phil."

"T-Then who is this?" I choked, feeling my frustration creeping in.  
I felt my stomach twist in such a knot that I couldn't tell how I felt.

I knew I was mad. I was so insanely mad that this girl made me think that my long lost sister was finally calling me. That night when I sent that one final voicemail was the last one I'd send to her before I started trying to move forwards. It was tough to not try just one more time, and not rely on that high of the sickening hope for just a moment longer—especially during the period when Dan was missing.  
And when I thought that, maybe, this time it'll  _definitely_ be her—like an insane amount of bad luck, it catapulted out of the window.

Damn fate, toying with my emotions like this.

"This is...Rose. I don't suppose you remember me. We used to be friends, me and your sister."

My strong frown and my tight grip around Dan's hand loosened a tad, as I recalled old, locked away memories.  
Sneaking out to watch the fireworks together, layered with millions of jackets to deflect the cold with a steaming hot-dog in our gloved hands.

The good times.

"I...I remember," I sighed, a short-lived smile twitching upon my lips as the memories of the night played before my very eyes, like a tape recorder being rewatched after a long period of time.

But I was still mad. I was still angry, despite the recognition.

My expression very quickly switched back to a frown. "Why are you on Lav's phone? Is she there? Where is she??" My voice became more raised as my words reeled in more and more.

It was the hand that I felt clasping mine that kept me from screaming in frustration and breaking down.

"Phil, it's...not something easily said over the phone," Rose admitted, with a sheepish tone to her voice.

"Then where else can it be said, huh? Fucking Mars?" I started to yell. "What are you tryna prove here, Rose? 'Cause if this call was just a smack in the face to remind me that she's gone then—"

"—I'll tell you everything. I'll  _show_ you everything. But...I need you to come to me in person," she urged.

My back straightened, and my eyes broadened.  
I couldn't believe this. Was this a stupid tension build-up to make me fucking suffer for longer? Was it  _deliberate??_  And what the fuck was there to show??

"I'll text you my address, but I promise you. All the questions about Lav, all the worries you've had all these years—I can answer them. But it needs to be face-to-face, or I can't give the best answers to you."

It confused me so much why she couldn't have just told me  _now_ —but that was my only offer, and if I wanted answers, then...I'll have to take that opportunity.

I tested Rose a little bit first. "...So you know where she is now?" I tried.

"Yes," she answered.

"And why she left that day?"

"Yes. I know it all, Phil. I've been in this situation for a long time."

It was overwhelming, the fact that I was finally getting answers after all these years of asking myself why this happened to her.  
And I was ready for it.

So I sighed deeply, immediately knowing what to do. "Okay. I'll be there in two days."

"See you then, Phil."

The line went dead, and I carefully took the phone away from my ear.

I was lost on what emotion to focus on. The air was deafeningly quiet as I attempted to un-jumble the mess of feelings that my brain had projectile vomited—and I soon came to realise that the aftermath of the call was sadness.  
Complete and utter sadness.

It wasn't Lavender after all. I may find out about her in a few days, but that's not the point. I was prepping myself to hear her voice in my ears again, after well over a decade.  
And it was all for nothing.

"Phil?" I heard an innocent-like, curious whisper beside me.

I didn't even wanna look at him. All the familiarities with Lav matched up to Dan so easily, and they've never hit me like this before.  
I couldn't tear my eyes away from the ground as the water pricking at them started to reach its maximum volume.

The hand that comfortingly clutched my own trailed up to my shoulder, which he stroked with his thumb. "Phil, look at me sweetheart," he tried softly.

The small amount of desperation in his soothing voice caused me to finally look up. I saw the worry sparkling in his eyes and glowing in his features as he gazed at me, longing for me to say something.

I opened my mouth, but as I did, two fat tears escaped my eyes, and nothing came out other than a shaky croak.  
As soon as they spilled, Dan pulled me into a side-hug, resting his cheek on my shoulder as he gripped my waist into a comforting, protective embrace.

I was too engulfed in disappointment to even feel the butterflies that erupted in my belly whenever he helped me—but I still found comfort in it.

My arm reached round as I tightly clutched the material of his shirt, twisting my body around to pull him into a proper hug. I buried my nose into the crook of his neck, a muffled sniffle uncontrollably bursting out as I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to reverse the tears.

"I'm so sorry, Phil," Dan whispered in my ear, with a sympathy that wasn't sugarcoated or fake, but overwhelmingly genuine.

He obviously didn't know what was going on, but I'm sure he'd heard enough to deduct that that wasn't Lav who I spoke to over the phone.

"It's n-not your fault," I croaked out, gently pulling away to look at him. "I'm just sorry this happened now, of all times."

"No, Phil," he sighed. "You've already helped me feel better. Now it's my turn to help you out, and I'm gunna do that."

Dan positioned himself on the sofa so that he was laid on his back, and gave my sleeve a gentle tug. "Come lay next to me," he whispered, a tiny blush appearing on the apples of his cheeks.

I found myself become nervous at the direction. It'd been a while since we'd acted this close around each other and, whether it was romantically or not wouldn't have mattered anyway—because I was scared all the same. I was scared I'd end up falling for him even more.

But he seemed pretty determined that his plan would work, so I followed it.

I bent down, perching onto my side and laying next to him. My body was stiff with nerves, and our faces were  _so_ close. I could feel Dan's warm breaths delicately hitting my face.

_What was he doing?_

"Phil," he began with a small whisper, looking down to avoid my gaze out of anxiousness. "Let's just...cuddle."

As crushed and isolated I felt there and then, I knew that a hug from Dan would definitely suffice as a comfort for me.

I bought my hand under Dan's form as it gently trailed up his back to clutch his shoulder and pull him into a hug, with my left arm supporting the rest of his body. His arms moved to wrap around my waist, and his head dipped to fit underneath my chin, which tickled from his curls that moved against my skin.   
As we shifted closer to each other, our chests met together, and I felt his warmth stimulate my nerve endings and I instantly relaxed.

We laid there in comfortable silence for what must've been a couple of hours. The sun had started to set, which meant it was probably later than I thought. Summer days always dragged on for so damn long.

As the time passed, we became more and more affectionate around each other. Our legs had tangled together, Dan's hand trailed slowly up and down my spine, and my fingers couldn't help but wrap round his curls, feeling his soft, delicate strands between each of them.

I found myself not even worried about the love side of things. Right now, we are both broken, and we're being there for each other to help pick up the pieces. The love was irrelevant; the love didn't matter right now. What mattered is that we were finding comfort in each other. All the feelings came later.

Eventually, I felt Dan wriggle underneath me, and his head tilted from the chest position to find my eyes. Once he'd found them, I couldn't help but admire how pretty his were.  
His puppy-like, brown eyes were sparkling with something, and I almost laughed at the realisation.

He was smiling again. Not just from his mouth, but from his  _eyes._  I could  _see_ the happiness beginning to creep through in there, and his negative side had no chance at the moment.

I felt Dan's hand move from my back and brush over my cheek delicately. "You've still got tears on your face," he whispered, the contact making my skin tingle.

He brushed away the stray tears, but his hand still remained on my face.  
I studied him, as if he were a treasure map, and his expression had changed; it'd gone a tad more serious. His brows furrowed slightly as he watched his hand upon my face, which'd slowly began to move in slow, circular motions as he caressed my cheek.

I was too scared to fight it—and even if I could, I probably wouldn't have.

His gaze flicked back to mine, and I could see the panic he experienced. Panicking, because he knew that he didn't really want this—but did he, though?

His puzzled eyes flickered down to my lips and I found mine doing the same thing. Slightly agape, shakily letting out breaths—I wanted to connect mine with his so badly. It'd fit so perfectly, like the right puzzle piece.

And I could feel myself giving in. I felt myself want him. I felt myself  _need_ him, in ways that I shouldn't be feeling because it's not what he wants.

But I saw it in him too. He was trying, oh so desperately. I saw as his wide, innocent eyes darted from my eyes and back to my lips, I saw as his face drew closer to my own, I saw as his eyes flickered closed, me soon following until I couldn't see anything.

But I felt it. I felt it as his lips connected with mine, with his bottom lip tucking slightly under my bottom lip. I felt as he lingered for what felt like a heavenly minute as time seemingly froze in the moment. I felt as he reluctantly pulled away, scared to open his eyes and consider what he'd done and how I'd feel.  
As my eyes fluttered open, just seeing him again made my want for him grow rapidly.

And not long after our eyes had met, they'd shut again as our lips came crashing back together, and every feeling I once had just exploded into millions of exclamation marks.   
Our bodies pressed together even more as my arms had pulled his chest closer to mine, feeling his racing heartbeat banging approximately the same speed against mine.

I tilted my head to open his mouth more, deepening the kiss as Dan's hand tangled through my hair. My tongue brushed against his bottom lip, which was chapped with dryness, and I felt him let out a sigh as our mouths moved together in sync.

I never knew how much I wanted this. To just pour out all of my pent-up affection like this; to finally close the distance between us.  
We'd kissed before, but this one was explosive. This one was so goddamn powerful, and I'd never shared a kiss like this with Dan before.  
Or  _anyone,_ for that matter.

Through the heaven that we were sharing, I zoned back into reality a little bit.   
Was this  _really_ what Dan wanted? He may just be getting too lost in the moment.

I found myself disconnecting my lips with his at the possibility, my eyes snapping open wide as we both gasped for air.

I couldn't see any regret on his face.  
He was just a very dark shade of pink and his curls had gone a bit haywire.

We seemed to wait for what felt like longer than it was for one of us to say something. It landed on Dan.

"L-Let's stop," he squeaked softly, but didn't move from our close embrace.

I nodded. "Okay," I whispered.

We ended up kind of staring at each other until we fell asleep, and I couldn't even feel anything.

I knew the emotions would come in the morning—and they were gunna hit me hard. I knew they were.

 


	23. chapter 22

** Dan **

This whole morning there'd been very few words shared between me and Phil, and we were on a constant game of waiting on who was finally gunna say something.  
As I stood by the sink, washing the dishes, I thought about it for a moment.

I should say something. I really should.

My dad's voice has faded a whole lot, and it wouldn't affect me anyway, not really. Not anymore.  
So there's nothing holding me back, right?

...Wrong. Completely and utterly, wrong.

What exactly would I say? How would I begin? And how would I even say it without tripping over my words like a fool?

Everything was a mess. All the complications that came with feelings were such an inconvenience.

And what if he asks me whether I liked it or not? Right now, I'm not 100% certain how I felt about it, but that'd sound absurd.

Admittedly, I knew I didn't hate it, so that was a plus.

All I worried about was that it probably seemed like I was playing him around a bit, when in actual fact it's that I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.  
I was kind of learning to live and let go a bit, but I was so scared of breaking his heart again, and I'm not sure whether giving in to my feelings or ignoring them will help avoid that.

My mind rewound back to last night, and I felt my cheeks heat up a little.  
Phil was a pretty good kisser, not gunna lie. It felt so right to finally connect his lips with mine again, whether it was logically the wrong thing to do or not.

I wonder if  _he_ liked it...

"Dan?" I heard him call out to me from the living room.

I jumped a little, half startled from being jogged out of my thoughts, half shocked that he'd said something to me. The only conversation we'd had today was when he was briefly explaining the phone call, so this was kind of a breakthrough.

"Y-Yeah, Phil?" I replied, cringing at the obvious stutter in my voice.

"Can you come here for a sec?" He asked.

"Okay," I answered, putting down my cloth and drying my hands briskly with a tea towel.  
I quickly glanced at my reflection in the microwave door, fluffing up my curls a tad before wandering into the living room.

He sat on the couch, leaning back casually against the cushions with his laptop resting on his lap. His eyes focused on the screen as he clicked and scrolled through something I couldn't quite see from the angle he was positioned in.

He looked up when he realised I was in the doorway, giving me a half-smile that melted my insides.  
"I just need to pick up a few things from  _Argos_ in a minute, just to prepare for when we travel to Leeds tomorrow," he told me.

I thought I'd misheard him at first.

"Phil, you can't take me with you to see Rose," I sighed. "As much as I want to, I'll be caught the moment I step out the door."

He glanced back at the screen with a smirk. "Don't worry Dan, I've got that all sorted," he told me triumphantly.

I found myself very concerned as to why he'd just portrayed amusement, but I didn't question it.

He stood up, walking up to me. I felt myself grow redder as he approached me closer and closer-and then he handed me something.

I looked down, to see a red flip-phone resting in his palm. "This is a secret phone for if you want to message me," he explained. "If anything starts happening, please call me."

I took it from his hand, giving him a small smile. "I will," I told him, slipping it into my pocket.

We stood there in a moment of silence, maybe too long that felt comfortable.

Phil broke the silence. "I-I won't be long," he said, and hesitantly walked past me. I heard him walk down the hallway to the front door, and before I knew it I heard the door shut.

I let out a heavy breath that I didn't know I was holding, and cursed myself for not bringing up the subject.  
I guess the priority right now was to prepare to see Rose after all-but if I don't say anything about the kiss then things might get awkward between us. That was the last thing I wanted.

I trundled over to the kitchen, looking around the room like a lost mouse.  
It felt so weird when Phil wasn't in the house.

I sat at the table, trying to brainstorm how I could start the conversation.  
I may have been taking this too seriously, but I needed to sort it out and fast. I wasn't going to let my awkwardness ruin everything.

I tapped my foot repetitively, rushing my thoughts as I realised that I didn't have long.  
A letter? A long, formal text? No, that's too much, this should be talked about casually and in person.

Or...maybe over dinner?

I didn't hesitate for much longer and grabbed the idea like it was the only option I had-well, in all honesty it was-and fast-walked over to the cupboards.

I opened it, skimming over the labels on each of the bags of food.  
Rice, flour...pasta?

I can remember making spaghetti bolognese in a Home Economics class once in school, and I found myself very thankful for that.

I missed school. It'd probably been almost a year since I last went there, taken lessons, seen my friends...

I quickly snapped out of the subject before I could get upset, and grabbed the packet of pasta from out of the cupboard.

As I made the meal, I tested myself a little bit. I observed everything I was thinking whilst I chopped the tomatoes, turned on the heat-doing stuff that would've made my dad peek out and torment me until I started going insane. It was like I was expecting him to jump out.

But he didn't. Even when I stared at the knife long and hard, even when I hovered my hand over the heat to feel it against my skin-I didn't even detect him.

Because he was gone. He was dead. He wasn't living inside my head because he isn't alive at all.  
And now that my brain accepts it, there's no place for him to stay.  
The temporary happiness really did drown him.

For the first time ever, I can say that my dad is gone.

As the bolognese lightly simmered in the pan, I decided that there was one more test I needed to pass in order to move on from my dad, and that was the tea situation.

My hand is fine now, but I've never forgotten how the scalding water latched around my skin like that.   
What a weird punishment it was-but an absolutely brutal one.

I shuddered just from the thought, but I didn't change my mind. I needed to overcome my fears, or else I knew I'd be unsatisfied.

I filled up the kettle, and placed it on the hob before flicking it on.  
I was quick to step away from it as if it were a bomb. The kettle began to whir as the heating process began, and I felt the back of my neck start to sweat.

I walked over to the bolognese and stirred it as a distraction, but I couldn't help but watch it from the corner of my eye. It began to tremble and steam, seeming to get more and more violent as the time passed.

Spitting, steaming, shaking-it looked like it was emitting anger. It reminded me of all those times as my dad slowly tipped over the edge, shoving towards the explosion of rage and hatred with his slow tone, slowly becoming pure fury and aggression...

The very moment that the kettle pinged, so did my phone.   
In a slight state of shock, I grabbed the flip-phone and opened it with care.

_ Phil _ _: o_ _n my way back, are you okay?_

A wave of comfort evaporated away most of my stress as I smiled down at the text message.

Phil was here. Not my dad. I had nothing to be scared of, because he promised to keep me safe-and he never broke that promise.

I quickly typed a reply back:

_ Dan _ _:_ _I'm fine. Glad that you're coming back, though. x_

I put the phone down on the side, forcing myself not to worry or think about the one kiss on the end of my text message, and continued with my mission.

Hesitantly, I curled my fingers around the slightly warm handle of the kettle, and lifted it off the hob.  
I poured it into the pre-prepared cup with the teabag in it, and the tea leaves began to dissolve into the hot liquid.

I took out the teabag, popped a splash of milk in there-I've never been a lover of a milky brew-and set it aside after a quick stir. I watched it for a minute as it steamed in the corner of the counter, before my phone pinged again.

I flipped the phone open again, reading another text message from Phil.

_ Phil _ _: Of_ _course I'm coming back :') are you sure you're alright? Have you heard anything from your dad? x_

After giggling over the kiss on the end, I typed back.

_ Dan: _ _I really do think he's gone, Phil. It may have only been one day since he was last there, but I can't sense him anymore. x_

_ Phil: _ _I'm so glad. And proud of you. xx_

I went to respond, but had to rush and check on the pasta because I forgot it was even there.  
I tended to the pasta and bolognese for a little while and began to get the plates out, and I found myself getting nervous.

I've been incredibly extreme about this whole topic, but I feel like it's for a good reason. I wasn't too sure why I was so adamant about that, but I guess I was about to find out.

I heard the front door lock jangling as I was placing the plates on the table, and I nervously stood at the dinner table as I waited for Phil to come through.

My stomach felt like choppy sea water.

I hadn't really thought about what I was gunna say because I had most of my focus on the tea- _shit,_ he was walking down the corridor.  
This was already going wrong. I was already panicking.

He walked through, and his face morphed into shock. "W-Woah," he laughed in amazement. "You didn't have to do this, Dan."

"I-I wanted to," I breathed, nervously chuckling. My mind felt like it'd melted as I stood stiff with sudden nerves.  
"W-Well come take a seat, I was just dishing up," I stuttered, pulling out a seat for him.

He gave me a beaming smile as he walked over to me, causing me to blush and look down at the ground.   
I kept forgetting the whole reason I made this meal-and that was to talk about the kiss. But I was too terrified to small-talk with him, let alone to have a serious, lengthy conversation.

I quickly walked over to the bolognese pot, staring at the wall and discreetly taking a few deep breaths.

_You can do this, Dan_ I inwardly told myself.  _Things will only get worse unless you address this now._

"I can't believe you've done this," Phil breathed as I dished up the food onto the plates.

"Yeah, I just thought it'd be nice," I replied, my voice thankfully sounding a lot more controlled.

"Well it's definitely nice," he chuckled as I walked over to him, with steaming spaghetti bolognese served up on two plates. I placed both of our plates on the table and took a seat myself.

I faced Phil, and his small lopsided grin made my lips upturn slightly.   
After getting lost in his eyes for too long that felt comfortable, I hurriedly cracked open a smile. "Well, dig in," I said, and we both laughed and began eating.

As we ate, I noticed that the atmosphere was a lot more different than usual. The best way to put it was that there was heavy tension in the air; confessions ready to burst out of their containers and explode into the open air.

I hated it. So much. I missed the days where our friendship was so simple. Now we're both scared of facing the situation and it's beginning to drag on.  
I couldn't bear it any longer.

I snuck a glance at Phil as I watched him eat, nibbling my bottom lip with nerves.

I know addressing the kiss may relieve stress-but I had a really bad feeling about it, and I wasn't too sure why.  
But it was either that or continuing to be awkward and distant around each other.

I opened my mouth to finally start the conversation-but miraculously, Phil got there before me.

"Dan, I now know why you've done all this," Phil claimed, placing down his cutlery slowly and looking at me with a sad frown.

Slightly shocked, I met my eyes with his in worry. "W-What do you mean?" I asked, although I knew one-hundred percent what he meant.

There was a long pause where Phil seemed to study my reaction, and I was unsure as to what he felt.  
He sighed, placing his elbows on the table. "I'm just gunna be straight-up honest with you, okay?"

"Phil, I-"

"-I love you."

My sentence caught in my throat at the unexpected comment. "W-What?" I barely whispered.

"You heard me, Dan," he said seriously. "And you love me too. Don't you?"

My mouth opened and closed like a fish, unable to process what was happening or how the hell to form a syllable.

I couldn't answer him. I didn't know how to respond.

But he continued. "I just wanna know- _why_ do you put it off, Dan?  _Why_ do you not think we can be together?"

I looked down at the table. "Because...I'm scared, Phil."

"What are you scared of, Dan?" He said in a slightly softer but still eager voice.

"I...I..." I stuttered, nervous to admit what has always scared me throughout our entire friendship. "I'm scared because I'm on the run from the police, Phil. And-"

Phil abruptly rose from the table, running his fingers through his fringe. His unexpected maneuver caused me to rise with him.

"Goddamnit," he cursed, giving off an angry vibe. "Why does that matter so much, Dan??"

I took a cautious step towards him. "Phil, it alters everything," I told him. "All the freedom in your life is being erased a ridiculous and sudden amount, all because of me. Feelings come with consequences. Many consequences."

" _What_ consequences, exactly?" He asked in a low tone. "I'd give up  _all_ my freedom for you in a heartbeat, I don't give a crap about that. So there must be something  _deeper_ to these consequences that you're not telling me, Dan. There  _has_ to be."

I could feel frustration slowly building up as Phil failed to understand.  
I shook my head, rubbing my eyes to try and refresh my vision and block out Phil's voice as he continued to urge me for an answer.

"I know there's something there, Dan, and I won't rest until I know why-"

"- _Because,_ Phil," I snapped. "the police are not stupid. They're gunna find me one day, and you and I need to be prepared for that!"

I was even shocked at myself for the honest outburst, but not for long as Phil was quick to reply.  
"Dan, I've told you  _countless_ times, I will never let them take you away, and they won't have to because you're safe here!"

"No Phil, this is stupid!" my voice began to raise.

"Why??"

"Because you're living in a fantasy world! You think that you can just  _protect_ me for the rest of your life, I'm sorry Phil but that's not how it works! Boy do I wish it did, but it's just not!"

"I'm not living in any kind of fantasy world, what the fuck are you talking about?! When I say I'm going to protect you, I mean that, Dan!"

"You can't protect me forever, Phil!!" I yelled.

"In that case, why don't we appreciate the time we have left instead of arguing??" He yelled back at me, walking up to me and gripping onto my shoulders.

I took a sharp intake of breath at the heavy contact, my heartbeat rising as everything flashed before me.

_'Say goodbye, Howell.'_

Phil released me almost as quick as he'd grabbed me, realizing what was happening.

I stood stiff, my eyes glazed over as the distant memory of my dead father flashed in front of my eyes. I couldn't even figure out how to get out of this state, I was just...frozen.

"Shit, Dan I'm sorry I've fucked up," Phil mumbled, trying to pull me into a hug.

I was quick to shove him away, not making eye contact with him. "Don't touch me," I whispered, and shoved past him to run upstairs to my room before I could break down crying in front of him.

I needed to be alone. I couldn't face Phil right now.

This night couldn't have gone worse.

☾

_1:30am._

I groaned at the fact that I hadn't gone to sleep yet. I'd tried, I'd really tried. But my mind was all over the place.

I've been thinking a lot about what Phil said to me, and I could see some truth in it. I may not have much time left, but honestly maybe I'm letting what happened in Angel Alley get to my head too much.

When I left, he was heartbroken. All those six months I was gone, I  _knew_ he wasn't coping well.  
I can remember seeing all those empty cans of alcohol and pizza boxes scattered around his living room, I can remember seeing the bags under his eyes when he finally found me; through my panicky, chronic pain, I remember.

But now I think about it...maybe it was because he didn't say all he had to say. That Christmas evening out in the snow, I vaguely remember that he was about to tell me something-until I received the destructive phone call from Tyler.

I turned onto my back, my bedsheets barely covering my body as I stared up at the ceiling.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let us fall in love, but did it really ever leave in the first place? Have we constantly been in love with each other this whole time?

I sat up abruptly, exhaling a long breath.

I didn't know what to think-so I knew I needed answers from Phil. This evening was an explosion of pent-up frustration, it wasn't his fault that he snapped.

I decided that I was now ready to talk to Phil. The fact that it was 1am really didn't plan on stopping me.

I slid myself out of bed and left my room, pattering across the corridor and gently pushing Phil's door open.  
As it squeakily revealed his "sleeping" form, I somehow just knew that he was awake. I wasn't sure how or why-but I knew I was right.

Sighing, I wandered over to Phil's bed and positioned myself so that I laid on my side, facing his back.  
I didn't feel as tense to speak anymore, after that outburst my speech felt a lot more natural and free.

"Hey," I whispered. "I just wanted to apologize for earlier, I hope we're not enemies."

There was a lengthy pause before Phil shifted his body round so that he faced me. He looked very awake, and his eyes were kind of puffy.

"I don't know why  _you're_ apologizing, Dan," he whispered back. "I shouldn't have gone off on you like that, I'm a twat and I know it."

I gave him a sad smile. "No you're not, Philly," I told him. "I've been thinking about what you said."

"You mean the 'appreciate the time we have' bullshit I was spurting?" He chuckled, looking down at his hands which fiddled with his t-shirt.

"It wasn't bullshit," I confirmed. "I think you were right. It's just...I've never really thought about the fact that the ending will be just the same no matter what I do, and I've tried, I really have, to not let me fall for you again, but no matter what, we always end up expressing those feelings in the end, and it just makes me feel like I'm playing you around."

Phil's thumb brushed against my cheek. "Dan, I  _know_ you're definitely not the type to play someone around, you're just trying to protect me. But you don't need to worry about me."

"Yes I do," I said in a soft but firm voice. "Your problems matter just as much as mine, and if you're going to protect me then I'm going to protect you."

A small half smile pulled on his lips and his thumb gently caressed my cheek.

And I wasn't going to fight it anymore.  
Maybe this  _was_ the right thing; it sure did feel like it.  
But that was the main question in this whole situation, and that was whether or not I gave into my heart's desire.

After a few seconds of silence, Phil's body-weight shifted so that his arms snaked around my body. I shuffled closer so that I could snuggle into his chest, and my arms also tightly wrapped round Phil's waist.  
I felt myself relax from his warmth and I let out a content sigh.

"We'll figure it out," he mumbled, his hand supporting my head as he twirled his finger round one of my curls; a habit that had never died with him. "Let's just see Rose, and then we can let the feelings come later."

I hummed in response, then shook my head. "I'm sorry Phil, I'm such a damn nightmare. You do  _know_ my intentions aren't to play you around, right?"

I felt his chest tighten as he let out a few thick chuckles, before tightening his grip on me.

"Of course I know that, Hun."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never realized how much fan fiction could make me feel so single oh my god


	24. chapter 23

**Phil**

I was so damn nervous for today.

As I waited for Dan to come out from the bathroom in the kitchen, I was tapping my foot repetitively and rereading the text message with the address attached over and over, as if I'd forget it if I didn't keep reading it.

Rose was so brief— _too_ brief—on the phone call that day, and I literally have no idea what to expect from this visit.

I still didn't know whether she was dead, alive—or whether she'd even  _be_ there or not. My mind was a mess, but all I could do was hope for the best.  
I really hoped that she wasn't dead.

"Phil I do not approve of your plan!!" I heard Dan yell from the bathroom.

My head shot up, and I couldn't help but laugh at the remembrance of my plan. "Come out, I wanna see!" I called out, with very obvious amusement in my voice.

"This is not funny, Lester!" He retorted, although I was already giggling and he hadn't even stepped out yet.  
I could practically sense the reluctance as Dan opened the door, revealing himself in such a hunched-up, outrageous-looking manner that I couldn't help but stop and stare in...awe? Amazement? God knows.

Dan wore a long, blonde wig with a pink, summery skirt and a pair of thick, dark sunglasses. He also wore pointed high heels that he was struggling to walk in, and magnetic hoop earrings dangled from each of his earlobes.

My first reaction was to obviously fall about laughing, slapping the table and almost sinking to the floor from the ache in my stomach as a result of laughing so hard.

Dan was not amused.

"I hate you," he mumbled, as he failed to try and hide the smirk upon his lips.

"N-No," I wheezed. "Y-You look a-absolutely ama—" I had to stop talking as I'd burst out laughing again, nearly crying from the hysterics.  
Once I'd calmed down, I looked him up and down again to properly drink it in.

Well, my plan to disguise Dan was definitely effective!

"This feels so wrong," Dan groaned, pouting lightly.

"I know, but it's only for when we're in public," I told him, still chuckling from earlier's laughing fit.

"You're mean," he accused.

I put my hand on my heart in fake offence and he just shoved me.

We spent the rest of the morning heaving our two suitcases to the front door ready for when we leave for Leeds (we may not be staying there for long but I've never been a light packer) and checking we had money for train tickets, taxis, hotel rooms etc.

It was once we were ready that I started to get nervous again.  
Rose's address was now permanently carved into my brain as a result of reading it so many times, but I kept scanning over the message consecutively anyway, for I was so nervous that I thought I would explode at any given moment.

Dan came out from the bathroom—I was once again taken aback for I thought it was a different person—and we both took deep breaths.

"You ready?" he asked me, hooking his fingers around the handle of the suitcase that he held.

"No" I wanted to scream, but I knew that I wanted this deep down. I was just scared.

I gave him a nose-scrunch smile. "As ready as I'll ever be."

With that, we opened the front door and stepped out of it, dragging the suitcases along the porch after locking the door shut. We took a longer route to the train station to avoid passing by Angel Alley again—I oh so wished we didn't live near that godforsaken place—and my mind was a mess. All I could think about was the possibility of her being dead. My heart was in my mouth, and we weren't even in Leeds yet.

We almost missed our train trying to work out how to use the ticket machines, but we darted up and down those stone steps, hauling our heavy luggage behind us, and we still managed to catch our train, which I'm convinced was fate being kind to us for once.

We flopped down in our seats, gasping for air as we recovered from the small amount of exercise that'd butchered the hell out of our thighs.

"Fuck, I really thought we'd missed this one," Dan breathed.

"We made it though," I laughed breathlessly, resting the back of my skull on the seat's headrest.

"Miraculously," Dan laughed with me, copying my head motion. "So uh, how do you feel about this whole thing right now?"

I smirked. "Fucking terrified," I confessed. "I know it's for the best, though."

"It really is," Dan whispered, and I felt his palm brush over mine. I glanced down at our hands, and twisted my wrist so that my fingers could curl between his.

His head then unexpectedly dipped, so that his head was nestled between my shoulder and neck. Which created more warmth and comfort for me to savor.

"It'll be okay, Philly," he mumbled into my jacket. "I have a good feeling about this, and the feeling is telling me that Lav is well."

I exhaled deeply, my head resting on his bristly head of wig hair. It felt weird that my cheek didn't come into contact with his soft curls.

I rested my eyes, feeling calmer now that he was close to me. "I hope so, Hun."

It felt good to call him that again.

The train journey all in all was relaxing, despite where we were going. We shared an earbud each and listened to my playlist on shuffle, and Dan remained in the same position throughout the journey, gently nestling his head into my shoulder, and we both shut our eyes.

It probably felt weird for him, going out in public again. Even though this situation had mainly been focused on me, I knew this was big for him as well. I knew he was nervous to get off the train and walk through all those people that have most likely seen the news about him. I was prepared to deny any accusations if they were to be thrown at us, and keep him safe at all costs.

I won't let anyone take him away from me.

I felt my eyes begin to droop as a mixture of the warmth from Dan, the gentle jolting of the train, and sleep deprivation began to drift over me. It almost immediately took effect—but the sleep made the time whizz by.

My eyes shot open as I felt someone gently shake me. "Phil?" I heard a soothing, angelic whisper beside me.

My disorientated eyes flickered to my right to see Dan giving me a soft, dimpled smile. I wanted to pinch his cheek, but refrained from doing so.

I rubbed my eyes. "What's happening?" I mumbled, letting out a small yawn.

"We're at Leeds now."

My stomach lurched and I was suddenly awake. I couldn't think about it too much because we had to focus on getting all our heavy belongings and exiting the train.

We shuffled through with our suitcases, and the moment we stepped onto the platform, I gripped Dan's hands. He could sense that I knew he was afraid, and he looked at me with fear present in his eyes at all the people around us.

I leant in so that my mouth was close to his ear. "You're alright, okay? Just don't let go of my hand."

He took a deep breath, and nodded once. "Let's go."

So we walked through the bustling people, our luggage bumping against the concrete ground behind us and our hands latched together the whole way. Dan kept his head down for a lower chance of recognition. We made it out of the train station and continued on along the pavements, crossing roads, and not stopping.

My heart was on the verge of exploding.

My eyes darted around as we neared the place that our hotel was supposed to be, and almost screamed with relief when I saw the sign for  _'Heart Hotel'_  (I decided to not dwell on the poor name choice too much when booking the room) and fast-walked to the building and through the entrance. The reception area we walked in to was fairly spaced out, with a few tables and chairs dotted around to try and make it less generic.

But I didn't dwell on the interior design either, for I was shitting myself with fear and was very desperate to get to my room and be assured that Dan was safe.

We jogged up to the reception desk to see a lady behind the desk with a tightly pulled back blond ponytail and gentle eye makeup.

She looked up at us and smiled. "Good afternoon, how can I help you two?" she asked sweetly.

"I booked room 241 for one night," I breathed. "My names Phillip Lester."

As she checked for my name on her computer, I realized how tightly mine and Dan's hands were together. I feared I was going to break his wrist if I held it any tighter, but it was the only form of communication I could offer him at that moment.

After what felt like forever and a bit, she handed me the key for my room. "Enjoy your st—"

The moment she said the words, we rushed off towards the elevator. Once we were in, I hurriedly tapped the button that held rooms 200-300, and the doors closed. We stood there in silence as we went up, holding our breaths as we communicated through our circulation-constricting grips. Just because we were alone, we knew it definitely didn't mean we were safe yet.

Soon, the elevator door opened, and we darted out of there and resorted to fast-walking down the corridor with desperation to find our hotel room. The corridors seemed endless—until finally, room 241 came into view. We approached it, and I whipped out the key and shoved it into the keyhole. My fingers were trembling as I turned the key, but the moment I unlocked that room I felt a wave of relief washing over me.

I pushed the door open and we almost stumbled through the doorway, our suitcases almost skidding across the floor. I flipped myself back round, slamming the door and hurriedly locking it.

_Click._

That glorious sound of safety caused me to lean my head against the door, feeling all of the tension tumble out of my body gradually.

Once I'd caught my breath, I instantly swiveled round to Dan, and wrapped him into a tight, relieved embrace that he was quick to respond to. He buried his nose into the crook of my neck as he clutched me just as tightly, and we stayed in that position. That was the first journey over and done with, and he'd done so well.

After just over a minute of remaining in that position, we slowly pulled away from each other. I could see his eyes lidded with relief as he locked his eyes with mine.

I couldn't help but chuckle lightly. "Well done so far," I whispered.

He chuckled with me. "You too, Phil."

The hotel room was decent. It had two beds, a bathroom, a mini fridge—all you could need, really.

Whilst we walked around, I noticed the kettle and teabags on the side. I stepped in front of it so that Dan didn't see it, and quickly shoved it behind the TV so that it was completely out of sight. Dan had come so far with moving on from his dad, but some things are gonna take more time.

I didn't blame him at all for needing more time to recover from that hideous incident.

I wasn't scheduled to meet up with Rose until 5:30, and it was 1:30 right now. Only 4 hours until I finally find out what happened to my long-lost sister.

Dan and I spent that time watching stuff on the TV. We'd bundled up underneath a mountain of crisp-white duvet and cuddled up together, watching episode after episode of  _Adventure Time._

It was halfway through episode three that Dan said something. "I can sense your nerves, Phil," he mumbled.

I exhaled a long sigh and rested my cheek on his head. He'd taken off his disguise for now and I could finally feel his soft strands of hair delicately poking my skin. "It's just...I haven't seen Lav since I was ten years old, and all this time I've never known why," I ranted. "but I guess this is really happening now. I'm actually going to find out where she is. It's just overwhelming."

"I understand that," he sighed. "Are you sure you want me to come with you?"

My head turned to face him. "Of course. Only if you feel comfortable."

He beamed up at me, and nodded. "I do."

Honestly, I was so glad that he was coming with me. He was the main comfort in all of this, and I'd probably break down if I went alone.

I stroked the top of his head with my thumb in circular motions. "Thank you, Hun."

I'd never meant something more than that sentence. I wasn't only thanking him for now, I was thanking him for all the other times, too. All of those times he made me a better man—no words could ever show him enough gratitude—but for now, a sentence seemed to be enough.

It seemed to mean the world to him judging by the soft smile on his face.

Hours passed, and before I knew it we were getting ready to leave. Dan finished reapplying his disguise and walked over to me, where I was sat in front of the mirror playing with my hair.

"You look fine, Philly," he told me softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I took a moment to take a few deep breaths, before standing up and taking hold of Dan's hand again. "Well, let's go," I whispered hesitantly.

The journey was way shorter than I first anticipated. We walked out of the hotel, caught a taxi, and it took us straight to the place we said.

Before I knew it, Rose's house was literally there, outside the window.

"That'll be nine pounds, please," the taxi driver informed us, turning around.

I came out from my daze and looked at him with a slightly blank expression before realizing what he was asking me. "O-Oh yeah," I stammered, fumbling in my pockets and pulling out a ten pound note. "Keep the change," I added as I handed it to him.

"Cheers mate," he replied, and turned back round as we got out from the taxi.

The cab drove off, leaving me and Dan to stare up at the house in front of us. It was a small, cozy-looking cottage, with a thatched roof and windows emitting a yellow-orange glow from the lights in the house.

I couldn't believe that this was happening; I felt like I was gonna projectile vomit at any moment.

"Ready, Phil?" I heard Dan ask me as I continued to stare up at the house.

There was hesitation, but I forced myself to keep going because I knew that this is what I really wanted, despite how petrified I was. "Yeah, I'm ready," I nodded, and we walked up the porch and made it to the front door.

I knocked before I could think about it too much, and I grabbed onto Dan's hand once again, sucking back the tears that tickled the backs of my eyeballs. My heart was beating like a mouse as we waited for the door to be answered.

Unexpectedly, the door started jangling as I heard the key in the door. There was a click and the door handle was pulled back.

It was definitely Rose alright. She looked older now, but I could still recognize her familiar dark skin, red bobbed hair and light-green eyes.

She looked from me, to Dan, then back to me, kind of skeptical for some reason.

She must've been just as nervous as me.

"Phil?" she almost whispered.

I nodded once. "Y-Yeah."

She took one more glance at us before stepping to the side. "You'd best come in, then."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kind of boring, but don't worry. It's all planned out. Something big is gonna happen very soon ;)


	25. chapter 24

** Phil **

"I'm glad you came," Rose said as we followed her through her hallway. "I was worried that you'd think I was crazy."

I looked around me as we walked through, scanning for any pictures of Lav on the walls—but all I saw were exotic paintings hung up nearly everywhere I looked.

"O-Of course not," I managed to stammer out, despite the questions in my mind that almost blocked my senses of where I was and what was happening.

We walked through to the living room, which was decorated with fairy lights, rare plants and burgundy colored furniture. It looked very artistic, and I could already tell that she had creativity in her genes.

"Take a seat," Rose said kindly as she took a seat on the leather armchair across from us.   
Dan and I glanced at each other, then resorted to taking a seat nervously.

_Fuck fuck fuck_ my inner voice was constantly screaming.

"Well," Rose began with a sigh. "You look different."

I nodded once. "Yeah, you too." I turned my head from Rose to Dan. "U-Uh, this is...Dan, uh," I began to sweat. "H-He's—"

"—Chill," she chuckled. "I know it's Dan Howell from the news, don't worry about it. I'm not gunna report you."

I felt Dan sit up in shock. "I-I don't understand," he stuttered. "Why are you...defending me?"

"I get feelings and vibes off of people, I have done since I was young," she explained. "and I definitely know that you're not a killer."

Dan's fear morphed into confused relief, and his shoulders relaxed a bit.  
As confused as I was with my first impressions of her, the main thing was that Dan was safe and wasn't gunna get reported.

Rose turned back to me. "Okay," she began, taking a deep breath. "Before I answer any questions, I just wanna say that I'm not lying about any of this. You deserve the truth, and you're going to get it."

Hesitantly, I nodded.  
I suddenly had a bad feeling.

"Alright so...I guess I'll start from the beginning. Is that okay?" Rose asked, nerves present in her voice as well as mine.

I didn't even realize that I was clinging onto Dan's hand until I felt an encouraging squeeze.  
I squeezed back, and inhaled slowly. "Yes."

☾

** Rose **

_"What are you thinking about, bub?"_

_I heard a thoughtful sigh from where Lav rested, with her head on my lap and her face pointed away from me._   
_I looked down, watching her chest heavily drop._

_She shook her head gently. "A lot of things, Rose," she answered simply._

_I frowned. "What things in particular?" I asked, but kind of already knew anyways._

_"About what you said earlier," she replied, her head turning to face me._   
_Her eye bags were darkening more and more everyday, and bloodshot littered all over the whites of her eyes, and she was as pale as a ghost._   
_She was so frail, poor love. It looked like she was deteriorating._

_I was thankful that sparkle in her eyes still remained though. If I lost that then it'd be over._

_I ran my fingers through her silky hair. "You mean the thing about us running away together?" I confirmed, shaking my head. "I know it was a stupid idea, don't worry about it. I just got really—"_

_"—No Rose," Lav interrupted. "I think it's perfect."_

_I raised my eyebrows with shock from the unexpected reply. "Really? Are you sure you want to? Because I understand that you wanna be there for Phil."_

_"Rose, we're both unhappy in our current lives. Both our parents are assholes—they'll probably disown us anyway when they find out about our relationship, so why not leave now and be prepared for what life has in store for us?" Lav ranted, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Phil is growing up so fast, he's matured at such a young age. He'll be okay without me, I know he will. I'll miss him to bits—but I know he can do it."_

_I stared at her with a growing smile on my face._   
_That's my girl. That's my amazing girl right there._

_"Well, if you're sure you wanna do this," I began. "then I'd love to run away with you."_

_We giggled together, and I felt the excitement rise in my stomach._   
_I was gunna start a new life with Lav. No homophobes, no stupid parents, just us against the world._

_I could picture it all so well, because it was so_ right.

☾

** Phil **

"We were such naive kids," Rose laughed gently.

I frowned lightly. "So it didn't go to plan?"

Rose hesitated. "No, it didn't. At first it felt amazing, to go and leave our previous lives behind, but..." she looked down, fiddling with her fingers. "...Lav wasn't very well. Mentally, I mean."

My stomach lurched in fear. "How was she unwell?" I asked, the grip on Dan's hand strengthening.

Rose seemed especially nervous to talk about this.

"Depression," she said simply. "but it was like...nothing I'd ever seen before." she shakily sighed, nibbling her bottom lip. "and one day...it reached an unexpected peak."

☾

**Rose**

_The sun shone in my face as I slowly awoke from my sleep, making my eyes squint. I yawned and stretched out, gradually slipping out of bed until I was on my feet, ready to start the day._

_As I stretched out, my head loosely rolled to the side—and as expected, Lav wasn't there._   
_I didn't take it too seriously, as she'd done this many times before and was usually out going for a walk or a smoke._

_I walked downstairs to start making breakfast, exhaling a long sigh as I thought about everything._

_Everything had backfired. So bad._

_When we first moved here we were the happiest girls ever. We'd left our homophobic parents behind, we'd moved on—this was it. We were free._

_But little did I know that Lav was still trapped mentally._

_She had depression, but I was stupid enough to think that it'd be cured once we left that other life behind._   
_How idiotic of me._

_It only went and got worse. She's out drinking or smoking weed nearly every night, and she'd always come home intoxicated or high, so I can't ever talk to her normally._

_I feel like the Lav I knew before is gone, and it's all my fault._

_I pattered in my bare feet over to the kettle, flicking it on and opening the cupboard to grab a mug for my tea._

_But I could see a piece of paper sticking out of Lav's mug._

_Frowning, I reached out and bought the mug onto the counter, confusion setting in as I picked up the tightly folded piece of paper._   
_I unfolded it, stroking out the crumples with my thumb and skimming my eyes over the shaky, familiar handwriting on the paper._

_I didn't have to read much more before I'd dropped the note, rushing to the front door and swinging it open, running down the porch in my pajamas and bare feet. I didn't know where I was going, but I knew I had a mission, and that kept me moving and knowing where to go._

_I ran down roads, I searched in every alley, screaming her name and ignoring anyone who was staring at me._

_I couldn't let this happen. I wasn't_ going  _to let it happen._

_I skidded round the corner, my face falling at the sight I saw._

_I stood upon a small bridge above a main road, full of passing cars and lorries, all whizzing past at such a dizzying speed that my stomach churned._

_But that wasn't the only thing that made my stomach churn._   
_Lav stood on the other side of the rails, merely a finger slip away from falling and making that horrible, horrible mistake._

_Almost like in slow motion, I raced over there, sprinting as fast as my legs could take me._

_Her fingers slipped._

_I saw her body begin to propel down, and I heard everyone's screams of horror, I heard my heart pumping away in my ears._

_I stood over the edge, sweat pouring down my face as I was looking down at the heavy traffic below me—and a pair of eyes that were full of beauty, and kindness, and care._

_My single-handed grip on her jacket was beginning to slip, but I knew what was going on._   
_My other hand reached down for double support on holding onto her, and her desperate hands clung to my arm as a sudden realization hit her. The realization of the mistake she was making._

_"I-I've got you, bub!" I exclaimed, and began pulling her up over the rails._   
_A few heavy grunts later, she was over the rails and we'd collapsed to the ground in a messy but beautiful embrace as the relief began to kick in and drive us both insane._

_"W-Why babe??" I was crying immediately. "W-Why would you go and do something so f-fucking stupid, Lav??"_

_She clutched onto my waist, sobbing into my neck. "B-Because I'm unhappy, Rose," she wept. "But I know now that I shouldn't have! I swear to you!"_

_"You're so fucking stupid," I sobbed, kissing her forehead over and over. "Never do that again, you're not dying yet, you fucking hear me??"_

_"Y-Yes, Rose! Fuck, I'm so sorry!"_

_We were too bundled up in the mess of relief to even notice the people staring and chattering in absolute horror._

_But we walked straight through them, because none of them mattered._   
_Lav was the only person that mattered, and she was alive._

☾

**Phil**

"I was so stupid. It was my own fault that it got to that stage and I'll forever regret not addressing it for the rest of my life. It'd ruined her to a stage where the darkness in her mind was controlling her, and she'd lost all her sense of direction in life," Rose ranted, heavy sadness in her voice at the memories.

I didn't know what to feel after that story. I was so relieved that she was alive and well, yet...the fact that she was hurting like this was heart breaking. The grip on Dan's hand had begun to numb the ends of my fingers—but I couldn't let go.

It sickened me to think that I didn't know about this. I was out living whilst Lav was crumbling. I could've been helping her.

"I...I've still got the note that Lav left me, do you wanna read it?" She asked me quietly.

"Y-Yeah okay," I barely whispered, nerves beginning to fill me up.

Rose gave me a sad look, and got up and left the living room to go and find it.

Once she'd left, Dan and I took this opportunity to talk to each other.  
I turned to him, breathing shakily. "Dan, I-I don't know if I can do this," I quietly stressed.

"Phil, you've been  _so_ brave, after hearing that you'll get through anything," Dan told me, his thumb stroking my hand. "I believe in you, sweetheart."

He bought his lips to my hand, leaving a small kiss on my skin. Butterflies raided my stomach, giving me a mini boost of emotion I didn't know I needed.

"What would I do without you, Hun?" I mumbled to him.

Our eyes connected, beginning to fix themselves in that position—but we were quick to break apart as Rose came back into the room with a slightly crumpled piece of paper.  
I straightened, inhaling sharply as I saw it.

Rose slowly approached me, sighing as she handed the note to me. "Here it is," she mumbled.

I shakily took it from her, and the moment my fingertips had brushed the paper, I felt Lav within the material and smudged ink.

I unfolded it, and lightly gasped as I looked down at her familiar, neat handwriting, smudged and shaky from the trauma that I could practically  _feel_ within the crumples.

I took a deep breath, wetting my lips and opening my mouth. "D-Dearest Rose," I read out, my voice instantly cracking. "Where do I start? I guess from the start of our new life together. I know you said that we'll be happy once we moved, and honestly I was for a long time. So I want to thank you for going through  _so much_ just to make me smile again.

"I've done some bad things, love. I've gotten myself twisted in debt with drug dealers, I've hit rock bottom. I've already bought so much trauma in your life, and I don't wanna get you in anymore danger. So I feel like staying would be even more selfish than leaving.

"I really hope that you'll one day find joy in life, because I've been blocking the sunlight to your happiness. Now is the time to move on with your life. Forget about me. Find someone that won't get you into trouble and give you a normal life. I'll be watching over and praying that you get what you want one day, because you deserve the world.

"If you see Phil again, show him this note so that he knows that I haven't forgotten about him, and love him with all my heart. I...I know he's been calling me. But I'm in so much shit with dealers that it's risky to use my phone too much—and if anything happened to him I'd never forgive myself. Tell him that I love him with all my heart, so that I don't go without saying goodbye.

"Rose, I love you so much. Thank you for always being there for me—but you don't have to worry. We'll soon both be in better places. See you soon, much love from Lav."

Blobs of liquid gently splatted onto the paper, and I realized that it was my own tears.  
I sniffed, harshly wiping my eyes and letting out a trembling sigh.

"It's okay to get upset, Phil," Rose whispered.

I took a few seconds to compose myself, then looked back up at Rose. "W-What happened to her in the end, then?" I asked, my voice clogged from the forced-back tears.

"A week passed and she stayed back home with me, but then decided that she was going to move away. Somewhere rural, where no one could find her easily. I was shocked at the idea at first, but I respected her decision to go. She told me to never contact her again, which was a struggle at first—but eventually, I too decided to move on. I haven't gotten another partner since Lav though, because I think falling in love with someone that hard is a one time thing," she explained sadly. "But somehow I knew that this would be right for her, and I believe she's out living her life carefree, and that's what has kept me going."

Images of my sister, smiling with pure joy and happiness swarmed into my brain and, through the tears, I smiled too.

"But Dan, I feel like I should talk to you about something," Rose said, turning to him.

His head shot up, clearly not expecting her to say something to him.

I too, was confused.

"So you're in this whole situation with your father, right?" She began, and after Dan had nodded she continued. "What I'm trying to say is, Lav went through a lot of shit, and when she did, she turned to suicide. But that was all because she never talked to me about her lurking depression and kept everything to herself. That's not the answer. Please make sure that you two talk to each other if you need to say something, because bottling it up for too long could lead to fatal consequences. Dan, I know the police are up your ass 24/7, but suicide is  _never_ the answer. I hope you know that."

Dan gave a timid but genuine nod. "O-Of course," he replied.  
I gave his hand another squeeze, communicating something to him that I wasn't even sure of myself.

But somehow, we both understood it.

The rest of the evening was asking and answering a few other questions, one of them including how Rose managed to call me through Lav's number. Turns out that it was because she'd just found her old phone the other day, and when she'd charged it she saw the amount of missed calls there were from me, and remembered me and how she should finally tell me everything.

But I'd mainly got what I wanted. Because now I knew what happened to her, after all those years of unanswered questions and calls.

It didn't feel real. This all felt like one big dream.

The time ticked on, and soon enough Dan and I decided to start making a move.  
Rose opened the front door for us, stepping to the side so that we could exit the house.  
We both turned back to Rose, who stood in the doorway.

"Oh, I just wanna say thank you for giving me those answers," I said gratefully. "After all those years of feeling lost, now that I know what happened I feel...better.  _A lot_ better.

"No worries. I'm glad that you came. It was nice to see you again. And it was nice to meet you, Dan," she chuckled.

"You too," he replied. I felt his hand slip into mine and I was quick to curl my fingers around his hand.

"Well, I hope we can see you again sometime," I said with a smile and a small wave as we began to turn and walk away, craning our necks to look behind us.

"Stay safe boys," she waved, and we walked back down Rose's porch.

Once again, the journey back was a blur. We were silent on the way back to the hotel, we were silent going up the elevator, and we were silent when we were back in our room again.

But it wasn't nervous silence. Because somehow we both felt safe.

As I laid in the white sheets of my bed, I checked the time on my phone.

_12:07am._

Shit, it was later than I thought it was. Or, earlier, in that sense.

I heard the sound of bare feet tapping against the floor as Dan came out from the bathroom.  
He'd had a shower and gotten into his pajamas, so his hair looked fluffy and bouncy, and he seemed to be glowing.

I smiled at him. "Hey," I mumbled, speaking the first sentence to him since we'd left Rose's house.

"Hey," he breathed back, and he padded over and sat on the edge of my bed. His hand brushed my arm, slowly trailing to my shoulder.

I felt my cheeks burn slightly, but it wasn't scorching-hot. "Do you wanna lay with me?" I asked.

He nodded once. "Yeah," he whispered.

I moved up to make space for him as I pulled back the covers. He clambered into bed next to me and I draped the covers over us, wrapping him in as much warmth as possible.  
His arms snaked around my waist and I cuddled round his shoulders, pulling him close to my chest and pressing my nose into his scalp, breathing in the scent of the hotel shampoo that he'd used.

We stayed in that position in silence for about ten minutes, before Dan's head wriggled up so that he could see me. "Phil?" He whispered.

I hummed in response, staring into his sparkling eyes and smiling as they reflected with mine, almost creating a face-to-face contrast.

"You did so well tonight," he told me, his hand gently squeezing my arm.

I sighed, relaxing even more into his embrace. "So did you, Hun," I added. "This whole trip was nerve wracking for the both of us."

"It was," Dan chuckled. He paused in thought before asking me something. "How do you feel about the answers you got? Aren't you angry that Rose didn't tell you exactly where she was?"

I guess I was a bit. Well, at first anyway.

"Well, the note she gave me just told me everything about Lav, and how she is now, and...I have a feeling she's happy. I wouldn't wanna ruin that for her," I explained, stroking Dan's hair as I softly spoke in his ear.

A small breathy giggle escaped his lips, and I felt his warm breath hit my face. "You've handled it all so well, Philly. I'm really proud of you. I mean it."

Dan's beauty and voice was taking my breath away, and I felt weightless.  
He was driving me crazy; he made me feel so special. I never thought I'd ever think that about myself but, here I was.

I'd never met someone as breathtakingly beautiful as Dan, inside and out, and I wasn't even denying that I was in love with him. It may have even reached toxicity from the amount of love I had for him, but maybe, for now, that was okay.

My fingertips brushed against his cheek, and I didn't think through what I was about to say because it felt too right to keep to myself.

"Dan..." I breathed, my nose making contact with his. "...if I kiss you right now, I promise there'll be no strings attached, okay?"

I felt his heartbeat speed up as it pumped against mine, but the small, neutral smile remained on his face.   
He nudged closer to me, so that our foreheads were touching.

"Don't be silly," he whispered. "We'll keep the strings attached."

Before I knew it, his lips had pressed against mine. My mind was experiencing every single emotion at once but through the frenzy that was my brain I managed to kiss him back just as passionately, melting into the long overdue kiss—with strings attached.

We kissed for a golden two minutes before pulling away, breathless and buzzing.  
I would've continued the kiss for longer—God his lips were like a drug to me—but we were both exhausted after everything.

We settled down, even more tangled in each other's embrace as we listened to the sound of silence swirling around us like fairies.

"Dan?" I whispered.

He hummed questioningly in response.

"Can you sing to me?"

He paused for a second, then opened his resting eyes. "What do you want me to sing?" He mumbled.

"Anything you want," I answered, shutting my eyes and pulling him closer to my chest. "I just love the sound of your voice."

He laid in silence for a minute, thinking about what to sing.  
Then, he broke the silence—and my heart melted when I heard him singing the first few lines of  _The Good Side_ by Troye Sivan.

I almost immediately began to drift into a peaceful sleep, and I don't think I made it to the end of the song.

But I fell asleep with my voice being my cradle, and it echoed in my dreams instead.  
They were empty; but no imagery was needed when the sound of Dan's voice itself painted a picture anyways.

It was the best sleep I'd had in a very long time, and it made it better knowing that he was by my side.

 

 


	26. chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll give a warning for it before it happens but this chapter contains smut (not graphic but I'll warn you in advance anyways)

**Phil**

We'd packed and left the hotel very early in the morning, to get the final, nerve wracking journey out of the way.  
Dan was relieved to declare this the final time he wore that goddamn wig, in which I found amusement in his relief.

We were waiting at the train station, and my eyes were scanning over the times to find when the next train to London would be. Eventually I found London on the board for platform two, which didn't arrive here until after another forty-five minutes.

I turned to Dan, who was trying to hide how skeptical he was of the people around us. "We've got a bit of time to burn until our train comes, you wanna go grab something to eat in the meantime?" I asked him.

"Sure," he replied. "Where do you wanna go?"

My eyes searched around the station, trying to find somewhere to go—when my eyes caught onto a Starbucks.  
I didn't know whether it was a good idea to go to Starbucks, hence Dan's personal history of working there.

When everything was alright.

But at the same time, it'll probably be nice for him to go in there again.

"Uh, do you mind going to Starbucks or is it a bit too much for you?" I asked.

Dan's eyes traveled over to the Starbucks I was referring to, and I saw a familiarity in those brown eyes.

Recollection eyes.  
I hadn't seen them in a long time.

But as his lips ever so slightly tugged into a smile, I had a feeling it was a good thing.

"No, I'd love to go in there again," Dan told me, his still-entranced eyes connecting with mine. "Relive the good times."

I gave him a half-smile, excitement and nerves bubbling away in the cauldron that was my stomach, and gently tugged his sleeve, which was quick to lace with his hand. "Come on then," I said softly, and we walked over to the entrance.

I noticed the grip on my hand had grown in strength as we approached the entrance, and I felt nervous for him. I would give anything for Dan to come back to work again. But no one knows about the misunderstanding.

We entered the shop, and a familiar wave of warmth rushed over me, and the smell of coffee beans and sugar made me feel right at home.

I glanced over at Dan, whose eyes had lit up with happiness; the smiling from his eyes.  
I restrained from pecking that dimpled cheek, even though it was difficult.

"You okay?" I asked him, leaning closer to his ear.

He nodded. "Yeah," he breathed, and I could see happy tears glistening in the whites of his eyes.

We queued up, and we ordered the coffees that we always used to get at the shop whilst Dan was working there. I got a caramel frappe whilst Dan got his double chocolate chip frappe.

We had to say that his name was Danielle as to not make it suspicious, and although we had to be serious about it when hurriedly thinking up a female name on the spot, I couldn't help but giggle at the way he blurted out the name so suddenly.

Eventually, we got our coffees, bought a little snack and took a seat at one of the tables.

Dan took a sip of his frappe, looking around the shop. "It feels weird going into a Starbucks without Christmas decorations and specials up," he chuckled.

"I miss the Christmas spirit in the shop," I admitted.

Dan sighed, a sad smile on his lips. "Me too. But I know I'll see it again. I have a plan," he said.

"What's that plan?" I wondered, sipping my frappe.

He giggled, looking down at the table. "I can't tell you that yet."

I tilted my head, grinning slightly. "Why not?"

"You'll see, Phil," he laughed, nudging my leg with his knee under the table and making me blush. "But it'll work. I know it will. That's all you need to know for now."

I squinted my eyes at him and pouted, causing him to giggle "innocently."

"I've got my eye on you, Howell," I warned, booping his nose with my finger. He laughed as he twitched his nose, shrugging his shoulders in embarrassment.

Then, unexpectedly, two fat tears rolled down his rosy cheeks.

My smile immediately turned into a frown and I looked up at him with a tilted head. "Hey, hey," I whispered. "What's the matter, Hun?"

The smile remained on his face as he sniffled and wiped away the wetness from his cheeks. "It's nothing," he sighed happily, despite his watery eyes. "I'm not sad."

My heart melted, and my face softened.

I would say that was the moment that I fell so deeply in love with him that I physically felt dizzy—but the truth was, that part of the process happened a long time ago. I guess I was just drowning in what I fell into; beginning to suffocate in it.

The flood gates may have compressed it all, but it was beginning to fizz and spit, and the more I looked at this beautiful puzzle in front of me, the more the dense wood began to erode away.

I was just surrounded by this acidic substance, and there was so much of it. I wondered how long it'd take until it all broke through, engulfing the both of us at such a high velocity that it dizzied us. Like immense relief, but  _more._

I stood up abruptly, and Dan looked up at me with confusion. "Phil? What are you doing?" he asked, with a slightly clogged voice.

I wasn't too sure myself what exactly I was doing—but I knew I needed to do it. We'd both wasted too much time thinking about things when time is an essential that we should be appreciating. The thing with Lav, that half-year when Dan was nowhere to be found—it taught me a lesson to not waste a second, because it's gone in the blink of an eye.

So I didn't think about it anymore. "Let's make this day memorable," I proposed. "Let's wander around, do what we want. We can grab a train later, but for now let's just let loose. Have fun. We only have today, so let's hurry."

Dan looked at me in amazed disbelief, and then laughed. "Where did this come from?"

I smiled down at him. "This came from the life lessons I've learnt ever since I met you. Now get up, we're going out," I ordered, and he was definitely taking it in a humorous way. But actually, it wasn't all jokes. Partly, but not completely.

So, taking our drinks with us, we exited the train station to walk around town. We looked around the shopping center, we bopped around to the music being played in  _Sainsburys_ , and we even got told off by the owner of an antiques shop because I nearly knocked over a china teacup that was super old or something.

But the whole trip just felt so  _safe_ , even though I'd risked taking Dan out for longer and upping our chances of being stopped by a witness.

We explored Leeds, hand in hand, and it just felt relaxed. There wasn't much more description needed than that.

But...I hate to say I jinxed it.

For we were walking back to the train station as it was beginning to get dark—and I froze at who I saw approaching.

Dan came to a halt with me, also recognizing the person and gripping onto my hand with fear.

"Hey Phil!" he called out from a slight distance.

Dan quickly looked down at the ground, trying to hide his face behind the wig hair.

I looked back over at the man who was approaching us with a confused frown. "P-Pj?" I stammered. "I...what on earth are you doing in Leeds?"

"I'm out visiting my dad, I'm just picking up some groceries for him," he replied cheerily, and my idiocy made me want to punch myself.

I didn't think this through.

"I was about to ask you the same thing, but," Pj chuckled, glancing over at a scared, disguised Dan. "I think I've figured it out."

I felt my face go red as my neck began to sweat. "U-Uh, what's that supposed to mean?" I asked him with nervous laughter and a very noticeably stiff posture.

He gave me an amused frown. "Well this is  _obviously_  a date? Right?"

How the fuck do I respond to that?

"U-Um, y-yes we're just grabbing a train so we'd best be going," I babbled.

"Wait, I wanna know your name first," Pj said to Dan, and I felt Dan inhale sharply as he kept his gaze to the ground. "What's your name, madam?"

Dan was sending me a desperate mental message to just say something before he had to, so I quickly cut in. "Um, s-she's shy. W-Well, that's not her name, obviously, but—wait yeah, that is her name. That is  _definitely_  her name. Shy is her name, a-and she is  _also_  shy!" I let out a series of weird chortles that very prominently sounded like a cry out for help—and Pj picked up on it immediately.

He looked at me, frowning. "Phil?" he mumbled in a low tone. "What's happening?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but the only thing that came out was a croak that made it seem like I had a frog in my throat.

Then, as if I'd been plunged into an awful nightmare, Dan sighed loudly and I saw out of the corner of my eye as he lifted his head. "This is what's happening, Pj," Dan answered, a steadiness to his voice that I wasn't expecting.

It took Pj a few seconds of puzzlement until it transitioned into disbelief and denial. My clasp on Dan's hand strengthened, scared that if I let go he'd be taken away from me. I slowly turned my head round to Dan with wide eyes, and I could see the vulnerability in his eyes as he connected his line of sight with Pj's.

Pj's arms slowly folded and his eyebrows rose. "Why, hello there,  _Dan_ ," he greeted sarcastically. The way he said his name had a bitter tone to it that made me flinch.

Dan swallowed. "Hello, Pj."

Tension was flooding the air and it made me stiffen audibly.

Pj kissed his teeth, suppressing his apparent anger, and nodded his head. "How long has this been going on for?" he challenged.

Dan's gaze turned down to the floor again with discomfort. "A while now," Dan faltered.

There was silence before Pj spoke again, ducking his knees to talk closer to him. "Mhm, and why's that?" he muttered with asperity. "I'm presuming it was because Phil was forced to come and clean up your mess wasn't it?"

At that moment, I snapped. "Alright Pj, I'm gunna be real with you here," I began slowly. "Being friends with you for such a long time has told me that you're smart. You always know what's wrong and right. In this situation, the answer is  _so_  fucking obvious, it's been right in front of you all this time, and it's really not difficult to see it. I just...I don't understand why you don't see it, Pj. I really don't."

Pj turned to me in disbelief. "Oh, and what's the right answer then, hm?" he asked. "That he's never hurt a fly in his life? That all of the stuff he's involved in with the police is all one big misunderstanding? Fucking bullshit! Murder is murder, Phil. Once it happens, the trust just goes. It's gone forever. You say that you don't understand  _me_?? Just listen to yourself, Phil!"

"You  _seriously_ believe, even after that December we spent all together, that he's a bad person??" I snapped. "I can't believe—"

"—Phil, stop." I heard a wobbly voice beside me choke out. I switched my focus back to Dan, whose chin was wobbling as an overflow of tears seeped down his cheeks.

His sad eyes connected with mine. "H-He's right," he told me.

I felt his hand slip out of mine, and it felt like one of my body parts had disconnected from me, and an unexpected emptiness washed over me. It almost seemed to happen in slow motion as my torso swiveled around, and Dan ran off into the sea of people bustling around us, very quickly disappearing in the crowd.

My legs stretched into a running stance as I tried to go after him, but I felt someone grab my shoulder, so that I'd spun back around.

"Don't do this, Phil," Pj pleaded. "I know you love him but he may not be telling the truth."

I stared back at the man that'd been there for me all those years. Who  _I'd_  always turned to for help, who  _I'd_  always relied on, and I realized that this time, he needed  _my_  help in understanding.

So I leaned in to him, making direct, serious eye-contact to get my point across. "Every slash, every bruise, every mark on his skin, they spoke every truth to me. I may not have physically been there when he took that vile man's life, but I still saw it. I saw that he had every right to kill that man. So, if you try calling the police again, just have that in the back of your mind. Then you'll understand me."

With that, I turned and ran from him, and he didn't run after me. I didn't even care what he did with that information.

I had to find Dan.

☾

I'd been searching for Dan all day, sent him countless messages, but had no luck in finding him. I'd searched all around Leeds and there'd been no signs of him.

It was now very dark, and my fast stance was beginning to slow as I typed out yet another worried message to Dan. I sent it, swiping through them all with shaky hands.

_Phil_ _:_ _where are u_

_ Phil _ _:_ _please answer me, hun._

_Phil_ _:_ _I'm so worried, please let me know if you're okay._

_ Phil _ _:_ _please, hun. I can't lose you again._

_ Phil _ _:_ _please call._

"Shit," I mumbled, feeling two tears roll down my cheeks.  
Every time I promise myself that the day will be perfect—it just never is. I always get my hopes up too high, it needs to stop.

But now it may be too late.

I collapsed my back against the wall, sliding down it and hugging my knees to my chest.  
I was sitting on a small bridge that was empty, and the sound of the short river could be heard brewing underneath me—but no calming scenery or sounds could comfort me as the emptiness and fear I was feeling made me feel so alone.

It didn't just ache—it  _burned._

Just as I was about to have a mental breakdown there on that very bridge, I heard the sweet, familiar sound of someone's voice calling out my name.  
My head shot up to the right to see the disguised, beautiful mess standing at the end of the bridge, in fountains of tears.

"Fuck," I mumbled, scrambling up from where I sat and racing up to him.  
Without hesitation, we fell into each other's arms, and my body was overtaken with that warmth and fuzz that I got from Dan's embrace.

"Jesus fuck, Dan," I sobbed, pulling away from him to caress his damp cheek with my thumb. "Why didn't you answer my messages?? I was petrified!!"

"I-I'm sorry, my phone was dead," he sniffled, his fists scrunching up into balls with the fabric of my shirt. "B-But I couldn't bear to listen to Pj anymore, b-because he's right, Phil. He's  _so_ right—"

"—Shh," I interrupted him gently, and his speech transitioned into sob after sob that was muffled over with his hand. I told him it was okay over and over again, slowly rocking him as I clutched him to my chest desperately.

"Dan," I whispered shakily as I pulled away and smiled sadly at him. I gently tugged off the knotted, long wig from his head as no one was around, and his brown, wispy curls spring free once again. I chuckled gently, as his hair had gone a bit flat after wearing it for so long.

As I swiped his tears away with the brush of my thumb, a small breeze whipped through his hair, and I watched as his curls ever so gently lifted.

My eyes connected with his, and it made my heart ache to see them full of so much water.

"You're beautiful," I couldn't help but whisper to him.

"Oh, Philly," he quietly sniffled, with a short-lived smile. "You're not gunna like what I'm about to say."

"What is it?" I asked him, my arms hooking round his waist as I hugged him a bit closer to my chest, desperate to keep him close to me in case he somehow slipped between my fingers again.

He wiped his eyes, taking a deep breath. "I think it's the right thing if I hand myself in."

The suggestion made my face drain of all colour, and I gripped onto his shoulders. "No," I replied firmly. "That's not the right thing."

"It'll be so much more peaceful, sweetheart," he choked. "I'm tearing your life and friendships apart, and I need to get my shit together. This is my only fate, Phil. I'm at a dead end. I need to give in."

"You think it'd be  _peaceful_?" I questioned with puzzlement. "As long as you're gone, my mind is anything but peaceful, Dan."

"That's not what I mean," he sighed shakily. "I don't want to be the centre of drama in your life, you don't deserve that. At least if I go to jail I have time to refresh everything. Restart."

"Do you fucking hear yourself?? I'm not letting you go, Dan," I stated with an edge to my voice. "I promise you that prison is not your fate. Your fate is happiness, and I can see it in your eyes, Hun. I always have done. I can read you like a book, Dan, it's crystal clear to me."

"Well what about Pj then?" He challenged. "Your best friend? Who's being torn away from you because of me? His hatred towards me completely clashes with yours, Phil, and it's tearing you two apart. And it's my fault, I know it is—so why can't you just let me go??"

"Dan, Pj hasn't seen what I've seen. He didn't see what that fucking vile man did to you," I ranted, with both of us in tears by now. "The reason he acted like that towards you is because he hasn't seen what I've seen. He hasn't  _felt_ what I've felt for you, ever since I first saw you, ever since I found you on the bench—I'm the only one, Dan! That's why!"

He shook his head, tears seeping down his red cheeks. "You're not making any sense, Phil. I just don't understand—"

"—I fucking love you! With fucking strings attached!" I yelled, clutching onto his shoulders and pressing my forehead against his. "When I say that I love you, it means so much more than what you hear. It means that I will be with you no matter what, it means I will love you no matter what gets in the way, and I don't care what you say about yourself, no matter what you say I will always just drown it out. Because you will  _always_ be  _perfect_ to me. You've changed my life, Hun. How the fuck did you do that? Do you even  _realise_ how fucking  _amazing_ you are for doing that shit for me?? So you better listen to me Daniel James Howell, because as long as I love every ounce of you, you're not going anywhere!"

Dan's teary eyes had grown incredibly wide as he processed every word I'd said, and I felt lightheaded at the realisation that I'd just said all of that.

His eyebrows relaxed, and so did his shoulders—and before I could even start panicking about my really fucking messy confession, he'd leant in and crashed his lips with mine.

Fireworks were exploding in my brain and I felt my knees go weak and we leant on each other for support as we passionately shared this kiss that was best described as ground-breaking.

Dan was quick to pull away so that he could look at me again—and through the mass of tears upon his cheeks and spread out all under his eyes, he gave me the biggest smile that I'd ever seen him pull.

"Well I fucking love you too, Phil," he declared as happy tears rolled down his cheeks. "With strings completely, one hundred percent attached."

We both laughed with disbelief and butterflies circulating in our stomachs, and when I leaned in and kissed him again, I could feel the flood gates open, and I was no longer the only man holding the spitting solution upon my shoulders anymore.

Instead we were drowning in it together, and that felt much better than drowning alone.

☾

We got back home at just-gone twelve, which wasn't exactly ideal—but I had no regrets about tonight's events.  
I was buzzing, I felt like I was walking on clouds.

Dan and I walked down my porch, hand in hand and happier than ever.  
"You wanna watch movies 'till we fall asleep?" I asked Dan with excitement as I turned the key in the door.

"Sounds like a plan," Dan beamed, his rosy cheeks prominent as the golden light from my outdoor lights reflected on his soft skin.

We walked through, and the moment I shut the door, Dan's wig soared off his head with one hand snap.  
"Wig has flown!" Dan declared, turning to me and giggling.

"You dork," I giggled with him, walking over and pecking his nose, leading Dan to catch my lips. It was brief, but so soft.

My chin rested on his shoulder and my arms snaked around his waist.

Warm.

"I don't mean to disrupt the mood," Dan chuckled. "but I need to get out of this goddamn skirt and into some pajamas."

I pouted as I pulled away, and he just booped my nose. "Be right back," he grinned, swivelling round and sprinting upstairs.

I practically skipped into the living room to turn on Netflix and scroll through the endless choices for something to watch.

I couldn't believe this was happening. I had to replay the moment Dan said he loved me over and over in my brain, yet it still wouldn't sink in.

As I scrolled through, Dan pattered in in his bare feet and his fluffy, black pajamas, with a brown blanket bundled up in his arms.  
I scooted over to make space for Dan as he shuffled across the floor and onto the couch.

"I have a blanket for some extra warmth," he said as he cuddled up to my side, draping it over both of our bodies.

I bought my arm around his waist and rested my cheek on his head, which nestled into my shoulder. "You're like a fucking radiator anyways," I chortled.

He gave me a small tap on the arm. "Oi," he giggled.

We eventually decided to watch  _Shrek,_ because...why the hell not?

About three quarters of the way into the movie, Dan looked up at me, sighing thoughtfully as he did so.  
I stared back at him, giving him a half-smile. "Penny for your thoughts?" I asked, ruffling his curls.

"I...I just wanna say sorry for not telling you that I loved you sooner," he barely whispered, fiddling with the fabric of my t-shirt. "I guess I thought it was the right thing to not admit it but...I was wrong."

I put a finger to his lips, shushing him. "No apologising," I told him, cupping his chin with my fingertips. "The present is all that matters, not the past."

"I know. You're right. I just wish I hadn't left it so damn long..." he sighed.

After admiring him for a few seconds, I touched my forehead with his. "I don't want you to feel forced or pressured into any of this Dan, if that's what you mean," I mumbled.

"No, it's not forced, I love you," Dan quickly responded, and I felt his hand squeeze my own from under the blanket.

I gave him a nose-scrunch smile. "I love you too, Hun," I whispered.

We soon decided to go upstairs as we were tired and not so focused on the movie anymore.

We both went into my room, and the moment I shut the door, Dan gently tugged at the hem of my shirt so that I stumbled forwards, standing close to him with his back against the wall.  
Our chests pressed together and our lips met again.

I cupped both of his cheeks in my hands and his arms looped around my back, pulling me to his chest even more.

My whole body was tingling with nerves and excitement, as I'd waited for this moment for so long. I was living on an all time high on this short but sweet moment.

The kiss we were sharing seemingly escalated in passion, as our kisses became a tad more desperate.  
I swiped my tongue quickly over his bottom lip, and I felt the small bumps of his chapped lips.  
I heard him gasp quietly, but he tilted his head for more of an entrance, so he clearly didn't mind me doing that.

Dan pulled away, his lips travelling from my jaw, to my neck.  
As Dan began to kiss and affectionately nibble at my skin, I thought for a moment, and it caused me to hold his shoulders to halt him.

"Hun, wait," I sighed.

He looked at me with instant panic. "Shit, I went too far didn't I?" He cursed.

"No no no, I liked it," I blushed. "But you don't have to rush into this. If you want time then don't feel like you have to go fast with all of this."

He sighed. "I just feel like we shouldn't waste time waiting for the right moment, like you said. Because time goes on so quick. I don't wanna have anymore regrets, I just wanna  _live._ "

"But are you sure you definitely wanna do this, Hun? If you're not ready then it's okay. We can wait for that."

He connected his eyes with mine, and squeezed both of my hands. "I'm one hundred percent sure, Philly," he answered. "I love you so much, and I want you to know that."

God. He was so fucking beautiful. What did I ever do to deserve such a gorgeous human being?  
It didn't even need to sink in that this was happening because that's how right it felt.

He was everything to me, and if he was ready, then I sure shit was ready, too.

***it isn't graphic don't worry but here's your smut warning I guess** *

So we slowly walked over to my bed, and clambered under my covers. Through the darkness of the sheets, I found both of Dan's hands and pinned then back against the mattress as I clambered on top of him. Our lips moved together again, but only for a second as I'd trailed down to his neck. I began to gently kiss around it, finding his sweet spot and beginning to make my mark there.  
I took the skin between my teeth, gently kissing and sucking at that spot. Dan's head tilted sideways, and I heard him gasp and sigh every-time I gently nibbled at it.

As I continued to place love bites all over his neck, my hands trailed under his pajama jumper and up his back, and Dan's fingers began to fiddle with the buttons on my shirt, unbuttoning each one carefully as if each one was made up of fragile china, and helped me shrug it off my shoulders so that my bare chest was exposed.

My lips left his neck so that I could remove his jumper, but before I did I hovered back over Dan's face, brushing my nose with his. "Just want you to know that the marks on your skin don't make you look any less beautiful to me. You're perfect in my eyes," I whispered to him, my fingers hooking around the soft fabric.

"It's okay Phil," he whispered back, pecking my lips. "I don't mind. I trust you."

"Okay, Hun. If you're sure. I love you so much," I whispered as I began to lift his jumper up.

"I love you too," he whispered back, once again connecting his lips with mine briefly. It communicated trust, and it made me feel like I was flying around insane happiness.

Once our lips parted, I lifted his jumper over his head, throwing it to the side.  
My eyes skimmed over his scars and bruises, and it looked like none of them had healed one bit.

Although I hated his disgusting excuse of a father for inflicting this pain on him, I still saw them as beautiful. Because he was still my Dan, no matter what his past once held.

My lips trailed over his chest and stomach, placing soft kisses on each of them. He was okay. He was safe. And I knew I'd make sure of that tonight.

Being as close as physically possible to Dan was such an immense feeling. It was a journey—towards breaking the final chunk of ice that stuck out between us once. It was beginning to crack and break, and it was getting closer and closer to that final bang.

And it was that very moment, where Dan and I let out that final, throaty noise, with our sweaty hands clasped together, our bodies becoming one, that the glass exploded into millions of little fragments.

And that was the moment where I felt truly complete. We'd shown the ultimate proof of love, and it was an emotional rollercoaster—but here we are.

We both rolled over onto our backs, taking a minute to catch our breath and let the high subside.

I felt like squealing.

After a few minutes, Dan turned onto his side and put his chin on my bare shoulder. "Hey," he whispered with a breathy giggle, his hand trailing over my chest.

My head rolled to the side, and I grinned down at him. "Hi," I breathed, still kind of out of breath.

It felt so powerful to be so close to him; I couldn't shake off the insane high of giddy happiness I was and had been experiencing.

My fingers ran through his messy curls and he nuzzled his cheek against my shoulder.  
"I'm so proud of you, you know that, right?" I told him.

"Why's that, sweetheart?" He asked me in the softest voice.

I chuckled. "Well, we'd be here until sunset if I explained every proud moment I've felt with you. But to sum it up, it's just how far you've come with everything. I mean, you seem to have started moving on from your dad, you're opening up more and more everyday—I don't know. I'm just so proud of what you've achieved."

"Awe, Philly," he whispered. "I wouldn't have made it without you." He craned his neck to lock his lips with mine softly, gently caressing my mouth with his own. It was short but sweet, and I loved that.

We pulled away from the kiss slowly, smiling like Cheshire cats as our gazes swam in the irises.

I'd solved him. All of the pieces had formed and I now knew everything that I needed to know about Dan, and how he came into my life.

To think it all started with a Starbucks coffee was so bizarre—yet I wouldn't change it for the world.

"Dan?" I asked him in a whisper, staring into his eyes.

"Yeah, Phil?"

I watched the way his eyelashes gracefully fluttered as he blinked, making him look angelic.

I half-smiled as I began to say the proposal I'd been holding back longer than words can comprehend.  
"Let's start a new life together."

He tilted his head in confused curiosity. "What?" He giggled.

"Let's move away. To somewhere isolated, where no one even knows who you are—but a beautiful place. Maybe somewhere rural like Lav did. We can start afresh, without worrying all the time that people will find you. We can be... _free._  Do whatever we want. Not give a shit. You deserve that life, Dan, and you can get it." I tangled my fingers with his, clasping his palm and pressing his warm hand to my lips. "What do you say, Hun? Does that sound neat?"

He took a moment to gaze at me in a happy, trance-like state—before letting out a laugh that also sounded like a sob. "I'd love that more than anything," he laughed, but I could see that it was through tears and a cracking voice.

"Really? You think that sounds like a plan?" I asked him for confirmation. I was genuinely serious about this. I was prepared to do anything for Dan to have a normal, happy life, and even if it meant leaving everything else behind me then I wouldn't let that stop us.

"Yes," Dan sniffled, and stroked his thumb against my palm. "Just...not yet. Because I already have a plan, and once I've started that plan, then we can have that. I want nothing more than for us to both be happy, Phil. Not just me, but you too, and I'm willing to do anything for that to happen to us."

The plan, there it is again. I still had no clue what he meant by that, it was yet again something that remained a mystery.

But I trusted him. I trusted him with all my heart that he knows what to do. I could see it in those beautiful brown eyes of his.

"Dan," I breathed, brushing my nose against his. "Before I met you, I wore a mask. A mask of artificial happiness. After meeting you, my mask just seemed to...naturally fall away. Hun...how did you do that?"

"I guess...we both made each other happy," he whispered. "and that seemed to drown all the problems out. I mean, the whole thing with my dad doesn't even feel real. It just...doesn't matter to me anymore. Because I've got you and you've got me, and that's all I think about now. Everything else is irrelevant."

Fucking hell. I loved it when he was right.

"Dan, I love you so much," I breathed, pulling his waist closer to me as I ran circles up and down his bare back. "I never wanna lose you."

We kissed again, our lips brushing together and slowly moving against each other. It was a tired kiss, but even though we were sleepy and un-energetic with touches, it still felt like a strong drug was pumping through my body, running from my heart to the ends of my fingertips.

"I...love you...too..." Dan mumbled in between the kiss, and I felt like I'd just jumped over the fucking moon.

Falling asleep that night had never felt more beautiful. We tangled in each other's embrace, Dan's head tucked into my chest so that my chin could rest on top of his fluffy curls, which still smelt of the hotel shampoo. Dan's heavy breathing blew softly against my eardrums, sounding like sweet birdsong to me, and as we laid there, with nothing but a thin sheet of warmth clothing our naked bodies, I realised that I'd reached the full peak of happiness.

And as long as Dan was by my side, I wasn't coming down anytime soon.

☾

**Dan**

I put the pen down on the desk, picking up the piece of paper and reading it with trembling hands.

Was I really about to do this?

Skimming through the mess of words I'd created on this limited, A4 piece of paper made me realise that, what I was about to do will change everything.  
But deep deep down in my lovesick heart, I knew it was the right thing to do.

I folded it in half, and turned around to Phil. Just seeing him there, sprawled on the mattress sleeping deeply made me want to cry and break down—but I controlled myself.

Because I loved Phil.  _So_ much. More than I even thought I did. So if I was going to do the right thing for him and for me, I needed to calm down.

I took a few deep breaths before I placed the folded piece of paper next to where he slept.  
The rustling of the paper caused him to stir in his sleep, in which I shushed him gently.

"Go back to sleep, sweetheart," I whispered as quietly as I could—and thank fuck, he seemed to settle down again.

Once I was 100% certain that he wasn't waking up, I turned my gaze down to my wrist. I pulled up my sleeve, revealing the gorgeous bracelet that he'd given me that snowy Christmas.

"Home," I choked out quietly as I read it aloud.

That word stuck out to me so much, and I think I knew why.  
Because nearly my entire life, I haven't  _had_  a home. My dad's house wasn't a home, it was more of a prison.  
But here with Phil, I'd found what it means to have a home, and I couldn't thank him enough for that.

Slowly and hesitantly, I removed the bracelet and placed it on top of the folded letter.

That's when it hit me: it was time.

I glanced over at the digital clock.

_5:30am._

I didn't want to go. I really didn't.  
But it was the right thing, and no one could convince me otherwise. Not even Phil.

I leant down, delicately pecking his forehead. I let the kiss linger as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

I pulled away eventually, smiling down at his sleeping face. "Goodbye, Philly. I love you, sweetheart."

The moment I said that, I turned away from him, walking out of the room to go on a journey.

A journey to freedom.

 


	27. chapter 26

**Phil**

My eyes slowly opened, being greeted by the blinding sun that stung my irises. I could hear something going off to the side of me, and the more I woke up, the more I came to realize that it was my phone ringing.

Groaning, I sat up and reached for my phone to answer the call.

As I unlocked my phone, my eyes skimmed over the time.

_6:30am._

Jesus, I don't even wake up this early for work.

The caller ID told me it was Pj calling me, and I couldn't help but hover over the  _'Decline'_ button.  
Why couldn't he have called me when I was less asleep?

Eventually I sighed and stabbed the  _'Answer'_ button, pressing the speaker to my ear.

Pj was first to talk. "Hey, Phil," he started, with sadness in his voice.

"Hi," I yawned. "Why are you calling so early?"

As I stretched out, I tilted my head—and noticed that Dan was gone.

"Ah, sorry about that," he chuckled. "In fact, I kind of want to apologize for... _everything._ I realize now that I should've handled this maturely, and I failed to do that."

"O-Okay," I replied, still half asleep and confused as to where Dan was.

That's when I noticed a neatly folded-up piece of paper laying on his pillow.

"I hope you can forgive me sometime, buddy," he sighed.

I reached over, grabbing the piece of paper and quickly unfolding it.  
Something had fallen out of it and onto my lap, and I almost immediately recognized it as the bracelet I gave Dan at Christmas.

_Home._

"It's stupid that only now I'm realizing how wrong I've been, I mean I only knew Dan for a month, and by the looks of things, you've known him for even longer," Pj went on. "But I hope he doesn't—"

"—Fuck no," I whispered as my eyes traced over his shaky handwriting, only small segments processing in my brain.

_Dearest Phil..._   
_...The right thing..._   
_...Murder is murder..._   
_...Thank you..._   
_...Love you..._

"...Phil? Are you okay?"

But I'd already dropped the phone and raced out of my house at full speed.

☾

Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I ran as fast as I could down the path to my destination.  
I couldn't believe that this was happening. I was so stupid for not looking out for him more.

I should've known that this would happen. How could I have let something so obvious just slide??

I skidded round the corner, and pelted down the path to the police station, almost ramming into the door from the force I ran at it.  
I burst through, storming to the reception desk and barely batting an eyelid at the people who stared.

"Where is he?" I growled, clutching the front desk.

The lady behind the reception desk looked around her with a fearful expression before looking back to me. "S-Sir, who are you loo—"

"—Daniel Howell," I said in a low tone.

I was ready to vandalize this place if she tried to stop me from seeing him.

"Oh, w-well he's—"

"—Phil Lester?" I heard a female voice say behind me.

I swiveled round to see a formally dressed lady with bleach-blonde hair scraped and hair sprayed back into a tight ponytail, along with two armed police officers behind her.

They know my name—that must mean they know where Dan is.

I raced up to them. "Is he with you??" I demanded.

The lady nodded once. "He's going to remain in custody until further questioning at the court case," she told me. "That's when he can give a full statement."

***note that I don't work with the police so none of this is accurate, this is ju** **st** **fiction***

I wanted to scream  _'How dare you lock him up like a stray, you fucking monsters!!'_ but instead my desperation replaced the anger. "Can I see him now?" I pleaded.

"No, sir he's been a wanted criminal for almost a year now," she stated.

"But he's not a criminal! I swear to you, he's innocent!" I tried to persuade her.

"Well you'll explain that on the day of the court case then," she simply said. "I suggest you go back home and come back in two days if you want to defend him."

Her and the men tried to walk past me, but I stepped in front of their path so that they stopped again.

I was not giving in.

"What if I make the statement now?" I tried again. "Please just let me sa—"

My sentence and intention caught in my throat for a moment as my eyes caught on to what was happening over the woman's shoulder.  
Two guards stood side by side to a boy dressed in orange and handcuffs. His gaze focused on the floor, his fluffy curls falling over his blotchy face.

"Dan!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, attempting to run to him. I was met with two, burly hands thumping my shoulders and locking me down into a powerful grip, stalling my movements.

His head shot up, and his vulnerable eyes widened when he saw me.

I struggled in their grips, desperate to get away and take him into my arms for at least a second before I'm ripped away from him, like secure thread torn from cloth.

It was excruciating to not have him here; not to mention simply the notion of Dan being in trouble almost doubled me over.

"D-Dan!" I screamed out again. "You'll be okay, Hun! I'll get you out of here, I p-promise you—"

"—Phil go home!" He yelled, his eyes filling with water. "You're gunna get yourself in trouble!"

I hated myself at this moment. I hated myself for not always being there to protect him. I hated myself for not suspecting that he was gunna do this.

Because whilst I was away in dreamland, he was busy fucking handing himself in to the police.

The policemen began dragging Dan away, and he craned his neck as he was led down there, to the place he didn't belong.  
The only place that he belonged was in my arms.

"N-No wait!!" I screamed, desperately trying to wriggle out of the police's grip. "Dan I-I love you okay?! Everything will be fine, Hun!"

I saw the tears spill from his big, puppy eyes as he mouthed 'I'm sorry' and reluctantly pulled his head forwards.

I went to struggle even more, but the lady beside me stood in front of me, further restricting me seeing him.  
"Sir, I'm gunna need you to calm down," she told me. "He won't be the only one in trouble if you don't."

"Arrest me. I want to be arrested," I pleaded, thrusting my wrists in front of her. "I don't care if I get in trouble. It'll be better if you do it—so arrest me right now."

"No it will not make it better, in fact you're making it worse by not defending Dan," she stated firmly. "You will not be able to speak up at the court case if you get arrested, and then there'll be no chance. So, sir, I need you to calm down. Now."

I took a moment to look at her in pure disbelief before letting out an angry laugh.

This was a mess. A mistake. A complete misunderstanding. The fact that I'll have to wait two whole days to say everything I need to say makes me  _so_ impatient.

Because he isn't a criminal. He's  _Dan._ I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, I'll scream it from the rooftops:  _Dan is innocent._

But only I know that right now.  
Only I know everything.

The lady soon asked me, after I'd calmed down a little, if there was anyone I should call, and I was about to say no—but then I thought of Pj.  
He'll know what to do. He understands now, he isn't misunderstanding the situation anymore.  
I could just sense it.

So I sat in the waiting area, tapping my foot rapidly and pacing up and down the corridors anxiously.  
It was weird to think that Dan was within the same walls as I was right now. It felt wrong not knowing where he was, though.

I felt like I was in a maze. A maze of disbelief.

I heard the automatic doors open, in which my head lifted from the floor.  
The moment my eyes met Pj's, I stood from my seat and ran to him.

I didn't realize how desperately I craved comfort at that part of my life. Sat there in that waiting room, watching everyone get on with their lives and simply walk past, their wind trails gently hitting the sides of my cheeks like a gentle but violent slap in the face.

It felt so... _lonely._ As if I were in the middle of a desert, tumble weed rolling past as I just sit there, watching the empty world go by.

"Phil," he breathed. "Thank God you're okay, I thought you'd—"

I interrupted him by flinging into a tight, suffocating hug, clutching his shoulders and almost knocking him over.

That's when I broke down into heavy, snort-sobs which were muffled by his shoulder.

We were still in the doorway so I imagined people were probably staring—but I didn't care. I'd lost my Dan again.

Pj stood stiffly for a moment in my suffocating, desperate mess of a hug, but he soon relaxed. He returned the hug as I hysterically cried from the loss and grief I was feeling.

"I'm sorry this happened, buddy," he whispered, not needing a direct explanation to realize that Dan had, once again, slipped through my fingers, like a rare handful of tropical, fine sands. But it was too fine.  _Too_ fine.  
Because it's not in my hands anymore.

Pj offered to drive me home, and I was too much of a mess to decline, even though my house was walking distance from the station.

It was only during the short car journey that I calmed down a bit—but the feeling was still there. The feeling of emptiness.

I rested my head against the cold, condensed window, watching life whizz past me in a blur.  
Will my life ever be the same after this? I mean I've ruined everything, because I've lost my one true love, just as I caught it. Not even a  _day_ after we said 'fuck it' and officially fell in love together—he's gone again.

And this time, it may be even longer than the Angel Alley incident. I may have to wait  _years_. How will I go that long without going insane if I'm already falling on the first hour??

Pj and I went back inside my house, where all the life had drained away. Desaturated. Turned grey.

We went into the living room and took a seat on the couch. There was a moment where we both just sat in silence; probably trying to process our emotions, because it sure wasn't processing for me. I could almost see the ' _Error 404'_ message pop up in my mind.

_File not found._

Then, Pj broke the silence. "Phil...I'm so sorry this happened," he repeated, with glassy eyes. "I don't know  _how_ he was found, but—"

"—He handed himself in," I choked, running my fingers through my fringe.

Pj looked taken aback at my answer. "I-I don't understand," he breathed in disbelief. "...why would he do that?"

"Because, Pj, I was stupid," I answered, fresh tears spilling down my face. "I was stupid to not realize that the guilt would one day eat away at him so much so that he does something like this. I was stupid to think that love had fixed him—and now he's in that godforsaken jail cell...as we  _speak_...he's going to fragment away until there's nothing left of his mind. And it's all my fault, Pj. I drove him to this decision, and it's  _my_ fault."

Pj leant over, his elbows resting on his knees as a frown settled on his features. "Don't you  _dare_ blame yourself," he commanded. "You weren't the one that abused him. You weren't the one who traumatized his childhood. You didn't do that, Phil. But you know what you did do? You lifted him up. You gave him a place to call home, you taught him how to love, after a whole life of being hated and spat on. You made him smile the brightest, biggest smiles, gave him cherishable moments. The list goes on. He loved you, Phil. He still does. Do you love him too?"

I sniffled, covering my mouth with my shaky hand. "I-I love him so so much, Peej," I wept.

"Then Phil," he told me with a teary smile. "I believe he did this for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, but I know it's there."

"But what if he doesn't make it through the court case?" I quizzed. "If he gets arrested, I really don't see a way out of that. Ugh, everything is such a mess, Pj. I don't know what to do."

There was another moment of silence so that I could cry into my palms and just...think. Think about all the times Dan and I spent together, and it was so awful thinking about him locked in a small, confined jail cell, clinging onto the bars with silent sobs escaping his chapped lips.

"Phil, I..." Pj mumbled. "...I will always be there for you, no matter what. I hope with all my heart that things turn out okay. I was stupid to not realize the misunderstanding of the crime—but I've learnt my lesson, and I'll do everything I can to defend you both. Okay?"

As upset as I felt, I still felt a small half-smile tug at my lips briefly. It did feel good to be able to talk to Pj again, and I'm glad I called him.

He stayed for a few more hours until he decided he needed to head off—thankfully he said he'll text me throughout the day so that I wouldn't feel lonely.  
I already felt lonely  _whilst_ Pj was with me, though.

Once Pj had left, I immediately went upstairs and ran into Dan's room. I walked to his wardrobe, finding his fluffy pajamas and inhaling the scent off of them. The familiar smell of Dan drifted into my nostrils, and it tickled my tear ducts—but I forced the tears back as I slipped my current clothes off and changed into his.

I then walked over to Dan's bed, curling up in the covers and deeply inhaling his scent.

At that moment, I felt an overwhelming sense of deja vu as I surrounded myself with what was left of Dan.

This was Angel Alley all over again—except I'd most likely lost him for good this time.

☾

It was the day of the court case.

I felt like throwing up. Today was my only chance to defend Dan, and I was petrified that I was gunna mess it all up. One slip up, and I'd make him look even more suspicious. And me, for that matter.

As I adjusted my tie and fumbled with my collar, my phone vibrated on the table in front of me.  
Hesitantly, I picked up my phone to see who it was from and saw that it was from Pj.

_Pj:_ _I'm at the station now, buddy. I believe in you, don't get nervous now. You're going to save Dan, I just know it._

I exhaled a breath that I didn't know I was holding, finding myself  _incredibly_ nervous despite Pj's wording.  
I quickly typed back a reply.

_Phil:_ _Thanks, Peej. Meet you there._

It's was short and brief—but I had a court case to get through.

And I definitely wasn't excited about it.

☾

I was very thankful to be greeted by Pj as soon as I walked through the automatic doors of the station.

"Hey, Phil," he sighed, pulling me into a quick hug.

"Hey," I barely whispered.

To say that I was nervous at that particular moment was an understatement. I was so worried that I'd completely fuck up my statement and send Dan into even more shit—but I have enough argumentative background, which I'm hoping will get past the court.

Once I'd pulled away from Pj's hug, I noticed that there were people here that I didn't expect to see.  
The lady who confessed to the police (Pat) was there, looking very determined indeed to argue against him, in which I had to restrain from having a word with her.

There were a few people from work, teachers from his school, and I couldn't tell whether they were defending him or against him—but there was one particular pair that'd locked their gazes with mine.

I looked over, and almost immediately recognised them.  
The girl on the right was Louise, the girl I saw at the nightclub searching for Dan. Beside her stood a boy with glasses, and I also recognised him, although it was a bit more vague.  
I remembered him as the boy that Dan served at Starbucks once, and presumably he was a friend of his that wasn't supposed to be there in case he got in danger.

They both looked practically numb by this point. Their stares almost looked cold—but I knew it wasn't, not really.

They also looked as if they wanted to say something to me, and I figured that they had a lot of questions, and I didn't even blame them.

But questions had to be put on hold for now as a formally dressed woman asked us to follow her as we were being led to the courtroom.

As we walked through the corridors, I thought of how vulnerable Dan must've been feeling right now. Alone in that horrible old jail cell. That thought alone fuelled my determination and drowned out some of the nerves I felt.

I was going to get him out of this godforsaken place; return him to the place that he belonged.

_Home._

"Phil, is it?" I heard someone say beside me.

Still in an emotional daze, my head slowly turned to my right.  
My stomach lurched when I saw Tyler there.

I gulped, not even mentally fit enough to fake smile. "Uh, yeah that's me," I mumbled.

I really didn't want to have a long conversation with this guy yet. I wanted to focus on the actual task at hand before I do any explaining and shit.

He quickly glanced both ways over his shoulder before speaking in a low, hurried tone. "You can't tell the police that you sheltered Dan."

I frowned. "Well I'm protecting  _him,_ not myself."

"No Phil, he has a point," Pj said beside me in a hushed voice. "You told the police officer that time you  _did_ offer him shelter for a while and then he left—when in fact, he came back. So if you can't prove he's innocent, you'll go down too. The chances are higher than you think.  _We_ know that Dan's innocent, but proving it to others is gunna be very difficult, as he's been wanted for a long time now."

_Shit._

It did make sense—but what else was I supposed to say? Changing that fact could also change the whole story into one big lie.

I ran my fingers through my fringe, sighing in stress as we reached the doors. "I-I'll figure something out, okay?" I answered quietly, and looked on ahead. Right now, I just needed to concentrate.

The moment I entered the courtroom, I felt like a borrower. The spacious, superior scene around me, with pale walls and people sat everywhere muttering to each other in non-recognisable whispers made my nerves once again rise rapidly.

_It's for Dan._

"Good luck, Phil," Pj whispered as we took a seat on the cold, hard, wooden chairs to the right of the podium.  
I didn't reply, I just stared at the Bible that lay closed on top of it and prayed to God that everything will be okay.

The ambient, suspicious muttering quietened down at the sound of wood banging against a table. Our heads turned towards the judge, who thumped his small hammer consecutively until there was complete silence.

"Order in court," he declared, kind of making me jump from the velocity of his voice bouncing off each wall.

I fiddled with my thumbs and tapped my foot rapidly—and just as I thought I'd break down, two armed police officers exited from the weird, glass-boxed doorway, holding onto a handcuffed, orange-dressed boy with brown curls and chestnut eyes.  
I expected for them to have lost their spark—but they hadn't at all. He didn't even look scared, or upset, just...neutral. Like he knew exactly what he was doing.

His beauty hadn't left him one bit.

The first bit was a blur as I got lost just drinking him in like I'd been alcohol deprived, but I'd zoned back into reality a bit once Dan stood on the podium, with his left palm resting on the Bible. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth," he almost whispered, his eyelids scrunching shut for a moment for a moment before he removed his hand and opened his eyes to look at the judge.

He seemed to be avoiding my gaze.

"Sir Daniel Howell," he began. "how do you plead?"

His knuckles had turned pasty white as he clutched the wooden podium, and his neutral actions had turned to pure nerves. Everyone was waiting nervously for him to say something, but the silence just got more and more deafening.

I frowned, studying his facial expression, and I could see that he was trying not to cry.

"I will repeat myself," the judge said with an uncomfortable clear of his throat. "Sir Daniel Howell, how do you plead?"

That's when he turned to me. He looked at me, tears streaming down his cheeks, and the moment my eyes met his I knew something was wrong.

Something was  _very_ wrong.

"Go on," I mouthed to him, trying to be encouraging.

That's when he gave me this smile, and it just... _told_ me. It told me what was happening.

I froze in fear as Dan turned back to the judge, wiping away his tears and sniffling loudly.

"...Mr Howell?" He repeated, raising an eyebrow.

Dan stopped wiping away his tears and smiled at the judge, his grip relaxing on the podium, and his face softening as he finally answered the judge's much-needed question.

"Guilty."

Silence erupted in shockwaves across the courtroom. Everyone's jaws dropped open, including mine, as the word hauntingly echoed around the ancient, white walls.  
No, this can't have been right. I'd misheard it. He said he wanted to run away with me, he said he wanted to start over—why would he say that he's... _guilty??_ It was absolutely absurd.

But as the final, deafening knock of the hammer declared his fate, I realised that my ears had, unfortunately, not failed me.

"No," I whispered, the moment it sunk in.

The police took ahold of Dan's shoulders once again, and Dan's head turned towards me as more tears spilled from his eyes.  
They told me that he was sorry...but what was he apologising for? He's done nothing wrong!

"No!" I yelled louder, standing up off my seat. Dan didn't take those brown eyes off of me for a second as he was dragged back into the glass box.

No. This wasn't fair! His fate, declared by a simple word that held no evidence but lies instead.  
I was losing him—everyone was  _watching_ me lose him.

Pj tried to grab my sleeve, but I pulled away, stumbling out of the isle of cold chairs and cold people and hurtling towards the exit. I ignored everyone calling out to me, telling me to come back. Because I wasn't going to give up. I'd never give up on Dan, and I love him more than I can even express.

I skidded into the corridor, trying to calculate where the hell that damn glass box could be connected to. Although I didn't have to search for too much longer as I saw him and the officers coming out from a small door.  
I raced down the corridor, and just as I went to scream his name, two burly hands thumped onto my shoulders, locking me down so that I couldn't move.

It was all too painfully similar. The way I was being held away from Dan immediately reminded me of Angel Alley. But the one main similarity that I knew would stay was that it will end with Dan in my arms, it will not end like this.

It just can't.

"Sir if you don't control yourself then you're gonna be in big trouble," the officer behind me said in a low tone.

I didn't care at this point.  
I  _wanted_ him to arrest me.

I will never forgive myself if I leave Dan here.

"Phil!" I heard a familiar voice down the corridor, followed by running footsteps. I craned my neck around to see Pj, and he looked very determined indeed.

Unlike me; my determination was rapidly declining.

"Officers, you have to understand," Pj puffed as he caught his breath from running. "Please just let him say goodbye."

"Sorry but that's not how it works," one of them replied with an eye roll. "It's called a punishment for a reason."

"He'll leave you alone afterwards, I promise you," Pj pleaded.

That's when Dan spoke up. "When you're about to lose a loved one, you need to say goodbye," he said shakily. "because there may be things that you need to tell them before it's too late."

My arms and lips were aching to touch him, feel his embrace in harmony with mine—I couldn't leave like this.

"You're not allowed an input," the officer holding him barked, making us flinch at the suddenness to his voice.  
The three officers glanced at each other with irritation—and what also looked like consideration.

Eventually, they all nodded at each other and I felt the police officer behind me release me.   
"Fine," he sighed, opening the door to an empty interrogation room beside us. "You have five minutes."

I looked from Pj to Dan with wide-eyed disbelief, and Dan and I both started walking through before they changed their minds.

"Shall I wait for you outside?" Pj asked me in a quiet tone.

I thought for a brief moment as I held open the door. "You can go home if you want, Pj," I suggested. "I'll give you a call later."

"Okay, Phil. Good luck, to the both of you," he gave me and Dan a short, sad nod.

"Thank you, Pj," I barely whispered, giving him a wide smile.  
It may have taken him a while to catch on, but he caught on at the right time. I didn't care about the other times. He'll never stop being my best friend, no matter what.

He gave us one last, very final smile before he made his way down the corridor, watching him until he disappeared down the corridor and out of the building.

"You don't have long guys, hurry up," one of the officers beckoned.

We took our eyes away from the corridor, and entered the interrogation room. I shut the door behind me, and I sighed.

This was it.  
This was goodbye.

I turned around, looking across at Dan.  
 _My_ Dan. The curly-haired boy with the big brown eyes and the soft skin—whose hands were restrained by two chunks of metal and an oversized, orange shirt and trousers that draped over his body.

But no matter what anyone put him through, he was still the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on.

His puppy eyes connected with mine, and they seemed to drag me towards him, painfully slowly. Only a few feet in front of the other and I was close to him again. My arms moved gradually, afraid that sharp movements would crack him in half like a China doll.

My hands made contact with his back, and the moment I felt his warm body on my fingertips, I bought him close to my chest. He tucked his head underneath my chin, and my nose buried into his curls. I took a deep inhale, and a waft of  _Herbal Essences_  drifted into my nostrils—the one in my very own home.

In  _our_ home.

"I-I wish I could hug you back, Philly..." he whispered into the material of my shirt as the chains securing his wrists jangled like broken jingle bells.

"Shh," my thumb circled around his spine and my embrace tightened around him. "It's okay, Dan. It's okay."

We stayed there for a few more seconds before I pulled away gently. My forehead rested against his, and my hand guided his chin so that our lips gently pressed together. I wanted that moment to last forever. The electricity in our kisses were something that I wanted to savour for eternity.

But I had questions—and time was running out.

Our lips quietly smacked as I moved my head back, once again connecting his eyes with mine.   
"Dan...I love you," I mumbled, my hands resting on his hips.

He sadly smiled at me. "I love you too, Phil," he whispered.

"Then why did you do this?" I choked, my voice cracking.

His smile faded, and he nibbled at the bottom of his lip.

I continued before he could answer me. "You could've told them what really happened, we could've...we could've finally started over together...I just don't understand."

He took a shaky deep breath, closing his eyes for a brief moment. "I did it because I knew you would get in trouble if you told the truth," he said in a hushed tone. "I've been planning this for a while now but I never thought I'd tell you."

I froze for a moment. "So  _this_ was your plan? Come on, Dan. At least if it went wrong we'd go down together. But you're going  _alone,_ Hun," I wobbled, tears spilling freely down my face. My nose touched his, and I clutched both of his hands. "and I don't wanna leave you here, I want you to be  _safe._  You don't  _belong_ here. This isn't...this isn't fair..."

"I'm so sorry, Phil," Dan whispered, his voice trembling as his own tears broke free. "If you want to move on then it's okay."

I laughed through the tears at his absurd add-on. "Dan, I'm one hundred percent, well and truly in love with you. I'm  _never_ going to leave you, you're my soulmate. You're everything to me. But it  _hurts,_ because I never even got to call you my boyfriend, I never got to make love to you every night, I never got to  _truly_ show you how much I care. And I have  _so much_ love to show you, Hun. But I can't give it to you, all because of something you aren't even at fault for. It's  _killing_ me, Dan, I...I..." I clutched his waist as more tears escaped mine and his eyes.

He leaned in, kissing the parts of my cheeks where my tears sat, with lingering pecks that made even more tears flow. "Sweetheart," he whispered, gazing into my eyes. "If I'd have gotten out today, and been confirmed not guilty, then everyone would still resent me. Everyone would know who I am and what I've done, because it's so recent. They'll look at me with disgust and fear every time I walk through the streets with you. Those festive strolls down Covent Garden will turn to shit. Whereas, once I finally get let out of jail, everyone will have forgotten by then. The press, the people, everyone. We'll finally be able to start whatever fate has in store for us—and I can see bright, beautiful sunsets on the horizon. I'll no longer be on the run anymore. I'll be... _Dan_ again." He looked up at me, hope filling his beautiful brown eyes. "We'll be Dan and Phil, the couple across the street. We'll live normal lives, Philly. We can travel anywhere we want, walk wherever we want—I can see it all. I've never seen the future so clearly before, and I can see it with  _you._ We can call each other boyfriends, we can start a family together—we can do anything we want because we'll be  _free._ Freedom comes with time—but it'll be so worth it in the end. I know it will."

I didn't know where to touch; my hands trailed from his hands to his arms to his cheeks. I was a hopeless mess, this wasn't fair.

"F-Fuck, Dan," I whispered, my hands soon settling on his back and pulling him back into a tight hug, desperately taking in his warmth before it's too late. "I-I don't wanna say goodbye."

"It's not a goodbye. Just a bye for now," he mumbled, nuzzling into the crook of my neck. "It'll take some time—but happiness is waiting patiently for us with its arms open wide." Dan carefully moved back to look at me, but still remained in my embrace. "So, dry those eyes of yours, sweetheart."

He watched me intently as I wiped away my tears vigorously, sniffing and breaking out into a smile. "Well, Dan," I started, caressing his cheeks with both my hands. "In that case, I'll wait for you. If it means we will one day be happy, then bring this shit on. I'll wait for you to come home, and once the time has passed, we can finally start over and not give a fuck. Hun, I'm so fucking excited to live my life with you, and I'll wait one hundred years for it if I have to."

And I'd never been more certain of this. I trusted Dan with all my heart, and if he believed that this will work then so will I.

Dan giggled, happy tears falling down his cheeks. "I love you so much, Phil. Thank you, you've saved me," he choked. "I'm so excited for the future."

"I love you too, Hun. So much," I shakily whispered, leaning in and brushing my nose against his.   
We may have been in a cramped interrogation room, but it suddenly felt like we were surrounded by clouds; in a place that only we could access.

I admired the way Dan's curls fell delicately over his brown, glistening eyes, and I was so close to him that I could see the adorable constellation of freckles on his cheeks.  
I covered my mouth with his, the familiar feeling of his warm lips making my head spin. My eyes closed as I focused on the way his chapped lips moved against mine, tasting the mint from his toothpaste on my tingling tongue.

I clung onto his restrained hands, and I felt his soft fingers just about stretch to meet between mine.   
There was something about the passion of this kiss that screamed 'final', and I realised that this will be the final kiss we share before we begin this long, heavy journey. But I could only remember that it'll be worth it in the end. We'll look back on this situation one day and laugh in victory. We'll make it someday, I knew it.

With reluctance, our lips disconnected, and our short breaths were the only thing being heard at that moment.

A heavy knock broke our moment of silence, and I swivelled round to the location of the noise.  
"Time's up," I heard through the door.

I slowly turned back to Dan, giving him a small smile. "Well, this is it," I whispered, resting my forehead on his.

"It is," he replied. "but I have so much hope, Phil."

"Me too, Hun." I pulled him into another tight hug, desperately savouring his embrace before we parted. "I'm so proud of you."

"I'll miss you," Dan choked.

"I'll miss you too. But it isn't the end," I told him.

"I love you, Phil," he repeated.

"I love you too. More than anything."

We hugged for a few more seconds, and then pulled away.  
I gave him one last encouraging smile, and I then opened the door.

We walked back out, and I gave Dan's tied-up hands one last squeeze. "Bye for now," I whispered to him.

"Come on guys, break it up now," one of the officers said, and the two of them took ahold of each of Dan's shoulders.

His eyes connected with mine again—and I saw the smile. It wasn't fake, it wasn't put on, it was real. I could tell from the amount of hope glistening in those eyes.

His hands still didn't leave my palm for a moment. His dimple popped out as he beamed at me. "See you soon, Phil."

With that, our hands left each other's grip. The police took him down the corridor, leading him to the cells. He craned his neck at me, mouthing 'I love you' as another tear escaped his eye.

I held my hand up, giving him a small wave before he disappeared around the corner.

The moment he was gone, my arm dropped back to my side. I turned around, striding down the hall confidently. Everyone in the reception area, everyone in the waiting area, they all watched me as I walked through.

I stopped at the door, the direct place I came in. I saw the world beyond the glass, waiting. Waiting for me to get on with the day.  
This time, it's getting what it wants. I'm moving on, but not from Dan. Just with my life.

Because the quicker I get on with life, the quicker the world will spin. Soon, it'll spin to the day that Dan gets out of here. And that thought almost blinded me with hope. But that hope was not false. It wasn't like the other times. This time, it was final.

I've come to the conclusion that the past has ended. Dan is no longer dancing with me in the snow. Dan is no longer sitting to the right of me on my couch, engrossed in an anime whilst mindlessly eating the popcorn wedged between our left and right leg.  
Dan is no longer by my side. Because the past is gone.

But the future promised all the above and more, and for that I was ready for this journey.

"Sir? Are you okay?"

I turned around, seeing all the people I walked past a minute ago, staring at me as I stood idle at the door.

And I smiled.

I pushed the glass doors open with my back, and answered their question. "I'm great."

And I walked out of the double doors, walking towards the direction of home, tearstained and screwed in the head—but hopeful.

And that's all I needed to follow the spin of the Earth.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's basically the end and I'm sorry. I planned for this ending since chapter 1 so I wasn't gunna change it. I mean...it's not all sad?
> 
> But, because we need Dan's POV as well, I've written an epilogue too!
> 
> But honestly, thank you so much for taking time to read this. It took me such a lot of time and patience, but it was worth it. Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy the epilogue.


	28. epilogue

**_ 1 year later... _ **

** Phil **

"Where the actual hell are you, Peej?" I yelled through the phone as I looked back and forth from the floor to the clock like a crazed deer.

"I'm sorry I thought you said it was at 2 not 12!" He panicked through the phone, and I heard him manically gathering together clothes to wear.

I wanted to laugh at the ridiculous mishearing—but we were late.  _Very_ late.

"Pj I will force you to get here in your fucking pajamas if you don't get your ass here asap," I ranted.

"I'll be there soon, don't worry!" He cut off shortly after.

I shoved my phone in my pocket, facepalming. "Jesus Christ," I cursed, and I heard a laugh to the left of me.

"Pj will always be the fashionably late one," Cat giggled.

"That's not always a good thing!" I stressed comically. "Especially not today! Ugh, this happened last year's Christmas too."

I swear to God, the 25th of December is an unlucky day for Pj. For as long as I can remember, he is  _always_ late for Christmas meet-ups. Last year we almost missed it completely!  
The relief on Dan's face when we walked through the visiting area was amazing—thinking about it, we're probably getting that this year too.

"Calm down, Phil," Cat soothed. "You're gunna see Dan today, and that's all that matters—who, may I add, is gunna  _love_ your new hairstyle."

I ran my fingers through my freshly cut and dyed quiff and let out a hearty sigh. I'm really glad I went and got my hair done; my forehead feels so much cooler now. The wind on my forehead is the most amazing feeling, I swear to God.

"I do hope he likes it," I wondered. "I'm scared he won't approve."

"Phil, do you really think Dan is going to care more about your hair than seeing you?" Cat laughed.

"Yeah, probably," I answered sarcastically, resulting in a playful shove from her.

Cat and I have become a lot closer friends now, and she's not only there for me to be my counsellor, she's there as a friend too.  
At the beginning of Dan's sentence, I may have been determined to power on through it—but at the same time, I still had many lows. I guess we just bonded over the emotional moments.

Since Dan was arrested I've tried to go out with friends more. Almost to distract myself from the lonely, empty feeling in my chest. It was refilling slowly, but it'll only be truly full once Dan is out of that place. It has been fun hanging out with Pj and Cat, I always had great times.

But I still missed him. So much.

I see Dan once every month, which I appreciate. They aren't as strict as I thought with contact; you're allowed to hug, kiss, the lot.   
They also allow visitors on Christmas Day—which is what's happening right now.

Well,  _trying_ to happen, at least.

To be fair, Pj has always been late for everything. Occasionally he's on time—but  _never_ early.

A few minutes later, I finally heard the doorbell ring. I raced up off the sofa and straight to the door, fumbling around the key and swinging open the door to reveal a sheepish, breathless Pj stood slouched in shame and embarrassment. "Sorry I'm late," he barely whispered, a nervous laugh following.

"Thank fuck you're here," I sighed, hearing Cat bound behind me. "We literally need to leave now, we're  _so_ late."

Pj nodded once. "Got it."

With that, we zoomed down the porch and darted round the corner, beginning our panicked sprint to the police station.

☾

** Dan **

"They won't be long, don't worry Dan," Louise assured me, patting my shoulder.

"But what if they've forgotten?" I babbled with agitation, worry filling my gut.

"They're not gunna forget to see you on Christmas Day," Tyler laughed. "I mean,  _I'm_ forgetful, but not  _that_ forgetful."

"Debatable, actually," Louise added.

"What?! Try me then." Tyler folded his arms with sass in his movements.

Louise made knowing eye-contact with me before sighing and turning back to Tyler. "When's my birthday?"

He looked like he was about to confidently answer, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was 'fuck'.

Louise and I broke out into cackles, and Tyler buried his head in his palms with embarrassment.

I've missed these idiots.

The first time they visited (three months after my sentence) the relief was unreal. I don't think I've ever almost been suffocated to death by a hug before. It was like a long-distance friendship meeting up for the first time, except we'd not seen each other for almost a year. I didn't think I'd cry—but oh boy, I did. We  _all_ did.  
I never forgot about how much I loved them, though.

"Okay but seriously though," Louise declared. "As it's Christmas, diets don't exist,  _so,"_  she fumbled through her handbag whilst Tyler and I laughed at her painfully true statement. She whipped out a white box and placed it onto the table. "I've bought Krispy Kre—"

"—Ma'am, you're not allowed to bring or give out food," a female police officer approached us.

"Aw come on, it's Christmas," Louise whined. "It doesn't have drugs in it, you can test it if you want."

"It will most definitely have to be looked at. Come with me," the officer sighed, picking up the box.

Louise pouted as we internally facepalmed. "I'll be right back guys, okay?"

We nodded once, sniggering under our breaths as we watched her flounce away.

Once she'd gone, Tyler turned back to me with a smile, resting his chin in his palm. "So," He chortled. "How's things been?"

I shrugged. "It's been okay. I can't wait until my sentence is over though," I answered honestly.

"I'll bet." Tyler quickly glanced around him then turned to me. "What about mentally? You haven't had any signs of your dad?"

I exhaled out of my nostrils, staring up at the beautiful blue sky, feeling the wind hit my skin as I breathed in the fresh air. I'm so glad visiting hours are held outdoors.

"He's been gone for a long time now. I think that's a sign that he's not coming back."

Tyler nodded. "That's a very good sign. It sounds like you're moving on from it all now," he breathed, also staring up at the sky. "The whole thing with your dad was... _so traumatising._  I'll never forget that day. Yet...it all just feels so distant now. Like it was all one big dream."

I looked back down at my hands. "I feel the same way. But I'm sorry about what I've put you through. Especially on that day he...found you. I'll never forgive myself for letting that happen.

"Dan," Tyler laughed gently. "If you're gunna move on, you've gotta move on knowing that none of this was your fault."

I paused for a moment, and nodded slowly. "You're right, Ty'," I whispered. "You're absolutely right."

"I'm always right," Tyler smirked.

"You weren't right when Louise asked when her birthday was."

"Shut up, Howell."

I cackled as Tyler shoved me gently.  
It felt so good to laugh genuinely again. The first six months of my sentence I was severely depressed. I haven't told anyone about it, and I never intend to. There's this whole thing with honesty, and how it's essential for everything, but...I disagree. There may be some things left unsaid, or remained locked away in the back of one's mind, but if you don't have any secrets you'll lose the connection you have with your own mind. The trust between one and one's brain has to be the strongest thing, it's just plain and simple. Without your mind to keep you sane, you'll merely be...a lifeless shell. So I think it's okay to have secrets. Plus, I'm a lot better than I was at the beginning of my sentence, so it doesn't even matter anymore. I'm beginning to find joy in the little things, and that's enough to get me through anything.

For example, being out here in the open air. It's just so refreshing. You seem to just forget about prison for a moment.

"I think I should be asking the all-important question, though," I grinned, resting my cheek in my palm.

"Oh?" He raised his eyebrow with a suggestive smile.  
I could tell he already knew what I was about to ask him.

"How's the boyfriend?" I giggled, and he giggled with me.

"He's  _great,_ " he began with an excited hand wave. "We're going out for dinner tonight, actually."

"Anywhere fancy?" I wiggled my eyebrows.

He shook his head, scrunching up his nose. "Probably not. It'll probably be a McDonalds date," he answered honestly with a giggle. "but Steven always knows how to make small things perfect, so I'm down for it."

"Aren't you nervous?"

"Nah, we've passed the awkward stage, it's now just excitement." His face morphed from happy to shocked in merely a second. "Oh my God, remember when we were a thing!"

"Oh yeah!" I laughed in amazement. "That seems so weird to me now, you're too bubbly to be my boyfriend."

"I'm taking that as a compliment," Tyler wheezed. "Maybe this whole situation was God's way of saying 'nope'."

I chuckled, shaking my head to myself. "God would be very cruel if that were the case."

I always wondered what it would be like if things went differently. There'd be so many differences to my life if I hadn't have killed my dad—but would it be better or worse? That's something I'm still trying to figure out.

A few seconds of silence later, Louise came back to the table. The police officer looked very unamused at the triumphant grin Louise had on her face.

"As it's Christmas, you can eat them," she said with an eye roll. "But don't bring food again in the future."

"Thank you so much, you're the best!" Louise squealed, taking a seat on the bench opposite us and opening up the white box of chocolaty doughnuts.  
Once the officer had walked away, we all took a doughnut out of the box, immediately taking a bite. The sugary sponge and icing combination felt orgasmic on my tastebuds; after all this time of prison food, this was pure heaven to me.

As we snacked on our doughnuts, we heard someone's phone beep. Louise hurriedly fumbled through her bag with one hand to whip out her phone. "Ah," she exclaimed as she read the message. "It's from Phil!"

My eyes widened and my stomach twisted in a knot. "What does it say?" I asked quickly and eagerly.

"He says that he's running late but he'll be here soon," she reached over and tapped my arm. "so  _you,_ young man, can stop fretting!"

My shoulders relaxed and my lungs deflated in sheer relief. "Thank God," I breathed.

I was so desperate to see him.

A few seconds later, I heard someone's phone ringing. I looked up with wide eyes, suddenly curious as to whether or not Phil was gunna be the one calling.

"Don't worry, it's my phone," Tyler said to me with a smirk, and I once again deflated like a balloon.

Tyler looked down at the screen—and the next thing I knew, he was screaming and flinging his arms in the air, the impact almost sending the tray of doughnuts flying.

Louise and I were frozen in shock as we stared at him, in awe of what the hell made him act so severely.

Literally everyone turned around to face us, frowning and shaking their heads. The guards and officers simply rolled their eyes, for this was normal behaviour at my visiting table.

Tyler slapped his hand over his mouth, shocked at himself. "I'm so sorry," he giggled. "Steven's calling."

Louise and I groaned in knowing embarrassment—but deep down we were amused by his natural hyperactive behaviour.

"Why don't you answer it outside the visiting area?" I laughed.

"But once I leave the officers won't let me back in though," he whined.

"I'll see you next month, you dingus," I laughed, holding my arms out to him. "Come on, give me a hug before it stops ringing."

"Okay, fine," he sighed, getting up and wrapping his arms around me tightly. "Bye, Dan. I'll miss you."

I exhaled as I hugged him back, smiling gently. "I'll miss you too. Now go, before I start crying."

"Okay," he laughed, and after a few seconds more, Tyler pulled away and skipped back into the building to answer his call, his elation bursting from every edge.

"God, he's such a nutter," Louise chuckled, shaking her head.

"When has he  _not_  been a nutter?" I asked rhetorically, and we both laughed at how true the statement was.

We talked for a while, just about completely random stuff. That's what I loved about Louise—you never seemed to run out of things to talk about. She seemed to bring out the inner chatterbox in me.  
We finished laughing about a funny story involving her mum and a bottle of vodka, when her tone turned serious.

"Dan, I know I should've said this a while ago, but..." she looked down at her hands.

"But what?" I wondered.

She sighed again, then looked up and grabbed onto my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I hope that this whole situation will teach you to open up to me more in the future. If anything happens like, I dunno, if something went wrong with you and Phil or you're unsure of something, you really can talk to me about it."

I gave her a sad smile. "Of course. I know that now," I replied, staring down at my lap. "I should've told you about my dad sooner. But I was just so scared of him, and what he would do if he got his hands on you. He...already got his hands on Tyler, and that fact alone is the one thing that still haunts me to this day. If he got you too then I would never forgive myself." I paused, shaking my head abruptly. "But he's gone now. There's nothing holding me back."

Louise gazed at me with pride, and her eyes glistened with tears. "You've changed so much. For the better. Of course, I wish this whole situation never happened, but it's shaped you into a better person. A more positive person. You know what I mean?"

My eyes stared up at the big, blue sky as I let out a content sigh. "I know exactly what you mean."

Sure, maybe the whole situation was a nightmare and pretty darn inconvenient—but if it hadn't have happened, then...what would it be like? What would I be doing at this exact moment in time if I hadn't have stabbed that exact area of my dad's flesh? I'd be unhappy alright—if not dead. I'd never have uncovered my love for music, I'd never have improved with my mental health issues, I'd never have...I'd never have met Phil, the love of my life.

I didn't want anyone to die. Not even my dad, despite all he's done to me. I wouldn't wish death on anyone, because no one deserves to die.  
But...I'm glad it happened all the same.  
If admitting to that ticks me under the category of a murderer, then so be it.

Because I have never felt this happy before.

"We're so late, oh my God!"

I looked up to see three people stumble through the door, earning eyebrow raises from the guards around us.  
I got to my feet in excitement as they all bounded towards me.

"Shit Dan, I'm such an idiot," Pj panted, pulling me into an abrupt hug. "Can you slap me? I actually want you to slap me."

"I'm not going to slap you, Pj," I laughed, shaking my head as I pulled away.

"That would be an interesting greeting," Cat chortled, and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back tightly, bursting with happiness and excitement from seeing everyone again.

"Dan hasn't stopped fucking panicking all this time," Louise sighed, a small chuckle following.

"Well thank God we finally made it," I heard a familiar laugh beside me, and my heart fluttered with joy. I felt a hand slip into mine, and I immediately grabbed ahold firmly. I took in his warmth for a moment before turning my head to the side.

My eyes met his, blue against brown, and I was in slight shock at the unexpectancy of how different he looked. He'd pushed back his fringe so that it was a quiff, and I immediately fell in love with the style. That plus the glasses he wore made my cheeks grow warm.

He looked mesmerising.

"H-Hi," I breathed with a smile stamped across my face.

"Hey, Hun," he giggled, giving my hand a quick squeeze. I was beyond relieved to see him.

We all took a seat and basically talked about what was going on with each other, basically updating each other on funny stories and stuff. It was just a completely relaxed conversation, and I didn't feel awkward or judged one bit.  
Phil sat beside me with his arm around my waist, gently stroking my hip with his thumb, and my cheek rested on his shoulder.  
Despite the cold winter air, I felt warm. As if I were leaning on a radiator.

We'd usually all talk as a group for most of the visiting time, and then Phil and I will have some alone time for ten minutes until visiting hours are over. I couldn't wait to kiss him again. My lips had been tingling this whole month leading up to Christmas. Once I'm out of this place, I'll kiss him all damn day.

The time rolled on too quickly, and before I knew it the guards were giving everyone the ten minute warning.

"Well, that's our queue to skiddledeedoo," Pj sang.

"Don't say that ever again," Cat cackled as everyone but Phil and I stood up.

As we said goodbye, I felt my sadness begin to creep. It only seemed like seconds ago since I was saying 'hello' to them, and the 'goodbye' has to come around again so soon.

It wasn't fair—but neither is life I guess. I'd definitely had that fact nailed into my brain over the course of my life.

"I promise I'll wake up on time next Christmas, Dan," Pj stressed as he hugged me tightly.

"It's no problem, Peej. I'm just glad I got to see you." We pulled away, and I patted his arm. "Merry Christmas."

"You too. I'll see you next month."

"If you get up early, that is," Cat joked to Pj, and after punching his arm lightly she then came and hugged me. "Bye, Dan. Merry Christmas."

"Thank you, Cat," I smiled as our quick hug unlocked. "See you next month, and Merry Christmas."

Lastly, Louise approached me. She had tears in her eyes, but they didn't spill. I could tell she was trying to be strong for me—but it's okay to cry.  
With that, she hugged me tighter than she'd ever hugged me before, clinging onto my shoulders like I was the only person left on this Earth.

"See you soon, Dan," she barely whispered. "Merry Christmas."

I sighed, forcing myself not to get too emotional as I hugged her back. "Merry Christmas to you too. I'll see you next month."

A few seconds later, Louise broke the embrace, and, giving me one final smile, she walked away.  
Leaving Phil and I alone for the final ten minutes.

I felt Phil's arm slowly rest upon my shoulders as he bought me into a side hug. "Hey," he whispered in my ear softly. "You okay?"

Now that I was close to him again and finally hearing his voice, I instantly felt a lot better.  
My head turned to the side and a smile effortlessly found it's way onto my face as I was met with his pools of pure blue, covered by a layer of glass as his glasses glinted in the light.   
"Yeah," I breathed, and my hand was already moving to touch his hair. "You got a quiff."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," Phil laughed sheepishly. "It doesn't look bad, does it?"

I snickered. "Yes Phil, it looks so awful I could throw up all over it right now," I said sarcastically.

"Shut it, you," Phil warned, poking me in the ribs as I squirmed. "Anyways, I've kinda wanted to kiss you very badly after being kiss-deprived for yet another month."

"Oh, have you now?" I teased, raising my eyebrow.

"Yeah, Howell," he giggled with mock intimidation. "so are you gonna let me do anything about it?"

I scrunched my nose, shaking my head. "Nah," I replied. "You can die a kiss-less death."

Phil chuckled and brushed his nose against my nose. "Your sarcasm will be the death of me." He moved forwards, twisting his torso so that it could semi-meet with my own as he ever so softly pressed his lips to mine. My fingertips touched his cheek as I responded to the action, slowly moving my lips in sync with his as our tongues discreetly tangled together.

I sighed into the kiss, willing to give away anything just to take it that bit further—but I guess that came a lot later on in my life.

Our lips disconnected slowly and reluctantly, as I experienced the giddiness I always felt after Phil's kisses. I felt like I was literally floating.

"Satisfied?" I asked him with a grin.

"Just about," he nodded once with a suggestive giggle.

"Same here."

After a small moment of comfortable silence, Phil broke it. "Shit I almost forgot," he exclaimed, fumbling in his coat pocket.

"Almost forgot what?" I wondered out loud.

"Your Christmas present," Phil answered, whipping out his phone.

I sighed. "Philly, you know you're not allowed to bring gifts to prisoners."

"Well, Mr Howell," Phil giggled with sass in his voice as he unlocked his phone. "I'm not  _giving_  you your present yet. Just showing you for now."

I frowned in confusion. "What do you mean by that?" I laughed nervously as he scrolled through his phone with a concerning grin on his face.

Why was I scared?

He tapped on something and his face lit up, telling me he'd got to where he wanted to go to. "This is what I mean."  
He flipped the phone around, so that I could see what was on the screen.  
My eyes took a moment to focus before I could actually process the information.

There was a picture of a toasty-looking cottage, with a thatched roof and Tudor-style walls—with the title  _'Clover Cottage'._

I read the description with a frown.  
 _'A beautiful, old-fashioned cottage on the outskirts of Wales hidden away in the hilly Forest Of Dean. Contains two bedrooms, three bathrooms, a spacious garden, and a—_

"Phil what is this?" I breathed, looking away from the screen and back to him.

He was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.  
"Merry Christmas, Dan," he beamed. "How would you like to move in there with me once you're out of here?"

I froze, any speech ability I once had completely knocking itself out. My mouth was opening and closing repetitively, and Phil was laughing at me.

"You alright there, blob fish?" He giggled, booping my nose.

The action seemed to recharged some of my capabilities of speaking. "A-Are you being serious??" I squeaked.

"Of course not, I was joking," Phil replied, seemingly mocking my sarcasm with a laugh. "But it's also walking distance from a train station so we can go into town whenever we want. Maybe there'll be a Starbucks there too, if we wanted to work there and relive the good times. Dan," He put the phone down on the table for a moment, taking both of my hands in his and looking into my eyes with excitement. "what do you say?"

I opened my mouth to scream 'YES' over and over again—but before I could say anything, I thought for a moment.  
Did he really want to leave his current life behind? His friends, his home, his job—it was a lot to just move away from.

Phil's smile slowly relaxed, morphing into confusion at my reaction. "Of course, if you don't want to then that's okay, Dan," he told me, squeezing my hands. "Don't feel obliged to say yes if you don't want to."

"No, Phil that's not it," I mumbled with a sigh. "I'd love to, and I genuinely mean that. There's nothing I want more. But...do  _you_ know you definitely want to?"

He gave me a lopsided smile that was knitted with disguised puzzlement. "Of course I want to," he answered softly. "As long as I'm with you then I'm willing to do anything. What makes you say that?"

I looked down at my lap. "If we do it; then you'll leave so much behind, y'know? We'll be a long way from London, and all your friends—so I'm just thinking that...you're only offering this to me so that I have the best life possible." I met my eyes with his. "Phil, you've already gone beyond giving me a comfortable life. I wouldn't mind either way what we did—but you don't have to leave everything behind just for me."

It wasn't meant to come out like a massive speech, but I didn't realize how much I actually had to say. But I needed him to know that whatever happened,  _he_ is my home, and as long as I'm with him then...I'm more than comfortable.

He chuckled gently, stroking my hands with his thumbs. "Daniel, you worry about me too much," he began with amusement. "I'm not lying when I say I'm doing this for the both of us. I've thought about it and talked about it with my friends for a long time now, and...we all agreed that we  _both_ deserve a fresh start. Sure, I love where I currently live, and it holds unforgettable memories—but I feel like moving away will finalize it more. It'll leave any reminders or bad memories behind us, and finally leave it in the past where it belongs. We'll be able to make new ones that aren't full of trauma and pain, but joy and... _happiness._ And I'm not just speaking on your behalf, this is for both of us."

I bit my lip gently as I tried to hold back tears and smiled. "You really wanna start a new life with me?" I croaked quietly.

"Yes Dan, more than anything," he breathed, kissing my hands. "You're the only one that I want to do all this with. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Phil." I leaned in, giving his lips a soft peck. It was small, but the linger in it communicated my gratitude in the best way possible.  
And I truly was grateful. I so wasn't expecting him to propose such a thing, and I felt overwhelmed with happiness.

We gently pulled away, and our eyes connected once again. The emotional doors swung open in his pupils, as hope and desire danced in his irises, and that's as far as I could see in those mysterious pools of blue.

That's all I needed.

He laced his soft fingers with my own. "So, what do you say, Dan?" He whispered.

I exhaled slowly. "Well if you're sure, then of course, I'd love to start a new life with you."

"I'm definitely sure. Oh my God Dan, I'm so excited," he giggled, and I giggled along with him. "I can picture it so well, I just know that we'll be content one day."

"Me too."

We were interrupted by the policewoman guarding the entrance with her booming voice. "Five minutes, guys!" She echoed as her voice bounced around the atmosphere.

That's when it hit me.  
In order for us to reach that new life goal, I'm still gunna have to serve my time. I'll still have to wait another four years or some shit; it's easy to lose track of time when in these cells 24/7.

Phil noticed my mood drop as I stared down at my lap.  
"Dan?" He asked, gently tilting my chin up so that I faced him again.

The moment my eyes met his again, that unwanted salty water spilled from my heavy eyes, my chin uncontrollably wobbling.

He frowned softly. "Hey, don't cry love," he soothed, swiping a fresh tear from my face with the tip of his thumb. "What's up?"

"I..." I choked out, wetting my lips before speaking the sentence. "...I really miss you."

After taking in my statement briefly, he reached his arms around and pulled me into a hug. "Oh Dan," he whispered, resting his chin on my curly head of hair.

I leant into his embrace.  
 _Warm._

"There isn't a day that goes by when I don't miss you either," he told me. "but then I just daydream about where we'll be one day. In that cozy little cottage, watching trash movies and snuggling up on the sofa together—"

"—It's such an agonizing wait, Phil," I wept into his shoulder. "I want to be with you  _now._ It isn't fair..."

He shushed me, stroking up and down my spine with his fingertips. "I know it isn't. I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. But trust me," he pulled away so he could look at me, clutching my arms. "once you're out of here, I promise you I'll make it worth the wait. No drama, no tears, no arguments—just cuddles and more."

I couldn't help but giggle through my tears and I touched my forehead with his.  
I was so in love with him. The butterflies weren't violently fluttering anymore, they're just slowly flapping their wings, blowing gentle rare gusts of wind upon my abdomen. It felt comfortable, and I loved that. It felt...unconditional.

"The time will come, love," he pecked my forehead. "but patience is the one true key to our freedom at this point."

"You're right," I sniffled, wiping away my tears. "I'm so excited for us, Philly."

"Me too, Dan. I..." he sighed sadly. "I know I've broken a lot of promises throughout the course of knowing you. I've promised to protect you at all costs, and...I've failed, because now you're here. But this time, I won't break the promise. I'll do everything in my power to make you happy. To make  _us_ happy. And I'll always be there to protect you, no matter what."

"Sweetheart, what are you talking about?" I breathed. "You've never broken a promise to me ever. You clearly kept that promise of protection, else I would be unhappy."

"You feel happy?" He whispered, beaming emotionally.

"Yes, Phil. I'm bursting with it, and it feels amazing. I couldn't have made it where I am without you."

The dark depression of my mind probably would've slowly consumed me if it weren't for him. Not to mention my dad—just merely being with Phil had the ability to finally drown him out.

I didn't want this five minutes to end. Here I was wishing for that Christmas to come back, gently slow-dancing in the sprinkle of snow that delicately fell around us.  
But the past is the past, I guess. The future holds so much more, and I know that.

I just didn't want him to leave.

I clung onto the last brink of conversation we had until the guard rang the bell to end visiting hours.  
My heart sank, and I felt my face drop.

Oh, how I wanted him to stay.

Phil sighed sadly, shifting a little so he could stand up. "Well, I'd best be going—"

I found myself grabbing onto his sleeve before he could move any further.  
He slowly exhaled, looking down at my teary eyes.

"Phil," I croaked out, unsure of what to say to him—but I knew that he knew what I was implying.

After a short pause, his fingers slipped between mine. I clutched ahold, feeling the warmth against my palms and desperately trying to memorize his soft hands against mine.

"Dan," he breathed. "Can you...promise me something?"

"Y-Yeah?"

He leant down slightly, almost meeting my height as I sat and he stood.  
He locked his eyes with mine, and I could see his eyes filling with tears too. "I want you to promise me that you'll never stop daydreaming. It doesn't necessarily have to be about us. You could even daydream about your music and if it could take you somewhere one day, which I bet it will. Just don't stop dreaming about happiness, and there'll be less negative thoughts to fight off. You promise me that?"

I squeezed his hand tightly. "I promise, Phil. Fuck, I love you."

A fat tear seeped down his left cheek as he smiled through the tears. "I love you too, Dan. I'm so proud of you." He pressed his lips to mine, and I drank in the feeling of his soft lips against my chapped ones, locking the details away in a special, treasured compartment in the back of my mind.

"Alright lovebirds, break it up," one of the male guards tapped us both on the shoulder, and we quickly pulled away and watched him as he rolled his eyes at us. "Jeez, it's always you two."

We couldn't help but laugh at his reaction, and he walked off to remind another person that visiting hours are over.

"Well, I guess I'll see you next month," Phil sighed as we turned back to each other.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I breathed. "I'll miss you."

His thumb gently caressed my hand as he nodded his head slowly. "I'll miss you, too. But I'm so excited to spend my life with you one day."

Fuck, I loved him so much. I've never felt so loved in my life.

I gave him a teary smile. "See ya, dork."

"Later, nerd," he poked his tongue out at me, and I couldn't help but giggle.  
That's when our hands slipped away, and he began walking off.

And as I watched the man of my dreams walk away, I began daydreaming just like he said.  
I thought about how it all started, with me and him. At that very moment I realized that my dad had nothing to do with it. Sure, that may have technically begun the whole situation—but it didn't start our friendship. Our love.

My dad felt like a long-forgotten memory now, locked away in a dark, hidden cave in my mind. I never realized how irrelevant he was to everything.

It all started with a Starbucks coffee, after all.

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, guys! I hope the epilogue brightened the ending at least a little bit.
> 
> I'm so happy with how this fic came together, I've never successfully completed a fanfic before, and it's taken a lot of patience, but here I am!  
> In terms of a sequel, there probably won't be one. i dunno, it may happen but by the time I write it people probably would've forgotten about this fic so i don't see much point. But who's to say I'll stop writing?
> 
> Anyways, I really hope you enjoyed this fic. It's taken me way over half a year to write this, and it was so worth it. I guess it's finally over now, which is crazy. But thank you so much to everyone who read it and hyped it up, you're all amazing.
> 
> If you don't follow me on social media already, here's all of my accounts:  
> Instagram: thewhiskerscomefrommybutt and savage.phxn  
> Twitter: possessivepml  
> YouTube: edgebeverage
> 
> Thank you once again!  
> \- EJ

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally on wattpad but I've decided that I also want it on AO3 too, so hi! Hope you enjoy this fic if you haven't read already :)


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